Coping with gender disappointment

bumpuser9353653 · January 2014

So apparently "gender disappointment" is a real thing. I thought it was just me overreacting about having another girl, but the more I think about it, the more bummed out I am on a regular basis. Apparently gender disappointment is relatively common but not often talked about. so I'm going to talk about it.

I've always dreamed of having a son: playing ball, building things, dressing him in the cutest little jeans and henleys, him having a little faux-hawk and still kissing his mom on the cheek when he's 17... but I won't get to do that now unless we decide to make a big investment and adopt one day (which has been discussed, but not guaranteed)

Now I know I will love this girl to pieces once I meet her and we couldn't be more pleased to have another healthy baby on the way, so please don't think I am a terrible person, but at the moment, all I feel is upset. We already have all the clothes needed, so there's no excitement to be had in clothes shopping. I'm struggling with finding another girl name that I like so there's nothing concrete for me to start to connect with, and I find myself constantly jealous of all the little baby boys out there. :-(

So I'm not sure what to do, other than speak the truth and hope someone out there is going through or has gone through the same thing and has found a good way to cope and move forward with things. .... sorry for the long, Debbie-downer post. Any advice? thanks!

pandadair · January 2014

This has actually been discussed quite a few times on this board, so it's definitely not just you. I, too, had a very unexpectedly upset reaction to finding out the sex of our baby, except we are having a boy. TBH, playing ball, building things and dressing in jeans and henleys has nothing to do with genitals. I understand other aspects, and totally don't blame you for your emotions when you were hoping to have a boy for the second (probably last) child, but nothing about having a baby girl precludes doing those type of things.

ETA: I wish I had advice other than giving it time. But I've found that nothing anyone has said to me makes any sort of difference as far as my emotions. They are what they are. Just give yourself time to come around.

talkthewholetime · January 2014

I will just say, as someone with a sister close in age, there is NOTHING in the world better than having a sister. I don't really have any advice, but I hope that helps. My sister was my built in best friend growing up.

pandadair · January 2014

talkthewholetime said:

I will just say, as someone with a sister close in age, there is NOTHING in the world better than having a sister. I don't really have any advice, but I hope that helps. My sister was my built in best friend growing up.

My sister and I are complete BFFs now, but we totally hated each other growing up. Then again, so did my husband and his brother. Ahhh, siblings.

Shell+Bell · January 2014

I totally hear what you are saying. I have two boys and am really hoping we welcome a little girl in may. But, because I am the constant pessimist (I prefer realist, but lets just call a spade a spade) I am fully expecting this one to be a boy as well. My motto, expect the worst and you'll never be disappointed

Part of the reason I don't find out the sex at any of my US's is because I know I will be upset if the baby is not the sex I was hoping for. And I know when I meet the baby the sex is not going to matter, cause all I'll see is a beautiful baby who gets all my lovin's.

Sex disappointment, I feel, has nothing to do with the baby you're carrying, and everything to do with the dreams/ideas of what you pictured your future with your child to be.

No advice to offer, other than giving it time. You won't be disappointed when your baby girl is in your arms.

ABColeslaw · January 2014

I'm with pandadair. Even if you found out you were having a boy, there is no guarrantee that any of what you pictured and hoped for would come true. I always said if I could only have one child, I'd want a boy. I got what I wanted, only I didn't. Asher Ben, while amazing in so many many ways, is not the dream child I had in mind. In many ways, he is better, but honestly life throws you curve balls, did I ever dream my boy would be autistic? Nope, I didn't even consider the possibility. Even if I had imagined Faux Hawks, this child would not let that happen in three zillions years....haircuts are like torture and my least favorite thing to do with him. It takes 3 people to give him a shittastic hair cut. Henley's? Playing Ball? I don't think so. Maybe....Maybe on a good day. It isn't to say that you couldn't have had those things you wanted, but just that you might not have anyway. And to be honest, the dissapointment, dashing of hopes and dreams....it is so much worse than I can describe and has nothing to do with gender and more about the quality of life I wanted for him.

