The day has come

mookie_moose_10 · January 2014

My husband is leaving for basic training in the morning. Im not happy at all. Something happened that makes me feel like i cant forgive him ( wish i could share but its too personal) I feel pressured to forgive him because hes leaving but i feel like i would be lying, and it would be hard to pretend im not upset with him. Im afraid with what happened and him leaving that he will come home and well both be cold.

chickpea912 · January 2014

I'm sorry you're having a tough time - I hope you can part with some peace.

MaidMarion25 · January 2014

I'm sorry your having a hard time, I hope things get better for you!

katekat8721 · January 2014

I don't know what happened (but c'mon we're dying to know and already assuming the worst) but I'd try to get that wrapped up before he left.

If nothing conclusive can be resolved, then at least be honest with each other so you both have realistic expectations when you're reunited.

Good luck sweets. Thank you and your hubby for his service and I hope you guys can work this out.

kibean · January 2014

That sounds terrible. I am not sure how bad whatever happened was, but maybe some space will allow you to clear both your heads and come at the problem from a new angle? I hope things start looking up soon!

jshrop · January 2014

Okay, I'm not sure about the terrible, awful, no good thing that mister did.... But I can tell you that I was in your shoes (sorta) recently. My husband left for basic 2/12. If you need anything-- someone to rant to, curse at, vent to, whatever... I'm here. It's an incredibly frustrating and emotional time, not something you want to go through alone.
Couple of questions...
1. Where's he reporting to?
2. What's his MOS? And how long is his AIT?
3. Do you have a support system near you that's been through similar?

As for the no good awful thing..... Is he remorseful? Like genuinely? And is it that bad that you're willing to hold on to this anger? Or is it a culmination of "you fucked up AND you're leaving me?"
I know I was FURIOUS with hubs when he left. Then the next day, I don't know... It just lifted. I wasn't angry anymore. This isn't a life I'd wish upon anyone, but it's ours.... And we are doing our best to hold it all together.
hugs...

wtfisup · January 2014

Do you have a good support network there?

kibean · January 2014

Another thing I just thought of (and forgive me if whatever he did was awful and forget I said this) but my husband and I had a long distance relationship for a while when we were in college and it always seemed like I would get in fights with him before we would have to be apart for months. I think I started things because it was easier to say goodbye if I was mad. Again, if what he did was terrible this doesn't apply, but if it is like a pp said and more of an accumulation of things, maybe this is part of it.

Edit: clarity/grammar

bumpuser9343355 · January 2014

I hope you guys are able to find some sort of resolution before he leaves, but as PP said, maybe some space will help clear things up. Hugs to you and keep us posted on how you are doing.

chaysefaith · January 2014

I hope this works out for you! FWIW, my bf was deployed for 14 months (just came home in July) and the distance made our relationship stronger. We had no choice but to talk through our issues, because walking away wasn't an option. I wasn't with him during basic but from what I understand the communication is little, but maybe the distance will give you both a chance to think through your side of the arguments and be able to have a calm conversation when he's home.

bebemac · January 2014

I'm sorry to hear that he has made a difficult situation even more difficult. I hope you have some family and friends that you can lean on for support. Perhaps you can forgive, but not forget, at least for your own sanity? You still have every right, of course, to remain upset until you process this. I don't know the gravity of what he did, so this may not apply here, but it's just a thought. Hugs to you!

jshrop · January 2014

Also, if it makes you feel any better, we have no clue who you are. It's not like if you tell us we're going to bring it up at holidays or when we are mad at him (like my family tends to do). It's kinda like confession- you're pretty much anonymous here! It might make you feel better to talk about it. Also @SNLT1012 is right. Your communication will be mainly letters, occasionally a phone call (I think I got to talk to hubs maybe 6 or 7 times in 14 weeks, and only for 10 min at a time). So, it might be worth putting aside while he's gone.

emfoxc · January 2014

It can be a really lonely time during BCT, for you, but also awful on his end. I would say try to leave on the best terms possible, even if it's just an inkling of hope on the horizon for you guys. He'll need something positive to look forward to to get him through the misery. And then when you get the mailing address in a few weeks, write him everyday if possible. Not only will it be a different way to communicate, but it will allow both of you to be introspective of your own feelings. He should be writing you as often as possible too. My H left for BCT almost exactly a year ago, and went straight to OCS so it was a long time apart. The emptiest was watching him walk away at the airport. The best was watching him try to hide a smile during AM PT in front of his drill sergeant the first time he saw me on family day.

