How do you remember your baby while PAL? (Living children mentioned)

stefuge · January 2014

So, just curious, what sort of things do you PAL moms do to make your angel baby a part of your living child/children's lives? My DS is only 3 1/2 and our loss was only 4 months ago, so for us, it is still all very fresh, and DS talks about baby Colton quite frequently (a small AW moment - most recently DS and DH were talking about nicknames and giving nicknames to everyone: Nana, Papa, Mommy, Daddy, and without missing a beat, DS asks "What would baby Colton's nickname be?"). I'm just curious if there are any traditions you do to remember your baby, or how big a part your baby plays in your day to day life with your other children? I want DS to know he is a big brother, but I worry that Colton will be forgotten.

Edited: sorry bumped the wrong button!

tuscanbride2007 · January 2014

My DD was just about the same age as your son when her little sister was stillborn. We have never shied away from talking about her sister and whenever she brings her up, we always welcome her questions and statements about her sister who lives in heaven. For Annabelle's angelversary, we had a birthday party for her where we baked cupcakes and sang happy birthday to her. My BFF takes care of her when she is not in school and never shies away from the conversation. It is nice having friends who are supportive and allow her talk about it. My BFF also made a canvas of my DD's handprint that looks like a rose (what we associate our Annabelle with) that says, "Annabelle Leigh, my little sister." It hangs in DD's room and she sees it every day.

It really hasn't been until these last 6 months or so that DD has really been bringing her up on regular basis. It is as if a light switch has gone off and she truly gets what it means. It can be heartbreaking at times but it has also helped me heal.

angelsnight · January 2014

Ticker warning

I'm not PAL yet, but I definitely want our rainbow to know about our angel once she's old enough to understand (though we'll begin talk of her sister very young so it's just knowledge she's always had).

Our rainbow is due just days before Kayla's angelversary, so Boo's (our rainbow) birthday will be celebrated, but then on our angel's heavenly birthday I'd like to do a balloon release, just the three of us at the cemetery each year. We also plan to adopt a grave (where you choose an older, run down babies grave, clean it up, leave flowers) at her birthdays, so Boo can also learn about doing for others.

Our angel had a stuffed animal at her grave up until the weather got really nasty, so we decided to retire it, bring it home and wash it. We decided each Christmas, we'll get her a new one so she has something in her stocking, so as Boo gets older it will be her job to help pick out Kayla's new stuffed animal for the year. She'll also be in charge of keeping it safe until spring to take it out to her, and she can play with the retired ones, but she'll know they're extra special and cannot be taken outside and gotten dirty.

I hope this helps her feel closer to the sister she never know, and at the same time make her feel important by having these jobs and responsibility for her sister's things. I'm worried about trying to balance keeping Kayla's memory alive and letting Boo " know" her sister, and not making Boo feel like she's living in Kayla's shadow.

Dixon813 · January 2014

~Siggy Warning~

I have a stepson who is 7 and we incorporate the triplets in a lot of family traditions and I've learned to be more open with talking about them with him. For example - we get him a new ornament every year when we decorate the tree. We also decided to get the trips a new ornament, so he gets to open their ornament and put in on the tree. I made the trips special candles for Christmas with their initials on them and had them on our mantel throughout the season. I also got stockings for them...

It's really difficult for me, because I want them to be present in our life, but I don't want to overwhelm him, if that makes sense. Our loss was 7+ months ago, so we're still working it out and seeing what feels right.

An AW moment - when SS was doing a project for school that had to incorporate a symbol for everyone in your family (can be really confusing when he has two blended families...) HE was the one that said the babies needed a symbol and said it should be angel wings! (still makes me tear up!)

Hugs to you!

sunflwra · January 2014

Brynn just turned 2 and our loss was 7 weeks ago. She was old enough to notice my belly changing, etc while I was pregnant but not old enough to truly understand that we were going to be bringing a little brother home so I don't think it's something we'll really talk about with her until she's older (she's basically in that out of sight/out of mind stage). I'm honestly thankful for that because, as much as I know we'll have to explain things like this to her at some point, I'm ok with not having to do it this young.

We received a sweet little Willow Tree figurine of a child with a balloon that says HOPE which we currently have sitting on a family photo shelf in our family room. At first it was put there until we could figure out where to put it but now I think we may keep it there and that will always be our reminder and way of sharing it with our children as they grow.

stefuge · January 2014

tuscanbride2007 said:

My DD was just about the same age as your son when her little sister was stillborn. We have never shied away from talking about her sister and whenever she brings her up, we always welcome her questions and statements about her sister who lives in heaven. For Annabelle's angelversary, we had a birthday party for her where we baked cupcakes and sang happy birthday to her. My BFF takes care of her when she is not in school and never shies away from the conversation. It is nice having friends who are supportive and allow her talk about it. My BFF also made a canvas of my DD's handprint that looks like a rose (what we associate our Annabelle with) that says, "Annabelle Leigh, my little sister." It hangs in DD's room and she sees it every day.

