Inlaw issues

benson16 · January 2014

I don't post a lot but I am a big lurker. I am pregnant with my 2nd child and am looking for some feedback. I have a really long backstory with my ILS that dates back to 8 years ago when my husband and I got married. Everything has been amplified by having kids as I feared it would. Just to give some idea of our relationship, there really isn't any "fighting" with them. Just a lot of passive aggressive behavior on my MILs part. Extremely controlling, my way or the highway type of woman. My husband is the oldest and the favorite child. She doesn't really get along with her own daughter. My FIL is very sweet and easy to get along with. When we were first married most of the issues my husband and I argued over had to do with the frequency of our visits with them. They live about 4 hours away so when we saw them, which was usually at least once a month at my MILs insistence, it was for an entire weekend. They would come Friday morning while my husband was at work and leave very late Sunday night. I felt like this was very intrusive. My husband works very long hours and weekends were our only alone time together. When you add in spending time with friends and the occasional monthly visit/dinner with my family ( 40 min away) I just felt this was too much. I didn't tell my husband how much I disliked his mother at this point just let him know I felt like it was overkill. I'm not sure if my feelings would have been different if my motherinlaw wasn't so difficult. I don't think seeing someone's family once a month is too much but mainly because it was the whole weekend. We really had a lot of nasty blowout fights over the years about them. My husband isn't scared to stand up to his parents at all but I didn't want him to call his mother out on her behaviors mainly because I knew it would make the situation worse. I didn't really want to deal with it like that. I just thought if we put our boundaries in place and saw them less there wouldn't really have to be "fighting" . I just figured I couldn't change a malicious 60 yr old lady and as long as we worked it out together she didn't need to know I didn't like her and create more tension. Fast forward to my first child being born, they drove out immediately and waited in the private waiting room ( have no idea how they got in) and listened to me give birth with their ears up against the door. Busted into my room afterwards and literally sat with us all day. Then the next day came and they sat with us from 9am to 9pm. Brought their laptops in and all their meals and it was so awful. I hate myself for not asking them to leave. I always put myself in other peoples shoes. I remember thinking, they just want to see their first grand baby. I never want to be a "bitch". My mil asked to come stay with us and "help" after the baby was born I don't know why but somehow felt like i owed this to her or felt like I was supposed to do this. It was the worst week of my life. She didn't speak to me, told My husband And my own mother all the things I was doing wrong and just made me feel awful in my own home. She went out to eat without me and didn't bring me anything home and really didn't clean or help me. It was awkward and from this moment I haven't had much of a relationship with her. I do realize that this was my fault by allowing this to happen. My child is 2 now and she acts like grandmother of the year and her and my father inlaw act very entitled to my child. She is constantly in a competition with me or my mother trying to make my child like her more. It is very odd. Obviously I realize this woman has issues but I can't ever bring myself to buck up and just tell her to back off. I am about to have my second child and dream about how I can keep them away. I had pretty severe post partum depression after my first child was born. I see a therapist and she believes that my MIL is a huge trigger for my anxiety and I should try to assert myself more. I just hate the whole idea of confrontation. I know most people would think what is the big deal, stop being a pushover. I just hate the position I would out my husband in and just everybody. I try to put myself in his shoes. At the end of the day it's his mother. I would hate if he fought with mine. I also want my daughter to have relationships with her grandparents but I feel they are totally innapproriate in their expectations with her ( another long story) . I guess I'm curious how you deal with visitors after birth and things. It seems like so many people enjoy their families being around after. I'm thinking maybe it's me with a problem. Also, how often do you see your out of town inlaw and what are their roles with your children? I can't stop being angry at them for putting me in this position in the first place. Part of me is always pissed at them for not seeing how intrusive they are, they have no concept of giving people space and letting their children live their own lives. I realize that I continued to let it happen so I probably F'd myself already.

benson16 · January 2014

Sorry now paragraphs, I guess the iPad doesn't use them

FemShep · January 2014

You need to set boundaries, immediately, and they have nothing to do with your feelings about your MIL. Talk to your H. Tell him you were overwhelmed by visitors when you had your child last time. Ask that no one stay longer than 30 mins in the hospital, and that people only visit during certain hours. Tell him that having so many houseguests was too difficult. You're entitled to your feelings, but unless you stand up for yourself and communicate what you want and need, no one can help you.

