Another (maybe flame-worthy) shower question?

ErikaLynn75 · January 2014

Ok... I think this is totally flameworthy, so I'm going to go ahead and ask it today, because it's not as bad as the second shower lady earlier.

DH and I live 5-6 hours away from both of our families (families are an hour apart). When we got married, 2 years ago, my MIL threw a bridal shower for me, and I asked her to invite people from my family as well because I didn't want to make the trip again for 2 separate showers. I felt bad asking her to include my family (even though it was just 4 extra people) but she didn't mind and it all went fine.

So now that I'm pregnant, I sort of expected that my mom would "return the favor" and throw me a shower and invite DH's side (because again, I'd rather not have to make the drive for 2 separate showers.) But when we were home for Christmas, my parents told us they had just decided to buy a new house (kind of spur of the moment, I guess it was their dream home/property). So now my mom is really busy with moving, and getting their current house ready to put on the market, and I think throwing me a shower is the last thing on her mind. So there has been no mention of a shower from any family so far.

Now, I know it's wrong to ask someone to throw you a shower, and honestly I'm the type that doesn't like to be the center of attention, so I'd be fine with not having a shower (although I think MIL would be disappointed, since she's really excited to be a grandma). My fear is that if my mom doesn't do it, my MIL will feel obligated to throw a shower again, and that she might be annoyed by that since she did my bridal shower. And I would just be so much more comfortable having a shower at my parent's house instead of a repeat of my bridal shower (which was lovely, but I was just uncomfortable since it was mostly DH's family and I just felt "on display").

What would you do? Should I just forget it and hope nobody cares? Should I find a way to gently remind my mom that maybe it's "her turn" this time? Do I need a reality check? I'm ready. I can take it.

CamrynnsMommy · January 2014

Wait, is this your first child?

ErikaLynn75 · January 2014

Yes! First child!

pandadair · January 2014

My answer is probably flame-worthy, as well, but I would just straight up ask my mom. I guess it depends on your relationship. Nothing gets on my nerves more than balancing two families and no one wanting to step on the others' toes and no one just coming out and making a decision. So, if you're really wondering, just ask her flat out. I don't think that's any more awkward than wondering whether she's going to do it or not, your MIL wondering if she should throw one, and then possibly worrying about resentment/hurt feelings on either side.

ETA: Do you think she would normally be all about it, but just got side-tracked around the holidays? I say I'd just ask, because I know my mom would want to do one. If it's not your mom's thing, then I might let it go.

lovelylauren86 · January 2014

Do you have any siblings?

ebox322 · January 2014

You've still got time, I'm sure it will come up and you won't have to worry. I wouldn't bring it up though, I just can't think of a good way to be like "so what about my shower?" ya know? Even if your MIL ends up being the one to throw the shower, it's her grandchild too and you are her daughter in law. I don't think she should be annoyed, especially if your mom is in the middle of a move/unpacking

Luckyu317 · January 2014

This is tough. Maybe you could ''feel your mom out'' and say casually that DH's mom/family (or your friends?) had asked if there were any shower plans in the works on your mom's side and see how she responds. Not trying to give bad advice, I'm just not sure how else to bring it up without sounding like you're assuming they're throwing you a shower, KWIM?

MrsT2008 · January 2014

How is your relationship with your mom? My mom and I are close and I would flat out ask her if she was planning on hosting something.

pandadair · January 2014

ebox322 said:

You've still got time, I'm sure it will come up and you won't have to worry. I wouldn't bring it up though, I just can't think of a good way to be like "so what about my shower?" ya know? Even if your MIL ends up being the one to throw the shower, it's her grandchild too and you are her daughter in law. I don't think she should be annoyed, especially if your mom is in the middle of a move/unpacking

You're right that I doubt she'd be annoyed, per se, but I would find it odd if I spent the time and money to throw my DIL both a bridal and baby shower and her family did neither. Most of us have 4 months until we're due. If a family member were inclined to throw a shower for their daughter's first child, I imagine they could fit it in despite moving and unpacking.

I think my annoyance at dealing with other sides of the family in planning my sister's wedding stuff is leaking out.

ErikaLynn75 · January 2014

pandadair said:

My answer is probably flame-worthy, as well, but I would just straight up ask my mom. I guess it depends on your relationship. Nothing gets on my nerves more than balancing two families and no one wanting to step on the others' toes and no one just coming out and making a decision. So, if you're really wondering, just ask her flat out. I don't think that's any more awkward than wondering whether she's going to do it or not, your MIL wondering if she should throw one, and then possibly worrying about resentment/hurt feelings on either side.

