Dads & Dads-to-be
Ratpasta
member
New dad and Im trying to not lose my mind....
Ratpasta
member
My wife and I had our first son a little more than two months ago and Ive started to completely lose my mind.
Before our little man came along I was a Renaissance man - I did as many things in life as I could get my hands on. I was an avid motorcyclist with 6 bikes and did a fair amount of racing on the weekends. I had been a professional photographer, audio engineer, and my current job as a film editor is going very well.
Im a surfer, skateboarder, musician - have played in many bands and a closet full of guitars and amps, Jeep enthusiast, film maker, triathlete, marathoner, avid traveler - Ive been to 49 states and many countries....
My wife and I, we used to travel for a few weeks a year and usually on one of my motorcycles. Last year we spent a month in Baja riding to the tip and back. For honeymoon, we went to Vietnam for 6 weeks.
We tried to have a baby for four years with no luck. It was a very big deal to my wife and she herself went through some serious bouts of depression and she finally quit her job because we were sure the stress levels were effecting her ability to have kids. Right when they cut her off of the fertility medication, she got pregnant. We were blown away and excited.
Im not exactly sure what I was thinking when we decided that we wanted a baby, in that I would be a parent for a few hours a day then get to hop out the door and go do stuff for the rest of the day but its all gone. I cant run, I cant ride my bicycle, forget motorcycle racing for at least a year. It's work or baby all the time. Forget being intimate with my wife - which I desperately miss. So add insane sexual frustration to the list.
I should probably mention here somewhere that I have anger issues and have used all of these activities in the past to manage my anger in a therapeutic way and never really had too much of a problem with it (minus video games.....
) and now its starting to rear its ugly head with a newborn.
Im very used to 9+ hours of sleep especially after lots of exercise - so throw that out the window too.
We also chose the wrong time to leave the city in that we didnt want to raise a kid in a city so we bought a small place in our hometown. So we moved, bought a house, had a baby and Im attempting to start a new career all at the same time and im losing it. However, I havent found a new job that I can afford to pay for our house so Im still working in the city and going on home the weekends.
The bottom line is that we are going to have to work something out in our schedule where I can escape for an hour or two a day to just physically run myself into the ground which in a lot of ways will make things harder but man I just need some kind of release. On top of which I'm having a really hard time dealing with the fact that my life is not my life anymore and I'm doing my level best to not resent my child or constantly feed it negative energy as a result.
Im seeking therapy for my anger and Im sure the list of things that are causing it....
Ive been looking around the web for some kind of place to talk about it and there really isnt that many places so I was thinking of giving this place a try.
I probably should add that we were very lucky to have a baby boy with zero problems. My wife was a Special Ed teach specializing in moderate/severe and man..... the things that I watched her do on a daily basis - and she would teach these kids things like how to communicate, make change for the bus etc and the parents she had to deal with the blamed her because their kids couldn't speak etc.....
I was so afraid of having our child having issues like this..... so in this way we are very, very lucky. It's just my life that I need to get a grip on
thanks for listening
Before our little man came along I was a Renaissance man - I did as many things in life as I could get my hands on. I was an avid motorcyclist with 6 bikes and did a fair amount of racing on the weekends. I had been a professional photographer, audio engineer, and my current job as a film editor is going very well.
Im a surfer, skateboarder, musician - have played in many bands and a closet full of guitars and amps, Jeep enthusiast, film maker, triathlete, marathoner, avid traveler - Ive been to 49 states and many countries....
My wife and I, we used to travel for a few weeks a year and usually on one of my motorcycles. Last year we spent a month in Baja riding to the tip and back. For honeymoon, we went to Vietnam for 6 weeks.
We tried to have a baby for four years with no luck. It was a very big deal to my wife and she herself went through some serious bouts of depression and she finally quit her job because we were sure the stress levels were effecting her ability to have kids. Right when they cut her off of the fertility medication, she got pregnant. We were blown away and excited.
Im not exactly sure what I was thinking when we decided that we wanted a baby, in that I would be a parent for a few hours a day then get to hop out the door and go do stuff for the rest of the day but its all gone. I cant run, I cant ride my bicycle, forget motorcycle racing for at least a year. It's work or baby all the time. Forget being intimate with my wife - which I desperately miss. So add insane sexual frustration to the list.
I should probably mention here somewhere that I have anger issues and have used all of these activities in the past to manage my anger in a therapeutic way and never really had too much of a problem with it (minus video games.....
