STMs- explaining death to a 2 yr old

ChristineBaker23 · January 2014

I posted this in the 24 month + forum but they're kind of slow to respond over there. So, sorry if anyone is reading this twice. On Monday a very dear friend of our family passed away. This man has been a very big part of my daughters life since she was born and she refers to him as Uncle. He had even babysat her since she was about 2 months old. I just don't know exactly how to explain to her that she will never be able to see him again. Luckily she hasn't asked to see him yet, mostly because I would burst into tears, but I know I can't avoid the situation forever and I definitely don't want to hamper her memories of him. Has anyone had to deal with this sort of situation? Any advice on how to break it down to a two year old level?

Kc4mom · January 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss.
My husbands grandfather died when our kids were 2, 4, and 6. We tired the best we could to explaine that he was in heaven with grandma now and that they had an angle to watch over them. There are also tons of books that can help explaine it to kids. We also did let them go to the funeral. They did not totally get it but I think it helped them understand to see others mourn.
It's hard all around. My T & P are with you and your family.

RaisingABuzz · January 2014

My son was 2 years old when when my 18 year old sister died in a car accident. I struggled to figure out how to explain this to him since they were so close. Many people discouraged me from taking him to the funeral home, but something didn't feel right about not letting him say goodbye. I was very honest with him and told him that his Auntie was in a "special sleep" and we needed to say goodbye. We picked out a stuffed animal and had a private viewing at the funeral home. He put the monkey in her casket and said goodbye to her. I could tell in his eyes that he understood. The idea of forever is hard for a 2 year old to understand. The concept of after-life or heaven is also tough to understand. What we ended up doing (even though we didn't realized it at the time) was created a memory to reference. Today we talk about "when we said goodbye to Aunt Tami and gave her our monkey". He is 4 years old know and if you ask him about his aunt he will tell you that she died and is in Heaven now. He knows that we won't see her again here on earth, but we still love her. We have a lot of pictures around so he knows who she is and what she looks like.

Grief is something that everyone experiences, even if they don't understand it. I encourage you to be honest with your child. I'm not saying you need to take her to the funeral home or burial, but give her a chance to say goodbye in a way that you see fit as parents. Make sure if you refer to it as sleeping, you specify that it's a "special" sleep or your DD might think she won't wake up when she goes to sleep. Like PP said, there are a lot of books available that can help too.

I'm sorry for your loss and I know that this has probably been a very emotional week for you and your family. (and sorry for the long response)

ChristineBaker23 · January 2014

krptcmschfmkr128 said:
Over on the Parenting board, there are some awesome women who've answered this question before.

@Rhondackhiker has had some good suggestions in the past.

I'm mobile so it's difficult for me to look that up. I tried looking up the user but it didn't find it. Is there a way to give me a link?

momof5sept18 · January 2014

My DS1 was a year old when his nanny passed away and 3 yrs later he remembers her without issue but knows she passed away and is in heaven with his great grandmother and great grandfather on my side. I tell him stories about her and show him pictures and he still says he loves her, and if someone asks about her he says she's in heaven because she got sick and passed away. Same with his Gigi (my grandmother) and his Pop-pop (my grandfather). I would just sit down and talk to your child, and explain it gently and give them something to help comprehend. Like a picture and let them release a balloon with your childs Uncle's name on it. Like sending a gift to her Uncle up in heaven to help your child comprehend in a way thats easier for her.

Thoughts and prayers for you and your friends/family in your time of grief.

noryang · January 2014

I think whatever you choose to do - simple honesty isbest. Kids are so much wiser than we give them credit for and have a deeper understanding often than we think they will. Keep it simple but whatever is real for your family - heaven, etc., etc.

JNerd · January 2014

I don't have any advice but I am very sorry for your loss. Thoughts and prayers to you and your family in this tragic time.

