WWTACLD: Help! TMI WARNING

megrae12 · January 2014

OK, so I have been going back and forth all day on how to approach this and to be honest I got nothing. I thought I would broach this with you lovely ladies and see how y'all would handle this. For those with weak stomachs: This is really gross but there is really no way around it. Please forgive me.

*******************************************************************************************************

*Deep breath* Ok, here is what is going on. I came home yesterday and found MIL sprawled out on our couch while I am lugging in groceries for last night's dinner. She came over and spent the night to watch the game. She had her crap everywhere and I asked her why she hadn't taken it back to the guest room. Her response? She was waiting on H to do it. *This is my first complaint*

The second came when I went to our room to change clothes. I went into our bathroom and there was shit in our toilet and on our TOILET SEAT!! I wish I was joking, I wish there was another way to say it. I was livid!! I walked out of the room practically spitting fire! I asked MIL if she used our bathroom, she said yes. I then told her she didnt flush (I wanted to give her a chance to come clean). She gave some vague apology and went back to reading. I walked up to H and told him what she did. He couldnt really do much b/c (bless him) he was getting burgers ready to grill outside. I had to get cleaning stuff and clean HER SHIT OFF OUR TOILET!! It was on the seat and down the front!!! HOW??

I asked her if she had diarrhea and she said yes and I told her she got it everywhere. Again, a vague apology and a barely disguised half-hearted attempt to clean it. At this point I had already cleaned it, but OH My God!! I just do not get it. At all!!

Here is a little background on MIL. She is not all there in the upstairs. She is on more meds than anyone I know. However, b/c of some things per her doc, she is off everything. Even her anit-depressants. So this cannot be a side effect of medicine can it? I just, I am at a loss as to how to go about any of this. If I have my way she wont ever come into my house again, but, since, that is prolly not feasible, how do I approach this? How on Earth do I tell H I dont think his mom is capable of living by herself? How do we tell her??? Please, Please, Please, Help!!

I know that was a lot and super gross, I would offer some sort of treat but I am sure your stomachs are turning. So many ((Hugs)) tho, and you can flame me if I am overreacting.

kbedfox · January 2014

That's YH's territory since it's his mom. That is foul and unacceptable behavior for an adult, whether she's on meds or not. Being off the meds might be the issue though-- you'll probably never know for sure unless you are somehow able to talk to her doctor, but I doubt that would happen. Does YH have any siblings with any idea what's going on with her? If she's doing that to your house, I can't imagine how she's able to take care of her own.
((((Hugs)))) I'm really sorry you had to deal with that on your own! Hopefully YH can talk to his mom and lay some ground rules, or at least get an apology.

megrae12 · January 2014

@HoldinOutHope Going to her house and seeing her is a slight problem, she lives about an hour away. She has someone who cleans her house, so I have no idea what they deal with.

@natsfan84 H has a brother but he lives in Indiana. Not any help at all for this. I really want to call MIL's sister and tell her what happened. I think it's time to have the you cant live alone talk and really back it up. Sigh*

luciddreamer106 · January 2014

Wow. I think you handled the situation really well. I think it would be best if your husband had a serious conversation with her about it since it's his mom and he would know the best way to approach her behavior. It's possible that the apathy and difficulty taking care of herself could be a symptom of her depression.

I agree with HoldingOutHope that maybe YH could accompany her to her next doctor's appointment. Her doctor only knows what he/she sees and what she tells him/her, so the doctor may not be getting the full story.

jap618 · January 2014

Oh wow that's so hard! I agree that having DH talk to her about most of this would be appropriate. I also think bring in her sister would be helpful. These are not typical behaviors and could easily be a result of mental instability/medication changes (I hope... I don't know her at all..). I hope you guys can find support (personal and medical) and get her help. Good luck!

Drgn30 · January 2014

Oh girl, you're dealing with a lot. I believe this is an issue for DH because MIL is not your mother. You are not responsible for her. You certainly have no obligation to house her or clean up after her. I recommend voicing your opinions to DH and strategize with him about how HE can have the convo with his mother.

angelaclev · January 2014

megrae12 said:

@HoldinOutHope Going to her house and seeing her is a slight problem, she lives about an hour away. She has someone who cleans her house, so I have no idea what they deal with.

@natsfan84 H has a brother but he lives in Indiana. Not any help at all for this. I really want to call MIL's sister and tell her what happened. I think it's time to have the you cant live alone talk and really back it up. Sigh*

Just be careful when you have that talk. I know that if I had that talk with MIL she would try to move in with us.

megrae12 · January 2014

angelaclevenger said:

*snip*

Just be careful when you have that talk. I know that if I had that talk with MIL she would try to move in with us.

That is what I am worried about! She has stayed with us before after a surgery and it was awful! H and I tend to squabble and fight when she is around b/c she runs H ragged making him do stuff for her. Then she tries to pit us against each other, it's just a terrible situation all around. The thing is, though, she is a super nice lady and genuinely concerned for us, etc. I feel like I am in between a rock and hard place.

