For those of you who have used friends/family to watch LO

mschware · January 2014

Those of you who already have a child and have used a nanny, or friend, or family member to watch your child consistently while you're at work instead of a daycare... Have you ever noticed any difficulties in raising your baby/child because someone else is with them a lot as well? My sister in law is becoming a stay at home mom with her 4 year old and 2 year old and is creating a learnatorium for her kids in their basement so she can teach them and she offered to watch ours whenever I have to go back to work. Which is nice and all because it's free, but I'm not sure how I feel about it because the way she raises her kids is almost the exact opposite of how I want to raise mine. She lets her boys fight, punch, and she basically doesn't really instill any kind of rules on them. She spanks if they r really bad, but I just don't like how crazy she has let her kids become (they both have gotten in trouble at their daycare for being violent). I am having a girl, and I just don't know if I feel comfortable letting my daughter be around that environment for 9 hours a day, and then think when she comes home that she can act the same way. So basically I'm wondering how your experiences with letting others watch your children have affected their behavior (good or bad) with relevance to how you raise them in your own home. & whether you think it's best to put them in a daycare/schooling system from infancy.

tbmadeamistake · January 2014

I have C in a daycare that very closely matches my own opinions on how children should be raised/taught/disciplined, so I'm not much help there. However, you should be comfortable with the environment that your child is spending most of their day in. If this person doesn't have it, don't use her. Maybe keep her as backup if you need a day now and then, but I wouldn't send my child there full time either. Just my two cents.

MollySm · January 2014

I personally would need someone who has similar parenting style and who agrees to follow my ruleswhile caring for my children. 9 hours a day is a giant portion of their awake time, and should have a big impact on who they grow to be.

Mowill59 · January 2014

I went back to work when DS was 6 mos. and my MIL watched him a lot. It was okay for awhile but she definitely has a different parenting style than DH and I. Eventually we put him in a daycare. I really think you need to make sure that you are comfortable with whoever is watching your child and how they watch your child. In my experience, children copy other people's behavior. So if you aren't comfortable with all the fighting I would look into other options.

megzep · January 2014

No thanks! Free or not, behavior is a big task to "correct". Not worth the headache.

babybean82 · January 2014

I have a friend that struggles with this, Her mom watches her daughter because she can't afford day care, and I don't think there are a lot of issues with parenting style other than diet. My friend wants her daughter to eat healthy, when she is at home and is hungry she gets a piece of fruit etc.... But she spends most of the day and 2 meals a day with her grandma who lets her eat whatever she wants. At grandmas if she doesn't finish lunch but wants cookies she gets them and gets pop and junk food non stop there. The issue now is this little girl is very overweight and only wants to eat junk food all the time.

LaurelJoy91 · January 2014

I'm a FTM so I haven't experienced this yet, but I am planning on letting my mother watch my daughter after she is born and I go back to work. I feel very comfortable with this because I have first hand experience in knowing that, after raising myself and 3 siblings, she does an excellent job of taking care of children, and I even base most of my values/discipline techniques on her parenting style. I would also feel just as comfortable letting a certain one of my sisters babysit as well for the same reasons.

However, while I know my other sister would love to help out, and I wish I could let her watch my daughter, it is not something I feel comfortable allowing (at least not often) not due to her having bad parenting techniques (because I'm sure her values are similar to mine), but because I do not want to expose my daughter to the unhealthy relationship and environment she has with her husband. Nor would I feel quite as comfortable with my FIL doing the sitting, for he is very temperamental and is known to throw tantrums like a 2 year old multiple times throughout the day and doesn't know how to debate politely instead of shouting and cursing constantly.

It is very important to me to make sure my child is raised in an environment that is safe for them mentally, physically, and emotionally. Your SIL's offer is very generous, and this "learnatorium" sounds awesome, but I think it would be better to look into different options. Perhaps let her watch your LO occasionally so she has the opportunity to learn to socialize and bond with her cousins, but not so often that your daughter grows up primarily under SIL's influence.

mschware · January 2014

I appreciate all your answers... this helps. I think I'm just going to research which daycare I like best and start with that. & my SIL will be around my daughter a lot since she loves so close, so I will see from that how she lets her kid act around her as well. But I think for now I should have a different plan besides her. I want to start working part-time after baby is 6 weeks if I'm able so that way I have more time and more of an influence on her. Not sure if that will work out financially yet, but I want to have a big influence on her as much as possible! Maybe I'm just having FTM worries!

nicolewhelan · January 2014

My sister went through a similar situation. SIL offered to watch my nephew (who was also 9 weeks early and needs a little more attention because of that) but she has horrible parenting skills with her own child so my sister couldn't handle it. SIL never puts her child down and babies him to death. My sister feared if the SIL could handle watching 2 kids at once. She ended up putting him in daycare that costs her a fortune because they live in downtown Houston, but she said he loves it and they give him all the attention he needs during the day. Good luck...I have to agree with everyone else here though, you've got to put your kid where you feel most comfortable. Based off the environment you described...I would opt for daycare or another option.

k318 · January 2014

You have to do what you feel comfortable with, don't feel pressured to have a family member watch your kid just because it's free and family. If you are uneasy with the way she takes care of kids and are not confident that things will be handled in a way you feel comfortable with, you will be very distracted at work and constantly worrying. I have my mom watch ds and it is great because even though my parenting style is a little different than hers she respects the way I want things done and does her best to follow my schedule. I also know that he is safe and she is watching him closely so he won't get hurt. This keeps my mind at ease when I am work and helps me concentrate on my job.

