Having a rough go of it right now... (A bit long, sorry!)

swirl25 · January 2014

I've been pleasantly surprised at how quickly I felt bonded to DD2, something I worried about all pregnancy. But aside from that, I've been having a pretty tough time getting adjusted to life with 2 kids. I am definitely experiencing some baby blues, and I'm very tired and emotional. DD1 is trying to be helpful and loving towards the baby, but she is also clearly acting out as she gets adjusted and I have a really hard time being patient with her. I find myself yelling at her a lot when she doesn't listen or misbehaves, and then I feel SO guilty and like a horrible mom because I know this has to be tough on her too. DH is just as sleep deprived and plus he is back to work now, so I know he's pretty exhausted but we have been so snappy with each other lately. Frustratingly, I feel like my mother doesn't understand the emotional side of postpartum recovery at all because I keep getting gems from her like "Well, you just have to cope with the two of them as best you can....no sense in crying all the time." Last night we hit a low -- the baby was cluster feeding and DD1 absolutely refused to go to sleep till almost 11, using every excuse and stall tactic in the book. I was ready to pull my hair out. And once they were finally asleep I had trouble falling and staying asleep because I'm worrying/anxious over a variety of things. I cry multiple times daily which I know isn't good for DD1 to see me doing either. And the bitter cold that has settled over our area is not helping...we are cooped up in the house for the duration (although I don't know that I would be brave enough to venture out with both kids yet anyway).

Sorry for the all-over-the-place vent...I just needed to get this off my chest. I know it will get better and easier with time, but damn if this initial adjustment period doesn't suck right now.

margaerytyrell · January 2014

{{{}}}
Hugs. Sorry you're going through this. I hope things get better.

My mom tells me shit like that too. It sucks and isn't helpful at all. Hang in there.

swirl25 · January 2014

What pisses me off about my mom is that she went thru this too (albeit nearly 34 years ago). She of anyone should understand!

jmb527 · January 2014

I totally feel you. It's so hard and I find myself being totally impatient with DD1 also and I feel so bad. I hope the adjustment gets easier for you and all of us with 2 (or more) kids.

mightymousy · January 2014

*HUGS*!!!

ugoglencoco · January 2014

Sorry you're going through a hard time, hang in there!! Having two kids is tough. I feel like I yell at DS1 too much too and I feel guilty about it. Just remember, this too shall pass. My H always keeps reminding me that someday we will laugh about all this, even the tough days. And I feel like my mom forgets what it was like to have a toddler and newborn and is kind of ranking on me too, momnesia at it's finest! Just take it one moment at a time!

( if it makes you feel any better we started potty training today, what an effing nightmare that is)

swirl25 · January 2014

Thanks, ladies. It really helps to know that you guys understand how hard this is...seems like no one else does IRL.

KateVA · January 2014

I had a very hard time with the transition to 2 under 2, feeling much of what you are describing. I was scared I was going to hurt my toddler, I just wanted him to go away. It was a terrible feeling. The solution for me was paying a fellow sahm to watch the baby while I took ds1 w me to the gym. Baby was too young for the gym daycare. I was able to workout and relieve the stress and I got a break. The weather is a bummer for sure but as soon as you can get out to a park or playground I would do it. Xoxo

swirl25 · January 2014

@mmc0323 -- potty training is our next big hurdle too, but there's no way we are tackling that till things settle down here a bit!

swirl25 · January 2014

@kateva, I have had that feeling towards DD1 and it scares the shit out of me -- I hate it so much. I don't want to feel that way towards her but it's so hard to be understanding when she is pushing all my buttons seemingly on purpose. It may be an overreaction on my part but I honestly feel like I don't deserve to be her mom if I don't want to be around her (not all the time by any means, but there are definitely times I want/need to get away from her for sure).

blainethetrain · January 2014

I could have written this. What I've been trying to do is to spend lots of one on one time with DS while the baby is sleeping or when DH is home to hold her. It seems to help if he gets some time without the baby around.

sportsmomma · January 2014

I'm having a hard time transitioning to 2 as well so totally feel ya! We decided to send DS to daycare part-time and that's helping even though I feel guilty and like a failure that I have such a hard time with the 2 of them alone.

swirl25 · January 2014

hckygrl909 said:
I could have written this. What I've been trying to do is to spend lots of one on one time with DS while the baby is sleeping or when DH is home to hold her. It seems to help if he gets some time without the baby around.

Yes, that's definitely the key. She is clearly trying to get our attention by doing the things she is. Trying my best to give her 1 on 1 time but it never seems like enough somehow...but then again she's not my only child to focus 100% on anymore, so I guess it would seem that way.

lilypienmessimy · January 2014

I'm a FTM but I give you STMs (and third and so on) all the praises!! Newborns are so exhausting and it's hard not to get snippy even with my DH some days, so to have a toddler around too has got to be tough. I plan on having another LO within the next year or two and I will be at the same spot you guys are now, lots of hugs and just keep in mind that soon this too shall pass and you will have it all figured out!

swirl25 · January 2014

@bluecards, DD goes to preschool 3 days a week and it definitely helped to have that time with just the baby (only been 1 time she's been back since the break!). I feel bad too that I feel relieved when she is at school, but I did feel somewhat recharged when it was time to pick her up, so it's a good thing she's going. Not to mention that getting back into routine will be good for them too.

insertclevername · January 2014

(((Big hugs))). Both DH and I definitely have less patience for DS1's behavior. I try to counterbalance it with lots of praise when he is being good. Today he said "Mommy I am proud of you" So hopefully praising him has been working.

