Anyone decide after a high maintenance baby?

bloverde · November 2013

I've lurked a couple times but never posted. Before having my little man, I thought I wanted 3-4 kids. I loved being pregnant, and I would love to do it again. But then came my son....

Colic. Reflux. Milk and soy allergic. Terrible sleeper. Constantly needed to be held and walked. He's 17mo, still breast fed, still allergic dairy and soy (so I still don't eat them). I still have to pump at work to maintain supply. He still wakes 2-3 times per night even after night weaning. Up until last month he was up every 3 hours. He's still on meds for reflux. I know in the grand scheme of things, he could have much more serious health issues and we could be worse off.

Has anyone decided to be OAD because they fear that another child would be like their first? I feel awful saying that, because I love him more than anything. It makes me sad to think about never being pregnant again, but I fear for my mental health if it's the same again. I joke that he's trying really hard to be an only child, and people always say there's no way another could be as bad. I don't know if I would have more regrets not having another or having another child like my son.

meo34 · November 2013

I did not experience this personally but know a couple who did decide on OAD for this reason. They love their son of course but he was not an easy baby and is a strong willed child. So for them they decided like you to be OAD for their sanity!

PhantomPower · November 2013

Cooper had awful reflux but only until ~10 months or so. It was one of the smaller factors that led to our ultimate decision to be OAD. It wasn't until recently that I stopped getting shaky when I heard a baby crying/screaming on TV because so much of the first year was endless screaming.

TiffanyBerry · November 2013

This is my husband's reason. At 3.5yrs old, DD still doesn't sleep through the night. I still cosleep with her at least half the night. She wasn't night weaned until 3yrs old. She had reflux as a baby and it took an hour of bouncing her in a swaddle while she sucked on one of our fingers to get her to sleep at all - even naps. She nursed constantly, and she always had to be held. He doesn't want to deal with that sleeplessness and need again.

Don't get me wrong - we both love our daughter. She is, personality wise, awesome. But OMG! SO TAXING as a baby, and still is in the sleep department.

So he's sitting somewhat firmly on the OAD side. I still want another, but have serious reservations because of the infant time period.

meo34 · November 2013

Sounds like my friends for sure. They say they did now sleep for 3 years and the crying was non stop. And yes they love him to pieces but know their limits.

Tink112011 · November 2013

My DS wasn't as high maintenance as the OP, but high maintenance enough to influence our OAD decision. He was a bad sleeper until 1 year old (which I know isn't THAT bad), and just very clingy and needy as an infant. I see other babies that are so content and can just be laid on a blanket... not my child.

I know that I could not manage another infant like my DS and have a young child at the same time. I would lose my mind.

DiveFrog · November 2013

We haven't made a final decision on whether or not to have another, but aside from the reflux, DD was very much like your son. She was very high maintenance (constant touch, constant nursing, horrible sleep). It used to take 2-3hrs of bouncing/swaying, swaddled, in a dark room with a very loud fan just to get her to sleep. She has finally hit a stretch where she will actually consistently sleep through the night now at 17months, but it still took an hour to get her to sleep last night.

I am not naïve enough, or in denial about whether we could have another baby just like DD the next time around. It could most definitely happen. Mentally I swing between "OMG I really don't ever want to go thru that first year again", to "It was so difficult, but we made it! It is already so much better. Wouldn't a difficult and challenging 2yrs be worth it to have the opportunity to spend a lifetime with another amazing person like DD?"

Because as high maintenance as DD still is and was that first year, she has always been a tremendously happy, joy filled little person. She has an awesome personality. Also, for me anyway, the first year was so hard because her needs were just so high, and she required so much 'more' than most babies. DD wasn't a baby that was a constant screamer/always crying no matter what you did. She was easy in that sense. If you met her need and did with her what she wanted she was always content. If this had not been the case we would definitely have made a decision already to be OAD.

bloverde · November 2013

Thanks ladies. When he turned 6mo, he turned into a sweet little guy with a good personality. Before that, he would scream his head off for hours whenever he was awake. I nearly had a breakdown when I went back to work at 6 weeks because he wouldn't sleep anywhere but on my chest. And I tried so hard so many times to fix that. There were also people who basically blamed me for him being high needs, so that was an added stress and made me want to punch those people in the face.

I just don't know if I could survive the first months and then the years of sleep deprivation again. I'm also a resident going into fellowship, so I work 80 hours per week. The exhaustion was soul crushing. It truly isolated me from everything except my baby and husband.

PB102012 · November 2013

Our LO was a challenge at first but has gotten so much better.... (She is 2.5 months). I haven't ever been one to be able to function on little sleep and struggled when we had to wake LO throughout the night to feed her. I am so happy with her, but I don't have a desire to go through it again, not to mention that my pregnancy was challenging, and her birth was a surprise (last minute c section- breech). We have decided to be OAD because we are happy with our little girl growing up, but don't want to go through everything again.

cedenton · November 2013

Mine was only high maintenance for the first few weeks (aren't they all at that age), but we were so woefully unprepared mentally (neither of us had ever been around babies) that it was very jarring. Throw in terrible spitting up from reflux (the pain/crying ended around 3 weeks on medicine), the stress of slow weight gain and failed bf'ing and that's why we've said we're OAD (oh, and we really can't afford 2 in daycare).
But in retrospect he's actually a fairly easy baby. Started sleeping stretches at 6 wks, but due to the weight issue we had to wake to feed him once/night until 5 months. He's mostly a happy, affection, fun child. He transitions well, likes people, and isn't afraid of much.
Again, we just had no idea what we were in for with a newborn. I mean you can "know", but there's nothing like the experience.

ETA: So originally it was I don't want another newborn and then it became, well now we know he's actually pretty easy so we might get screwed next time. LOL

Divallyn · November 2013

Our son wasn't easy but not hard either. He had breast feeding issues, chronic severe eczema (that lead to waking 5-6 times per night over a 3 month period) and now has allergies and asthma but really the deciding factor was seeing how my body responded to giving birth. I had PPD and had completely lost the ability to fall asleep which made the PPD way worse. I know my limits and I can't go back there.

chardonnay24 · November 2013

We had a really easy baby and a really high maintenance toddler. He is possibly on the autism spectrum, and we are busy between therapy visits and evaluations. He has a lot of behavioral concerns as well. We are definitely OAD because of that. I wanted at least one or two more when he was a baby.

this decaf life · December 2013

DD wasn't even that bad but I worry about lack of sleep with a newborn if it is anything like DD and then handling DD as a toddler. She's awesome and obviously worth it but I worry that I wouldn't be able to handle a second child.

scrappingcat · December 2013

Ours was high maintenance as well which contributed significantly to our decision. I could not imagine going through that again if a second child had a similar demeanor. I would also feel terrible for DS as he would have one stressed Momma!!

ali76 · January 2014

DD is 3 1/2 and still very, very high maintenance and is *ALWAYS* on the go. Can rarely take her to stores, have taken her to a restaurant maybe twice, still co-sleep... She's fun, sweet, spunky and incredibly happy, but her being so high maintenance is the reason I'm leaning towards being OAD.

bloverde · January 2014

We have now added even more medical issues: lead poisoning, low iron, dog bite, speech delay. He isn't even a child with a serious medical condition that requires specialized care, but I'm at my limit. I never have pangs of wanting another little squish now, and when I think of our family in the future I see the three of us traveling, visiting family, and sharing a modest life. I'm thinking spring is a great time to have a giant baby stuff garage sale!

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