That said, I'm having a girl and while I'm no dissapointed, I'm not as excited as I should be. Shopping holds zero appeal and the only reason we have a name, is that my H loved his grandmother and chose her namesake...that is it. I have a friend who desperately wanted a little girl, she got two boys and while she loves her little men to the moon and back, I know part of her still is a little sad for the daughter she'll never have. But truthfully, I am jealous of her. It is terrible, but her boy that is the same age as my son...completely normal...everything I wanted for Asher.

Gender dissapointment is completely normal, don't get me wrong. My point is just that in the end even if your ultrasound had gone exactly how you wanted it to, you might not have gotten anything you were dreaming of anyway.

ykristos · January 2014

You know, despite our best intentions, I think most of us (if not all) project our own expectations/fantasies onto our unborn children/living children/the world around us. I always saw myself as having a baby girl. I am 98% sure that I will be a one and done kinda lady (biological children-wise), so I guess I just figured this would be a girl. It's not.

Disappointment wasn't the right word for me, but that more described how SS felt (he wanted a baby sister so badly). It was more of a shock. What helped me was thinking about why I had felt drawn to wanting a daughter and realizing that I could have all of those things with a son as well (as it turns out, that's rather obvious, anyway). It also served a reminder that my kid is going to be my kid no matter who I think he should be (all that is going to be genetically-influenced, anyway), and it's good practice to start celebrating and accepting that now.

britab · January 2014

We don't know the sex yet.. Actually before my miscarriage I really, really wanted a girl but losing that pregnancy changed my perspective. I no longer have a preference.

I think you have a little bit of time to grieve the baby you thought you would have and then move on to accepting the one you have.

meli1025 · January 2014

Shell+Bell said:

I totally hear what you are saying. I have two boys and am really hoping we welcome a little girl in may. But, because I am the constant pessimist (I prefer realist, but lets just call a spade a spade) I am fully expecting this one to be a boy as well. My motto, expect the worst and you'll never be disappointed Part of the reason I don't find out the sex at any of my US's is because I know I will be upset if the baby is not the sex I was hoping for. And I know when I meet the baby the sex is not going to matter, cause all I'll see is a beautiful baby who gets all my lovin's. Sex disappointment, I feel, has nothing to do with the baby you're carrying, and everything to do with the dreams/ideas of what you pictured your future with your child to be. No advice to offer, other than giving it time. You won't be disappointed when your baby girl is in your arms.

I completely agree with the bolded. I've commented on disappointment threads before with something similar. I'm not sad that I'm having another boy, I'm sad that I'll never be a girl mom. For me it's particularly hard because I came so close to having a daughter with the daughter I lost. I've been dealing with the whole idea of not ever being a girl mom since that happened. I just knew for some reason that if/when we conceived again it wouldn't be the girl I always dreamed of.

People always comment on my DS about how he's "all boy" because he's so into trucks, cars, being rough...typical boy stuff. But yet this weekend he wanted to watch Tinkerbell and The Little Mermaid. And he LOVES princesses. lol. Maybe your girl will surprise you and want to play sports (like I did) and not be super "girly".

Regardless, we all love our little people and once they get here, you just can't imagine life without them and only them.

((hugs))

IBackBevo · January 2014

I think what you are having is a completely VALID emotion!

I despise it when people shame others for having gender disappointment...especially when they bring infertility or loss into the discussion and say: "You should just be happy to be pregnant with a healthy baby." I've been through "IF" and I can still tell you that I was disappointed when I found out this one was a boy because it will most likely be our last due mainly to my condition that makes having another baby (unless we had one right away) highly unlikely.

Also, I think the above attitude ignores the fact that you can grieve over the loss of a dream (i.e. having a daughter or son) while still being grateful that the child is healthy. One is not taking away from the other and I think it is really simplistic to not realize that a person can experience both emotions at once.

As for coping, I don't have any great suggestions. I think it gets easier with time. I was really bummed for a couple of days, but now I am actually looking forward to my 2U2 little boys.

