the 'in between generation'?? (vent)

charpe · January 2014

Just needed to vent for a min...

So the quick version, is that I'm feeling pulled in opposite directions by the needs of DD, and the needs of my 71y/o father (with early dementia). He lives alone about an hour away from me. He has no other family aside from me and my sibling who is useless. My dad lives in a trailer home, is a hoarder, and I suspect has undiagnosed mental health problems. Combined that with his memory issues, and its a recipe for disaster. He went nearly 30 years with no routine medical care whatsoever. I've tried dragging him to the doctor, but he denies any issues, refuses meds, etc. I've spent the better part of my maternity leave driving back and forth to check on him. I hate bringing DD there because of the hoarding/dust, etc. Its just an ugly situation. His hygiene has gone to shit, he rarely showers, wears dirty clothes. It got so bad that I called social services and reported him for elder self-neglect. (one of the hardest things I've EVER had to do... but the right thing). Its still early in that process, but they are investigating. Although the social workers have a long road ahead because he is so resistant to services. Flash forward to today - I learn he had a pipe burst and no running water. This was an issue a few weeks ago as well. DH did a temporary fix - but my sibling was supposed to make some calls for a permanent fix and never did. So, now he has no running water. He does not think this is an issue.

I'm having incredible guilt for not being able to help him more, for reporting him to social services, etc. But I'm also having incredible mommy guilt for not focusing my maternity leave on DD. I'm constantly distracted by the other stress. Its so hard. Now I go back to work in 2 weeks, so my guilt has quadrupled.

I have an aunt who told me that my dad is a grown man and has made his own bed. Her advice is to let it go, and focus on DD. She said that there's some psychological test where in a hypothetical situation, you are in a boat with your DH and your parent. The boat is sinking, and you can only save one. She says always save your spouse because they represent your future, and your parent represents your past. I'm struggling with this - and wonder if anyone else is in a similar (or not so similar situation).

Just a vent - and maybe looking for some T&Ps. Please and thank you....

*edited for spelling

CDMay2006 · January 2014

You are supporting your dad emotionally and practically, and doing your best at it. Calling social services wasn't tattling, it was getting people who are skilled at working with people with your dad's challenges and needs on his team. And while you missed out on time with your baby, i'm sure you cared for her well and any deficit is in your experience, not hers (i hope that makes sense). Good luck.

charpe · January 2014

CDMay2006 said:

You are supporting your dad emotionally and practically, and doing your best at it. Calling social services wasn't tattling, it was getting people who are skilled at working with people with your dad's challenges and needs on his team. And while you missed out on time with your baby, i'm sure you cared for her well and any deficit is in your experience, not hers (i hope that makes sense). Good luck.

It did make sense. Thank you. She is well-taken care of (*pats self on back..)

I just feel like she sooo deserves my undivided attention without me worrying and stressing about this other stuff... I guess I feel guilty for being distracted.

amandalt823 · January 2014

You're in such a tough situation, I'm sorry that you're having to go through this. I think you did the right thing calling Social Services, I know how difficult it had to be but it sounded like your Dad (and you) need their help. Prayers to you.

ejb23 · January 2014

You did the right thing calling! They will (hopefully) get him the help he needs. I hope you get some peace after they open a case to help him. Good luck and hugs!

Nukke · January 2014

charpe said:

CDMay2006 said:

You are supporting your dad emotionally and practically, and doing your best at it. Calling social services wasn't tattling, it was getting people who are skilled at working with people with your dad's challenges and needs on his team. And while you missed out on time with your baby, i'm sure you cared for her well and any deficit is in your experience, not hers (i hope that makes sense). Good luck.

It did make sense. Thank you. She is well-taken care of (*pats self on back..)
I just feel like she sooo deserves my undivided attention without me worrying and stressing about this other stuff... I guess I feel guilty for being distracted.

I think it's in our nature as mothers to constantly feel guilty for anything that distracts us away from giving our LOs our 100%. But you are not just an amazing mum, you're also a great daughter. You did the best thing possible for your dad. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It's incredibly difficult watching family members suffer, and I know how difficult dementia can be. I can tell that you know you can't help him, though. You don't have the skills to. All you can do is love him, step back, and let those who can help him do so.

JocelynB0911 · January 2014

Your dad needs help and I feel you did the right thing by calling social services. Yes he is a grown man but with age comes health problems and despite what he says he needs someone. I know it's hard to split time between your LO and dad but just keep on top of social services and see if there is anything they can do short term until a solid plan comes into play.

the 'in between generation'?? (vent)

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