relationship falling apart

sunshine2929 · January 2014

I know there have been previous posts about problems in marriages/relationships since having LO. Has it gotten better or worst for everyone? I feel like my SO and I just cant see eye to eye anymore on anything. He works about 60 hours a week because I'm on maternity leave and took a massive pay cut. We also bought our first house right before LO arrived so less money, more bills. I just feel like there's no.love left between us, we are always fighting- though not in front of LO thankfully. I just dont see this getting any better. I find him so selfish now. He says we are all he's ever wanted but won't do anything extra for me at all. Just to give you an example, I'm sick as a dog right now and he is the one napping.
I dont know, no real point to this I'm just sad that we are at this point. I've actually been thinking lately id be happier alone, I just cant take the unhappiness anymore.

313Meg · January 2014

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time! And hope you feel better soon!

Things were tough for H and I for a while. A baby let alone new house adds so much stress on a relationship. We bought a house in June so I know what it's like. We had to have several serious conversations and it wasn't like "you make me feel" or "you do this" none of that. It was I understand how tough this is on u, and it's tough on us. This is how I feel and I really want to help us get on the same page.
What do you need more from me... And this is what I would like more from you. I don't know if that would help. I know it's hard not to say you are a jerk and selfish... But that won't resolve anything. IMO. I would also make sure H wants to be on the same page and fix things. Go see a neutral party like couples therapy.

I hope you guys can climb back out of this hole!!! I'm sure this is super super common! Good luck mama!

kennazebrowsky · January 2014

I'm sorry. Trust me though when I say this... Men think differently. My husband doesn't even understand shit if I'm sick. I'm the nurturer. They need to be taken care of. Sometimes I feel like I'm so mad at him but really he's just like a baby. They think differently.

If you are truly upset maybe you should talk to a counselor. Adding kids always adds a lot in any relationship.

blinnea23 · January 2014

I'm sorry you're having a hard time

is there any way you and him can schedule a date night once a week? Even if it's just after baby goes to sleep? Maybe if you start putting time aside for each other then the talking will come more easily..

EllaBelle2010 · January 2014

I'm sorry you're going through this. But sadly yes I know how you feel. DH and I are barely tolerable roommates at the moment and i don't know how to fix it. It was bad through my pregnancy and then it got better but now it's back to being bad.

We just can't seem to get on the same page. We're not even in the same book right now.

Skalbrecht · January 2014

Sorry to hear about your challenges. That is definitely a lot of change at once. I think you are certainly not alone. My husband and I have had challenges too. We have seen a counselor together before and it really helped. I try to remember this is new for my husband too. I try to be honest and make sure I am speaking up about my needs too, as well as asking about his. We try to find some kind of balance, but it's not easy!
Good luck!

sunshine2929 · January 2014

Thanks everyone for your advice and encouragement... I know now is not the time to make any rash decisions, but in the heat of the moment its hard to bite your tongue. I do love him and I know he loves me its just his selfish ways really bother me and I dont know if that part of him will fully go away so ill just have to accept it. Money is a big part of our problem, he's a spender and not used to not having extra to buy what he wants. Im also sleep deprived and maybe a bit bitter towards him about it at times.
@kennazebrowsky- he's definitely not a nurtured. He thinks you just gotta suck it up- so annoying but it is what it is
@ellabelle2010- hope it gets better for you as well. And yeah we aren't in the same book either anymore
@blinnea23- we definitely need to make time for each other, just really hard with the hours he works

Thanks ladies for your support

kimberlymacrae · January 2014

I agree with @kennazebrowsky: maybe you guys can start to see someone? Is this something that he'd be up for? I'd start at first with seeing the therapist by yourself for 5 or so sessions and then start to see the person together. I say this because a lot of the times there are under lying issues that both of you have to get straight. It helps 100%.

Also you have to communicate communicate communicate. If you want a nap turn don't expect them to jump up and take the kiddo for you. You have to say "I need this _____, you do that ______, etc." Make sure your tone isn't all Major Payne. Boys are so dumb.