I also think it is easier once they are here. For me, it also helps to think of the positives to having two of the same sex:
-Hopefully, they will be friends since they are close in age.
-I get to use all of the same "cutesy" little boy outfits again that would look ridiculous on a little girl.
-I have BTDT with a little boy (and you with a little girl). This is not to say that girls and boys are so innately different, but I am sure there are some differences.

I hope this helps! Big hugs to you!

MissLadyTay · January 2014

Yup. I'm sad about probably never having a daughter. I don't have any real tips. I have thrown myself into decorating a "brothers" room and making it ridiculously cute. They won't share a room right away, but probably within a year. So that has given me something concrete to do. I mean, it's the death of a dream, there's nothing to do but let time pass. I will always, for the rest of my life, miss the daughter I never had. She is a figment of my imagination but I love the idea of her. It's not my reality. So. Nothing to do but shrug and raise another strong man to send out into the world.

RachelCA29 · January 2014

It's understandable to feel like you are to be "missing" something because your baby isn't the sex you had been hoping for. You don't need to feel bad about feeling this way because it doesn't reflect on how you feel about your actual baby. We will all love our babies, no matter what.

Really, it's the feeling of loss that the reality you will have after May 2014 isn't going to match the plans/dreams for it. I think @Shell+Bellsaid it really well, in that the disappointment is in the dreams not coming true as you had planned. We all like to make plans and think about how our baby is going to be, and when you have imagined the wrong thing, it takes some time to get a "head shift" and re-imagine everything that will be. It doesn't reflect on you as a mother or on your true feelings towards your baby, you just need to give yourself time to get used to the difference in reality from what you imagined in your head.

I always wanted a boy before I got pregnant, but I really thought I was having a girl when I got pregnant, I just "felt" like it was a girl, as silly as that is. Even my husband started to believe me, so we started picturing girl things, and talked more about girl names, and girly room decor. So when we found out out Lemon is actually a boy, we were really surprised. It's like the 2 or so months of "planning" for a girl we were wrong, and we had to re-program our expectations. It took a few days to get used to the idea of all blue instead of all pink, so to speak. But now that we've had a few months to plan for a boy, I can't imagine bringing home a little girl. It's just not what is in my head/expectations now.

I think so much of gender disappointment has to do with our expectations, and changing expectations is hard, we're human! There is nothing to feel guilty about being human and needing time to adjust to your new reality.

Edited because I can't @ mention people properly.

ABColeslaw · January 2014

Yeah I mean I lost a baby girl pretty late in the game, that didn't keep me from wanting a boy when I was pregnant with Asher and it hasn't done anything to sway the way I feel about this one being a girl. They are sep emotions to me and to liken them to the same is a little shaming for the people who are admitting to feeling them.

pandadair · January 2014

MissLadyTay said:

Yup. I'm sad about probably never having a daughter. I don't have any real tips. I have thrown myself into decorating a "brothers" room and making it ridiculously cute. They won't share a room right away, but probably within a year. So that has given me something concrete to do. I mean, it's the death of a dream, there's nothing to do but let time pass. I will always, for the rest of my life, miss the daughter I never had. She is a figment of my imagination but I love the idea of her. It's not my reality. So. Nothing to do but shrug and raise another strong man to send out into the world.

So much this. We're planning to have one more, but this is exactly how I feel right now. It has definitely gotten better over the weeks since we found out, though. Raising a boy and raising a girl are two different experiences, and it's totally understandable to mourn not getting to enjoy one or the other if that's what you've always pictured.

bumpuser9353653 · January 2014

I know the sports and jeans and construction stuff isn't just for boys.. Heck, I'm a living example of it, so I guess it stems mostly from fear of a house full of Barbies and princess paraphernalia (b/c with 2 girls,there is bound to be some) and not seeing a young boy grow into a man like his father.

And DD1 is a tough little cookie, but man do I hate brushing and fixing her hair! lol But it does help to hear testaments from those with sisters and how close you are. So I'm glad DD1 and 2 will one day have that bond. And mabye one day we will adopt a son, but only God knows and time will tell.