Hopefully you both can find a way to make the best out of a tough situation.

ricecakes1216 · January 2014

First off I am sorry that you are going through this. I hope that you can find peace in your situation.

I have to agree with @emfoxc. My H left for boot camp 6 years ago when we were newly engaged. It was the hardest day of my life. I knew what he was facing would be the most horrible time of his life. What your H will be going through will be so challenging physically, but even more so mentally. You need to let him go with a glimmer of hope. You need to find yourself during this time, get some counseling and do some soul searching. Write him daily (that mail will be the light of his whole day). Then when you go see him on graduation day, you will see that your questions will be answered. That was one of the best days of my life (aside from our wedding day and his two deployment homecomings).

Again, I am sorry you have to deal with this on top of him leaving.

erind228 · January 2014

I'm sorry things aren't ideal right now. I agree with pp, try to talk about what's bothering you before he leaves. Good luck. I hope everything gets better for you soon.

JulieSmiles · January 2014

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Hopefully you two can talk through some things and can find some peace before he leaves. Hugs!

mookie_moose_10 · January 2014

jshrop said:

Okay, I'm not sure about the terrible, awful, no good thing that mister did.... But I can tell you that I was in your shoes (sorta) recently. My husband left for basic 2/12. If you need anything-- someone to rant to, curse at, vent to, whatever... I'm here. It's an incredibly frustrating and emotional time, not something you want to go through alone.
Couple of questions...
1. Where's he reporting to?
2. What's his MOS? And how long is his AIT?
3. Do you have a support system near you that's been through similar?

As for the no good awful thing..... Is he remorseful? Like genuinely? And is it that bad that you're willing to hold on to this anger? Or is it a culmination of "you fucked up AND you're leaving me?"
I know I was FURIOUS with hubs when he left. Then the next day, I don't know... It just lifted. I wasn't angry anymore. This isn't a life I'd wish upon anyone, but it's ours.... And we are doing our best to hold it all together.
hugs...

His MOS is Infantry.
Hes going to Fort Benning. With AIT and all, it will be 16 weeks total.
So back just about 6 weeks before babys due, which i am glad for.
He feels bad for what he did, but alot of what im hearing is i was drunk, and i didnt mean it. But the excuse of drinking dose not exclude the fact that he did something that I very much feel violates our relationship. I wait 4 years to marry this man, and its all ive ever wanted, hes always made little mistakes but never anything to make me doubt in our future like this did.

I feel like if i tell my family they may give him a hard time and i dont need anyone making it worse but i really wish i could talk to someone. I only have one friend, it may sound sad, but I have one good friend, and well shes a good friend but shes friends to both of us and i fear that her opinion may not be as helpful as it would be from a 3rd party person who has no interest.

All i know is tomorrow hes leaving and its the not the way i pictured saying good bye.
I love my husband.

kibean · January 2014

I am very, very sorry that you are going through all of this. How overwhelming, stressful, and sad for you to be losing him physically for a while and also being afraid of losing him emotionally at the same time. I hope you know you have tons of support here and if you ever need to talk there are people here for you.

mschware · January 2014

Whatever happened, I'm sorry it's making you feel like this. I don't think you should tell him that you forgive him just because he's leaving because like you said you don't want to lie and you can't just push away your feelings. But I think you definitely need to talk to him before he leaves and tell him how u honestly feel and how if he is willing to work on things then you will want to forgive him.. Because then once he's gone it will give u peace knowing he went there with u guys on okay terms and it will give u time to think about how you will work on your relationship! I'm sure him being gone will be hard on him too whether he admits it or not, and if u r honest with how u feel than he will be able to work on/process it all for the 2-3 months that he is gone and when he comes back it will be like a fresh plate. Distance is hard, but it can make relationships amazing in the end.

