Did I stop breastfeeding too soon?

n8thegr801 · January 2014

I’m mostly posting b/c I feel like I've already made a mistake as a mom and I just need to vent and maybe get affirmation from other moms assuring me I’m not doing as bad as I think. I’m sure many of you have been there, too. My daughter is 10 months old and is exclusively formula-fed. I had decided I would breastfeed for six months and that was all. But now I’m regretting my decision. My story has a bit more to it. I exclusively breastfed for the first month. I had a lot of trouble despite doing everything the lactation consultants told me. It would hurt a lot when she would first latch on, sometimes to the point that I would be crying while she was eating. I later realized it was b/c she was biting me and I must be really sensitive. I don’t know if there would have been any way to get her to stop. She was also not sleeping at night and I had a lot of trouble trying to sleep during the day when she did, so I was sleep-deprived and hormonal. You know, you've all been there. I had decided I would try to pump and bottle-feed some of the time to help me a little bit. I had my husband go out and buy the expensive Medela pump. Just when I was starting to figure out how to use it, I had to go into the hospital for appendicitis. I ended up staying for three days. I took my pump with me and just kept pumping and dumping so my supply wouldn't go away, but of course she got formula while I was there. When I got back, I had trouble getting her to latch on again b/c she was so young and had had bottles for three days. I was so exhausted from surgery and caring for a newborn that I gave up pretty quickly and decided I would just pump. I pumped every three hours night and day to keep up my supply, and boy, did my supply come back. I ended up having so much extra breastmilk that I was running out of room in our freezer to store it. She started sleeping through the night pretty early on, but I was still getting up to pump. I know I was probably annoying my husband by waking him up in the middle of the night when he had to work the next day, but he has always been very patient and told me it didn't bother him. I had originally planned to pump for a year, but after a while, I started getting stressed out. It was hard to get up to pump, not to mention it took a while to get back to sleep after I was done. I refused myself caffeine b/c I didn't want the baby to get it. I had to disrupt any outings so I could stop and pump every three hours. Once the baby started getting more mobile, I had to strap her in the swing while I pumped, which she hated. Plus, our freezer was nearing its capacity, and I had nowhere else to store breastmilk. If I pumped any less than every three hours, my supply would start to go down. I eventually decided it would be OK to stop after six months. I actually took a while to wean myself off the pump, plus we had the frozen breastmilk, so she probably got breastmilk for about seven and a half months. She seems fine now on the formula, but I have an obsessive personality, and I can’t stop thinking about how I think I did it wrong. Soon after I stopped pumping, she started waking up earlier in the morning and more often at night, so I know that would have made things harder if I was still getting up to pump. Also, I was very sore and bruised all the time, and it is nice to not be in pain. I can’t beat myself up for not wanting to be in pain, right? I just keep thinking of things I should've done differently. Of course, now I’m usually fully rested and my hormones have calmed down a bit, so I’m probably seeing things much more clearly than I did before. And one of the biggest things I've been reading about breastfeeding longer is the bond between the mother and child, which we didn't have b/c I started pumping so soon. I did try to get her back on the breast, but when she would bite me after the pump had bruised me so much, it was more than I could handle. That’s not to say we don’t enjoy a close bond. I stay home with her and I feel very close to her. I can often get her to sleep more easily than her dad, and she usually reaches for me when she’s upset. I think I mostly feel guilty about all the money my husband spent on the pump, bottles, nursing bras and nightgowns, etc. He says he’s not mad about it, but maybe he’s just trying to protect my feelings. But I used the pump every three hours for about six months so I got my money’s worth, right? I just need to complain and vent, I guess. I think parenthood is going to be full of times when I feel like I totally messed up my child. Sorry so long.

ObLaDi · January 2014

You obviously love your daughter very much and care a great deal about doing the best thing for her. You did a great job giving her the milk you did, and she will continue to thrive on formula. Hugs--I'm sorry you're feeling guilty. You are a great mom.

mb314 · January 2014

Breathe! You did a great job with feeding your LO and making things work with the circumstances you had. Breastfeeding is hands down the hardest thing I ever did, and I was lucky and didn't have any major obstacles. It is hard, and I think most people would not have lasted as long as you did. Formula isn't poison - we are lucky that we live in a day and age when it is a viable substitute for breast milk. Your child was lovingly fed then and she is lovingly fed now.

And you definitely didn't waste money on the nursing supplies if you pumped for over 6 months. You can save the supplies for a second child if you decide to have one, too.

You did a great job! Many women never even try to breastfeed, and many give up after a week. It is amazing you lasted over 6 months!

alijeff2313 · January 2014

You did the best thing you could do at the time. Don't be so hard on yourself! That is much longer than many people give their children breast milk. I know how hard it is to keep up with that, and I am only 4 1/2 months in. As for the monther-daughter bonding...breastfeeding is not the only way to have that. Cuddle with her, lay with her on your chest, lay on the ground and play with her on the floor. The most important thing is that she is happy and healthy. Don't feel guilty, she will always love her mommy. She won't remember that you weren't able to go as long as you wanted...she will remember that you loved her and did the very best that you could!!

mexicolombiana · January 2014

You did great. Water under the bridge. Enjoy your baby!

AnotherPreggo · January 2014

Oh honey! You were able to give her tons and tons of breastmilk! Props to you for sticking with it with all you had going on in your life. Being hospitalized would have been the end of it for most ladies. And don't get me started on EPing. What a ton of work that is, and dedication. Once you get the hang of it, BFing is easy and there aren't usually many bumps in the road once your supply evens out... but EPing... ugh. I don't know how long I would last EPing. It is so much more work than BFing or FFing... so much to clean, time to pump, then time to feed baby. You did a wonderful thing for your little girl. Don't beat yourself up over thinking you have stopped too early. Now go give her a big squeeze and treasure every minute of her!

OntheWater · January 2014

You did awesome! Most women give up before choosing to EP! I had to EP for my daughter and have very mixed feelings about having done so. I'm thrilled that she got the best start possible, as did your daughter. But I felt like I never had enough time to just sit and hold her- I'd plop her down for a Nap and get to pumping! I was always pumping and hardly enjoying my time with her. Fortunately my supply was great and by 7 months, I had enough in the freezer to get her to 14 months, so I stopped. Life got SOOO good then! I spent days just rocking her during naps, a little teary eyed that I had missed out on the first 7 months of this. I slept through the night with her instead of waking every 3-4 hrs to pump. We went out, I held her when company came instead of passing her over and rushing out to pump, I went out to dinner wih my husband! I drank wine! It was so fantastic, had I not had enough milk to get her to a year, I may have stopped anyway just so I could finally enjoy my time with her. So, do what I did- go throw yourself a weaning party for doing such an awesome job (i went for a day at the spa, then had friends over all weekend eating mercury-laden fish that I had missed for so long, drank wine and coffee, all while my husband cooked and took care Of DD) and enjoy your life with your LO! Before you know it, baby will be off doing her own thing- go enjoy your time with her while she's still tiny without having that damn pump strapped to you.

n8thegr801 · January 2014

Thank you so much for the encouraging words! I'm feeling better now. And OntheWater, I agree with you about being able to spend more time with her now. It is a lot nicer.

OntheWater · January 2014

As for money-what you spent on supplies for those 7.5 months of milk is likely what you would have spent on formula, so no real loss there. Plus, if you have another, you already have everything!

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