Also sometimes a good night's sleep and a hot shower can really lift you spirits! See if a family friend or family member can take LO for a couple hours and you just take care of yourself. Don't nurture DH, don't do ANY chores, watch your shows, take a nap and a long hot shower. Maybe a glass of wine?

janelleashu · January 2014

I will second having a glass of wine and a long shower. I am pretty sure baths/showers have saved my marriage.

I am really sorry you are struggling! I think most couples go through really tough months during the baby's first year. Is there anyone at your husband's work who could kind of commiserate with him? I think men need to vent too and it helps to get perspective-just like for us.

Nukke · January 2014

I'm so sorry. And I know that when I'm sick I'm extra emotional and irritable. My DH is also the furthest thing from a nurturer. He actually gets angry when I haven't helped myself. For example, I'll say something like, "I have a headache". Instead of saying, "Oh honey, I'm sorry. Can I get you something?" He says, "WTF?! For how long has this been going on?! Have you even bothered to take anything?". It's ridiculous.

With that said, DH and I hit a breaking point about a year and a half ago with our lack of communication. We were both very angry at each other, not listening to each other, and making the matter worse. I felt like even though I loved him, I'd made a mistake marrying him. We went to see a couples counselor, and I can't recommend it enough. All those things I'd nagged DH about he actually listened to when he heard it from someone else. I finally felt heard. And I learned some things that I was doing wrong too. The counselor also pointed out some really amazing, positive and loving things about our relationship that we were too angry to notice. That gave us the confidence to work on our problems.

We're not perfect, but counseling did give us some pretty awesome tools for improving our relationship. With the baby and DH's constant struggle to land a better job, it's been very stressful. But I know we're going to be fine.

I'm always here to chat, of course. You still have my number

HBirdie · January 2014

I have no advice to add to all the PPs, they covered it. But I wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this. Big life changes cause stress and friction. I hope you guys can get the help you need. HUGS!

>:D<

llybeck · January 2014

I'm sorry you're going through this, all of that is incredibly tough. I would say don't do anything rash and to make sure to step back and really evaluate your feelings. I had the same thing as you today, I'm sick and SO took a long nap. I wanted to smack him but instead I let him sleep for a while and then woke him up and nicely asked him to help me, which he did right away.

I don't know your relationship but I know for us that a big thing was me actually making sure that I really do ask for specific help. I was constantly saying that he didn't help but I just expected him to do it or I would just say, "you need to clean more." He didn't know what that meant, it seems obvious but actually saying specific things like empty the dishwasher or vacuum the entryway or play with DD made a huge difference. Eventually he started doing more without me asking but it certainly wasn't overnight.

I know partly my SO is just lazy, he was babied and never had to do anything for himself but I knew that from the get go. A lot of times it feels like he's being a selfish jerk but I have come to understand that most of The time, he genuinely doesn't see anything wrong with what he's doing and can't figure out when I need something. The thing is, buying a house and having a kid changes everything, it's a huge adjustment. So the things that never seemed that bad or that you never really noticed have now been magnified and blown out of proportion. Were your issues with him all prior to LO or did it really peak after LO was born and maybe during pregnancy?

Talk it out calmly and see what you both can do to make it work, be specific about your needs and wants and communicate them fully. I hope things get better for you soon, I know talking to my doctor has helped me as well with feeling overly down. I know you said his schedule makes it hard to spend time together but even just an hour after LO goes to sleep can make a huge difference, try focusing on each other and not the issues you are having. And like PP said, find time for just you as well, get your hair done or go shopping, it doesn't need to be extravagant but even a little time away will help. Good luck, hugs