) and now its starting to rear its ugly head with a newborn.Im very used to 9+ hours of sleep especially after lots of exercise - so throw that out the window too.
We also chose the wrong time to leave the city in that we didnt want to raise a kid in a city so we bought a small place in our hometown. So we moved, bought a house, had a baby and Im attempting to start a new career all at the same time and im losing it. However, I havent found a new job that I can afford to pay for our house so Im still working in the city and going on home the weekends.
The bottom line is that we are going to have to work something out in our schedule where I can escape for an hour or two a day to just physically run myself into the ground which in a lot of ways will make things harder but man I just need some kind of release. On top of which I'm having a really hard time dealing with the fact that my life is not my life anymore and I'm doing my level best to not resent my child or constantly feed it negative energy as a result.
Im seeking therapy for my anger and Im sure the list of things that are causing it....
Ive been looking around the web for some kind of place to talk about it and there really isnt that many places so I was thinking of giving this place a try.
I probably should add that we were very lucky to have a baby boy with zero problems. My wife was a Special Ed teach specializing in moderate/severe and man..... the things that I watched her do on a daily basis - and she would teach these kids things like how to communicate, make change for the bus etc and the parents she had to deal with the blamed her because their kids couldn't speak etc.....
I was so afraid of having our child having issues like this..... so in this way we are very, very lucky. It's just my life that I need to get a grip on
thanks for listening
This discussion has been closed.
Re: New dad and Im trying to not lose my mind....
No sex for the first 2 months is actually what is recommended if she had a c-section. Going that long, or perhaps a bit longer is not unheard of due to exhaustion. Once you get more of a routine in place and your child's patterns become a bit more predictable you can start to see parts of your old life come back... but to think you are going to have hours of time on your hands to do what you used to do... those days are over, unfortunately you'll just have to come to peace with that on your own.
As was said above, you can try to utilize family or close friends if you have any in the area if you need some personal time, but I imagine your wife needs that time even more.
This is part of why I suggested the family taking your baby one night, that way you both can get some time to yourself, and perhaps, if they feel generous enough, some time for the two of you together as well.
First off, welcome. I think the frustration that you are expressing here is fairly normal. I think that you will find that the fathers here are very engaged in ther childrens lives, and we have the experiences that can give you some different perspectives and ideas.
"Im not exactly sure what I was thinking when we decided that we wanted a baby, in that I would be a parent for a few hours a day then get to hop out the door and go do stuff for the rest of the day but its all gone. I cant run, I cant ride my bicycle, forget motorcycle racing for at least a year. It's work or baby all the time. Forget being intimate with my wife - which I desperately miss. So add insane sexual frustration to the list."
I don't think any first-time parent has any sort of idea the level of committment that is required bringing a new one into the world. Those first three months are brutal, especially for our wives/SO. Colt said it best by reminding us that it is a challenge for a mother to even shower in those first three months of around the clock feedings, especially if she is BF. The pumping, the lack of sleep, it all takes such a toll on both parents.
I suggest that you should focus more energy on the sacrafices that your wife is making, and use that as an opportunity to find new ways to get the stress out, so to speak. If your wife is pumping or not I suppose, maybe a couple times a week after work you can come home and give her some relief for the evening to go out and do whatever she wants while you watch the baby. While the baby sleeps, that is a chance for you to get a workout in, or some video game time in, or whatever you want to do at the time. But from here on out, you will need to be creative in finding new ways to recharge your battery and get that stress release you crave. You mentioned film editing. I am envious of that because I have hours of unedited film of my son's first year that I am overwhelmed by, so it just sits there. This is a chance for you to make some film of the development of your boys first year. But finding that outlet to replace the things that you are sacraficing currently is really important for your son, and your marriage.
As far as the sex....welcome to the club of fatherhood. Don't worry, though. It will come back during the toddler stage. In the meantime, there are certainly creative ways that your wife can hook you up without having intercourse. I think if you try the "get of the house" thing with her, combined with picking up some of the chores, you might have a good shot at exploring some of those creative ways. My wife says that I am never more sexy to her than when she see me taking care of our son. Use that to your advantage!!!!!!!
And have fun. Having a son is a really special thing for us father's of boys, he will always be the closest male in your life from now on. The way my son reacts to me, and watches my every single move, it is just so humbling for me. I know right now it is just eat, shit and sleep for you, but in a few months that will all start to change....dramatically! You are about to embark on a journey that is so rewarding, once you see how much your son is going to look up to his daddy. Makes me melt, it really does.
