Advice on future of working fulltime with 3 under 3

ebp913 · January 2014

If you can see my siggy, you can see that we are expecting our third baby in August and all our kids will be under 3. I'm beginning to freak out. I work full time now in a job that I like but don't love. I make good money and I like working mostly because I think I would go insane if I was home all day everyday with the kids. I also really really hate the stigma associated with stay at home moms in my crowd, the anti feminist and religious (for my area) undertones that go along with it make me never want to do it. I'm not knocking those who do it, it's just that many of my family/friends feel it's their "place" and that concept is something I don't agree with. If I decide to stay home it will be because it's what I wanted, not because I belong at home with babies because I have a vagina. Anyways....

That said, I am starting to run out of steam and I feel like I never have time for me. I'm at work, at home with the kids or doing stuff around the house or for the kids. We have a nanny so the cost of caring for 3 won't be that significantly different and we can afford it. In the longterm, my husband's job will be much more lucrative than mine and I am at a bit of deadend right now because I do not want my boss' job and my other opportunities aren't really going to work with what we need as a family. I am usually home with sick kids, doing doc appointments, etc because my job is much more flexible that DH's. He helps plenty but he's in a job where he's really never off duty so this is what works for our family.

I guess I don't really know what I am asking exactly. I feel like I want to work part time at some point but only if the older 2 are in some type of daycare. I can't imagine working part time then taking care of all 3 kids the rest of the time being a good solution. I'll get paid less and have no time for myself! Anyone else in a similar boat? Am I being unrealistic to think I can continue to work FT with 3 really young kids?

alli2672 · January 2014

Do you have a housekeeper? My oldest was 3.5 when my youngest was born, and I was only working 25 hours a week at the time, but I was in over my head. I tried having my babysitter there more, but it wasn't really that helpful since I was still taking care of 1 or 2 kids. What really worked for us was to hire someone to come in 4 days a week and do all of the errands, laundry, cooking, etc.
I used this book to place an ad, figure out exactly what I needed, and write up a plan for her to follow: https://www.amazon.com/Housekeeper-Is-Cheaper-Than-Divorce/dp/0967963605
She has been with us for about 1.5 years now, and it has been amazing. The kids love her. She and our babysitter get along well (I think she's glad to have another adult in the house), and I get to spend my time at home actually focusing on my kids. And I don't know if this makes me a horrible person, but I feel good about giving someone a job in this economy rather than using the money for a better car or more expensive vacations.
I have been back at work 40+ hours/wk for about a year (my kids are 2, 4, and 5), and things are going well.

Oh, and it is expensive, but not nearly as expensive as quitting my job.

djm31012 · January 2014

I think there are a lot of variables here....1) how flexible is your job (can you work from home/rearrange hours/work 4 days and have the 5th day all to urself while ur kids are in daycare) 2) how much does your income matter to your family?

you CAN do anything you want to do..if you had to work full time you would figure it out. The question is, do you want to? Maybe its best to take a few years off until your kids are in school and then you can work part time without having to worry about childcare. If you think you can stick it out. Me personally, if I had 3 under 3 (or 3 kids any age) I would not be able to carry on my specific job working 60 hours a week and I would look to make a change, including staying home.

I know its daunting to think about...especially when you feel like neither alternative makes your totally happy. But maybe if you stayed at home and got into a routine with activities and new friends you would love it. Conversely, maybe you can work out some other alternatives withy our employer to let you keep your job but also gain more time for yourself-like i mentioned above..going to part time of just 4 days a week, leaving one day all for you. good luck with your decision!

jlaOK · January 2014

1 - It kind of sounds like you like working but don't like your job. Is there another job/field that interests you. Maybe finding something more fulfilling will help you not feel so burnt out.

2 - How can you create more "me time" for yourself. Like @alli2672 suggested can you get a housekeeper or have you nanny take on some extra responsibility? Does your DH need to help you out more with the day to day household tasks? Can you schedule a monthly girl's night or date night to get a break?

It looks like you've decided that you aren't cut out to be a SAHM. You just need to figure out what will help you be more satisfied in your work/home life.

jf198400 · January 2014

I agree with the others that it's doable with help. I had 2u2 and my mom was providing childcare in my home which was a huge help b/c she would do some kids laundry, bring in the mail, empty the dishwasher, feed the dog, etc. I'm sure you have your nanny help with things too. We also hired a cleaning service to come in every 2 weeks which was a Huge lifesaver!

We would like to have a 3rd and I am also worried about how we would manage. (Older 2 are in DC FT now). I would like to SAH b/c that has always been my preference and I don't really like working. IF I continued to work, I would have to hire more help, a mothers helper in the evening since DH works late, possibly someone to help cook. I agree working PT doesn't necessarily help, b/c then there's less money to hire help and greater expectations on you to manage it all.

ebp913 · January 2014

alli2672 said:

Do you have a housekeeper? My oldest was 3.5 when my youngest was born, and I was only working 25 hours a week at the time, but I was in over my head. I tried having my babysitter there more, but it wasn't really that helpful since I was still taking care of 1 or 2 kids. What really worked for us was to hire someone to come in 4 days a week and do all of the errands, laundry, cooking, etc.
I used this book to place an ad, figure out exactly what I needed, and write up a plan for her to follow: https://www.amazon.com/Housekeeper-Is-Cheaper-Than-Divorce/dp/0967963605
She has been with us for about 1.5 years now, and it has been amazing. The kids love her. She and our babysitter get along well (I think she's glad to have another adult in the house), and I get to spend my time at home actually focusing on my kids. And I don't know if this makes me a horrible person, but I feel good about giving someone a job in this economy rather than using the money for a better car or more expensive vacations.
I have been back at work 40+ hours/wk for about a year (my kids are 2, 4, and 5), and things are going well.

