Not WM related: 4 year old not saying hello, goodbye or thank you

jetgrrrl · January 2014

This is an XP from preschoolers: My 4-year old has decided he no longer wants to say "hello" "goodbye" or "thank you" to people who come over. Most recently it was yesterday, when my mother in law was taking care of him while he was home sick. He wouldn't give her a hug, say goodbye or say thank you when she was leaving. But it's par for the course for him. It's really disturbing to my DH and I because we've really worked hard on the kids' manners and I just don't want him to be a rude kid. At the same time, our cajoling of him eventually becomes uncomfortable for the person we're trying to get him to recognize! Has anyone else successfully dealt with this in a preschooler? It used to be no problem and our 2-year old loves hello and "bye bye" and says thank you all the time. It really bums me out.

oughtonk · January 2014

DS went through a phase like this when he was 4 too, it was off and on for awhile and a week here and there. He was very polite but one day he just lost it all and refused to do it. Instead of pushing him in front of people I talked to him directly about it when it was just him and I. I explained why it was important each time, sometimes he'd do okay for a few days and others he'd revert back. Then one day he just snapped out of it and I haven't had the problem since; now he will actually remind people if they don't use their manners. Good luck!

ss+el · January 2014

Does he go TO preschool, or is that just his age? DS learned pretty good manners from an early age but has gone through phases where he is just off of pleasantries. I think mine was just getting self-conscious about it. Now that he's in PreK, his teacher greets every child at the door and they do not get in until they shake her hand and tell her "good afternoon", and he's better with his manners again. As long as he isn't outright rude, so far I'm letting it go, though sometimes I will have little talks with him later such as how good we all feel when we're nice to each other.

jetgrrrl · January 2014

Yep, he does go TO preschool (full time) - I'm not sure how much manners are emphasized there. Our former nanny was a total stickler (hence we became sticklers too) so part of me feels like I'm letting her down with this - lol! Maybe I do just need to spend time talking to him about it.

jf198400 · January 2014

I wouldn't worry it's probably just a phase. I know with my DD (3.5) she doesn't like to talk to people first thing in the morning at daycare. She won't say hello or answer any questions. But once she is there for 15mins, she is totally fine. She just needs a little time to warm up. If she's tired or cranky at home, she gets the same way. If your DS wasn't feeling well, that could also be a factor. As long as he does converse with other people, I wouldn't be worried.

suburbanstepmom · January 2014

My SS is 5 y/o and does this SAME THING. It drives DH crazy, but what drove ME even more crazy was the way DH would essentially scold SS in front of whomever he wasn't saying hello or goodbye to.

I think this only served to make SS even more uncomfortable and kind of scared him which made him want to say hello or goodbye to people even less. I talked to DH about it without SS there and he stopped scolding SS about it, and he's slowly outgrowing the phase but he is outgrowing it which is the big thing.

I would say be patient, and try not to make your LO feel bad or embarassed about being shy. Being rude is one thing, but being shy or timid is completely different. You want to encourage them to come out of their shell not force it!

thedash · January 2014

You also can start making a huge point of greeting each other and saying thank you at home so he sees you do it and can model you. Even if DH just hands me something while we are talking I stop the conversation and say "Thank you!" if DS is around. We also make a point to say hello and goodbye to each other every day and to DS as well. It gets him into the habit. Lately when I hand him anything at all he will say "Thank you you're welcome!" like it's one sentence!

jlaOK · January 2014

jf198400 said:

I wouldn't worry it's probably just a phase. I know with my DD (3.5) she doesn't like to talk to people first thing in the morning at daycare. She won't say hello or answer any questions. But once she is there for 15mins, she is totally fine. She just needs a little time to warm up. If she's tired or cranky at home, she gets the same way. If your DS wasn't feeling well, that could also be a factor. As long as he does converse with other people, I wouldn't be worried.

My 3.5 year old DS is like this too. We just remind him to say hello, goodbye, thank you, please, etc. when appropriate and we don't make a deal about it if he doesn't actually say it. I figure the reminder is enough and he'll pick it up again eventually.

NicoleWI · January 2014

We went through this also and still sometimes struggle with it. My almost-five year old DD is charming and bright but very shy when put on the spot and sometimes will just blatantly not respond to questions from adults or look at them when they try to talk to her. We keep working on it. I talk to her about it behind the scenes but really believe in not making it a huge deal in the moment, beyond that I do say, "Katie, so-and-so asked you about school. How was it?" or "remember to say thank you!" and that kind of thing. I think if you try to force it beyond that point then they just feel even more pressured and it gets worse. If you just keep encouraging them and don't make it a big deal, eventually I think kids come around.

jetgrrrl · January 2014

Thanks everyone. Hopefully it is just a phase - I'll keep reminding him and I assume it'll get better. I will say I get a HUGE hello when I get home from work, which is nice :-)

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Not WM related: 4 year old not saying hello, goodbye or thank you

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