Anybody else worried that being a mom will make it more difficult to achieve your goals/dreams?

jpoindahouse · January 2014

I am nowhere close to where I want to be career-wise. I secretly worry that now that I am about to become a mother I will never attain the level of professional success that I desire. I feel guilty even saying this because I am so blessed to have a wonderful family, husband and healthy pregnancy. Still, I secretly have reoccurring thoughts that my career dreams will die. Is anybody else going through this?

PeachLove25 · January 2014

I think it will be much more difficult to balance things... But it pushes me even harder because of the life I want for my family and the importance of education and success that I want to instill. Trying to look at it as a motivator- but you're right, it can change things.

quidditchcapn1120 · January 2014

I have found the opposite. I may have had those fears before my first, but I think it has actually pushed me. I was a third year in dental school when DS1 was born. Since then, I have taken two sets of boards, graduated top 10% from dental school, gotten into my preferred residency, will complete residency in June, am working on my Masters and am about to publish my research. After this LO is born I will finish residency, take specialty boards in May, move out of state, and start a new job within 6 months.

Keep your drive, tell yourself it is to help make your LO's (and your!) life better and you won't be disappointed in yourself. Of course it won't be easy but you will do it.

ShePersisted · January 2014

I don't get the point of this post.

Frankly, I think it's a little late to worry about that.

Anything is possible and the truth is you won't know what will be of priority for you until after the baby comes. Some moms are quiet comfortable leaving their kids with nannys and day care and concentrate on their careers while some don't. There is no right or wrong and makes no sense in questioning that at this point.

Plus if I tell you I am worried about my career how does that help you? How I manage my career and my baby has no relevance to how you would do it.

inluv4life2 · January 2014

Read or listen to Lean In. You'll really connect with it and find some tips to keep you from sabotaging yourself professionally. And yes, I relate to how you feel. I found that it took a full 6 month after returning to work to get a groove and continue advancing. I've been promoted twice since my daughter was born. You can do it!

jpoindahouse · January 2014

Hg45 said:

I don't get the point of this post. Frankly, I think it's a little late to worry about that. Anything is possible and the truth is you won't know what will be of priority for you until after the baby comes. Some moms are quiet comfortable leaving their kids with nannys and day care and concentrate on their careers while some don't. There is no right or wrong and makes no sense in questioning that at this point. Plus if I tell you I am worried about my career how does that help you? How I manage my career and my baby has no relevance to how you would do it.

I guess I'm just venting. Technically, I'm totally ready to have kids- we are secure financially, and I made a conscious decision to get pregnant mainly due to my age ( early 30s). Still, fear that I will sacrifice my own happiness or my own goals is in the back of my mind. I don't regret my decision to get pregnant at all, I guess I'm just a little scared. But you are correct, worrying about it doesn't really help...especially at this point and, overall, I am way more excited to meet LO than I am scared. That doesn't mean that I don't have fears

kt_arr · January 2014

This might be something you'd want to talk to someone about. Have you considered seeing a counselor?

ETA: I suggest this not because I think your fears aren't normal, but because I had similar anxieties that I spoke about with my counselor who really helped ease my fears.

keags5496 · January 2014

I think that's a totally normal, rational concern. Give yourself time to figure out motherhood for a bit, and try not to stress about work. I found that once I got back into things I was able to figure out a nice, healthy balance and did fine with work.

HummingbirdMama · January 2014

keags5496 said:

I think that's a totally normal, rational concern. Give yourself time to figure out motherhood for a bit...

This... I suspect that there are several of us experiencing this to some degree or another so know that you are not alone. Careers that are particularly based in reputation, etc. are definitely subject to it all. Also in my (mid) 30s, just done with grad school, geographically confined for the future job search and in a field without defined trajectories but very much dependent on momentum, I find myself now taking a hiatus to start this family since the timing of things was different than anticipated. I'm not sure if I will even want to resume full-time once LO arrives, which is a little scary after having invested the past 7 years in grad research and truly believing in the work I do. Not to mention the obligation I feel to everyone who invested in me along the way (funding, mentors). But I wouldn't want to miss out on having a family for the most fulfilling career imaginable. Just try to be cool with it all, see where the road leads, and promise yourself to be honest with whatever you feel now and in the future. Paths do not have to be direct and dreams can morph over time. That can be the example you set for your child. Good luck!

ShePersisted · January 2014

@klutzygrl26 - well I think my point is very clear- that she is already having a baby so a little late to think about that. She rather work on managing it to the best of her ability rather than worry. And two, she won't know what she will feel about her career until after the baby arrives! She may feel differently. Simple as that.

