Working moms--I need a pep talk (long)

Stef1210 · January 2014

Hi ladies,

I've been a little MIA lately. My apologies. I still lurk!

When LO was born, I quit my teaching job (which was just a temporary contract anyway), and figured I would SAH for the unforeseen future. I had this idea in my head that I would be the perfect stay-at-home mom and cook and bake and take LO to the zoo, and get pregnant again right away. Yesterday, I interviewed for a substitute teacher job, thinking I could get the odd day in here or there and make some extra cash. Instead, I was offered a full-time, tenured position. These are really hard to come by where I live (and pretty much all across Canada), and it would be teaching what I love: high school French Immersion. I have to take it.

I do miss teaching, and staying at home has been a little... lonelier than I expected, but I just can't shake this feeling of guilt. When I told my mom, she was SO disappointed and didn't understand at all. I started researching day cares and nannies, and I started to cry. I had no idea I would feel all these emotions.

I guess I'm looking to hear from some of you ladies who have been through this. Any thoughts, encouragement, or kicks in the bum are appreciated.

GraceInCA · January 2014

I have been in your shoes. With my son (who is much older), I entertained the thought of staying home for a while. Thank goodness I didn't. In fact, I didn't even last the entire duration of my trial run. When they are little, it's great, but as they grow older and are in school all day and have no use for you, you will feel the effect of being out of the workforce. And with very few exceptions, once you're out, it's incredibly difficult to transition back in.

Think of the positive things about taking a teaching position. You get fairly lengthy vacations (winter break, spring break, summer break), your hours and your child's hours will match up once your child is in elementary school, you'll have that extra income that will be great help for your family and for your children as they get older, etc.

There is a sense of sacrifice when you leave your child when they are little. But they also get some benefit. Interacting with their peers is so great, even when they are very little.

You'll be ok mama. No matter what you decide, you'll be just fine. Lots of hugs.

RIngReady · January 2014

Congratulations on your new job!

DC is hard at first, even if you trust who you have LO one with, but I love that my LO is exposed to other people and new friends.

For me I know working makes me a better mom. When I am home with him, I get to cherish our time together. Because I don't spend all day entertaining him, I have more energy to roll with him on the floor for longer, and have the patience to listen to the same toy over and over again with him. I also notice the small changes in him more readily and really love seeing his face light up when I walk in the door to pick him up. (granted he always smiles at his nanny too).

It is normal to feel a little guilty, but make sure it doesn't get in your way or realizing you were given a great opportunity for an awesome job doing what you love.

ASmallWonder · January 2014

First, don't take any of what I say to mean that you aren't entitled to your feelings

I'm going to give you the best side of what being a working parent means but that doesn't mean you have to be jumping for joy over it at first.

My kids have always been in daycare and you know what? We love daycare and daycare loves my boys. Is being home all day with their smiling faces great? Sure. But seeing them excited to see you at the end of the day is amazing too. Aiden comes home with stories and songs and I LOVE hearing him talk about his day. Every day I find something new he knows that I didn't teach him. This is not to say SAHM parents can't accomplish this (duh, they can) but sometimes, having people who aren't the parents teach your kids things is amazing. They can learn a different level of respect because they know it's not mommy who loves them to the moon and back and might cave because "OMG he asked SO cute!"

At the end of the day, we have to remember that we're only home with our kids for a max of five years anyway. I'm not trying at all to diminish the value of that time but our lives still need to be our lives in five years when they start school and if taking this job is amazing for your career, you WILL make this work. You'll learn to partner with the people who help you with your kids. I guarantee you'll learn something from them and every day you'll be blown away at what an amazing, fun experience your baby got to have. And when LO is older, you'll get to hear the best stories

momofcatan · January 2014

Sorry I haven't read other people's words. As a Canadian mommy with lots of teacher friends...OH EM GEE you got a tenure position in a subject you love! That is SO exciting! I can also understand how torn you feel. I also thought I would love to be a SAHM but I'm actually now looking forward to heading back to work in June. I realize I'm not meant to be a SAHM, it's not for everyone. I don't think you should feel too guilty. You've spent a lot of time with LO already and will continue to do so even when you work. As a teacher you are going to get the summer and school breaks to still hang with LO which is great.

If your school board is like the ones here you will also have awesome benefits especially if/when you get pregnant again (topped up mat leave?) and lots of sick days so you can take care of LO when he needs it.

megaroo64 · January 2014

First, congrats on the job.

