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Kind of pissed at DH right now....

rowanthefrogrowanthefrog member
in Parenting after a Loss

Last night I posted about finding out about the unexpected and tragic death of my exhusband...back in Sept. 

I have not talked to him in many years, but I was obviously very upset about this news.  I have been thinking through all of this and today DH asked me how I was doing.  I mentioned that I was feeling compelled to write a letter to his family, simply expressing my sympathy and sending some money for his baby.  When I told that to DH he said, "I don't think that's the right way to go, they have been through too much and don't need anything making things more complicated."

Um....1) I was not asking your OPINION on what I should do about the death of someone that, at one point, was very important to me.  and 2) I am not asking for anything, expecting anything, wanting anything....I was not going to go into any of the details of what was a complicated rship.  I simply wanted to express my sympathies and if I choose to do so then that is my right. 

I didn't say anything, but of course now I'm wondering if I should simply make an anonymous donation to his son and leave it be.....I don't know.  I don't know how to feel about this, what to do, how to express my grief.....

 

A

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M/c #1 - 10/30/07 - 5w3d, DS1 - born at 36w, M/c#2 - 12/7/09 - 5w, M/c #3 - 1/13/10 - 4w6d, 
M/c #4 - 3/16/10 - 5w1d, DS2 -  born via VBAC at 40w3d, M/c#5 - 11/5/12 - 7w2d
BFP #8 - 5/5/13- Looks like a sticky one! DS3 - born via epi-free VBAC at 39w1d

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Re: Kind of pissed at DH right now....

  • to*piecesto*pieces
    i am so sorry. i am sorry for your loss and i am sorry your DH isn't being very supportive of how you want to express your sympathy to your ex's widow and children. ?i think that if you want to send a note with money, you should do that. ?i'm not sure if you were looking for advice but i wanted to share what i *think* i might do if i were in your situation. ?i think i would send a note expressing my sympathy. ?then separately i would send an anonymous donation. ?i am saying this without having any idea what the circumstances are surrounding your divorce and what his widow knows about all of that. ?i think she would really appreciate knowing that her husband was loved and is not forgotten. ?i also think it is possible that she might feel weird about the money but i honestly don't know. ?either way, i'm sure it would be very much appreciated. but, again, i do not know the details and i don't in any way want to tell you how you should express your feelings and grief. huge hugs to you. ?we are here to listen if you need us...
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  • melsiemelsie

    i can understand both sides of this...

    first off... your DH feals a bit threatened by your past marriage/relationship... with all due respect its completely understandable that he doesn't want to hear about it and/or deal with your ex's passing. its hard for our SO's to think about us with another person let alone intimacy with that other person... so talking about it, bringing up feelings and in general making him aware that you are greiving is probably making him uncomfortable right now... 

    that being said... he should be supportive of your feelings, but you should take his into account as well... talking to him about it will not help your DH... or you.. .

    i'd greive in my own way, share with my boards and my friends... write a letter to the widdow and her family expressing your sympathy for their loss and like PP said, an anonymous donation would probably be more sympathetic than attaching it to your letter.

    i know this is weird for you, and very hard to handle right now... but its very hard on your DH to see you greive for another man... i'm not saying what he's doing or saying is right... i'm just sympathising with him a bit on how this is effecting him... 

    ((hugs)) 

    i'd definitely write your letter, make your donation then let your DH know that you love him and that this is just all of a sudden and its kind of hitting you hard... more than you initialy anticipated, but its not because of past feelings for you ex, but more the realization of someone you used to know, that you were close to, passing...

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  • rowanthefrogrowanthefrog member

    Thank you both for your reponses.  I think you are right about the anonymous donation.  There was a fund set up so I think I will do tht.  I'm still torn about the letter, but I think I probably will write it, i have to decide about mailing.

    This is so weird....and so hard.
    A

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    M/c #1 - 10/30/07 - 5w3d, DS1 - born at 36w, M/c#2 - 12/7/09 - 5w, M/c #3 - 1/13/10 - 4w6d, 
    M/c #4 - 3/16/10 - 5w1d, DS2 -  born via VBAC at 40w3d, M/c#5 - 11/5/12 - 7w2d
    BFP #8 - 5/5/13- Looks like a sticky one! DS3 - born via epi-free VBAC at 39w1d

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