CurlieWhirlie · January 2014

I don't think it's unreasonable at all to ask for privacy/family time in the hospital and at home for the first few months. You need just as much care and attention during this time as the new baby, don't forget! My exMIL is a very nice lady but when she came to stay with us two weeks after DS was born, it was absolute torture and I basically hid in my bedroom the entire time until she and exFIL left. They weren't helpful, they didn't cook or clean or do anything, they just acted like houseguests who expected to be entertained. Awful. And I never got over it, I'm still angry about it to this day, and I'm not even married to their son anymore!

So do yourself a favor — stop putting this woman's feelings above your own, and take care of yourself.

JesseKhloe&Me · January 2014

My MIL is similar, but without a sweet husband to balance her out. She is way to involved. I finally told DH on the 3rd day after DD was born when she just showed up without calling (3rd day in a row) & walked in the room I was trying to breast feed in without knocking. It was the best thing I ever did & she didn't take it well, but it was the space I needed to heal & bond with my little family in peace. Once I stood my ground, it became easier to speak up in later instances. Speak up to DH ASAP. Good Luck.

mysticl · January 2014

My MIL (DH's father died before we met) and my parents live much farther away from us than your inlaws live from you so I can't really compare the frequency of those visits. However, when I was a child my grandparents lived about 4 hours away and we saw them 5 maybe 6 times a year. Visits were Christmas, Easter, sometime in May/June, sometime in July, Labor Day, and maybe Thanksgiving. A full weekend every month seems like a lot to me.

hbrooks88974 · January 2014

I agree, a full weekend per month is too much. My inlaws live about four hours away and we only visit them holidays and during the summer a few times. Good luck with everything. I am in a similar situation but with my first child. I have a MIL who calls me twice a day asking how I am doing and insists on being IN the delivery room when LO is born as well as inviting guests to the hospital and to my home after we are discharged. It's a whole situation that would take me too long to type out on here but I feel like a pushover as well. I think standing up for yourself is SO important but who am I to say that when I can't do it myself?

Hope everything works out!

desertmouse39 · January 2014

I have had many of the same frustrations with my MIL. My husband "sees" my side of things, but says he can't set limits with his parents because they are "entitled" to be grandparents and should be able to visit as often as they are able to. In our situation, we simply have family visit too much, and stay too long. My MIL also tends to make disparaging remarks about me to our toddler in front of me, or says things like, "You can tell grandma all your secrets and we dont' have to tell mommy". Our house is tiny, and we are always on top of each other. They refuse to plan or ask when a good time would be for a visit, but text my husband and let him know when they will arrive and how long they will stay. I have been told 3 times now that "no one feels welcome in our home" because I won't keep an open door policy for family, but you know what? People are not welcome to intrude just because they are family, that goes for my parents, too. I am someone who needs space and there is always extra work and stress when you have guests, even family..

THere are several other ways in which I feel they are disrespectful of me, my home and my decisions but suffice it to say, I UNDERSTAND YOUR FRUSTRATION. I will likely be posting about it here when our 2nd LO arrives this spring, but all I can advise is that you have to stand your ground and do what's best for you and your kids. Your ILs had their family and raised their children in the way they saw fit and this is your family and your home and your kids now. Talk to your husband about supporting you and getting on the same page about what you want for your home and family. Good luck. It's been a real point of struggle in my marriage.

jessib10 · January 2014

My husband and I currently live with his mom (my mil). Needless to say, when we bring the baby home she'll be here 24\7. We've lived this way for several years now, and so we have a working dynamic. The oddest thing happened last night at the dinner table though... She asked if her being here when we bring home or baby would bother us, and asked if she should stay somewhere else for a bit. Because we have a dynamic established already and we can openly communicate or annoyances it makes no sense for her to not be here. If you need the time alone it's important to discuss it with your husband and have him help set boundaries and expectations so that none feels taken advantage of.

benson16 · January 2014

Thank you so much for all your responses. I feel like even though my husbands respects my feelings and says he will do his best in keeping them at a distance while is heal and establish a routine I know that he doesn't necessarily agree with me. He wants his family around ( not as much as they would like to be around) to share in all he happiness. It just is never happy for me when they are present. My biggest thing is that I don't want my husband to resent me in the end for keeping his family away. Not even just for the birth of our children but always telling them on every few weeks when they ask to come.

benson16 · January 2014

Ugh so many typos...... Meant always telling them no when they ask to come.