ETA: Do you think she would normally be all about it, but just got side-tracked around the holidays? I say I'd just ask, because I know my mom would want to do one. If it's not your mom's thing, then I might let it go.

My mom and I are close, so I think you're right that it would be less awkward to ask than to have everyone wondering. I really don't know whether it's "her thing" because she's never thrown a shower for anyone. This is her first grandchild, and I'm the only one of my siblings to get married yet. She really didn't even help plan my wedding (mostly because of the distance). So I don't think she would mind throwing a shower, but I really think she hasn't thought of it on her own.

MIL, on the other hand, has lots of nieces, and has thrown several showers. So she probably has thought of it by now. And the fact that she hasn't offered makes me think she might be waiting to see what my mom does.

ErikaLynn75 · January 2014

lovelylauren86 said:

Do you have any siblings?

Yes (one brother, 2 sisters), but my sisters are still in college, one of them lives much farther away, and the one that lives close to my mom would probably help with a shower, but is not in a position to throw one herself.

CamrynnsMommy · January 2014

ErikaLynn75 said:

pandadair said:

My answer is probably flame-worthy, as well, but I would just straight up ask my mom. I guess it depends on your relationship. Nothing gets on my nerves more than balancing two families and no one wanting to step on the others' toes and no one just coming out and making a decision. So, if you're really wondering, just ask her flat out. I don't think that's any more awkward than wondering whether she's going to do it or not, your MIL wondering if she should throw one, and then possibly worrying about resentment/hurt feelings on either side.

ETA: Do you think she would normally be all about it, but just got side-tracked around the holidays? I say I'd just ask, because I know my mom would want to do one. If it's not your mom's thing, then I might let it go.

My mom and I are close, so I think you're right that it would be less awkward to ask than to have everyone wondering. I really don't know whether it's "her thing" because she's never thrown a shower for anyone. This is her first grandchild, and I'm the only one of my siblings to get married yet. She really didn't even help plan my wedding (mostly because of the distance). So I don't think she would mind throwing a shower, but I really think she hasn't thought of it on her own.

MIL, on the other hand, has lots of nieces, and has thrown several showers. So she probably has thought of it by now. And the fact that she hasn't offered makes me think she might be waiting to see what my mom does.

I completely agree with @pandadair, maybe she got sidetracked with the move/holidays, maybe she isn't aware of the etiquette, timing, etc., so to speak. I'd just flat out ask.

ErikaLynn75 · January 2014

Here's what I think will happen if I do nothing:

MIL will eventually decide that she needs to throw it herself. I won't ask her to invite my side of the family, because I will already feel bad that she's throwing it at all. It will be lovely.

I will mention it to my mom, and then she'll think to herself "oh, maybe I should have done that" and then she'll realize she should throw a shower for my side (or there's a possibility one of my aunts would offer). But if it's just my side of the family, there will only be maybe 10 people. Which is fine, except that I'll be driving 6 hours in order to go, and by the time all this goes down I'll probably be like 36 weeks. Maybe that's selfish of me, but I really don't want to do that. I'd rather have just one shower, and I'd rather have it as early as possible just to avoid the uncomfortable car ride.

Maybe I could call my sister and be like "Hey, you should plan a shower for me. Just get mom to help you." She probably won't even know that this is poor etiquette.

Miles2Go · January 2014

I only skimmed the responses, but here's what I would do.

Next time you talk to your mom, start taking about all the baby gear you're looking at. Tell her how you've researched this and that and have bought the crib, etc, etc. At this point, if she intends to throw you a shower, she'll say something like "woah! Save something for the shower!" And then you can say "Oh is there a shower? No one has mentioned one. When is it?" And so on. If she doesn't say anything, you can still come right out and ask, but at least you'll have created the perfect opening first.

Tkhixen · January 2014

If it was me and my family, I would talk to my mom. If she expressed to me that she wanted to throw a shower, but she just didn't think she could do it at her house, I would have her reach out to my MIL. Maybe MIL hosts at her house, but mom organizes it...they can do it together?

Empireceo · January 2014

Miles2Go said:

I only skimmed the responses, but here's what I would do. Next time you talk to your mom, start taking about all the baby gear you're looking at. Tell her how you've researched this and that and have bought the crib, etc, etc. At this point, if she intends to throw you a shower, she'll say something like "woah! Save something for the shower!" And then you can say "Oh is there a shower? No one has mentioned one. When is it?" And so on. If she doesn't say anything, you can still come right out and ask, but at least you'll have created the perfect opening first.