It really hasn't been until these last 6 months or so that DD has really been bringing her up on regular basis. It is as if a light switch has gone off and she truly gets what it means. It can be heartbreaking at times but it has also helped me heal.

I love the idea of having a birthday party for Annabelle's angelversary - I definitely think that is something young children can relate to. And that canvas with the rose sounds so adorable - what a thoughtful gift.

stefuge · January 2014

Dixon813 said:

~Siggy Warning~

I have a stepson who is 7 and we incorporate the triplets in a lot of family traditions and I've learned to be more open with talking about them with him. For example - we get him a new ornament every year when we decorate the tree. We also decided to get the trips a new ornament, so he gets to open their ornament and put in on the tree. I made the trips special candles for Christmas with their initials on them and had them on our mantel throughout the season. I also got stockings for them...

It's really difficult for me, because I want them to be present in our life, but I don't want to overwhelm him, if that makes sense. Our loss was 7+ months ago, so we're still working it out and seeing what feels right.

An AW moment - when SS was doing a project for school that had to incorporate a symbol for everyone in your family (can be really confusing when he has two blended families...) HE was the one that said the babies needed a symbol and said it should be angel wings! (still makes me tear up!)

Hugs to you!

I think I struggle with worrying about overwhelming him as well. Trying to find the right balance. And I love what your SS did for symbols for your babies - so sweet! I love that. That is what I want for DS - sincere thought and appreciation for his little brother. Thank you for sharing!

stefuge · January 2014

sunflwra said:

Brynn just turned 2 and our loss was 7 weeks ago. She was old enough to notice my belly changing, etc while I was pregnant but not old enough to truly understand that we were going to be bringing a little brother home so I don't think it's something we'll really talk about with her until she's older (she's basically in that out of sight/out of mind stage). I'm honestly thankful for that because, as much as I know we'll have to explain things like this to her at some point, I'm ok with not having to do it this young.
We received a sweet little Willow Tree figurine of a child with a balloon that says HOPE which we currently have sitting on a family photo shelf in our family room. At first it was put there until we could figure out where to put it but now I think we may keep it there and that will always be our reminder and way of sharing it with our children as they grow.

We have done similar - little items and photos around the house that remind us of Colton and prompt conversation with DS about him. It is so hard to try and explain this to someone who is so young! That was one of my biggest fears leaving the hospital - how are we going to explain this to Landon? Thankfully, he took it quite well and whenever he does bring up Colton or ask a question, we make a point to really focus and have a conversation with him about it, how ever much he wants to talk.

OSUWifey09 · January 2014

***SIGGY/rainbow mentioned***

DS was 3 1/2 when we lost Devon, and he honestly was in his own world and not very interested in the baby/my pregnancy. We do talk to him about Devon, he got to see Devon before we had him cremated, and he is a part of any pregnancy/infant loss events that we do [walks, candle lightings etc.]. When he and our rainbow are older, they will know about Devon and how he's not with us anymore, but he's still a part of our family. His memorial box and pictures will always stay in plain sight in our house, and we will always celebrate his angelversary and Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Day.

Eventually, I'm sure we will all talk about the circumstances surrounding his loss, and I anticipate some tough questions after that. I've spent so many nights trying to figure out how to talk to them about their brother, even though we are probably years away from really having an in-depth conversation about his death. I look forward to sharing their brother's short life with them but am also terrified to talk about it.

lrichmond86 · January 2014

For us it's a little different bc dd is our rainbow and wasn't here when ds was stillborn. We have his picture up in our family photo wall and keep a framed picture of him on her bureau. When we look at pictures and name the people in them I always include him, referring to him as "big brother". We've taken her to his grave a couple of times and plan to continue to do so. She's too young to understand right now, but we don't ever want his memory to be weird or sad for her, but a part of the family that's not with us any more.

julesverne · January 2014

**siggy warning**

DD#1 knows that the little boy in the picture is Jack, and when asked who Jack is, she says he is her brother (she has never asked though why Jack isn't here). I try to find a happy medium when it comes to keeping his memory alive. We had a stocking for Jack at Christmas, his picture is always out where she can see it. With Jack's birthday being next week, I have taken the day off work to celebrate him. It is a tradition for me to sing "Happy Birthday" to Jack at 8:04am, and I would like to include DDs in the tradition as well. I try to make it a goal for myself (and hope to instill the same feelings with my other children) to celebrate and focus more on the fact that Jack lived-and not so much that he died. When they are old enough to understand, I will tell them about Jack and hope that they will love him just as much as I do.

How do you remember your baby while PAL? (Living children mentioned)

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