It is normal to have some feelings of resentment when sleep deprived and spread thin. Cut yourself some slack.

zou bisou · January 2014

It's really hard to juggle multiple kids. With my transition to 2, I found that getting to 6 weeks was a big hurdle to cross, and then again at 3 months. By 3 months, we'd found our groove and I felt more confident in my ability to be a mom to 2.

Something that helped me was writing down activities for my older child and having them prepped to go for times when I knew a distraction would be needed. So having playdough ready to go, putting out a favorite puzzle, a new or forgotten toy, a video were all in my arsenal. It was just about impossible for me to think of these activities in the heat of a stressful moment so writing them down and sticking on the fridge for fast reference really helped.

Mostly though, it will just take time. Soon enough, you'll be going about your day and you'll realize, "We're doing it. We're all ok. It's going to be fine."

KFED103 · January 2014

You definitely aren't alone. DS's behavior and routine have stayed pretty consistent so I'm glad for that but I have major guilt over other things like not interacting with him enough, having the tv on too much, staying cooped up in the house all the time. LO is 6.5 weeks and I still haven't ventured out with both kids alone. DS also isn't talking yet (21 months) so I feel like this is the worst time to have less interaction with him. They say not to worry before 2 years, but I feel like if he doesn't it might be my fault.

Kind of a tangent there, but I'm just saying we are all experiencing difficulties with our older ones and I understand where you are coming from! (((Hugs))) to all of us trying to figure out this new balancing act in our lives!

Aycul18 · January 2014

Sending lots of hugs your way! I'm sure you'll get into a groove soon :-)

MissyC979 · January 2014

swirl25 said:
@kateva, I have had that feeling towards DD1 and it scares the shit out of me -- I hate it so much. I don't want to feel that way towards her but it's so hard to be understanding when she is pushing all my buttons seemingly on purpose. It may be an overreaction on my part but I honestly feel like I don't deserve to be her mom if I don't want to be around her (not all the time by any means, but there are definitely times I want/need to get away from her for sure).

I'm right there with you. I feel like DS1 is so much tougher than the baby. It makes me really resentful and I feel like all we go is fight with DS1. We've been trying so hard to be positive with him and avoid fights and it's really tough. Taking care of baby is so much easier, even with sleep deprivation.

FutureMrsCaesar · January 2014

So sorry you are feeling exhausted and stressed. The transition from 1 to 2 kids was very hard for us. My oldest is a little high maintenance and it made for a really rough first year. Hang in there, it is SO worth it. My boys are best friends and its wonderful to see their relationship grow.

KelseyKetchum · January 2014

To be honest you ladies with two or more children are my heroes! I don't know how you do it I feel like I'm jam packed with just a newborn and dogs. Hang in there and see your doc if the blues get bad, no shame in getting help. Lots of hugs.

swirl25 · January 2014

Again, it means a lot to read all your words of encouragement! I know it will get better for all of us soon....

KFiori1 · January 2014

I found the transition from 1 to 2 pretty hard! Hang in there!!!

KELLILOVESJOSH · January 2014

Im sorry you are going through this. I'm definitely suffering from PPD. It makes everyday annoyances so much worse. My mom is also the same way, she was never tired or depressed I guess.( she also came from a generation where you don't talk about things like depression so I try to understand) I have a 2yo and 7yo and I've been feeling so guilty about how I've dealt with them lately. I finally sat down with them and explained that sometimes mommy needs a time out too. So when I get overwhelmed and feel like yelling at my girls I just take a " time out" and breathe for a minute. It's funny when they hear me say I'm taking a time out they stop whatever crazy thing they were doing and stare at me like I've gone mad lol. So I guess it serves two purposes. Things are slowly getting better. Just take it one day at a time and remember to do something for yourself when you can. Even if its just reading things on here or watching something funny.

hjweber · January 2014

You're not alone. I'm having a tough time adjusting to having two, as well.

DD1 doesn't like to listen (no shit, she's 2 1/2) but I feel guilty when I lose my patience with her and feel like she's getting the short end of the stick while I sit around and hold the new baby all day.

She's also doing the stall tactic thing at night and it's soooooo frustrating. She's been fighting sleep until around 11 pm every single night and I just want to snap.

I feel like I can't enjoy DD2's early days.

Hang in there. At least we can vent to each other.

amberpro · January 2014

(((((Hugs)))))

It is a tough transition that I'm struggling with, too. The fact that 2 is a difficult age behaviorally anyways doesn't help.

hjweber · January 2014

swirl25 said:

@bluecards, DD goes to preschool 3 days a week and it definitely helped to have that time with just the baby (only been 1 time she's been back since the break!). I feel bad too that I feel relieved when she is at school, but I did feel somewhat recharged when it was time to pick her up, so it's a good thing she's going. Not to mention that getting back into routine will be good for them too.

DD1 is enrolled at a daycare center and really enjoyed it when she was going (stopped going when I was 36-37 weeks pregnant because I wasn't working) and I want to get her going again a couple days a week but I'm afraid of the 'daycare germs' that go with it. Ugh. What's a mom of 2+ to do?

swirl25 · January 2014

@kellilovesjosh, I think that is it with my mom too -- as far as she's concerned, anything mental health related is just not something you talk about either. I've been going to therapy for a year now and she doesn't really understand why.

@yezbick9, those are some good ideas...I have felt isolated and out of the loop with my friends, and I know that's contributing with the way I feel too.

esf60 · January 2014

I'm so so sorry. Sending hugs!

MEP923 · January 2014

I can totally understand. DS1 all of a sudden doesn't want to sleep and I feel so sleep deprived. Hang in there. I just keep thinking it will get easier.

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