Looking for guidance for pregnancy announcement

MandMLeona · January 2014

Hello, I'm so sorry for your losses. I mean no disrespect to you or your children. I hope my asking for help when I have nothing to offer you is acceptable.

I have an aunt who I am very close with. She was my MOH at my wedding. 10 years ago after years of being told she was infertile, she conceived a little girl. The first u/s showed major abnormalities. The father started pressuring for an abortion, so I stepped in and started going to the ultra sounds and genetic counseling and specialists. Unfortunately, the little girl got weaker every day of her 22 days. I was there when the ventilator was removed. My aunt is much older and will not be having any more children. Sorry for all the details. I never know where to draw the line.

As I've had children, we've grown apart, and I've respected that. I try to include her as much as she's comfortable, but tried not to push. I now find myself unexpectedly pregnant. I've had a loss at 13 weeks before, so we were planning to wait until Valentine's Day to tell people. My problem is that February is the month she had Ruthie. She always withdraws from everyone during February. This year is the 10 year mark. I miss Ruthie most days, especially at Christmas, but I also know she wasn't mine...what I feel can only be a pale echo. So, I don't want to hurt my aunt. I've always been careful to tell her myself right after I tell my mom so she doesn't hear it from anyone else. I've never done a group announcement of any kind.

The timing of this one just feels tougher. Do I need to try to hide this pregnancy until March? Or would that hurt her more? I'm sure it's an individual reaction, but I'd appreciate any input you could offer.

kz's_girlygirl · January 2014

First- I am very sorry for your own loss and also want to offer congratulations on your current pregnancy.

Second- I think it's very sweet and compassionate of you to consider your aunt's feelings in this situation. Pregnancy announcements are always hard and emotions surrounding an anniversary may be more pronounced or deeply felt.

My suggestion is to tell her privately, but not to tell her that it is an unexpected pregnancy. As someone who has struggled with infertility- that just twists the knife.

For me personally, I really dislike feeling like people don't tell me things or hold off on telling me things in order to try and protect my feelings, so I would rather just know. If you are planning to announce in Feb. do what makes you comfortable but maybe try to avoid the days leading up to and immediately after the anniversary- 10 yrs is a big milestone.

Unfortunately, anyone who has had a loss knows that the world continues to turn whether we are deep in our grief or not. I think it is wonderful that you are thinking of your aunt.

My advice isn't that great, but good luck as you navigate this situation- ultimately you have to do what is best for you as well.

stefuge · January 2014

I am so sorry for your loss, and also, congratulations on your pregnancy. It is very kind of you to be so concerned for your aunt's feelings, especially since 10 years is bound to be a very difficult anniversary for her. I agree with kz's_girlygirl, I wouldn't necessarily wait to tell her, but I would try to avoid the days leading up to and immediately following her loss anniversary. Also, telling her in private, rather than in a large group setting, would be appreciated, I would imagine. I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. Best of luck.

jess123456 · January 2014

I am also very sorry for your own loss and for your aunt's loss. Congrats to you as well.

I love the advice that was already given. My sister recently announced to me and she did it via email. For me that was soooo much better than in person because I could process it on my own without worrying about my response to her face. I think keeping it from her when others know could be really hard. I hope that helps.

schulme2 · January 2014

kz's_girlygirl said:
First- I am very sorry for your own loss and also want to offer congratulations on your current pregnancy.

Second- I think it's very sweet and compassionate of you to consider your aunt's feelings in this situation. Pregnancy announcements are always hard and emotions surrounding an anniversary may be more pronounced or deeply felt.

My suggestion is to tell her privately, but not to tell her that it is an unexpected pregnancy. As someone who has struggled with infertility- that just twists the knife.

For me personally, I really dislike feeling like people don't tell me things or hold off on telling me things in order to try and protect my feelings, so I would rather just know. If you are planning to announce in Feb. do what makes you comfortable but maybe try to avoid the days leading up to and immediately after the anniversary- 10 yrs is a big milestone.

Unfortunately, anyone who has had a loss knows that the world continues to turn whether we are deep in our grief or not. I think it is wonderful that you are thinking of your aunt.

My advice isn't that great, but good luck as you navigate this situation- ultimately you have to do what is best for you as well.

I second all of this!!

MandMLeona · January 2014

Thanks for your input ladies. If I chose to delay telling her, I would delay telling everyone. I would never want her to feel that I was leaving her out.

I'm glad to hear that I should be able to continue with my plan to announce on Valentine's Day. Ruthie was born the 6th and we let her go on the 28th. So I guess the 14th is a happy medium.

Thanks so much!

angelsnight · January 2014

kz's_girlygirl said:

First- I am very sorry for your own loss and also want to offer congratulations on your current pregnancy. Second- I think it's very sweet and compassionate of you to consider your aunt's feelings in this situation. Pregnancy announcements are always hard and emotions surrounding an anniversary may be more pronounced or deeply felt. My suggestion is to tell her privately, but not to tell her that it is an unexpected pregnancy. As someone who has struggled with infertility- that just twists the knife. For me personally, I really dislike feeling like people don't tell me things or hold off on telling me things in order to try and protect my feelings, so I would rather just know. If you are planning to announce in Feb. do what makes you comfortable but maybe try to avoid the days leading up to and immediately after the anniversary- 10 yrs is a big milestone. Unfortunately, anyone who has had a loss knows that the world continues to turn whether we are deep in our grief or not. I think it is wonderful that you are thinking of your aunt. My advice isn't that great, but good luck as you navigate this situation- ultimately you have to do what is best for you as well.

Ticker warning

100% agree, well said. I especially agree with waiting until the anniversary has passed for her. Often the days leading up to the anniversary are the hardest, and usually a big relief is felt once it has passed, so maybe a week or two after that would be best.

OP I'm sorry for your loss, but congrats on your pregnancy and I also think it's very sweet and considerate how sensitive you are to your aunt's loss, even all this time later. Many people think after 10 years she's over it, but that simply isn't the case. Good luck.

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