Second, I have to say I was in a really similar boat to yours. When I got pregnant with B, I lost my teaching job. I found another job in education that I liked, but I kinda figured I would work through my pregnancy and then leave. When I went on maternity leave (which lined up with the beginning of summer), everyone knew that I was 50/50 for coming back at the start of the next year. On a whim, I interviewed for a job as the director of technology for my district (I had a similar job before) and the offer was kinda too good to pass up. I went through some crazy guilt when I first went back- I missed B and wanted to be hanging at home with him. But at the same time, I really love what I do and I am very good at it. I came to the realization that if I left education all together, I would have to plan on never coming back- at least not to a position like the one I have now. Education is a competitive place.

Now, B has been with his babysitter for a few months. He loves it there and she and her kids ADORE my son. It is great to know that there is another adult out there that knows him really well and has his best interest at heart- makes me feel like I have another ally in my mission to raise a really fantastic kid.

Anyway, it sounds like a fantastic opportunity and while looking for DCP is crazy, once you get settled everything calms down. Good luck!

RissNRuss · January 2014

There are days I wish I was SAH, but working is necessary for our family to live in my case. However, that being said, if I left, I'd be out. My field isn't really accepting of weird or part time schedules, let alone long gaps in employment.
I'll be honest with you, there are good days and bad days. Some days it's great to drop her off and see her excited for a day with her friends. Other days it hurts that she isn't sad to see me go. But I know that she's cared for, and safe, while I am away doing my work.
Since being back at work though, I feel like when I'm home, she's my entire focus and I like having that break, and a bit more energy to really give her my all at that time. When I was on leave, I was exhausted by early evening from trying to run the house and care for her. Now I get a break from being at home, and that car ride to and from work gives me "clear my head and refocus" time I didn't get being home all day.

Maelara · January 2014

SAH is much different of an experience than I thought too. I also pictured a clean house, cooking and baking. But it's a lot harder than I expected. I think that if you don't take this job, that 5, 7, 10 years from now, when our LOs don't depend on us so much, you will regret not taking the job. I say this not knowing you, but knowing that is how I would feel. As others have pointed out, you will get the same time off as your LO. Good luck with your decision!

BC&LM · January 2014

I couldn't tell which side you needed the pep talk for, but you did ask for opinions from people who have been through it so here's mine.

I went back to teaching when LO was 19 weeks old because it would have been very difficult living comfortably on just one income. I hate that I had to do it. I hate that I only see LO for a couple of hours each day before he goes to sleep. I miss taking him to the zoo, botanical gardens, park, aquarium, etc. like I did on maternity leave. I hate not having control over his schedule at daycare or knowing exactly what he is doing all day. (They give us a general idea but not as specific as I would like.) I hate that if I want to get grading done, I have to stay after work and do it, thus picking up LO later and having even less time to spend with him some days. There is no way I can do it at home at night anymore because by the time LO goes to sleep, I am exhausted. I do it on the weekends sometimes, but that is supposed to be our family time. I also would have liked to join a mommy group, but almost all of them meet on weekdays.

There are some positives. It's nice to contribute financially to the family and to have my own spending money. We can afford to take LO on vacation each year, and he is getting socialization at daycare. My insurance is also much better than my husband's insurance.

Overall, if I could have, I would have stayed home. The benefits to it outweigh the positives to me. I know a lot of mothers that I work with who would disagree with me, though, so just take this as one woman's opinion.

ETA: Based on the other comments, I guess maybe I misunderstood your original post. You seemed like you were unsure because you mentioned breaking down when you started looking at daycares. I'm sorry if what I said wasn't what you were looking for! Oh, and to add to the positives, we get lots of time off compared to other jobs, and I feel like a teaching day goes by so quickly compared to other jobs I had in college.

Stef1210 · January 2014

Thank you to everyone for offering your thoughts and advice! It's really helping to hear from so many of you who are happily working outside the home and have adjusted to leaving LO at daycare. It's good to know that the guilt doesn't last forever.

@araziza Thanks for the congratulations! I used to teach in TO, and I gave up a contract in the TDSB to move out west with my husband. It was so tough to give it up, knowing how many teachers there are out of work.

A few of you have reminded me that this will be an asset to my career in the long-run, and you're so right. I don't want to stay out of the game for too long. And you're also right that teaching offers a family-friendly schedule.

Ah, the wisdom of June '13.

I love you ladies.

nikel13 · January 2014

Congrats! Can't beat working in something you love!