Thanks ladies! And best wishes for all those going through the same thing. :-)

pandadair · January 2014

RugbyMamma said:

I know the sports and jeans and construction stuff isn't just for boys.. Heck, I'm a living example of it, so I guess it stems mostly from fear of a house full of Barbies and princess paraphernalia (b/c with 2 girls,there is bound to be some) and not seeing a young boy grow into a man like his father.
And DD1 is a tough little cookie, but man do I hate brushing and fixing her hair! lol But it does help to hear testaments from those with sisters and how close you are. So I'm glad DD1 and 2 will one day have that bond. And mabye one day we will adopt a son, but only God knows and time will tell.
Thanks ladies! And best wishes for all those going through the same thing. :-)

I was just at my friend's house this weekend and she has an 8 year old daughter. I was totally using watching her get her kid ready as a way to psych myself up about having a boy. Buzz cuts for that kid. I sooooo used to love having my mom do my hair, though. I once ripped all my sister's Barbies' heads off and threw them in the pool, so you can always hope for that if you feel like they're taking over your house

.

Kageer · January 2014

The most important thing is you are acknowledging and talking about it. Better to get it out there than ignore your feelings. Other than that, like other people said just give it time. Hugs

iadanza · January 2014

When I was pregnant with my son, I wanted a girl SO BAD and when we found out it was a boy I secretly was so disappointed about it. One day I was hanging out with my husband and suddenly got up and ran into the bathroom and locked myself in there and started bawling. After about 20 minutes of this and me in serious hysteria, I finally fessed up to my husband about how I was feeling. I felt like a horrible person and mother, it was just that I always had dreamed of my life with a daughter. After I got it all out of my system I actually started to feel a lot better. I still got jealous every now and again, but it wasn't how I was feeling when I first found out.

Have you talked with your husband about it? Have you let yourself grieve over the loss of the son you wanted? It will probably help.

As far as how to get excited... maybe go out and buy a few new things for this baby that can be special and not hand-me-downs. It doesn't have to be a ton of stuff, maybe just some decorations for a new nursery or something. I know it's hard, but hang in there, you'll start feeling better once you accept your disappointment (which it sounds like you are doing).

CaliVal · January 2014

I'm so sorry

I can totally understand
where you are coming from. Hopefully you will have some great son in laws someday!

Latadae · January 2014

I know how you feel, except I wanted a girl. I had names, first photo outfits & room ideas set!! Then the nurse told me it's a boy -__- I was bummed but also excited because this is my first child! Things happen for a reason . Cheer up.

Lovenyc · January 2014

I understand where you are coming from. I have a 2yo son and I was hoping for a girl.

I had prepared myself for disappointment. I was surprised when I didn't feel sad when I first found out. It took a couple of days for it to set in. I'm feeling much better now but I think I had to just have a moment, ya know?

This will likely be my last child. I always thought I'd have a girl. It wasn't so much about having another boy as it was about not having "girly" things in my future.

I think the bigger thing for me was the terrible feelings of guilt that came with the disappointment. I have suffered through two losses and have dealt with infertility. I know I should just be thrilled God has blessed me with another child. ...and I am.

I know this is what life has planned for me. He wants my son to have a little brother. He wants me to raise two strong, loving men. I will love this little boy with every fiber of my being.

I think it's important to own our disappointment. I think it's helped me move on.

RachelCA29 · January 2014

Lovenyc said:

I understand where you are coming from. I have a 2yo son and I was hoping for a girl.
I had prepared myself for disappointment. I was surprised when I didn't feel sad when I first found out. It took a couple of days for it to set in. I'm feeling much better now but I think I had to just have a moment, ya know?
This will likely be my last child. I always thought I'd have a girl. It wasn't so much about having another boy as it was about not having "girly" things in my future.
I think the bigger thing for me was the terrible feelings of guilt that came with the disappointment. I have suffered through two losses and have dealt with infertility. I know I should just be thrilled God has blessed me with another child. ...and I am.
I know this is what life has planned for me. He wants my son to have a little brother. He wants me to raise two strong, loving men. I will love this little boy with every fiber of my being.
I think it's important to own our disappointment. I think it's helped me move on.