OliveMom3 · January 2014

Awww hon. Can I send you a massive "I totally know how you feel" hug? Dh and i go through waves of good times and bad times. It's slowly getting better after each time. We saw a counselor when we bought the house a year and a half ago and it really helped. The counselor was a little too wishy washy for us but we bonded against her, it was kind of funny really. But I think it had a lot to do with just being together for the time it took to go to the therapist.
If your dh is working 60 hours, I bet he's exhausted when he comes home. Might it be worth looking into a part time job so he can cut back his hours a bit? That way you'll see each other more and you will have some time away from LO to recoup?
Just tossing out ideas.

sunshine2929 · January 2014

I cant thank you all enough for your advice. Counselling sounds great but would be hard to fit in the budget right now, ill hold out a bit longer before going that route. I do agree with pp that I haven't asked for his help while being sick, just kinda expected him to offer.probably not a good decision on my part. You'd think after 8 years id accept his non nurturing ways.
A glass of wine sounds heavenly but with EBF and the frequent feedings, I'm so paranoid to have one. Lo is up every 2 hours at night again, going through the 4 month wakeful I think.
I definitely think we need a night out together, i gotta start pumping so we can make that happen!
You ladies are awesome and have made me feel so much better. I dont post a whole lot but I'm always on here and dont know what id do without you all

OliveMom3 · January 2014

If you have the glass of wine while you're nursing, the alcohol will be nearly gone by the time you nurse 2 hours later. I know people have different comfort levels with this but I'm a fine to drive, fine to nurse kinda girl.

I hope you find a solution that works for you hon. Often just saying "I need your help" in a kind, soft tone makes those men of ours realize that they need to go easy on us when we are sleep deprived. I often tap my cheek to get my dh to give me a kiss on the cheek then I whip around and kiss him on the lips. It's takes off the tension and just breaks the ice a bit. Obviously not in the midst of a major fight, but you get the idea.

Skalbrecht · January 2014

Check with your insurance if you are interested in talking to someone - sometimes they will cover a certain number of sessions.

A walk and a little fresh air helps things too sometimes!

elm005 · January 2014

No real advice because we are struggling a bit right now too. I just wanted to say that I feel your pain. It is hard when you really want your DH to be on the same page as you and they just aren't. >:D<

eyris · January 2014

Just wanted to send some *hugs!*

Hang in there. I know how hard it is when you haven't slept in a long time. E didn't sleep more than an hour at a time (on a good stretch) from about 5-8 weeks old and I would be up all night with him cursing DH in my mind. I guess it was easier to be mad at him peacefully sleeping in the other room than getting mad at the baby for being awake.

That's not to downplay your issues, but sleep deprivation and being sick on top of it certainly isn't helpful. I know for me having my mom take the baby for the night while H and I got some alone time really helped keep us connected and feeling like a couple again.

Hope things start to turn around for you soon!

313Meg · January 2014

sunshine2929 said:

I cant thank you all enough for your advice. Counselling sounds great but would be hard to fit in the budget right now, ill hold out a bit longer before going that route. I do agree with pp that I haven't asked for his help while being sick, just kinda expected him to offer.probably not a good decision on my part. You'd think after 8 years id accept his non nurturing ways. A glass of wine sounds heavenly but with EBF and the frequent feedings, I'm so paranoid to have one. Lo is up every 2 hours at night again, going through the 4 month wakeful I think. I definitely think we need a night out together, i gotta start pumping so we can make that happen! You ladies are awesome and have made me feel so much better. I dont post a whole lot but I'm always on here and dont know what id do without you all

You will be fine with a glass of wine.

You deserve it!! I have a frequent eater and have a beer or two a night. (Flame away) Also just a thought, if you guys have a church sometimes there's a counselor on staff who can do free sessions.

