XP- positive experiences with live-in grandparent the first few/more months?

springbeduk2 · January 2014

I posted this on the May BMB too, and PGAL, but the wisdom here would also be much appreciated! (this part up here is the edit)

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Calling all STM (or more than second-time) - did any of you have either your mother or MIL live with you for a time around/after the birth and find it to be helpful or in some other way a positive experience? I can imagine the horror-story possibilities ... am really looking for the happy stories here, along with maybe some tips. Thanks in advance!

Long background if you feel like reading:

My MIL is going to be here (from India) for at least the first few months, maybe up to 6 months. While it is making me nervous, I think it's going to be OK - she came here before and stayed for 5 or 6 weeks (with our then 14-year old niece) about 5 years ago and that was the first time I'd ever met her and it was OK - she was not at all like one often hears about MIL's being. I think her being here got on my DH's nerves more than mine (though he's conveniently forgotten that now) because of all the "blah-blah" (his term for talking). She will cook, which will be nice. Maybe help with some cleaning. And of course her experience with babies (she raised 2 of her own plus was very much involved with her 2 current grandkids - with them when they were first born and then full-time since the younger one was a toddler if not a baby) could be very helpful as this baby will be our first. DH was around some when his nephew and niece were babies (and consequently thinks he knows more about babies than me of which I'm very skeptical); I babysat a ton from middle school through college, but none of that is the same as actually being a parent! Plus she'll be another person to help watch the baby and maybe that will mean we can even get a few breaks later in the summer to go kayaking or other things you can't do with a baby.

My own mother will not be able to be with us - she lives 2000+ miles away and is terminally ill (so if she is still alive when our LO is born we'll be planning a trip out to see her ASAP). Even if she were healthy I wouldn't expect or really want her to be here for a long visit but the tradition and family relationship norms are different for my husband's family than for mine and I respect that. Plus my MIL is used to living in a 3-generation home - my SIL (and her kids) has lived with her for probably the last 15 years due to divorce. My dad and SM will probably visit some (they're 6 hours away) but I don't expect any conflict there - they are really easy going and met my MIL when she was here before and she liked them and vise versa. The only problem is that we really only have one guest sleeping area, but I think we can work that out (they know other people here and/or we can rent somewhere for more room) and it may be the necessary kick in the butt for my DH to finally be willing to do something about getting our upstairs insulated/finished so that this will be the 4-bedroom house it is supposed to be. And to get a 2nd bathroom put in too.

Also, she is 70 so we don't know how much longer into the future she'll be able to make the long trip to come here - this may be the last visit she can do. And this past year-plus (with my mother's illness) has been very focused on my family, including causing us to put off plans to visit DH's family in India. Even before that, the whole time we've been together, we've had every Thanksgiving and many Christmases (until we decided celebrating Christmas was too much trouble) with my dad but have only been to India once and had her come here once. So it really is time to spend more time with his family.

It'll be OK, right? Even for 6 months? (she'll come in mid-April; baby is due early May; I go back to work (school) mid-late August ...

Thanks for reading and any thoughts you have to share!

jg1011 · January 2014

I have a very positive experience.

My MIL actually lives with us--full time. I don't know what I would do without her. She does cook one or two nights a week. She does all of my LO's laundry (and would happily do mine and DH's if I let her). She is a HUGE help with DS. My husband travels for work and is often gone 3-4 days a time.

Don't get me wrong...are there times I have to bite my tongue and suck it up. Are there times she oversteps and puts in her two cents too much---yes. But I try to remember all of the positive things at those times.

Sounds like you are in the right frame of mind. I think understanding and respecting the multi-generational thing is important and understanding that they won't be here forever is important too.

Good luck!

kelley72 · January 2014

I have no experience with it but I would love it! I wish my MIL was alive to be a part of my lo's life! My own mother lives quite close and I expect will visit and help often but it isn't the same as being in the same household. I bet if expectations and communication remains open you will have a wonderful experience.

kboydbowman · January 2014

My mother and I get along fantastically, and she and my wife adore each other, so I *wish* she lived with us, or at least way closer (we're in Texas, she's in NC).

CheezeFace · January 2014

My ILs drive me bonkers. They do. THey give us too many toys, they spoil my son rotten and kind of undermine my parenting sometimes. But it''s nothing major or something that I'm not willing to get over/work out with them. Heck, for that matter, my DH can drive me bonkers, too!

However, we couldn't have made it the 1st year without them. MIL was so helpful with the baby and FIL was always willing do do other 'stuff' - help with my garden, change the oil in the cars, etc…

There were times that I wanted them OUT. Like when I had mastisis and there was no more hot water for me to take a shower and relieve some pain…Or when they stopped recording my favorite show so they could watch a rerun of NCIS (hahahahaha I remember when I thought I was going to "catch up" on all my TV watching….hahahahahaha) BUt you know what, that's just stuff that comes with living with other people…any people.

Overall, the experience of having my DS raised with ILs who adore him has been beyond positive. I know he is more than safe when I'm not there - he is cherished and loved and nurtured. He's learning things that neither I nor DH would be able to teach him - he knows some of his grandparents dying language (DH doesn't know a single word), grandpa teaches him how to walk quietly in the snow (early training for tracking/hunting - they come from a culture where this is important), he can identify more species of fish than I can and at the end of the day I don't think a child can have too much love in a home.

Right now, we just have long, extended visits but we are in the process of finding a home together where we will all be comfortable and where MIL and FIL can age gracefully (no stairs, easy access to the yard/bathrooms, etc…) but big enough to give both families the privacy we need.

When LO#2 arrives I will be so comforted knowing that DS will have all the attention and love that he needs while we adjust to our new normal.

AnnieA75 · January 2014

When we had DD, DH and I were living in Florida with no family around. My Mom came to FL and stayed with us for about 5 months. I love my Mom very much, but growing up I was a brat and she got on my nerves a lot. Having my Mom in our home to help with DD ended up being a wonderful experience though. She let me do my Mom thing, and offered advice when I needed it. It was wonderful to see her with DD and they got very close by spending so much time together. DH and I both work full-time, so having my Mom's help was great. DH and I ended up really enjoying having her visit.

DH's Mom may be coming over from India if/when her travel visa gets approved. I've only met her twice when we visited his family in India, but we do talk on the phone to her a couple of times a week. She knows very little English, so it's challenging. DH is constantly our interpreter. I'm not quite sure how things will work if/when she comes to live with us. I'd much prefer 6 month stays at a time!

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XP- positive experiences with live-in grandparent the first few/more months?

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