This. I'm such a girly-girl, so the idea of having floral curtains and reffle-butt cloth diapers was super exciting for me. But now that we are deep into decorating the nursery for a boy, it's just as fun! But it still took me a bit to get over the lack of pink, girly cuteness in my life!

LDQAM516 · January 2014

I hear you...and still deal with those feelings as we desperately wanted a brother for DS as neither side has a set of brothers...whenever I catch myself thinking that way...this will sound cliche but it helps so much...I think hard about all the struggles people I know have with children with disabilities...to have a healthy child outweighs whichever gender we "prefer." So many things can go wrong during pregnancy and two be blessed with four healthy children is a miracle to me...

KBowen715 · January 2014

Oh my gosh- 100% agree. We are having our third boy after almost a decade since my last pregnancy. I lost my first husband to cancer, and my husband now and I just always envisioned a little girl with two older brothers. I'm ecstatic about this little guy- I just wish he had a twin sister coming with him.

Swapsies??

JKTTC1 · January 2014

Hate to sound like a B**** but as a momma who has a DS and experienced two losses since, I want to just say you don't know how fortunate you are to be having a baby.

After DS was born I hoped one day we might have a girl some day. Well after the two losses, I didn't care. I just wanted to be able to have another baby, have him a sibling, and have our family grow.

dragossoul84 · January 2014

We are having our second boy and while I'm not disappointed to have another son I am grieving the loss of the daughter I will never have. This will be our last child my body doesnt handle pregnancy well. I didn't think I could have children so I am so grateful for the two I have now but its hard to lose the unknown experiances you could have had

ABColeslaw · January 2014

JKTTC1 said:

Hate to sound like a B**** but as a momma who has a DS and experienced two losses since, I want to just say you don't know how fortunate you are to be having a baby. After DS was born I hoped one day we might have a girl some day. Well after the two losses, I didn't care. I just wanted to be able to have another baby, have him a sibling, and have our family grow.

I appreciate how you feel, but this isn't helpful. Again all this does is promote shame. I've lost babies too. I could fill my home with little faces I'll never get to kiss, but that experience doesn't negate someone else' feelings...which are completely valid. The whole "You are lucky just to get a baby" thing is mean.

blessednewmom1 · January 2014

@ABColeslaw...I just wanted to say that your reply above discussing disappointment was so well said and touched my heart. It put things into perspective. Thank you for this. Asher is blessed to have such an amazing mom who wants the best for him. Hugs!

Callidryas · January 2014

You made plans...God laughed.

In all seriousness, mourn the loss of the idea you had and the plans you made; then make a new one with your new reality in mind. I have 2 girls. I would love a boy this time, but if I get another girl I will be just as happy. (Team Green) 3 kids will be a handful, but oh, the fun we will have!

Turn4Cindy · January 2014

This is my first and I'm excited its a boy. If I go for #2, I really hope it's a girl and I do consider the way you're feeling. I think I will also feel a sense of disappointment if its another boy. My mom had 4 daughters and hoped her 3rd and 4th were the boy she always wanted, but didnt happen. My sister has 2 sons and was hoping mine was a girl so she could live vicariously since she won't be having more kids. It happens! ha. Hopefully one day your children will give you the grandchild of the sex you did not have yourself. It'll still be fun!
@JKTTC1 I had an ectopic before this pregnancy 2 years ago and I also didn't care what this baby's sex would be when I found out i was expecting. I was just happy to be pregnant despite only having one tube left. So I understand what you're saying, but it's still mean. And I've obviously now moved past that since I'm still pregnant with my first and already dreaming of my second. We all deal with our challenges as they come the best we can. Nothing wrong with a little gender disappointment!

ho11yday · January 2014

We are having our second boy and while I am excited, I am definitely a little disappointed as well (want to trade? haha). I grew up with sisters and I always dreamed of having daughters and doing girl things and this baby is probably our last. I am sad I never get to shop in the pink frilly part of the store or buy dolls. I have an entire American Girl Doll set packed up, ready to pass down to my daughter, but now what do I do with it?

I'm putting hopes on a granddaughter. I keep telling DS1 that we want lots of grandbabies to spoil. Mind you, we should have 20+ years before that, but here's hoping.

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