CDMay2006 · January 2014

Everyone had given great advice. I just want to offer a moral support and reiterate a few thoughts.
1. A glass of wine is aok with breastfeeding.
2. Marriage or individual counseling could be really helpful to get past the rough patch. Insurance may cover it. One of your employers may also offer a limited number of sessions for no or low cost.
3. Even though our relationship has improved overall, the low/challenging spots are much more so than pre-lo. Dh is truly doing his best and when he is being selfish/etc., it's utterly unintentional. For us, it's important to remind ourselves and each other that each of us really us doing our best.
4. And time us a major challenge for us right now, as dh works full time, is a full time student and gas been taking as much OT as he can to make up form Yloss of income. One thing that has helped us is tocelebrate small, special moments. between the two of us and as a family.
5. Hugs. It's hard, even when it's great.

kirstenviola · January 2014

Temporary unhappiness is no reason to end a marriage. Give it more time, and try counseling. Much better than letting your poor baby end up being from a broken home. Good luck.

HBirdie · January 2014

kirstenviola said:

Temporary unhappiness is no reason to end a marriage. Give it more time, and try counseling. Much better than letting your poor baby end up being from a broken home. Good luck.

Did you really just say this? REALLY?

kirstenviola · January 2014

Are you saying that come from a broken home is a GOOD thing? I doubt anyone is willing to argue that.

sunshine2929 · January 2014

kirstenviola said:
Are you saying that come from a broken home is a GOOD thing? I doubt anyone is willing to argue that.

While I am aware that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, I also can tell you that staying in a marriage because of the kids is a worst idea than ending it. My SO is from a home that had an alcoholic father and a mother who stayed for 10 years to try and make it work. The result? 2 deeply scarred children. My SO still has some issues that stem from that but he has improved vastly since I met him. I also have a sister who are both in very toxic relationships and guess who is suffering- the kids. They would be better off in a so called "broken" home where they wouldn't have to witness the daily fighting, both verbal and physical.
We are nowhere near what I have described and my SO is pretty adamant about not arguing in front of LO because of what he endured growing up. I just wanted to point out to you that your statement is unfair without knowing the situation of that home.
Staying together for the kids is not always the answer.

JocelynB0911 · January 2014

sunshine2929 said:

Are you saying that come from a broken home is a GOOD thing? I doubt anyone is willing to argue that.
While I am aware that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, I also can tell you that staying in a marriage because of the kids is a worst idea than ending it. My SO is from a home that had an alcoholic father and a mother who stayed for 10 years to try and make it work. The result? 2 deeply scarred children. My SO still has some issues that stem from that but he has improved vastly since I met him. I also have a sister who are both in very toxic relationships and guess who is suffering- the kids. They would be better off in a so called "broken" home where they wouldn't have to witness the daily fighting, both verbal and physical. We are nowhere near what I have described and my SO is pretty adamant about not arguing in front of LO because of what he endured growing up. I just wanted to point out to you that your statement is unfair without knowing the situation of that home. Staying together for the kids is not always the answer.

I dont think I said this earlier but **hugs** @sunshine2929. Things will get better. Changes in life, huge changes at that cause friction. Even after having been through this twice DH and I still were overwhelmed and took things out on each other. Lack of sleep, going back to work... anything can set a person off. It does get easier.

barnratash · January 2014

I think pp all gave you great advice. All I can say is that you're not alone. I think most of us have gone through this at some point. My DH and I go through good patches and rough patches. With everything constantly changing it's hard not to. Ask for help when you need it and don't be afraid to talk to YH. Don't forget to take care of you and that we're here too!

noelani42 · January 2014

You are definitely not alone...we have good days and awful days right now...I also often wonder if we'd be better off if we split...take it one day at a time...what helps me is to write out all my frustrations to him-for some reason he absorbs it better that way

kennazebrowsky · January 2014

kirstenviola said:
Are you saying that come from a broken home is a GOOD thing? I doubt anyone is willing to argue that.

My older two kids come from a broken home but I figured that having a broken face was more important than saving a relationship so I ended it

jlp0528 · January 2014

@sunshine2929 I'm sorry you are going through a hard time in your marriage. I think all marriages go through ebbs and flows where there is good and bad, times you can't imagine being happier and times you can't imagine what the hell you're doing with the person. It's tough having a baby, with your added stresses, it's down right exhausting (going through it too, I know). No matter what you decide and how things go, just know we love you and are here for you.