Oh, and it is expensive, but not nearly as expensive as quitting my job.

We do have a housekeeper now and I think you are totally right. If I really want to be home more and actually spend more time with the kids, I would need more help. She comes every other week currently but I'd need more than that if I work less. In a total dream world where money was no object, I'd pick up an awesome hobby (I really want to get my CPST certification and help families with car seats), quit my current job, have a nanny and a housekeeper and that would be perfection. I want to feel useful to society so it's less about my paycheck than it is that I want to contribute in a meaningful way to something more than just raising children.

Right now, we really need my paycheck but in the near future, DH will be making substantially more so that will change. We could live on his salary but we'd do less travel, etc. My job right now is pretty flexible in the sense that everyone has kids so doc appointments and other obligations with kids during work hours are pretty accepted. I would have to talk to my boss about part time and I'm not sure how well that would be received as no one else in my small department works part time and I've only been here a year. Fortunately, my commute is 7 minutes, I have a nanny so no dropoffs or pickups, and I work 40 hours a week consistently. It's a pretty good full time scenario I admit.

I have thought about quitting for a year (assuming we could afford it) and seeing how things go. I do think I could find things to occupy our days easily and my oldest will be starting preschool in the fall. Worst comes to worst, I lose a year in my career but that wouldn't be the end of the world for me. We'll see as the due date for #3 approaches. DH and I have a lot to discuss!

ebp913 · January 2014

jlaOK said:

1 - It kind of sounds like you like working but don't like your job. Is there another job/field that interests you. Maybe finding something more fulfilling will help you not feel so burnt out.

2 - How can you create more "me time" for yourself. Like @alli2672 suggested can you get a housekeeper or have you nanny take on some extra responsibility? Does your DH need to help you out more with the day to day household tasks? Can you schedule a monthly girl's night or date night to get a break?

It looks like you've decided that you aren't cut out to be a SAHM. You just need to figure out what will help you be more satisfied in your work/home life.

You bring up a good point. I just don't feel that fulfilled by my career so it's hard when I feel like I would like a little more time with my kids and the time I am spending away I don't even love. I like doing something outside of my family which is all I really need. I think my husband would be supportive if I wanted to go back to school and do something different when his salary goes up which might make us all around happier.

MammaBear81 · January 2014

It's doable (see siggy). I am a very organized person and DH helps out a lot. My job is more flexible (I can shift my schedule a bit to do appointments etc) but we have an au pair as childcare which means I don't have to take off for sick kids, or DC being closed, etc which makes my employer much happier about the time I do take. I organize and plan like crazy, my house does look a little like a daycare (shoe cubbies for each kid, a bin for a pair of clothes for each child in the bathroom) but I don't care, it keeps things flowing.

I get home from work at 6pm, we do dinner, I check homework (should be done already with the au pair) and the kids play while I clean up. I get some play time with them, and then start bedtime at 7:30, kids in bed by 8pm. I spend about an hour preping for the next day and cleaning and then I have from 9pm-11pm to myself (except right now because my littlest one is sometimes up to nurse) and then I'm in bed by 11. Wake up at 7am an repeat!

Virgo17 · January 2014

I have a 3 year old, 2 year old, and 6 month old. If you have a Nanny, it is totally doable. You don't have to worry about drop offs and pickups. You might want a little extra help in the cooking, cleaning, errands department than you have currently.

Don't quit working because you have three kids and/or you don't like your current job. If you like working and it benefits your family, there are other changes you can make to improve your overall work/life balance.

Sidenote: Feminism is about having a choice to do what you want to do. If you want to work, then do that. If you want to be a SAHM, that is okay too.

NicoleWI · January 2014

Yes, do-able, but it's all about priorities and what works in your particular situation, and you may find that changing in the months to come. You just have to see what happens. Your situation is pretty good overall, with help, in that you live close to work and have a nanny.

I have three under four (for another couple weeks) and WILL be changing to SAH. Similar situation in that DH has the more lucrative job, and it's his own business, so he works long and crazy hours. Personally, I wanted to try SAH and this is the time in my life to try it, and in my field I can get back to the workforce if I find that SAH doesn't work for me. And in my area, there's not so much heavy baggage about SAH being a religious/"women's role" choice at all--thank goodness!! On top of that, I was feeling stressed by all the stuff I was handling outside of work and guilty about always missing work, needing to leave early, having sick kids, etc. As with you, most of that is handled by me b/c I have more flexibility and the "lower priority" job. I started to feel that my "outside of work" life was getting bigger and bigger, and work was feeling more and more stressful and intrusive. AT the same time, I have a really cool job and a pretty good set-up and it's a lot to give up, so it's bittersweet. It came down to the fact that I just knew that for me, our current situation was just not sustainable for me long-term. I felt too pulled in different directions and stressed and everything was a giant disorganized mess all the time. I didn't want to live like that.

I WOULD like to work PT if it were reasonable to do so--worth it financially and time wise--to keep my hand in the game and give me more variety. But that wasn't a long-term option with my employer so I am going to try SAH.

Good luck! Just wait and see how things are going for you when the baby arrives. It's wonderful that you have options!!

ebp913 · January 2014

Thanks for everyone's advice and experiences. I think you are all ultimately right, that we can make anything work really so we just need to make some decisions. I think for now for me, continuing to work will be the best plan and then we can reevaulate if PT or SAH might be a better option after #3 is born.

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