ChristineBaker23 · January 2014

Mommy23Munchkins said:
My DS1 was a year old when his nanny passed away and 3 yrs later he remembers her without issue but knows she passed away and is in heaven with his great grandmother and great grandfather on my side. I tell him stories about her and show him pictures and he still says he loves her, and if someone asks about her he says she's in heaven because she got sick and passed away. Same with his Gigi (my grandmother) and his Pop-pop (my grandfather). I would just sit down and talk to your child, and explain it gently and give them something to help comprehend. Like a picture and let them release a balloon with your childs Uncle's name on it. Like sending a gift to her Uncle up in heaven to help your child comprehend in a way thats easier for her.

Thoughts and prayers for you and your friends/family in your time of grief.

Thank you for this. I find it very comforting to hear it is possible for my daughter to remember her uncle. I was thinking of making a scrapbook of pictures for her to look at whenever she wants to see him. He has also made her an assortment of beautiful gifts for her one of which is a handmade solid wood rocking horse that he just gave her for Christmas. I hope this too will help her remember him. I love the idea of sending a balloon to him in heaven. I think that she may be able to understand it better that way. Thank you again. Your post has offered a lot of comfort.

MissBHaven1024 · January 2014

I'm really sorry for your loss! When my grandpa died, DD#1 was 3 months shy of turning 3. We kept it very simple and told her that PaPa went to Heaven, and that he was sorry to have to go, but that Jesus needed his help. She never really asked much after that, but she would always tell people that her PaPa was special because he was in Heaven with Jesus.

I'm sure you will find the right words that will explain everything best for your DD, and it will be sufficient for her.

clee2009 · January 2014

I am so sorry for your loss. I know it is very hard. My grandfather passed away unexpectedly when my DD was 2 1/2. Up until that point he and my grandmother had been a primary caregiver for my daughter while I worked. It was strange how at peace she was with everything. She was in the waiting room with our family as we took him off of life support and basically that piece of support that kept everyone together while we all felt like falling apart. It is amazing how healing a child can be to help keep your mind off of the sadness. She still asks questions and knows he is in heaven. I just like to keep his memory alive by sharing all of this great stories and how he loved and spoiled her.

Your DD will ask questions and some of them may seem inappropriate but just answer them the best that you can. Someday they won't be so hard to answer. Hugs to you and your family!

mrs_drc_rn · January 2014

I'm a FTM so I don't have any advice to offer but wanted to send my condolences.

flerlgirl · January 2014

I haven't experienced this myself (explaining it to a toddler), but my grandfather died when I was very young and my parents were just very honest and straightforward about it. We're Christians so they told me he was in heaven and was no longer sick or hurting (he had cancer). When I saw him in his casket I asked my dad how he could be in heaven and still here, and my dad pinched the skin on the back of my hand and told me that the outside was still here, but the part that made my grandfather who he was was in heaven. And if I asked a question they didn't know the answer to (like how exactly cancer kills someone), they were honest and said they didn't know but if they ever found out they would tell me. They were very loving but also boiled it down to the simplest explanation to help me understand.

Hope that helps and I am very sorry for your loss.

abastian00 · January 2014

Didn't read through all of the above, but this was in the NYT today - hope it's helpful!

https://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/01/08/how-to-talk-to-kids-about-death/

ChristineBaker23 · January 2014

Thanks everyone for all your support and suggestions. All if this will be very helpful as I have to explain the loss of this dear friend to my daughter.

lest12 · January 2014

I'm very sorry for your loss.

justme04 · January 2014

I am so sorry for your loss and I saw that you got a lot of really terrific advice. My grandmother passed away before Thanksgiving and both of the boys adored her as much as she adored her only great grandchildren. It was really tough and still is. My thoughts are with you and your family.

chloephoebecali · January 2014

I don't know how young of a 2 year old your dd is, but I would wait until she brought him up. This way you have some time to heal and be able to respond calmly. I know my mid 2 year old wouldn't completely get it. Because I am Christian, I would go the religious route and explain they are with God in heaven, etc, but it really depends on your personal beliefs. So sorry for your loss.

RaisingABuzz · January 2014

Thanks @mullenem. It was difficult, but I couldn't have done it without DH and my family's support. We aren't the same people we were before her accident. It really makes you realize what's important.

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