On the OP she is asking if others have that fear and I am saying that it's not something that's comparable as each persons personal situation and careers are different so it won't help her from knowing. It's subjective hence my point being that this post will get her nowhere.

That's my personal opinion which I stated to the OP but if you want to empathize and share your fears go ahead and do so. Honestly still pointless to dwell on fears. Yes a bunch of us can assure her we are all worried about our careers and that her fear is real. Then what?? For me it's the same fear as will I be a good mom. It's not something I will ask a bunch of women to assure myself. Each persons situation is VERY subjective, careers are different, family situations are different and most importantly women are different about how they manage both and if there is fear and anxiety perhaps counseling is a better solution as @kt_arr mentioned.

And PS: I was not claiming that I was confident about managing my career- I was speaking metaphorically and asking the OP how knowing something like this wound help her. Point very well now proven by your post. Either ways it won't help the OP if 10 others say they have the same concern or if they say otherwise.

RondackHiker · January 2014

So you're worried that having a baby will make it harder to achieve career goals? Well, to be honest, it will.

I mean, you're adding another major priority to your life. That makes it trickier to balance or juggle things. That's just how it works. Like if you worked two jobs you wouldn't be able to put in as much overtime at job A and advance as quickly.

You'll have to find your own balance once baby comes. That balance is completely unique for each family, since babies and moms and dads and careers vary so much.

I have several mom friends who put themselves through medical school. Three started with kids (one as a single mom). Three had babies during school. All are now residents. One who had a baby during school is now a single mom (her H was a jerk, it wasn't related to how busy she was) and she's a surgical intern at one of the top programs in the US. They love their children and are loved by their children, and working toward their dreams. I'm sure it's much harder than if they didn't have kids, but it's doable.

ShePersisted · January 2014

klutzygrl26 said:
I agree @ HG45 that worrying about it won't accomplish anything. But I still think it's a reasonable topic of discussion on a community forum. It's certainly a more interesting topic to me than what diaper bag she should carry.

Yes and all I'm saying asking this question if others feel the same way is no different than asking what diaper bag they chose. Yes of course the anxiety of your career fading is much more critical than choosing the wrong diaper bag but regardless she still needs to figure it out in her own way and what she will assume as priority. Asking if others feel or are in the same boat is moot. I am not being snarky but more direct that no matter what different people will tell you about themselves and many different situations she ultimately will have to evaluate this more subjectively hence this post may not help her truly.

vacsx2 · January 2014

I hope this post helps OP by knowing you are not alone. This is something I think about often and talk about with my female friends and my husband. It's one of the most discussed topics amongst women today and is a constant theme in the media.

Of course, it doesn't help to worry. But of course, it is completely natural and normal to worry. Telling a woman about to give birth not to worry is like telling it not to be cold in Chicago in January.

It's brave to talk about things like this and I hope you find people who are willing to listen and support.

notreal2 · January 2014

Child of teen parents here. I am certain my parents had a much slower start because of me, but as someone previously said, having a family made them more driven to acheive their goals because they saw it as a "we are all in this together" type of thing instead of, "I really want this for myself." My mom went to college after my dad did, by agreement. I am pretty sure I was the only 4th grader in my class who helped their mom study for the psych exam and proofread her history papers. It was a family effort.

In my opinion, if kids KEEP you from doing something, you never really wanted to do it in the first place. However, if after you have children that thing you wanted is less important, then that's just priorities changing.

LetoileDuNord · January 2014

My mom was also 19 when she had me. She managed to go to college, grad school, and has had a successful career. I'm of the belief that you can still have a fulfilling career and be a parent. Lots of moms and dads do it!

Like many people, having a child has been a very strong personal goal for me as long as I can remember. I am so excited to be this close to completing this personal goal.

kella0708 · January 2014

I'm glad you brought this up and don't think it's a "what's the point" topic at all. Many women struggle with what your are grappling with right now and this is great place to talk about it.

I started my current job one month before I got my BFP. My position was basically created based on changes in New York state and federal government healthcare requirements. At the moment I am an one-woman department. Most days I dream of really making this facet of the hospital my own and watching it grow. Other days I say "fuck it" maybe I want to be a SAHM. But, personally, I know I would miss working. I've worked really hard to get where I am now and I am proud of my accomplishments and I know there is so much more for me to do in my career.

I think the most important thing for any woman to do is find the balance that suits them and their family. It's not going to be easy so having a support system definitely helps! I talk to my H and my boss about my hopes and my worries as much as possible. Luckily I have full support from both and my job has been very flexible - offering up to four months maternity leave, then transitioning back into work part time, then eventually full time again.