Ladybird2014 · January 2014

1. I wouldn't tell my family because they will NEVER forget.
2. Forgiveness or resolution takes time. Give yourself time to process the behavior.
3. Big creep Internet hugs >:D< . We have ALL been though ups and down in our marriages. No matter if they were big or small!!! After 7 years I'm starting to really feel bliss...no one tells you after that big, pretty, expensive wedding that you actually have to work through HELL sometimes.
4. Give your man a big hug, tell him you love him and allow time to do 1 or two things....

chaysefaith · January 2014

My bf was infantry as well. Good luck, sista.

I suspect I know what you're dealing with and I've been there. If you need someone to talk to I'm sure any of us ladies would be here for you.

I totally understand not wanting to talk to friends or family about relationship issues, and honestly, I think that's best. Talking about issues allows people to form opinions and try to push them on you.

((Hugs))

colllydon · January 2014

Ladybird2014 said:
1. I wouldn't tell my family because they will NEVER forget.
2. Forgiveness or resolution takes time. Give yourself time to process the behavior.
3. Big creep Internet hugs >:D< . We have ALL been though ups and down in our marriages. No matter if they were big or small!!! After 7 years I'm starting to really feel bliss...no one tells you after that big, pretty, expensive wedding that you actually have to work through HELL sometimes.
4. Give your man a big hug, tell him you love him and allow time to do 1 or two things....

^^^this is great advice.

Stefanie&Byron · January 2014

I was in your shoes right at this time 2 years ago, my DH left for basic and went to Ft. Benning too and was gone for 6 months. I really didn't think I was going to get through it but honestly it made our relationship closer. It was EXTREMELY tough for him and the man I had NEVER seen cry was call home crying to me saying he wanted to come home. It was eye opening for him and really made him see who in his life he cared the most about. I hope you and your DH can work it out before he leaves because it will be awhile before you see or even talk to him. I think I spoke to my hubby twice in basic. I will NEVER forget seeing him for the first time at his basic graduation, I had never been more proud of him in my life and of course so happy to finally see him. Also, not really sure exactly what happen between you to but I'd image you both have a lot of emotions going through your heads right now that could cause something to happen right before he leaves. If you need a shoulder to cry on or someone to chat with while he is gone, let me know!

jshrop · January 2014

colllydon said:

1. I wouldn't tell my family because they will NEVER forget. 2. Forgiveness or resolution takes time. Give yourself time to process the behavior. 3. Big creep Internet hugs >:D< . We have ALL been though ups and down in our marriages. No matter if they were big or small!!! After 7 years I'm starting to really feel bliss...no one tells you after that big, pretty, expensive wedding that you actually have to work through HELL sometimes. 4. Give your man a big hug, tell him you love him and allow time to do 1 or two things....
^^^this is great advice.

ditto the great advice. My husband was infantry trained @ Ft Benning too. They have an excellent basic and AIT program. Like PP said, I would not discuss this with family-- if they're anything like mine it'll be hell when you forgive him. Also, this may be a good time to see a counselor to work through those feelings you have. I wouldn't try and sit on them because it'll likely lead to resentment. As for friends, lady you've got a full board of people here for you! Most of us can relate to one aspect or another that you're going through. (At the very least, we're all pregnant lol!)
PM If you need!!!! I'll be more than happy to chat and answer any questions about the military crap you're going to be going through. (Best advice I can give-- expect absolutely nothing from the Army. They take their own damn time doing everything!!!)

jshrop · January 2014

Stefanie&Byron said:

I was in your shoes right at this time 2 years ago, my DH left for basic and went to Ft. Benning too and was gone for 6 months. I really didn't think I was going to get through it but honestly it made our relationship closer. It was EXTREMELY tough for him and the man I had NEVER seen cry was call home crying to me saying he wanted to come home. It was eye opening for him and really made him see who in his life he cared the most about. I hope you and your DH can work it out before he leaves because it will be awhile before you see or even talk to him. I think I spoke to my hubby twice in basic. I will NEVER forget seeing him for the first time at his basic graduation, I had never been more proud of him in my life and of course so happy to finally see him. Also, not really sure exactly what happen between you to but I'd image you both have a lot of emotions going through your heads right now that could cause something to happen right before he leaves. If you need a shoulder to cry on or someone to chat with while he is gone, let me know!