And isn't life really about work and family, once you become a husband and father? I understand the need to vent and have some alone time once in awhile. I totally get that. My mistress is golf. prior to the birth of my son I would get out between 25-30 times a summer. It was my greatest way to relax and unwind. My son is now 17 months old, and I have golfed no more than five times since he was born. And only once all of last summer!
But I did take my son to the zoo at least a dozen times last summer. Had him in the backpack carrier and we would spend an hour or two walking the whole zoo and eat lunch there. Got my workout on (22 pounds on my back while walking three miles) and got some son time at the zoo. Win Win!!! (That is the creative thinking I was talking about earlier.) No more golf, but I still get my exercise and I still get to watch my son point at animals and rock out at life.
You will adjust, like we all did, as long as you keep things in perspective and remember that everything you do now has an impact on your son. With that in mind, you will make more good decisions than bad ones.
I agree with @Jack9. The dads here are awesome, and the one common thing is that we are all totally committed to our children and families.
And yes......keep the questions and comments coming, @ratpasta. We need all the good dads we can get around here. Being a father offers a whole different set of challenges, and the wealth of knowledge here among us is a great asset.
And the alone time as you knew it.....Jack9 is correct. You will start to find that your alone time will involve your child about 90% of the time. Like I said earlier, the zoo has replaced golf for me.
Unfortunately, my frustration has been augmented slightly because of how concerned everyone is for my wife. For the first time in my life I have to seek out help from others because of how I feel and its being deflected.... which makes me feel like shit. I have never really needed help in my life and quite frankly it's embarresing for me. The men in my family are overachievers by nature and needing help with things is not something I generally seek.
Yes she went through child birth, yes she had major surgery and yes I needed to pick up a lot of the slack as a result and that's totally fine. I told her 1000 times I would have carried and delivered the baby if that was an option - but it's just not. She has been in pain, she has needed a lot more than normal and thats fine, and I helped her out probably more than she needed.
I stayed home for two months after the kid was born and to this day Im the only one who does things like; take out the trash, change the catbox, clean the floors, clean the kitchen, cook a lot of the time, vacuum and about a zillion other things that moms generally do and on top of which Im doing everything that the baby requires plus I support the family, I pay for the house, the brand new car my wife drives, her clothes, her shoes her everything. I handle most of the load most of the time, period.
Also, I had also just, essentially by myself, moved our entire home.
My wife is the first person to admit that she is kind of lazy around the house and she also says that she is "working on it" but its been nearly 10 years and its getting better but slowly.
She is a fantastic mother and has always has a knack with children and she has taught me a lot in a very short time. I have become a better person because of her and I believe the opposite is true as well. We work VERY hard to keep our relationship very open with communication, honesty and love.
Yes we are home and yes both of our families are here but unfortunately because of my sisters kids, my folks want nothing to do with babysitting, ever. My wife's mom is to a certain degree not a baby person, so in a lot of ways we are kind of on our own. Her mom does help out from time to time but only on her terms.
We do have a family friend that has offered to take the kid so we can have a weekly date night which is wonderful because I really do miss just going out and having a quiet dinner with my wife.
I believe this will help a lot because Im a firm believer in you can only help others after you yourself have been helped. If the parents are taken care of, the baby is taken care of etc. so the wife and I need to be in a good place and the baby will have a much better chance as being happier.
In the past week because of work I have had to be away and have had a chance to catch up on some sleep and work some things out in my head. Im still seeking help from a therapist as Im sure that some of the things Im going trough are old issues that I have yet to resolve.
Im looking forward to spending the weekend with my family which is a good thing because I have had other feelings.
Baby steps for a grown man are still steps....
Funny you mention laziness. There ws a time when my wife could have said the same thing about me. Over the years though, I think we both have begun to realize that we do things at a different pace, and what I think is a clean house, she may see as a dirty house. We all define focus and discipline a little differently, I think.
Date nights are critical to a couple who has kids. We are actually going to start doing that with my in-laws, we take one Saturday, they take the next. We have found that when we get away from being parents, if just for a couple of hours, our realtionship get re-energized very quickly, and it carries over for days.
My mom was not a baby person as well. It was a real concern at first, because we did not know how much we could depend on my parents. Fast forward to today, any my mother will grab the boy up the minute that she see him. Our parents change when they have grandchildren, and sometimes it just takes a little time and patience to get there.