HorseLover11 · January 2014

I'm so sorry. I actually have my mil living with us right now as she had a rough patch with being on too many meds. DH did go meet with all her docs to understand what was going on as the docs didn't care to see if there we the certain meds that shouldn't be taken with others. She's now off the major pain meds and it took about 2 weeks to have her feel herself again (amazingly fast recovery in my opinion) I didn't see her for the first week though so maybe it was relate able to what you're dealing with.
can I ask what types of meds she took and what her background is? Its obvious her behavior is not of someone who is sane. Is it possible for her to move closer so you can keep an eye on her?

Eliz77 · January 2014

Not really the same thing, but MIL had an Aunt who went through something similar. She was much older though, but same bathroom…"habits"…every time she visited. Finally, MIL sat down with her other 3 Aunts and insisted they had to do something. They found a senior living care for that Aunt to move into. I don't know all the details, but she clearly had some problems. I guess my advice to you is to have your husband speak with her Dr to find out what her health issues are and what sorts of medications/treatments she requires. Hopefully a Dr can provide some insight as far as what would be a better living situation for her since she clearly cannot take care of herself. At the very least, maybe your H can go to a Dr appointment with her and figure out exactly what is going on health wise and if she needs more help, and that will be the deciding factor?

But one thing that stands out to me, your H is the one who will have to make some decisions and has to recognize she needs help.

MrsG80inTN · January 2014

Oh friend! I'm sorry! I don't have much experience but I definitely think a good conversation with DH is necessary... Maybe some role playing about how he can have the conversation? Maybe also voicing that you know it wot be helpful for her to live with you all due to your feelings and also if she is that bad now what will it be like when you have kids? I'm so sorry you've had to out up with this ;( I will keep trying to think of ideas.

Frenchteachermama · January 2014

I have been in therapy for 2 years because of my MIL and my husband and I have had a lot of marital problems because of her. It wasn't until we moved 6 hours away that life is finally getting better...Men and their mothers, I should write a book on this.

I'm worried because it seems like she has a lot of other medical issues. It's a tough situation because it is his mother but she is not YOUR mother and you should not have to clean up after her, especially not her poo!!!!!! Yuck. I agree with PP that this is DH's problem but he's going to need some help and support to get through this. It sounds to me like its time to talk about an assisted living facility. They have many levels of them. We moved my grandma into one recently and she's thrilled with it.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else!!!!!

rubysi · January 2014

Wow... I am sorry I have no advice just some >:D<

LizBlue · January 2014

Yikes. First of all- good job so far. You have kept it together in a way I'm not sure i could.

This is tough because there is love and respect for YH and his relationship with his mom. But at the same time it is completely ok (and healthy) to create boundaries and a healthy living situation.

No real advice other than having an open and respectful conversation with YH. It sounds like he will be receptive but I do believe its he that needs to take the lead here.

((Hugs)) to you.

peggels24 · January 2014

((Hugs)) I don't have any advice except that I agree a long conversation with DH needs to be had. I feel so bad that you had to clean that up...and more than slightly impressed....burgers or no burgers....DH would have been scrubbing that bathroom. T&Ps to you hon.

Belle3184 · January 2014

Oh megrae I'm so sorry! That is an awful situation to be in. I have MIL issues as well and I know they can cause some serious problems, so I feel your pain.

I would have flipped over the toilet incident. I can't handle that shit, literally. So unacceptable.

Some things I have learned in dealing with mil issues and trying to keep DH and my relationship in one piece is honesty is really the best policy. Be very straightforward with your DH. Also, let him be the one to deal with the issues as much as possible. His mom=his responsibility. It's okay to let him bear the burden. It's also okay to tell him your frustrations (in a calm, nice way). I made the mistake of bottling things up and then exploding one day, not a good thing and I don't recommend it.

Good luck!

dajhughes · January 2014

Oh.my goodness ... I don't have any further advice to add to the above. Just lot and lots of (((HUGS))))

stefuge · January 2014

Oh, I am so sorry you had to deal with that! I have no further advice, just props for handling it as well as you did! ((Hugs))

carlsonbaby2014 · January 2014

((((Hugs)))). Sorry you have to deal with this but it sounds like you've handled everything very well. I agree with PP that you should encourage your DH to lead in a conversation with her to check that you all are on the same page.

alm288 · January 2014

Oh my - I think you handled the situation very well! I agree with the other ladies. I think it's time to have a heart-to-heart talk with your H . . . although it's going to be an extremely sensitive topic. I would suggest involving your MIL's sister and your BIL. I think they would want to know what was going on. It's best to start dealing with it now before anything else happens.