Like PP said do some reading - Lean In, there is also an Atlantic article by Anne-Marie Slaughter called "Why Women Still Can't Have It All" that I recommend. If you google it should be the first result. But also talk to the important people around you - YH, boss, professor, mentor, etc. You will figure out what is best for you.

kella0708 · January 2014

Here is the link to the article I mentioned above. It's long but a great read.

https://m.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/07/why-women-still-cant-have-it-all/309020/

Soap1 · January 2014

RondackHiker said:

So you're worried that having a baby will make it harder to achieve career goals? Well, to be honest, it will.

I definitely agree with this statement, but "harder" doesn't at ALL mean "impossible!" I had my first two kids while I was in graduate school working toward a PhD. The program was longer and harder for me because of it. I thought about quitting so many times because I just didn't know how I could handle being a professional and a mother.

But I finished. And as my kids have gotten older it's been easier to focus on career. I know things are about to get a little bit turned upside down with #3 on the way, but now, I know I can do it. And I know it gets easier.

You'll struggle a lot the first year or so. At first when you have a baby, you become this purely biological being, almost incapable of advanced thought. But you adjust, you learn, you get into the swing of it, and then you get refocused on your career.

It's hard, but you can do it. I've achieved SO much professionally in the past year, and I don't at all feel I've sacrificed my efforts at motherhood for it!

SuzyQq02 · January 2014

This is one of my biggest fears about becoming a mom. I've always known I wanted children, but I never really anticipated how important my career would be to me.
I'm not necessarily worried about not reaching specific goals, per se, since I'm happy with how my career has developed so far, but what I do is a huge part of who I am, and expanding my definition to include mom will invariably leave me less time, energy, and all of that to also be a good therapist.

Add to that that my field, while incredibly rewarding, isn't the most financially lucrative, we will likely be faced with some tough choices about my career when we decide to expand beyond this first kiddo.

I know in many ways I'm putting the cart before the horse and can and will take things as they come, but you're definitely not alone in being uneasy about the transition!

cauliflowereyes · January 2014

This kind of thing has certainly crossed my mind too, although less in regards to work/career, and more in the arena of how some of my personal tendancies will meld with going from footloose and fancy free to full-time mom. It's a serious transition - I think most women dwell at least a bit on how motherhood will affect important aspects of their lives!

Even though I've crossed a lot of things off of my "Before Baby Bucket List" so to speak, and this is the year that my husband and I crossed our fingers and hope hope hoped for a baby, I know I've still got a few personal things to work on. Spontaneity when it comes to everyday life - little things, like the ability to take off on an adventure for a weekend or week, or suddenly decide that 10pm on a Wednesday would be a great time to go on a mission for Thai food, for example - simply doesn't lend itself all that well to late pregnancy or caring for a newborn! The ability to rein in my personal wishes and freedom without feeling disappointment is something I have to work on, I admit. And yep, I do worry about it sometimes.

I'm definitely positive about it though. I think getting some of our worries out and discussing it is one of the best things we can do. Your commitment to career aspirations though, like past posters have said, is a great thing to have, and you can still make them happen! The drive to make goals and follow your dreams is a fantastic asset to have as a parent, and sets a good example for your LO too!

Mazingmommyof6 · January 2014

I can say for me having my children gave me a greater purpose to be more driven to achieve my goals. Harder? Yes, in some ways but preventing me from achieving my goals? Not at all

boogerbearoriginal · January 2014

Hg45 said:

I don't get the point of this post. Frankly, I think it's a little late to worry about that. Anything is possible and the truth is you won't know what will be of priority for you until after the baby comes. Some moms are quiet comfortable leaving their kids with nannys and day care and concentrate on their careers while some don't. There is no right or wrong and makes no sense in questioning that at this point. Plus if I tell you I am worried about my career how does that help you? How I manage my career and my baby has no relevance to how you would do it.

Surely you see the value in sharing ways that others have handled balancing work/family life, right? And the reassurance from hearing that others have worried about these things and made it through. The OP read to me like a person who is very concerned about how a major life event, in this case having a baby, will impact her life. I don't see how that's a pointless thing to post about.

Certainly not every detail will be the same, no two lives are, but you may as well say why even have this message board, since your pregnancy is going to be different than mine what's the point in discussing that?

Anyway, to the OP - I worry about how #2 will change things and try to just remember that with #1 it was hard especially at first but we found our routine and things do work themselves out. Similar to how on your first day at work it was overwhelming and now it's old hat, you find your groove. IME people make time for what's important to them. So if your career is important, you will find a way to give it the time and attention it needs while still balancing family life. Sure it can be difficult at times, but like PPs said having a great support system is vital. You may be surprised how quickly things just become "life" and you get through without much thought.