Therapy is never a bad thing. My wife is a psychologist, and I know firsthand how important having that other viewpoint is when we go through something. I suffered from anxiety and fear when I was in college. For 4 years, every other week, I saw a therapist on campus. I know that I never would have been able to graduate without that time to look at things that made me get anxious and filled with fear of failure. I also know that I would not be the guy I am today without that help. Fuck the stigma that men are supposed to be tough and not talk about their fears and concerns. We are as emotionally driven as women are, we just never really learned to express it.
Everyday we spend on earth is a day that we should be working to be the best we can be. Sometimes, if we are in tune with ourselves, we need help in seeing things as they really are. I applaud you for wanting to be the best you can be for your family.
Thank you for some clarity!
After scouring the web, it's kind of astonishing what's available.
The entire time we were in our birthing class, I dont think there was one mention of helping or supporting the father in any way - who is usually over burdened in many ways similar to the women.
Society still looks at men as being above the need for such help. I am certainly teaching my son that there is nothing wrong with being in touch with his feelings and emotions, and that asking for help in times of stress is the responsible way to live.
The only emotion that is acceptable for men to show in our society is anger. That is considered manly, and is celebrated through violence and sexual power over women. My son will learn a very different lesson aobut acceptable male behavior.
I dont have a problem being in touch with my feelings (several ex GF's accused me of being a "chick" ) but my anger and frustration is something I desperately need learn how to handle.
That's a good point and I've never considered that before, that is about men showing anger. I straddle a family line - my fathers family is very german, very reserved and zero emotion shown, ever. Whereas my mothers family are huge drinkers and take 4 hours to say goodbye. I hate to say it but I do have more of my mother in me - the crazy passionate tends to take me over and gives me many of my problems.
and how is sexual power over women celebrated? I certainly do agree that it doesnt get as much attention in our society as it deserves but I dont find it to be celebrated
I can show example over example of this throughout media. From the movie Pretty Women to the latest Carl's commercial with Terrell Owens. In Axe advertising for teenage boys to the soap operas that millions of women watch every single day. The message is clear...men are defined as more valuable and successful when they successfully pursue, and capture, women. And women are defined as objects that need to be pursued if they are worth anything to a man or society.
Even Disney programs like Jesse and Ally & Austin introduce these concepts to pre-teen boys and girls. Jesse is the worst boy-crazy stereotype that I have seen in a while. Disney Channel is something that I monitor very, very closely. They are very sneaky about it.
Then we figured out he was watching one of the super popular Disney programs in which one of the main characters just sasses their parent at every turn. On the show it might be funny, when it's your kid.....
I totally hear what you're saying as far how women are portrayed in all forms of media. It's gotten better for sure and our country is radically progressive for things like this which is great for young girls who have real role models now.
Even for young boys - Malala is one of the strongest roles models we have ever known
Bump -
Finally caught up on this thread. Have you been able to take a few more steps @Ratpasta?
I had a not so similar experience, I was taking professional exams for the first year my son was alive (20-30 hours per week on top of a full time job) with a 2-month break in the middle. And I did probably 60-80% of the middle of the night chores because my wife needed sleep for medical purposes. Let's just say it was a very rough 1st year.
Fast-forward - my son is now 3. It was very well worth it and that 1st year brought us closer together. I can now do about anything I want. You will get your hobbies back and it will be even better once your son takes an interest in them. Just keep hanging in there, life will get better than it was before once you get past the hard part.
I do think that in many marriages men are also expected to be the emotional rocks.
Oh yeah, I got a jogging stroller when my son was one. Highly recommend. I got to run, my son liked it, and my wife got a break. win-win-win.
And one thing I forgot. When you get your hobbies back they become even more enjoyable because you've been away from them for so long.
thanks you guys for the new posts. Things have been a little better lately. Of course I say that because I have to be 100 miles away during the week at work and then I come home on friday night and everything is awesome because my wife gets a break from the kid, we miss each other and we are a family again for a few days.
we have started doing date night on the weekends which is awesome because we are building up our village of folks that we love that can help us out with the kid, and we love having some time with each other as well.
Ive been going to therapy every Tuesday and that seems to be helping a bit. At the very least it's helping me become a bit more cognizant about my knee-jerk actions.
Im dead set on being a better dad all the time.