I think your H should also go to the next dr appt and find out exactly what is going on. Perhaps she is not telling you the whole story - maybe she forgot, maybe she doesn't want to. Regarding the medications - it depends how long she has been off of them and what their half life is. Some anti-depressants are really rough to come off of if someone stops cold turkey.

Wishing you all the best!!! (((Hugs)))

rmpar29 · January 2014

So many (((HUGS))). This is a very hard situation and I agree with an honest talk with your DH is warranted. Can he go to an appointment with her PCP to ask the questions you two have? Sounds like maybe someone needs to talk to her doctor and figure out what meds she needs. I agree that an assisted living arrangement might be the best situation for her. I really hope that this gets resolved for you quickly and that you and DH are on the same page with this.

megrae12 · January 2014

HorseLover11 said:

I'm so sorry. I actually have my mil living with us right now as she had a rough patch with being on too many meds. DH did go meet with all her docs to understand what was going on as the docs didn't care to see if there we the certain meds that shouldn't be taken with others. She's now off the major pain meds and it took about 2 weeks to have her feel herself again (amazingly fast recovery in my opinion) I didn't see her for the first week though so maybe it was relate able to what you're dealing with.
can I ask what types of meds she took and what her background is? Its obvious her behavior is not of someone who is sane. Is it possible for her to move closer so you can keep an eye on her?

She has a bazillion health problems. She is on oxygen all the time b/c she was/is a smoker. She has been severely clinically depressed for all of H's life.

megrae12 · January 2014

Thank you so much ladies for all the wonderful words and advice. I am just beyond over it. I came home yesterday and she had messed up our guest bathroom as well!! *Insert crying rage here*

I am trying to channel my inner nice person b/c when it comes to the hard talks I believe in cutting to the chase and getting it done. Unfortunately, I can't really do that with H b/c he feels he is being attacked. Ugh. We have broached the subject before of her moving closer to us. There is apartment complex just minutes from our house that houses nothing but seniors. She refuses to leave her house and move into an apartment. I know, that if we broach the subject with her about moving, etc. she is going to want to move in with us. That answer is a Hell NO, but I cant say that. This is just really hard and sucks monkey balls.

RustyGirl3 · January 2014

((HUGS))

So sorry you have to deal with this. I agree with PP's that DH should go to the Dr with her and he should probably talk to her about what's going on.

Hope it gets better.

HorseLover11 · January 2014

I'm so sorry sweetie. I also think a logical first step would be for DH to go meet with the doc and mil so you aren't the bad guy as to recommending what's best for her. I can also imagine your DH has a lot of history of dealing with her from his childhood and that's something I know I forget when looking at the situation in my own life. (((Hugs))) if u need to pm me I'm here for u

megrae12 · January 2014

Kateisoptimistic said:

I'm sorry you are dealing with this! We are coming to the realization that my Dad needs to be placed into assisted living soon and it is really really hard. We have not spoken to my dad about it yet and I'm not sure how that will go but it is not going to be an easy conversation. In all honesty it has taken a long time to convince ourselves (my mom and I) that it is truly needed as we want so badly to believe that this isn't really happening and that he is fine. Keep this in mind when you talk to your husband about it, it is really tough to accept that your parent is now in need of care this may be part of why he feels attacked. Maybe you could talk to a counselor together? They might be able to offer some guidance to your DH if he is struggling with this and also some advice on how to talk to MIL in the most productive way possible without upsetting her. Good luck, we are all here for you if you need to vent or talk anything through ((hugs))

I was actually thinking about this yesterday. It has crossed my mind to mention this to him.

LaRomana09 · January 2014

I think PPs have already given a ton of great advice, so I just wanted to give some extra (((HUGS))). That is a really tough situation to have to deal with. Hopefully it gets better soon!

WWTACLD: Help! TMI WARNING

Re: WWTACLD: Help! TMI WARNING

Began trying for a baby January 2012
BFP 4.25.2013 EDD 1.3.2014 MMC 6.3.2013 D&C 6.19.2013
BFP 11.3.2013 CP 11.6.2013
BFP 3.31.2014 EDD 12.10.2014 Baby boy Carlson born 12.19.2014

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

WWTACLD: Help! **TMI WARNING**

Re: WWTACLD: Help! **TMI WARNING**

Began trying for a baby January 2012BFP 4.25.2013 EDD 1.3.2014 MMC 6.3.2013 D&C 6.19.2013BFP 11.3.2013 CP 11.6.2013BFP 3.31.2014 EDD 12.10.2014 Baby boy Carlson born 12.19.2014

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

WWTACLD: Help! TMI WARNING

Re: WWTACLD: Help! TMI WARNING

Began trying for a baby January 2012
BFP 4.25.2013 EDD 1.3.2014 MMC 6.3.2013 D&C 6.19.2013
BFP 11.3.2013 CP 11.6.2013
BFP 3.31.2014 EDD 12.10.2014 Baby boy Carlson born 12.19.2014