This. Even if you're close to your mom, I wouldn't flat out ask her. Your MIL will throw one if she wants, no one is making her, so I wouldn't feel bad about accepting if that's what you want to do. As for your side of the family, the people closest to you will give you gifts whether there's a party or not.

Katemr1146 · January 2014

Ugh. That sucks. I feel like this is me now too!!

I posted earlier this week with my own shower drama ( Mom & MIL & aunt wanted to throw showers and mom was butt hurt over guest list/size, etc.)

Couple days ago my mom called and said she and my SIL decided to "let" my MIL throw the shower because the two of them don't like my mom's side of the family, and why would they throw a party just to have to sit around and talk to them. Okay...whatevs bitches - fine with me.
THEN my mom says she will send my MIL her family's addresses....wait what?!?! You're expecting my MIL to invite these people to the shower she's throwing? How rude!!! I was so taken aback and didn't want to get into a fight with her in the middle of the grocery store. I think I mumbled something about waiting to see if MIL asks for a guest list. Mom didn't take the hint.

Just like you, my MIL hosted my only bridal shower and graciously invited my family too. Now I feel like my mom is completely taking advantage again!

If I were you I would find a gracious way to nudge your mom and suggest that it's her turn. BUT I'm basically in the same situation and I'm too chicken shit to tell my own mom how incredibly rude and childish (and selfish) she's being.

Best of luck!

mmks · January 2014

Ok, here's my 2 cents...I have a few options for you:
#1 - Ask your mom if she intends to throw you a shower. She's your MOM! I would with mine, but that's just us.
#2 - See if your mom and MIL would want to plan the shower together. Maybe your MIL could host, since your mom will be mid-move. Then your mom and anyone else could help (cake, food, invites, games, favors, etc).
#3 - Your mom could host a meet the baby shower after your baby is born. That way she might be over the move stress and can focus on her grandchild. Only problem with this one is that I'd want the big things before the baby came.

cchild101010 · January 2014

MrsT2008 said:
How is your relationship with your mom? My mom and I are close and I would flat out ask her if she was planning on hosting something.

This. I feel like my mom and I are close enough and honest enough with each other that I would just ask directly (if she is later offended blame hormones) . Good luck

pandadair · January 2014

I think the clincher here is that you have to drive 6 hours. We are in the same situation, albeit a 4 hr drive vs 6. I totally get not wanting to make that round-trip drive twice, especially almost back-to-back. Just ask. For reals. You're hypothetical scenarios sound like exactly what my husband and I deal with every time we try to arrange this kind of stuff. I think the situation and options (like a meet-and-greet after the baby arrives) would be different if you didn't have that extra element.

ETA: My mom and sister are hosting, but mom has contacted MIL to say she loves her party planning ideas and would welcome anything she's got, as well as wants her guest list there as well. So joint shower for us.

cbrust · January 2014

I would just ask, honestly to me I throw etiquette out the window when it's my mom. My MIL has never thrown any type of shower and she offered to host mine at her home. I live 10hrs away (or 2hr plane) and I'm only coming home for one shower. I called my mom and told her she needs to get ahold of MIL and help her out. Etiquette Shmettiqute, it's my mom.

spinsoffresonance · January 2014

I might get flamed for this, but here's the passive-aggressive option. Tell your mom your MIL wants to know whether she (your mom) is throwing you a shower or whether she (MIL) should plan one. (I realize your Mil hasn't offered yet but your mom doesn't know that) .

baby3ob · January 2014

I would just ask my mom too if she had plans to throw one. Maybe she got sidetracked and doesn't realize you have to plan for this stuff earlier than you think?

ErikaLynn75 · January 2014

Ok thanks for all the advice, ladies! I'm going to call my mom tomorrow and try to find a way to bring it up. And then I'll call my sister and ask her to help out with some of the leg-work. I feel a lot better about it knowing that you all don't think I'm being a total brat for worrying about it!

deanna1313 · January 2014

I would have asked my Mom. Since it's your Mom it's not rude. You can also ask your sister if she has heard of any shower plans. If so, great! If not, then I'm sure she will relay the message to your mom that you were asking.

As far as you MIL goes, I don't think you should have to ask her to invite your family or just expect them not to come. I can't imagine my family NOT inviting the my MIL or vice versa. Maybe we are weird, but it is assumed that we do one shower all together.

chellee1075 · January 2014

I would just flat out ask her. You said she's never thrown one before and maybe doesn't know the time frame of for when to have one for you. Where as since you mil has thrown them before does.

OR you could just throw one for yourself and not worry about who is going to throw you one and won't have to worry if one side of the family will invite the other side.

Unknown · January 2014

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