@Stefanie&Byron lol! What training unit was he in? Wonder if our hubs met lol!! My husband was Bravo 1/50th, reported to Benning 2/21/12. Edit for tag

bebemac · January 2014

mookie_moose_10 said:
He feels bad for what he did, but alot of what im hearing is i was drunk, and i didnt mean it. But the excuse of drinking dose not exclude the fact that he did something that I very much feel violates our relationship. I wait 4 years to marry this man, and its all ive ever wanted, hes always made little mistakes but never anything to make me doubt in our future like this did.

Reading between the lines, this sounds like a fidelity issue. If that's the case, I have been there and it hurts. A lot. It was only a matter of hours after ex-DH's confession that I served him with divorce papers and moved out that same night. We had been married for 6 years, and I don't take matters like these lightly; I instantly knew it was over.

Only you know if you are able to look beyond something like this and move forward. Whatever decision you take, I hope it works out for you. The time and space will be helpful to think and process all of this.

MissBHaven1024 · January 2014

I'm sorry that you are not in a happier place with your DH. Whatever happened, I'm sure you will do what is best for you. I hope you are able to work things out and come to a resolution that has you feeling confident and happy. Big hugs!

Lakirat · January 2014

It sounds like he is sorry and that you want to make the effort to eventually forgive him. Allow yourself to be angry with him. When you say goodbye I would suggest telling him what you told us: that you love him but you are still angry and need time to forgive him.

Does he get drunk often or was this because he was being deployed? I would be worried if this was a common occurance since it would be so easy for him to do something stupid again. Hopefully he'll be the one to make a change and watch his drinking. He should be making an effort especially with a LO on the way.

Maybe it would help to start a list of reasons why you love him. You could add a single item to the list every day. When you talk to him again you may be a little less angry.

Stefanie&Byron · January 2014

@jshrop ,He was Bravo 2/46 reported Jan. 2012! He wasn't infantry though.. fun times! lol

jshrop · January 2014

@Stefanie&Byron Haha!! I know right. Stupid Columbus GA. he was there for all his training, BCT, AIT, ABN, and RASP, so I ended up renting an apartment BC it was cheaper than staying in hotels on the weekends (plus it gave him a place to unwind when not in training). I really hope to never have to go back there lol

Stefanie&Byron · January 2014

OH wow! That's so nice! My DH went to San Antonio after BC for 16 more weeks, I only saw him once

But that was a FUN TIME!

I hope to never go back there too!

christinemurray91 · January 2014

I have a feeling, like a few PPs that this may be an infidelity issue...

If thats the case, I've been there, with DH when We were still dating.

The only reason I have Red flags flying is because he's making excuses... "I was drunk". There is never any excuse and you'll now be on edge any time you know he is going to have a few.

With DH, we had a really hard year after the incident. We fought a lot and cried a lot. We went to some counselling and it took about 2 years for me to honestly say I forgave him and could trust him again.

You shouldn't feel like you need to forgive him right now, if this is the case. You also shouldn't be afraid to be angry and feel betrayed because he's going away and you're expecting.

I also never told my family and I'm happy I didn't. They wouldn't feel the same about DH anymore... And I think it would have changed how things turned out if they knew.

I don't have too much advice, other than to let you know, its okay to be angry. And you probably will be for a while. Relationships can make it through this, but only if both of you are honest and he can get past his excuses and own up to it.

JNYLP · January 2014

I'm sorry you have to go through this right now!... My T&P's are with you!

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