Don't feel guilty. I have thought again and again that I would want to be SAH, but it hasn't happened and I don't think it would be good for me or Lily if it did. I am lucky because we don't have to do DC right now because I am part time, but I am looking for a full time teaching position or just a full time position where I am. We need the money and I want some job security that contract doesn't give you. That said, I'm not really that anxious to leave Lily at a DC because I have been leaving her in the church nursery no problem. I know that it's a shorter period of time, but it has warmed me up to the idea of leaving her with people that aren't family.

Good luck and it'll all be great!

Nix55 · January 2014

Take it. I'm a teacher as well. I think that our schedule with holiday breaks and summer vacay give us lots of extra days off with LO. We really get the best of both worlds. Also, think about the financial stability you can provide for your family and LO's future. You will learn quickly how to manage both jobs. I'm also gonna let you in on a little secret, I don't feel bad when I drop my crabby, teething 8 month old off at daycare. "Bye, bye, sweetie. Mama will see you soon."

Good luck with your decision.

phishgirl29 · January 2014

I'm a tenured teacher too. I go back to work for the 3rd &4th semesters next month. It's going to suck and I'm already having anxiety attacks regarding nursing/pumping, grading, new curriculum and not to mention students that I know will make me want to drink more than I ever wanted to on O's worst day.

@Nix55 is right though. We do have a lot of time in the summers and various breaks throughout the year that it will be worth it in the end. I only make 20% less than DH so my income can definitely be put to good use so not going back isn't really an option. I'll probably never get another job like the one I have, not to mention the teaching requirements are ever changing here, so even if I were to quit, I would need to update my license (and nobody got time for that).

Take the job at least for the rest of the year. It will be a great experience and awesome for your resume. Congrats to you for getting such a great opportunity!

kacelle · January 2014

It sounds like an amazing position. I left a job I loved (because of a boss I hated) when pregnant with DD #2 and had the same vision of being a SAHM as you, and it hasn't quite been what I expected. Even with a 2.5 year old and an almost 7 month old to keep me busy, I get really bored and I find myself dreaming of going back to work. If it's right for you, don't feel guilty!

NicoleReed0324 · January 2014

I agree with a lot of the previous posters. It is not easy. Especially in the beginning. I cried a ton!!! I missed him, and I still do. But we can provide such a wonderful life with two strong incomes. Now that I am back (I have been since September) I realize it truly is best for all of us. My mother in law does a wonderful job caring for MJ and I get to be home by 3:30. It's a nice balance.

If I had a teacher's holidays and summer I would love it even more! Congratulations. I think you will be really happy with your decision. It will just take some time to adjust. Good luck!

Greywolf12 · January 2014

I haven't gone back yet, but I will in June. I am loving every minute of this year with her, but I'm not the type of person who can be a SAHM permanently. I say take it. I think you will know very quickly if it is a mistake or not. If it is, then you can quit and stay home with LO. If you don't take it, you might not have the same opportunity again and you'll always wonder "what if?"

FunkyPhoenix · January 2014

I literally had a breakdown today. I had an interview that went great, came home feeling pretty jazzed, held my baby and rocked him to sleep, it all just hit me like a sack of bricks and I bawled off and on all evening. I don't HAVE to go back to work but am choosing to- and feel so guilty about it. I'm going to miss him so much.

FunkyPhoenix · January 2014

subliminalrabbit said:
@funkyphoenix, ((hugs)). The snuggles are all the sweeter!

Thank you. So true. I have a feeling I'm going to be tolerating clinginess and wake ups a lot more when I don't get any squishy love for 10 hours a day.

NicoleReed0324 · January 2014

FunkyPhoenix said:

subliminalrabbit said:
@funkyphoenix, ((hugs)). The snuggles are all the sweeter!
Thank you. So true. I have a feeling I'm going to be tolerating clinginess and wake ups a lot more when I don't get any squishy love for 10 hours a day.

Honestly, most nights I don't mind when he wakes up once or twice because I miss him so much during the day....

More than twice and I'm still annoyed haha

GRJC · January 2014

I guess you have to do what feel right for you but I will say that for me, working has been the best decision.

I don't need to work, I could stay home since my husband makes enough, but I just can't imagine being home all day with my son. For me, I love my job (police dispatcher) it's energizing, and I have downtime to catch up on things I couldn't do at home. I talk to adults...

If you love this job and think you can manage being away from your child then that's the best decision for you and don't make anyone make you feel bad about it.

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