Does this get worse before it gets better?

kflynn81 · January 2014

Not that I expected to feel like rainbows and sunshine three weeks later, but I kinda thought my grief would be most difficult at first and slowly start to get better. I'm kinda scared because I feel like every passing day I'm more and more sad. People keep saying in time these wounds will heal but I feel like I'm moving in the opposite direction. Anyone else get hit with grief later than expected? I'm just hoping maybe its normal and I'm not going crazy. We found a grief counselor I do intend to talk to her about this too but just wondering in the meantime. TIA

PerkyErky · January 2014

***siggy warning***

I think what your feeling is completely normal. I found that the first few weeks were easier than right after that. Those first few weeks you are just in shock and going through the motions. As the shock and numbness start to wear off the grief can hit hard. You are 3 weeks out so the shock is lifting and that is why it feels so much harder.

As hard as it is to believe the pain never goes away, but it becomes less all consuming. Eventually you'll find you have days where you do smile and have a moment not filled with grief and those moments will slowly start to get longer and more frequent. Again the pain never goes away, but it gets more bearable. Your loss is so fresh and the pain and grief front and center. You're normal and so are your feelings. Many people say take it a day at a time, for me I had to take it minutes at a time in the beginning.

I hope your counselor is able to also help and reassure you that what you are feeling is normal.

Hugs.

angelsnight · January 2014

Ticker warning

Grief isn't a linear process...you can feel pretty good, and then come crashing down later, or you can go back and forth. For me it did get harder as the shock wore off. The first week or two I was running on adrenalin and even though I knew what was going on, it didn't sink in for a little while.

Plus in the very beginning you're busy with coming home from the hospital, funeral arrangements, support from friends and family...but after a few weeks, that tends to die down, people go back to their lives. I clearly remember thinking after the funeral, what now? Mh was home with me for two weeks and then had to go back to work, and that was extremely hard on me at first. Then four weeks later I went back to work and it was like my grieving started all over because it was so hard for me to be at work. It does get better, but being all over the map is very normal at first, and even forever. I'm 9 months out from my loss and I still sometimes just breakdown out of the blue and it hurts just as much as the day it happened. I've heard this also happens even when it's been years and years.

You don't get over grief, you just find ways to cope and more forward. Big hugs to you.

jbranden12 · January 2014

((hugs)) What you're experiencing is totally common. In fact, the "in time these wounds will heal" comments from people can be a part of the problem. As time goes by, more and more people will expect you to be back to normal and it can be very isolating. That's what we are here for . Eventually, yes, the good days will far outnumber the bad. However, the pain never goes away because every year that passes and every new experience brings more should've beens.

Xath · January 2014

*siggy warning*

I think that's completely normal. To echo what others have said, I don't think that the grief ever goes away, you just learn to incorporate it into your life and it gradually consumes you less but is always present. I felt like I went through a restructuring after my daughter died. My husband and I acknowledge to each other that we aren't the same people that we were before; her loss has changed us, but we work to make that change as much for the better as we can, to add more meaning to her life.

A year out and I still have days where I feel like a useless human being, but the days are farther apart. I think you're on the right track with seeing a counselor. That was incredibly helpful for me.

bunnybun4 · January 2014

what you really need to remember is you are only 3 weeks out (and by your siggy you are stll a few days shy of 3 weeks)...that is NO TIME at all!!!

I remember being in your shoes and thinking that sooooo much time had passed and I just wanted everything to be ok and normal again...looking back I really wished I had just let myself grieve and had given myself a little more patience.

I found that for a long time every single day was really hard...but I could (for the most part) as each week passed I could see just the smallest amount of progress.

As pp's have said the pain never goes away...but I also want to say I feel like I am in a really good place a year later. I miss her and I grieve and I have terrible days, but for the most part I am OK and in a good place.

please be gentle with yourself. we are all here for you. ((HUGS))

kz's_girlygirl · January 2014

Please be gentle on yourself- I am 3 months away from my loss and have awful days. It's kind of like doing a hill climb on a treadmill, for me. Always climbing with a little leveling out here and there, but ultimately, just trying to get through the next minute.

I don't expect the pain to go away, and to be honest, I don't want it to. I am in a place where things don't knock the wind out of me as easily though.

After the first week, things got worse for me because DH was working and my mom went home. We live out if state and have no friends here, so I was literally by myself and I went a little crazy for a while there. Do what you need to do to get through the days

AJCagle82 · January 2014

That is totally normal. The grief will get worse, then better, then worse, then better. There will be times when you think everything is OK, and out of nowhere something will trigger your grief. It is all part of the loss. I know that isn't the most comforting thing, but we've all been there and most of us are still there. Try to give yourself a break and don't deny what you are feeling. It doesn't help to bottle it up.

I just hit my 4 month mark this past week. There are days I feel completely fine, and then, out of nowhere, I'm crying and can't get control of myself. I know people say that time will heal the wound, but I don't know how true that is. Time will help you learn to deal with the loss, but there is always going to be a wound. I don't know how that could ever completely heal. I think the amount of pain we feel is proportionate to the amount of love we have for our LOs. When you love someone that much, nothing can take the pain away of losing him.

I hope that in the coming days, weeks, months, and years, you will feel the grief ease and it will be easier to deal with. Please, please, please be kind and patient with yourself. This is a lifelong process. We are all here for you!

shandorfml2 · January 2014

Just popping in to say I agree with all PPs. ((hugs))

VyD81 · January 2014

Hugs. The pain does get easier to manage. I still have many bad days, but those days are less frequent than the beginning. I hope grief counseling will help you cope.

stefuge · January 2014

Please give yourself some grace. This is one of the worst experiences any mother should have to go through. There is no set way to do this. It is just day to day, moment by moment survival. I am four and a half months out from our loss, and most days I feel okay. Not great, but okay. But I still have plenty of really awful days. My grief has been up and down. the first few days it was horrible and I cried all the time, but it was also shocking and a little bit numbing. A week or so post loss, i started to feel okay, Once that wore off, after a few weeks, it got worse. And then just when I thought I was dealing with everything okay, it got even worse. My lowest point was probably a month to 6 weeks post loss. Since then it has gotten better. Ironically, it was less painful for me a couple weeks post loss than it is now, but this is about where I have stayed for a few months now. Also realize that any sort of anniversary, or holiday, or celebration is most likely going to be hard and those days have all put me in a bit of a slump for a few days surrounding the event. This is a hard road. ((Hugs))

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Does this get worse before it gets better?

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