Toddler attachment in adoption, bottle feeding

davidandheather · January 2014

Hi, someone told me I would not have time to blog or bump once the placement happened. I thought to myself (hmph!). But they were right. The placement of a 2 year old boy and 3 year old girl was on November 15th and I love every second of it, but forgot about me time. The kids do nap most days (heaven time), but that time is filled with housework, cooking, foster parent training and other foster to adopt paperwork, plus finishing up projects I did not finish on my other job since the placement was rushed forward by two weeks. The first 30 days foster parent task list was insane. Add husband's back surgery, a family funeral and trip out of town with toddlers, and the holidays and I am panting in exhaustion.I still believe we will all get adjusted eventually and I can make time eventually.

I do have a question I've been anxious to pose on this board. In all the training, I read the Attachment in Adoption book by Deborah Grey. She mentions sometimes cuddling the toddlers and letting them have a bottle. Many times, the kids never had that cuddle time with a mom or forgot it and this is supposed to be helpful in attaching to their adoptive mom. She does not go into detail (or I have not got to that part yet) about how long to do it, how often, if this might cause regression, etc. I wonder if any of you have tried some bottle feeding, cuddle time with toddlers you have adopted?

Our little guy has been in foster care since he was 6 months old. In that short time from then to now (age 2/12), he has been in three foster homes. One day he was particularly fussy, so I did fill a bottle up with apple juice and held him tight against me. He loved it and instantly relaxed and looked up at me. He sang 'my mommy' the rest of the day. I am sure he missed out on all that infant cuddle time. I mentioned it to the social worker when she visited today (right as I laid them down to nap -another gripe) and she gave me the side eye and did not like that idea at all. Now I wonder if we should do this as a ritual for a while since he liked it so much, or only when he is fussy, or not again as he might cause more regression issues. What do you guys think? Has anyone tried this with toddler's they have adopted.

MrsMuenich · January 2014

From what I've read (and I loved reading Toddler Adoption by Mary Hopkins-Best), it can be healthy and even important for children to be allowed to emotionally regress, so they can learn to attach in the stages they missed out on attaching. FWIW. Also, my bio kiddo and whose never had attachment issues still enjoys cuddling at least once a day, sometimes more. SWs mean well but aren't always completely informed.

[Deleted User] · January 2014

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Dr.Loretta · January 2014

I agree, I wouldn't necessarily stick with a bottle, but snuggles and "baby time" wouldn't be a bad idea IMO. We adopted DD at birth via DIA. I told her that her birth mom used to stroke her nose to help her sleep. Now she asks us to do it at bedtime. And she often wants us to "feed her like a baby". I don't see a problem with it, she's navigating a lot of mental and emotional change as a preschooler.

pleasebeonsale · January 2014

The only reason I would suggest against a bottle is because that can be a really tough thing to transition back from. I think you should get a great, leak proof, sippy cup and have a little baby time. It sounds like just doing that once had a great impact on him. I think you should do it routinely for a while, not as a reaction to being fussy. I mean, sure, do it then as well if you need to, but not only then. Make it something he gets because he's your's and he just deserves it.

Nicolewinsbingo · January 2014

Here is an alternative to a bottle…its a sippy cup but its still shaped similarly to a bottle. I think using this and snuggling would be a very effective way to encourage bonding.

https://www.walmart.com/ip/33092462?wmlspartner=wlpa&selectedSellerId=3&adid=22222222227022516402&wl0=&wl1=g&wl2=c&wl3=34964120821&wl4=&wl5=pla&wl6=63502126501&veh=sem

Mrs.Slick · January 2014

We brought home our son at 2.5 years old (from Russia). We did one bottle at bedtime for about 2 months. We rocked him, sang to him, did everything you would for a baby to help nurture that attachment and he attached wonderfully. He didn't react negatively and loved it. He didn't revert back to baby behaviors during the day, it didn't have any negative impact on health, it only helped us with attachment and helped him learn that we were there to love and nurture him.

If you ever want to ask questions or anything about attachment parenting with an adopted toddler, feel free to pm me! We were very strict with our attachment plan in the beginning but with us, it was better safe than sorry!

davidandheather · January 2014

Thanks everyone. This is helfpful. It is so ture that SW mean well, but are not the most informed! Little Slick, I will PM you.

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