SparkySharky · January 2014

You should stop spending so much time in everyone else's shoes. Their shoes, their responsibility; your shoes, your responsibility. They seem to be getting along just fine w or wo your help and they don't seem to be inclined to step into your shoes at all.

I see my inlaws about once a month and they live an hour away. I'd be happy to see them more often it involved babysitting. If it were me, I'd look forward to their monthly visits as an opportunity to take off for the day. As for their disparaging remarks, it's an opportunity to role model for your kids how to respond to bullies. A polite smile and non defensive comment (to each her own) helps kids to see that everyone always has an opinion whether right or wrong. But you can't do any of this if you're always trying to see things from their point of view. And if you're not presenting your point of view, then your kids will only see your inlaws pov.

A random piece of advice: if you're ever at a loss about how to stick up for yourself, just give a polite smile and leave the room. With the kids if they're there. That doesn't cover every situation, but no response, i.e., not engaging them, serves many purposes and always sends the right message.

beckylynn23 · January 2014

My parents live a couple of hours away and I have been telling them for months that no one is allowed in the delivery room (except my hubby), and that I want some time with my hubby and baby once I do give birth. My mom understands (their plan is to come down when we call them, but stay at our house until we call them to the hospital), but it's my own dad that I feel is going to be the problem. I'm lucky enough that my in-laws are understanding and know their boundaries. If I have a feeling that anyone is going to take advantage of being a grandparent, we just won't call them until we're ready to have visitors.

Gamera3000 · January 2014

My mom is seriously mentally ill and obviously that stresses me out a lot. Over the years I've learned that when she's getting to be too much I just stop talking to her and reading her emails.

You can stand up for yourself without confronting anyone, which may be what's getting in your way. Just don't deal with it. Your husband can be responsible for telling her she's being pushy or rude.

Disneygeek77 · January 2014

I too hate confrontation ( most people do), however sometimes it is necessary and part of growing up. I have had to confront my parents, my DH has had to confront his parents, they were disappointed, but the world kept on spinning. They got over it.

I feel of all the times in your life when it is ok to be " selfish" or look out for your best interests, this is one of them. Make yourself and your own little family a priority.

Also don't be afraid of of your husband resenting you. For all you know, he won't. Please learn the hard lessons from last time and do what is best for you and your baby now.

clo1982 · January 2014

I understand not being eager about confrontation but I think another poster said it very well...stop worrying about what it's like in other people's shoes. I say it on my BMB all the time. People can only push you or manipulate you as much as you allow. I know the conversations aren't fun, per se, but at this point your MIL probably just sees you as kind of a pushover or a doormat. She has historically done whatever the hel* she wants and gotten away with it because you are a nice person; so basically why stop? Not a normal way of thinking..but not all people are normal! If you want people to leave the room/hospital after birth, let them visit for however long you deem appropriate, then just smile and say 'ok visiting hours are over, it's time for me and DH to have some time with our baby.' or 'hey guys I need to rest, we will see you tomorrow.' If they argue, stay in YOUR SHOES and stand your ground. It's not the time to worry about other people's feelings. And honestly if she whines or guilt trips you, just throw it right back. Same goes for if they want to come in for a weekend. Say you are glad they want to be so involved in your child's life, but a full weekend just isn't going to work this time. You sound really really sweet, and honestly she just kind of sounds like a pushy person so ultimately you just need to put on your big girl pants and stand up for yourself..let out the mama bear!!! If she wants to be grandma of the year, she won't completely detatch herself from your children's lives. I don't think you can be angry at them for being intrusive until YOU and DH sit down and have the conversation with them about your expectations.

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