Guilt over child support vent.....

MaggieF516 · January 2014

I don't know where else to post this and no one else seems to understand, so thought someone here might. My ex and I were never married and we have an 18 month old. Our relationship deteriorated from the day I got pregnant, even though it was not an unplanned pregnancy. I found out he had lied to me extensively about his past and I also have evidence he was cheating (which he still denies to this date). I put a private investigator on him and he met up with an ex and went to her hotel. I kicked him out the next day. He also did nothing to help out with our son the first year as he was allegedly working 80 hrs a week and was literally never home. I was so hurt over these actions that I knew we could never have an amicable future and I filed for custody and child support. We seperated when our son was a year. He is a pathological liar with most likely narcissistic personality disorder, so I really wanted to just go through the court system and not deal with him. He has been awful about me going through court.. He keeps calling me a greedy bitch and if he wants us to ever get along, I will pull it out of court.

It's awful but I feel so much guilt over bringing him to court for child support. I loved this man so much, I thought I would marry him and it just seems so awful that it is at this point. He does contribute (pays his mom $200/wk to watch our son and he gives me $500/per month, however, the child support calculator says he owes $500 per week as he makes a great deal of money). I just feel so awful about needing to bring this to court. My family pressured me a lot. I make a decent income as well, but we live in a very high cost of living area. He says he shouldn't have to pay anything because I make $100k per year, but obviously that's not how the law works.

I know I need to keep going forward with this, but I feel awful for some reason. He has treated me horribly and here I am guilty over bring him to court. Has anyone else felt this way? Just venting and wondering if anyone could relate.

MinnesotaMomma91 · January 2014

So let me get this straight. You feel bad because you are doing the right thing?

Well you are doing the right thing. Keep going through the courts, cause he will screw you if you dont.

Also yes, you loved him. Yes it sucks he cheated, lied and in general was a douche canoe but now is the time to be stronger then the suck. Because by feeling bad because you have these feelings ia whats giving him the ability to manipulate you. So dont let him in.

Dont talk to him unless its about the child, document everything, and you bethe bigger person.

Finally, welcome to the board. Join in post. Be a contributing member of the board. This is a great place to come for support.

20thirteen · January 2014

Vent away, lady

I do have to admit that I'm jealous of your income. I make about a quarter of that a year.

Anyway, don't let him manipulate you. He wants to get his way and only his way, which doesn't work if you both are agreeing to co-parent. My ex was bugging me for time with my DD around Christmas and when I told him a day to come by, he disappeared. That's what a lot of us deal with here, but there are the exceptions. I wish I could tag them here to respond but I have a hard time remembering who is dealing with CS and who isn't.

Like PP said, document everything. It's just more legal mumbo-jumbo that you may need further down the road (in case he decides to try and get full custody or something). If he wants to talk to you about anything other then your child, tell him you're not interested and hang up. This will make him mad but also less able to try to make you feel like a "greedy bitch".

Rae1105 · January 2014

I agree with PPs, document document document. I screenshot every text message conversation we have because he will not email me and I can't document what is said in a phone call.

As much as you loved him, you have to take care of your child. Your income means nothing, it is not your sole responsibility to take care of your son.

You say he has borderline narcissistic personality disorder, that right there is the reason you feel guilty. My BD has the exact same thing and he has manipulated and twisted everything around him to make himself out to be the victim and that he is entitled to everything and can do no wrong. He still has some form of control if you are still feeling guilty, and I only say that because I am battling the same thing.

jesuisfatiguee · January 2014

Girl, I feel you. I struggle daily over the fact that I filed for child support. I make a little more money than my son's bio dad (far, far less than 100k, though) and I feel like I should be sending some of it back because I know he and his mom (neither of whom will speak to me and apparently think I'm the devil) struggle from time to time. Sure, I struggle, too, but... kinda like you said, I loved this man. I still care about him, and I truly wish him the best. I know he could really use the money he sends us every week. It's just a tough situation.

One suggestion I saw on another post a long time ago was that you could put all the extra money into a savings account or trust for your LO if you feel guilty for spending it (like I do).

Gamera3000 · January 2014

Agree with PPs. You also might want to consider going to therapy to recover from this guy. That sort tends to target smart professional women and then afterwards you're left feeling confused and self doubting. There's a book called "the sociopath next door" that might help.

tig594 · January 2014

Agree with PPs. Easier said than done, but don't feel guilty for making your child's father support your child. You didn't make this baby alone. You shouldn't have to support your child alone no matter how much money you make.

jokimoto · January 2014

i completely understand where you're coming from. My xh makes a lot more money than I do, but since I postponed my education to put him through school, he is paying me maintenance, which I feel guilty about. I do however need the money, but I know between my maintenance and CS that its a lot more money than he thought. I look at as this is all part of the consequences from the decisions he made. He is not trying to manipulate me and that's just wrong and a real jerky thing to do. The courts make the whole thing easier, the state just takes the money out of his pay checks and sends it to you. He doesn't have to give you a check or figure out how to get you the money (although I'm guessing that aspect of it is more a draw back to him). I'm not completely sure, but it may also make it easier for him to write it off on his taxes. Those collecting CS pay taxes on it, those giving it write it off (at least in IL). As a PP said you can always stash it away, which in the long run would be an awesome gift for your LO later in life. You should not feel guilty at all. If you two were still together, he would contributing monetarily to the care of his child, no matter how much money you make. It is still part of what goes along with being a parent, kids aren't cheap. Welcome to the board! I'm mobil and things seem to be weird, sorry.

cautionwillburneyes · January 2014

Interesting, in SD the person paying the child support pays the taxes on it, not the person receiving it.

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