Like pp said, a good place to start is checking with insurance if they cover some visits for counseling. I used to work for a major blue cross and blue shield company and when I did most companies covered some visits but it had to be billed as family therapy, not marital therapy. Not that yours is like that but just in case!!

Big hugs and positive vibes, mama!

SarahE22nd · January 2014

Lots of good advice here. Someone once said that the first year of both their kids lives was the worst for their marriage. I completely agree. Its so hard, but it does gets better!

imakeeff0rts · January 2014

kirstenviola said:
Temporary unhappiness is no reason to end a marriage. Give it more time, and try counseling. Much better than letting your poor baby end up being from a broken home. Good luck.

And here comes the bitch patrol hurling thinly veiled insults.

I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time. I truly hoe that things get better for you.

PrettyInPearls23 · January 2014

kirstenviola said:

Are you saying that come from a broken home is a GOOD thing? I doubt anyone is willing to argue that.

A big ole eff-you and the horse you rode in on.

My first son is from my prior marriage and in NO WAY is he from a so-called broken home. My divorce was the best thing to happen to both of us. He has two parents who love him dearly but also are HAPPY in their new lives; I'm remarried and my XH is engaged to be married. I'd much rather my son see what a healthy relationship is like (me and DH) vs. an unhappy, unhealthly, loveless marriage (me and XH).

PrettyInPearls23 · January 2014

OP -- I'm very sorry you're going through this. I strongly recommend seeing a counselor; if he doesn't want to go as a couple, please still go on your own. I hate the stigma that's attached to seeking therapy but it really is a life-changer.

Also, check out the book "Babyprooing Your Marriage" and "5 Languages of Love".

rachelstauf · January 2014

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Having a baby definitely makes things hard. PPs have given great advice (with one obvious exclusion). I hope things get better for you soon!

AnjaO · January 2014

I'm sorry you're going through this. You're definitely not alone! DH and I went through a very dark time when DS was a baby. We went through a lot of changes that first year, which was a horrible idea, but DH had a lot of anxiety issues about his job, etc. We did end up in counseling - we were able to find a counselor that had a sliding scale but was pay what you feel like you can (we paid less than the suggested amount for our income because otherwise it would have been prohibitively expensive), and we were able to bring DS. It helped a lot, but I think what helped most was DH getting individual counseling (and also adjusting his medication). I would have gone, too, if I'd had an opportunity. You might be able to find a counselor who works similarly, if your insurance doesn't cover it or your copay is too much. I think some churches might also offer free or low-cost counseling. That was our backup plan, but we were worried our church wouldn't be a neutral party.

munchkinsmama · January 2014

Lots of hugs your way. DH and I bought a house right before we had DS as well. With so many changes we began to neglect our relationship and started having stupid fights. One night we were both being particularly snarky and I started bawling. DH immediately freaked out and asked WTF was wrong with me. In my mind our relationship was falling apart, he regretted buying a house and having to provide for me and DS and felt I was a terrible SAHM. In reality none of this was true, he was happy he could provide for me and DS, he didn't know how to help and felt he would get in the way if he tried, and he was worried I thought he was a terrible father. From that point on we decided to take 30 min once a week and talk about what we were stressed about, what we needed the other person to help us with and one thing we really appreciated that the other person had done. It has helped us so much and made us both more confident parents. Hopefully things will start getting better for you soon.

leahaustin · January 2014

I am sorry you are going through this. DH and I have definitely had changes (good and bad) in our relationship since our DD was born but it sounds like you are going through something more drastic. Sending T&Ps your way.

PumpkinMommaaa · January 2014

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Are you planning on going back to work? I know that once I went back and DH had to do things with LO on his own his whole attitude changed.

After that he appreciated me a lot more and understood that I need rest sometimes too. And once we got into a routine things got much better because I wasn't sitting in the house alone with LO, bored and pissed off.

I do hope things get better thoughts and prayers coming your way love

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