To TTC or not TTC, that is the question.

DevonBedford · January 2014

I know that 6 weeks after our loss I can expect to feel torn on this decision, but I'm starting to feel anxiety over the whole thing. Another 6 weeks and we are cleared to try again.
One minute I find myself researching meal plans during pg or just talking myself through what I'll do differently next time (can't help but still think I could have taken better care of Micah), and the next I'm packing stuff up and deleting posts/apps etc because I'll never do this again.
I'm sure this is normal and probably means I'm not ready to start ttc, but does there come a time when you do feel 100% ready?

shandorfml2 · January 2014

With time you will feel more ready and healed. Though I wanted and we tried to get preg ASAP after losing Ana, I am glad I have had 10 months to grieve. We're trying again now and I feel much more positive, less scared and more excited.

neptunebljc · January 2014

We started in Jan. I knew I was ready to try again, but at the same time, there is still tons of fears about loss and what not.

I did know for sure that I wanted to try though. Mind you, I think I will be more likly to stop sooner then I did last time.

mingaling2 · January 2014

I'm in the same spot as you are having a recent loss. I wonder if it is similar to when you try to TTC prior to a loss and just know that no matter what, you are ready and excited to try again and just face what may happen? I hope it is, at least, but I know I'm terrified of it regardless.

ThereBeDragons · January 2014

***siggy warning***

I haven't posted on Loss regularly since a few weeks after we lost our son, but I do have a perspective from over a year later that will maybe help, so out of lurker mode.

I remember very clearly the urge to start TtC again as soon as humanly possible about two months after our loss. For us, the process was complicated by the necessity of infertility treatments to get pregnant and so we were delayed about 6 months post loss before we could really settle in and start the (multi-month) process over.

And despite knowing that we wanted to try again, despite agreeing to start when we did- starting the process again was filled with a ton of petty arguments and anxiety for both of us. It was so bad that we were both relieved when the doc suggested freezing all of our embryos and coming back in a month or two to actually do the transfer. Neither of us were 100% ready to try again, no matter that we had been all for it a few months earlier.

DH, especially, always had another reason to delay or wait. Not now, maybe later. We waited three months after the retrieval before we transferred and that was only because I knew if we didn't move forward we would decide to wait through the holidays... Then wait until it was a good time... Then maybe wait some more- and by that point I'd be 35 and have AMA to add to my high risk list.

And, to be perfectly frank with another loss mom, the moment I got the positive test back I was 1000% certain that I was NOT ready to face pregnancy (and more specifically the possibility of another loss) again. I had a massive freak out and didn't really settle back down for a good two weeks. I'm still fighting, every day, to remember that what happened last year doesn't have to happen again. I do not, in any way, regret the decision to move forward and TTC again. It was a good decision and I'm very hopeful about my current pregnancy. I just don't think that I would have really been 100% ready even if we had waited 5 years. I will always remember what happened, and I will always live with the fear of it happening again. That's just my new normal.

All of this to say- if you feel ready and have doctors clearance- by all means. Jump back in. But don't be scared to put the brakes back on in a month or two if you suddenly realize you're not actually ready. There's a lot of mental stuff to work through and there's no rule that says that once you start trying you have to keep going even if it feels wrong. Take every day as it comes.

DevonBedford · January 2014

Thanks so much ladies. It is so comforting to hear your stories.
I know it's normal to go back and forth, and I know I'll definitely be terrified whenever it does happen regardless of how "ready" I am.
I think the fact that I will be 34 soon is playing with my head too. I can feel my clock ticking and know that risks just continue to increase as time goes on.

angelsnight · January 2014

Ticker warning (rainbow mentioned)

I'm not sure anyone is ever 100% ready, Pgal is a very exciting, but very scary time. We lost our angel at the end of March, we waited the 6 weeks before trying again. The first month was a BFN and I was a little bummed, but mostly ok and it wasn't bad to have that extra month to grieve, and we had success on our second month.

I know I was ready, but it still brings up a lot of conflicting feelings; worried we were trying too soon, worried we were replacing her, worrying about how I would handle another loss if the worst were to happen.

So I guess, don't go in expecting being ready means you have no doubts, because there will always be doubts. But someone once told me that you'll know you're ready when the desire to try again outweighs the fear of trying again. The fear will always be there, but takes a backseat to the hope and excitement (most of the time). Good luck!

stefuge · January 2014

Thank you ladies for sharing your experiences! MH and I have been cleared to try again in March, but feel at this point we aren't ready. I really appreciate all of your honesty and willingness to share what I know is a difficult decision.

OSUWifey09 · January 2014

***SIGGY/rainbow mentioned***

To be honest, I was terrified to try again. I knew it would be a mind trip to start TTCAL and be PgAL, but as others have said time and time again - when the desire to add outweighed the desire to replace, I knew I was ready. For me, I didn't feel that way until I went to counseling and worked with someone who really showed me that it was OK to move forward, that it was OK to say good bye to Devon but keep him in my heart and life forever. We got pregnant the second cycle trying, and being PgAL was really hard. I kept thinking that something would go wrong, that we wouldn't have a good outcome - but with the help of my OB, my MFM, friends and family, I was able to stay positive and bring our rainbow home.

I know the decision is a very hard one to make. Don't be afraid to start TTC and then say, "Ok, I think I need to step away for a little bit and regroup." We did that at first, and my regrouping took four months...but for you, it might just take a few weeks. Or even a few days. Take it one day at a time, and be confident in your decision - or lack of decision - to try again. I know that you will know when you're ready. **HUGS**

BrittianyM · January 2014

I feel alone because I am ready but my DH isn't. He is not even able to tell me why. He said that probley won't be this year that he will be ready. That really hurts me. I feel like this is a second loss. I don't really think he will ever be ready and I don't want to wait for long.

angelsnight · January 2014

BrittianyM said:

I feel alone because I am ready but my DH isn't. He is not even able to tell me why. He said that probley won't be this year that he will be ready. That really hurts me. I feel like this is a second loss. I don't really think he will ever be ready and I don't want to wait for long.

Ticker warning

I'm so sorry, that has to be very frustrating. I hope your husband decides he is ready sooner rather than later and you guys can be on the same page. Big hugs!

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