The work thing is tough because my work is relatively high stress but it pays for our house and and our car.... our life basically and if/when I finally get a job where we live, the wife is going to have to work full time and we are going to have to get renters. So i have been dragging my feet a little bit in looking for a new job because Id like to build up a buffer in our bank account before making any changes.
the boy is getting so big so fast - he is starting to hold up his head already...... he is sleeping a lot at night and is getting more interaction which is really helping develop a bond with him, that didnt exist for me up until very recently. Now i feel like im missing everything which breaks my heart but hey the kid needs a place to sleep too right?
we face time all the time. I call her periodically during the day when I get small breaks which is awesome.
On the exercise front apathy and procrastination have taken me over. Plus Im just trying to get as much sleep as I can during the week because when Im home I try to take the kid off my wife as much as possible so she can sleep more.
Im just going to have to start getting up early at least two days a week to start strengthening my body again - i feel like a piece of shit plus Im not eating that well..... stress and happiness eating.
Baby steps - getting it together in baby steps
I get that. 100 miles is different in the Midwest I guess.
You'll get there, you seem like you have your act together.
and thank you, I hope so
Ratpasta. I have read your story and all the responses and the one thing I would have to say is that time is always gonna be against us as men. We are expected to work, come home relieve our wives, and are not as appreciated or celebrated as women. I know life stinks but life aint fair! Im a father of two with one on the way and I work 2 jobs so my time is limited, but i make the best of it because its my life, my duty, and my responsibility. My wife and I communicate well enough so we know when one of us may need some time to our selves. And we have limited resources as well (my family from S.C., and my wife has limited family in PA where we live).
I know how you can be frustrated at times with the change life has brought you. But my philosophy is what doesnt kill me only makes me stronger. Things will def get better as you and your wife adjust to being parents and raising your son.
Glad this thread is still going. It is making me look at some of my own negative behavior earlier this week when I exploded on my wife in front of the kid. It was not the best moment for me, that is for sure, and I felt like total shit for allowing my anger in the moment to be expressed in such a way. It is amazing that all I can think about that moment is the shame I feel for allowing my son to see that side of me.
My wife and I will be fine, we always will be. We care too much about each other to not work thing sout whenever we hit a bump in the road. We both need to work on our stuborness and our unwillingness to let things go when we are feeling hurt. Not just for us, but for our children too.
This thread is jsut a reminder of the fact that our anger and temper is something that we will always have to work on and evaluate. I am realizing more and more that my anger is just a sign that I am hurting from something. It is a way of lashing out to avoid being hurt.
My son needs to learn, through the actions of his parents, that when we are hurting inside, it is okay to express it, instead of acting out negatively through anger. Seeing him react in fear like that, when we were yelling at each other, is not something that I want him to see again. He deserves so much better from us.
Agree - someone that acts like an adult most of the time!
heh
I actually remember the moment that my temper scared me. I was playing a stupid game on my computer (actually not stupid, Battlefield 3 is fucking epic) and something happened and I got pissed and started hitting the mouse with my fist.
After I had hit it four or five times the cover came off and the circuit board was exposed and continued to hit it with my fist. After it started to get bloody, and my hand was starting to look like hamburger, I still wasnt stopping. I was trying to stop and my body wasnt stopping..... you when I finally did stop you should have seen my hand.... it was wrecked..... and I was officially scared of myself
My son gets on his knees and crawls right into my shins with a good headbutt lately. Laughs like he took a hit of nitrous right before making me feel his wrath..
HAHA, we have boys for sure.
two weekends ago was pretty good. The little man was in a relatively good mood, the wife and i got date night we actually got 4 or 5 hours of sleep.
Last weekend was pretty much as bad as it could have been. Little man was crying and mostly inconsolable for most of the weekend. It was too cold to take him out to the beach like we normally do - boys' breakfast. so wifey couldnt sleep in sat morning, which always makes me feel like shit because I feel as if I cant do anything - like im worthless. Wife cant even get a few extra much needed hours of sleep.
Sunday was the worst - while most normal americans are at some kind of superbowl gathering, I was at a Lunar New year party for my wifes family where they pretty much just sat around and judged my wife.
"look at this kid, he just screams, what are you doing wrong, he is too cold, he is too hot, you need to be a better wife to your husband, look at him he works so hard and you give him crying child" on and on and on. she was brought to tears several times during this stay.
In her culture its pretty normal for the aunts in the family to pretty much offer up whatever advise they want and you kind of have to take it and not be disrespectful so its really hard for wifey.
on top of everything else, we couldnt find someone to watch the baby so no time alone at all, all weekend.... then I got sick on monday and back to work.
so things are simultaneously getting easier and harder. and someone hit our car in the parking lot the other day...... ugh.... I wish we could just catch a break