[Deleted User] · January 2014

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jpoindahouse · January 2014

I just wanted to respond and say I've read through all of the posts and thanks for some of the suggestions/anecdotes. It is helpful to know that others have been through this and still managed to go back to school/have a fulfilling career
Edit I'm also taking the suggestion about buying lean in and I am considering maybe talking to a professional about my worries

TessyMessy · January 2014

WildFlower26 said:

The truth is it can be a very delicate balance depending on your profession, lifestyle, and partner. I struggle with maintaining this balance everyday. But I love my career, and I love my kids, so my H and I make it work. Honestly, I find pregnancy to be more challenging than motherhood, but that is just me!

This is exactly what I wanted to say. It took me 4 years of being a working mother to realize that my priorities will change like the wind and that is OK. Sometimes I need to stay home with my son when he is sick or leave work early to go to an event at school. Other times I am away traveling for work and miss my family. My house is not always spotless and there is usually a pile of laundry somewhere that needs attention. DH and I have skipped town and went on a cruise to reconnect-- DS stayed with my parents. You can be an amazing mother, a fantastic wife, a dedicated employee/student and not compromise anything.

The most important thing is to not let yourself feel guilty when work may take priority over your family, or the dirt piles up on the floor at home, or the workload is backed up on your desk. I don't believe there is a perfect formula for the work-life balance. You just have to be flexible and balance everything as it comes.

Some women seem to do this flawlessly, I am not one of them. I can tell you that I get stressed sometimes and want to run screaming but its all these things (my kid(s), husband, home, and job) that I love more than anything and keep me somewhat grounded and I would trade it for the world.

boogerbearoriginal · January 2014

Another thing I think is worth mentioning, even if you never have kids, life rarely turns out the way we expect/plan. Career paths shift/change for all sorts of reasons, and that's ok. I am not in the place I thought I'd be when I was 20yrs old imagining my 30s, but I like where I'm at.

Accepting that we can't always plan everything is a huge help in balance life's ups/downs.

JoCountry · January 2014

Thanks ladies for your stories. I never expected to be the primary breadwinner for my family, but here I am. And I work in a very seasonal business so my job can be extremely demanding, and I am the only woman in my field having children I know of. So, I worry about this all the time. DH and I also ranch on the side, so trying to imagine my weekends chasing cows, fixing fence and hauling hay with a infant in tow...we shall see. There is no point to my post, other then my own stress, but I am glad we are talking about this!

RedSoxGirl10 · January 2014

I am definitely worried about this too. I put a lot of time and effort into my job and I'm worried I won't be able to do as much when I have a baby. I will say that I'm less worried recently because many friends at work have just recently had a child and I think they have managed to balance it well and it's given me home that it is all possible. Of course, I expect it will take some time

LibbyVille · January 2014

bribbon said:

RondackHiker said:
So you're worried that having a baby will make it harder to achieve career goals? Well, to be honest, it will.

I mean, you're adding another major priority to your life. That makes it trickier to balance or juggle things. That's just how it works. Like if you worked two jobs you wouldn't be able to put in as much overtime at job A and advance as quickly.

You'll have to find your own balance once baby comes. That balance is completely unique for each family, since babies and moms and dads and careers vary so much.

I have several mom friends who put themselves through medical school. Three started with kids (one as a single mom). Three had babies during school. All are now residents. One who had a baby during school is now a single mom (her H was a jerk, it wasn't related to how busy she was) and she's a surgical intern at one of the top programs in the US. They love their children and are loved by their children, and working toward their dreams. I'm sure it's much harder than if they didn't have kids, but it's doable.
I finished with the realization that the scope of some of my goals and dreams was incompatible with the family balance I needed. So over time I developed new goals and dreams that make me just as happy, if not happier, because I get to also be a wife and a mom.

I do not feel at all like I've compromised or downplayed my dreams, I just had to get creative when it came to a life plan that really did meet my needs.

I love this. I finished my Master's after DD arrived while working full time. My goals have definitely changed after having DD but it doesn't feel like a sacrifice. I am focused on what will work best for our family given our current situation.

ufsandra85 · January 2014

yes, definitely. I am in the military and everyone keeps telling me when i have this baby i wont want to be in the military anymore. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my career. I was a SATW for almost 2 years and I was miserable, absolutely miserable. I am made to have a career and not stay home. I fear having babies will stop me from volunteering for the HARD assignments which will help me promote faster, I am afraid of deploying and coming home to children that don't now me, I am afraid for my husband's career because in 1.5 years he retires from the military and i know how hard it is to to follow a military spouse around and leave your job every 3 years. I want to promote, i want to excel but I also dont want to miss out on my child's life. it is a hard balance that i think about every day.

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