All I wanna do is Cry

Angdearth · January 2014

My boyfriend and I found out we were expecting in September 13, everything looked fine at all my appoints, we had found out we were having a little boy, his name was going to be Isaac. We were both so excited, thrilled, and couldnt wait for next June to arrive. Then the week before Christmas, I started to spot, went in for my month appt on the 19th to be told there was no heatbeat and no growth since my last appt in early november. I prepared myself for the worse, or atleast I thought I did. My boyfriend, whom weve had challenges on top of challenges since we started dating in May, stayed with me to support me and be there for me, for 2 days. He never left my side, which I am sooo grateful for. But now, I feel like he's trying to distance himself from me. I know he needs to grieve as well, but this isnt making things any easier for me, which may sound selfish, and I'm pretty sure it does. He won't talk to me about it, and i know its bothering him. Now, on top of feeling empty, like a failure, all I wanna do is cry, and be mad at world. No one seems to understand how I feel, and if I hear one more " pray, its all part of God's plan, it'll be okay" i'm gonna scream. How do I tell my boyfriend exactly how im feeling?

PinkRoses · January 2014

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Going through a loss puts a strain on any relationship. Needing to seek comfort and grieve in your own way is NOT selfish. While this is painful for him, YOU are the one who has to go through the physical ordeal of this. It is physically traumatic and exhausting, and makes the emotional toll that much harder to bear. Don't ever feel that your needs aren't important enough. You deserve comfort and compassion and space to heal.

Try to take care of yourself first. It's not selfish at all - you need to muster up all the strength you can to get yourself through the process. It's just a fact. If it's too much for you to try to manage both his grief and yours, then don't do it. Just focus on getting through the next few days and weeks.

He should understand. In fact maybe he's grown quiet because he's trying to be strong for you. Take all the time you need, and seek support from other sources if you think it will help. I've found so much comfort from the women on this board. Sending lots of hugs.

francisc · January 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending hugs your way!

aezimmerman · January 2014

I am so sorry you lost Isaac. This is not the first thread about a partner not providing the optimal support. The prevailing opinion among the responses in a similar thread is that everyone grieves differently, which has been my own observation. My husband rarely talks about our loss and it happened the day after Christmas. He tends to be more reflective and introspective. I, on the other hand, practically wear my feelings. Thus, he was pretty much quiet and I cried whenever I encountered something related to babies. I did talk to him about it and he tried to be there for me, but he just did not understand what exactly I needed.

My advice is similar to PinkRoses. You should focus on yourself. You need to find a way to get through this. If your partner is not providing the support you need, then find another source. This discussion board has been a great place for me to express myself. Maybe it could be a safe space for you as well.

tumbleweed123 · January 2014

Angdearth I'm so sorry for your loss and for the pain you are feeling. Everyone here understands that pain and is here to support you. I agree with @pinkroses and @aezimmerman there are so many ways that men are different from us when It comes to the loss. Sending you hugs and know that you are not alone.

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