There were two days I had to send him to someone else when my mom was sick and I was worried about my son all day, stressed, not giving my job my full attention, etc. that was not a good feeling.

babygabe614 · January 2014

LaurelJoy91 said:

I'm a FTM so I haven't experienced this yet, but I am planning on letting my mother watch my daughter after she is born and I go back to work. I feel very comfortable with this because I have first hand experience in knowing that, after raising myself and 3 siblings, she does an excellent job of taking care of children, and I even base most of my values/discipline techniques on her parenting style.

This is my situation, as well. My mom's way of structured parenting while also being a doting and loving grandmother are just a perfect fit for the way DH and I want to raise our LO, and she shares our same values when it comes to instilling routines, healthy lifestyles and diet, discipline, etc.

That said, I would never in a million years allow my ILs to watch my LO for more than an hour or so at a time, because they have no concept of rules or structure, they smoke in their home, have horrible eating habits, and I despise the way they interact with my stepson and try to "team up" with him to undermine DH & my rules every time we visit.

You really need to ensure you are 100% comfortable with the situation you put your LO in since it will be such a huge chunk of her day and she will be learning so much during that time. I think looking into daycares seems like a great start, and if you can go back to work p/t even better! GL!

Unknown · January 2014

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Mrs_D_in_KY · January 2014

I would say no. I used to have my SIL watch DS one day a week and my own grandmother watching him one day a week. It was a nightmare. No one listened to how I wanted things to be done and most importantly what to feed him. So now I have an almost 4 year old super picky eater that has only tried new foods recently because of his daycare he's been in for 2 years. now.

Our daycare is an in home state certified daycare near our home. She is awesome and we are all on the same page. This next LO will be going there no doubt.

Gigi8212 · January 2014

That's a tough call. My mom watches my dd twice a week while MH and I are at work and while she has a totally different parenting style than I do, it hasn't been an issue. A lot of my parenting methods would be more along the lines of attachment parenting.

My mom is more traditional. She prefers not to use cloth, so she provides her own disposables when she has dd. I baby wear when out if the house, whereas my mom prefers a stroller. So for the most part, it's small things like that. For us, it has never been an issue. I trust my mom with my child 100%, and that is what matters.

The situation you are describing is very different. If you question your child's safety with your SIL, I would find an alternative provider.

Luna C · January 2014

I don't see a problem with using a friend or relative as a care provider, but I think it has to be someone who's child rearing style is at least similar to your own.

Even if her kids turned out to be perfect little angels, the inconsistency between what is allowed at home vs. what's allowed at "daycare" is going to be confusing as LO become not-so-little.

SchoolPsychSteph · January 2014

I'd look into child care programs. You also face the challenge of family thinking they know your LO better than you do. i. e. "She always eat all her food at my house," "she always naps for two hours at my house," "she never cries with me," "at my house we do..." whatever. I think this would piss me off the most.

zipscheer07 · January 2014

Im sorry I am not much help. My SIL watches my LO 2 days a week sometimes 3 depending on the week but both her kids are in school. I think I would need to have similar parenting to watch them or try it out but explain how you want her being taught. If it doesnt work you can always pull her out!

snowpants · January 2014

Feeling comfortable with the parenting/teaching style of your child's caregiver is a must, no matter if they are family or not. If you don't want your daughter in that environment for 9 hours a day (and I don't blame you) then it's not worth it IMHO.

My MIL watched my DD for almost 2 years and it was amazing. She and I have similar beliefs regarding schedules, discipline, what is appropriate or not, etc, and I felt totally comfortable with the situation. When we moved to daycare I found a place that I felt was really similar, albeit in a larger setting.

Follow your gut. How she is allowed to act at "daycare" with your sister will absolutely have an impact on how she acts at home.

lellymine · January 2014

Another thing to just consider when having a relative watch your kids is communication. When DH and I first got married his sister had just gotten a divorce and so I volunteered to watch her two boys while she was at work. Eventually she started being 15 minutes late and then stretched out to an hour or two so she could go grocery shopping. I felt taken advantage of and said something and she got really offended. It caused a big rift between us for about a year.

Pepper6 · January 2014

snowpants said:

Feeling comfortable with the parenting/teaching style of your child's caregiver is a must, no matter if they are family or not. If you don't want your daughter in that environment for 9 hours a day (and I don't blame you) then it's not worth it IMHO.
My MIL watched my DD for almost 2 years and it was amazing. She and I have similar beliefs regarding schedules, discipline, what is appropriate or not, etc, and I felt totally comfortable with the situation. When we moved to daycare I found a place that I felt was really similar, albeit in a larger setting.
Follow your gut. How she is allowed to act at "daycare" with your sister will absolutely have an impact on how she acts at home.

All of this. If you have even the slightest doubt with how your child will be 'raised' in any daycare, you need to find somewhere else.

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For those of you who have used friends/family to watch LO

Re: For those of you who have used friends/family to watch LO

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