I feel trapped (long)

rooftop · December 2013

I needed to vent and don't have anywhere else I can talk about this. I have been struggling with ppa/ppd and can't bring myself to go see a doctor about it. I've always hated shrinks (I saw a lot as a kid) and prefer chatting with friends I but the only friend I had left after baby came moved a month ago. It's to the point that I usually only get out of bed if I have to use the bathroom, which, TMI, I dread doing since although I'm almost 5 months PP I'm still having issues from an anal fissure and want to scream everytime I go #2. I should go in for that as well but can't bring myself to rack up any more bills. I just want my body and my mind to feel better. Please don't flame me for having a baby when I can't afford it but my financial situation was much differant when I conceived. Due to extreme morning sickness that lasted all but the last month I had to quit my job early and due to my baby refusing to eat from a bottle and me being so emotionally unstable my attempt to go back to work failed miserably. I was the main bread winner so we went from comfortable and debt free to scraping by while piling up bills. I feel like I'm not going to get better on my own but going to see a professional will take even more money we can't afford to spend and make my depression even worse. I just don't know what to do. I find myself thinking "If I just hadn't gotten pregnant" and then feeling even worse of a mom for blaming the baby when I know its not her fault. I just feel trapped.

BlondieBia21 · December 2013

You're not alone. I feel similar to you on most days. All I can suggest is to try your hardest to get up and out of bed. Go outside, walk, eat healthy, try to find a hobby. If you can't go to a therapist, you have to try and make yourself better. I'm a message away if you need someone to talk to.

MitsB707 · January 2014

I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. Maybe try taking baby steps, maybe make small goals for you to accomplish each day. I truly hope things turn around for you. :::hugs:::

MommyAmes2 · January 2014

I am thinking of you. The first step is knowing you need help and reaching out to others. I suffered from PPD with my first. It's a struggle, I know. If you ever need someone to talk to, you can PM me.

Soleil3 · January 2014

Just want to let you know I'm thinking of you, I'm sorry you are struggling

((((hugs))))

bendicott7 · January 2014

Sorry to hear you are having a rough time. Please don't think any less of yourself because of things that happened that you had no control over. You are doing the best you can for your LO and that is what matters. ((hugs))

TurtleMomma · January 2014

Sometimes doctors' offices will do a sliding payment scale for visits, maybe look into that.

As for the "back door" problems, I have those, too. Misery, thy name is hemorrhoids/anal fissures. I take a combination of stool softeners twice a day and mira-lax once a day and it definitely helps.

I am right there with you on the PPD/PPA. I've been struggling with my own demons prior to baby, but since then it's been a whole new ball game. I'm anxious about things I'd never thought of before, and old things that I thought I'd gotten over have flared back up.

One thing my psychiatrist and I have talked about a lot is what kind of expectations I have for myself, and this may be helpful for you, too.

Set yourself a goal each day and do it. Just one to start. It can be as simple as move from the bed to the couch, or picking up 3 pieces of dirty clothing off the floor. Nothing that should take more than 5 minutes. Keep doing it each day. It is designed to build your confidence.

Avoid "should" statements ("I should be doing dishes", "I should be vacuuming the living room", etc). If you do something, it is because you choose to do it, not because you should.

Can you expect PPD/PPA to just disappear? No. It's going to take time. You're going to have good days and bad days. You're going to have one-step-forward-two-steps-back days. Allow yourself these things.

Keep a support group! See what kind of moms groups are in your area (your goal for a day can be to google moms groups in your areas). Talking to people regularly helps (you are welcome to PM me at any time).

And remember that you are not alone. Ever. You are NOT an island.

Also, if you need it, a PPD crisis line:

800-PPD-MOMS (800-773-6667)

It is always there for you. It's free. And yes, I have called them several times before.

rooftop · January 2014

thank you everyone! It is really encouraging to know I'm not alone in this. I know I can conquer this obstacle eventually and just need to keep reminding myself that this too shall pass. I tend to feell like an outsider with groups and it truly is touching to know you ladies took notice and cared enough to take time and write.
Maritza707Soleil3bendicott7 thank you for the hugs. they are much needed
@MommyAmes2 @BlondieBia21 and @TurtleMama thank you for the offer of an ear if needed. I'm sure I will take you up on those offers when I have other rough days.
@somebodysmama21 I'll try finding extra money to do that. problem is there won't be any until I get back to work. We don't really have enough for food at the moment. I've had to hit the food bank up a couple times

@TurtleMama thank you for that number and I will try the one goal a day.

Soleil3 · January 2014

Go check out your local health department/ social services office once they open again in the new year, thats what its there for. I'm pretty sure if you qualify for WIC that they have resources for PPD that shouldn't cost you a dime. Don't feel bad about it, a lot of people are in a low point financially and thats what the programs are there for.

sftbllstr87 · January 2014

I'm new to this forum but just wanted to say that there are so many resources out there for people that are in a tough spot, if you need help with food or heating bills, day care, finding a job and medical bills! These services are there for people like you that are great people just under hard times! When you feel sad and stressed just think about that beautiful baby of yours. Things might be tough now but they will get better. Your baby needs her momma to be strong! She will grow up learning from you, show her that even when things get tough there's always a way to make it better.

I feel trapped (long)

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