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New to this board-asking for advice (sort of long)

MJN9510MJN9510 member
in Blended Families

Hi all.  I am new to this board, but I have been on tb for 4 years.  I am usually on the parenting board.  I have been married for 8 years and have 3 step children (all adults) and DH and I have a 3 year old daughter together.  I have a great relationship with my step daughter and step son.  The oldest stepchild is sort of new to the scene and therefore, we dont know her very well.  When DH and I first met, in 2002, he told me he might have a daughter but paternity was never determined and he had never met her.  Her mother was married ( but separated)and 19 at the time of her birth. My husband was 15 when he was with the birth mom.  4 years ago, our phone rang and I answered it.  It was this girl, and she was trying to find her birth father.  They talked on the phone a few times and also met face to face.  She lives 4 hours away from us, so we do not see her often.  She said that her mom always told her that her birth father wanted nothing to do with her.  Obviously that isnt true, because dh never knew if she was his and also didnt have any idea where she lived.  This girl had a hard life growing up and we do feel bad for her.  DH tried at first, to make a connection with her and form a bond.  They did end up having a paternity test done and DH is definitely the father.  I know that this girl really wants a relationship with all of us, but it is very hard to form a bond after so many years had past.  This girl was 28 years old when she first contacted us.  She is married and has 3 children.  The problem is, DH has such a hard time forming a relationship with her because she is just so different.  She does so many things that we really dont approve of.  But we, of course, cannot try to "parent" her now or tell her how we feel.  We dont want to hurt her, but its just hard to connect with her when we feel the way we do.  I feel like we still need to do our best to have a relationship with her because it isnt her fault she was brought up the way she was.  She is living her life now, making the same choices her mother did.   DH is a very caring and loving man, but he rarely calls her.  She feels like he doesnt want a relationship with her and I can totally see why she feels this way.  But I cant make DH do something he just doesnt want to do.  But I feel like he is proving this girls mom right (when she told her daughter her whole life that her dad didnt want anything to do with her) by not having much of a relationship with her now. 

Any advice on how to handle a situation like this?

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Re: New to this board-asking for advice (sort of long)

  • CurlyQ284CurlyQ284 member
    edited December 2013
    Well the only thing that will improve the situation is for DH to call her more. Does he not call because he forgets or because he doesnt want to talk to her?

    Did you invite her for the holidays? Even though she's 4 hours away and may not come, making her feel welcome would be helpful.
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  • MJN9510MJN9510 member
    We invite her to holiday get togethers. She said she couldnt come up because she didnt have the money. He used to call her more. She never tries to call him, but then if he doesnt call her for a few weeks she will text him and ask if he is mad at her and asks him why he doesnt call.  He doesnt like to talk on the phone so it isnt anything personal toward her, but I can see how she would think it is.  But it is frustrating, because she doesnt make any effort to call him.  Also, it seems like every time she calls, she asks for money, so then he gets angry about that.  Its to the point now, that he really doesnt want to call her, but he will do it.  It just isnt very often.  Most of the time, the phone conversations consist her her talking to other people that are at her house and not a whole lot of talking to him.
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  • joshsmandyjoshsmandy member
    Sounds to me like maybe he is giving up on her because she is not returning the effort unless she wants something. Good luck with this, I hope that things start getting better.
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  • +just+j++just+j+ member
    Oh boy. Where to start... First of all, your husband needs to determine if he really does want to make an effort and wants to be a father to her, or be more generically "family". I think she wants him to be a father and because she's now an adult it's weird for him to now all of a sudden be a parent. So he needs to grow a set and have that adult conversation about what they both want from the relationship and meet somewhere in the middle. If he decides he wants to, he needs to set boundaries. So she asks for money. Fine. Say no if he really can't give it to her, but keep in mind...had he been her father, he would have been paying child support. He got off easy financially. I am not saying he owes her that - just keep it in perspective. He should only give money when it's genuinely warranted and if he never expects to be paid back. If he's just not comfortable with it...then he needs to learn how to say no in a healthy way. If she gets mad, then that's on her. Not him if he is effectively refusing in a responsible and respectful way. If he doesn't like her behavior in your home, then he needs to be able to pull her aside and say, "I'm sorry, I like spending time with you, I'm glad you're here, but we don't behave that way in our home. Please try to refrain from :insert bad behavior: while you're here." If he can set boundaries. Be very clear about where he is emotionally and mentailly...then it's up to her to accept it in an adult way. Maybe she's incapable of accepting it gracefully, but if your husband behaves as a parent and an adult as he would with anyone behaving badly or rudely toward him or in his home, then the relationship will take it's course. If he truly loves her, then he needs to tell her and show that. If it's all to new and strange, then he needs to tell her that and say, "but I'm willing to keep trying and work thru it until it doesn't feel that way anymore." And so what if he doesn't like to talk on the phone. MAKE. THE. EFFORT. If he wants a real relationship, he'll make the effort. If she's busy talking to others and not him, then he should say nicely, "I'm sorry, you sound busy. Call me back when you have some quiet time and we can talk without distraction." I hope that helps a little. His daughter should pick up on what is acceptable and not and if she doesn't, he needs to keep reminding her and having open communication with her.
    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
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  • +just+j++just+j+ member
    sorry. On ipad and it apparently doesn't like the paragraphs I created.
    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
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  • NineoceansNineoceans member
    MJN9510 said:

    We invite her to holiday get togethers. She said she couldnt come up because she didnt have the money. He used to call her more. She never tries to call him, but then if he doesnt call her for a few weeks she will text him and ask if he is mad at her and asks him why he doesnt call.  He doesnt like to talk on the phone so it isnt anything personal toward her, but I can see how she would think it is.  But it is frustrating, because she doesnt make any effort to call him.  Also, it seems like every time she calls, she asks for money, so then he gets angry about that.  Its to the point now, that he really doesnt want to call her, but he will do it.  It just isnt very often.  Most of the time, the phone conversations consist her her talking to other people that are at her house and not a whole lot of talking to him.

    Can he tell her "it frustrates me when you ask for money a lot and makes me worried about you"

    But truly it does sound like your Dh has and continues to do the bare minimum for this woman. It has to be horrible for her to grow up thinking one of the people who created her didn't give a dang and to be honest the "I may or may not have a kid" is pretty obvious that he truly really didn't care.

    I think your Dh needs some counseling to find out how he can create a healthy relationship with this woman.
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  • hopankahopanka member
    edited December 2013
    I am side-eying your H for being irritated she is asking for money. Honestly, he got off easy by not paying CS for 18 years. You said she had a hard life growing up...well, maybe it was because she was not supported by two parents. It is not your H's fault, since he didnt know she was his, but at the same time any decent human being would recognize that she may be a product of the unfortunate situation in terms of her behavior and current choices and try to help anyway he can going forward. That doesnt mean blindly throwing cash down her throat, but if she is in need of money for legit reasons, he should help along with money management guidance and a well thought out plan. It seems like he doesnt want to put in the effort, though, and that is really speaking volumes about his character. She is in fact his daughter and he should feel like he wants to try to connect and work on the relationship. If he doesnt like talking on the phone, thats a lame-ass excuse.
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  • TherealdbcooperTherealdbcooper member
    She is an adult and if her life consists of things you don't approve of, you need to protect your family. It's a hard situation that only you and your family know the answer to.
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  • MJN9510MJN9510 member

    I am in agreement that he uses the "I dont like talking on the phone" thing as an excuse to not call.  I agree that he doesnt make the effort that he should.  Its hard hearing that his actions in this show a lack of character on his part, but I do agree.  He is making himself look very bad.  But I cant make him do something he doesnt want to.  We dont give her money because she complains about not having money to come visit, but then constantly posts on facebook about going out to clubs.  I agree completely though, that she was brough up in a VERY unhealthy environment and it explains a LOT about why she acts the way she does.  But it really does make it very difficult to connect with her and form a good relationship after all these years.  The latest frustration is that she took her 15 year old son to get a tattoo yesterday.  Yes, she is the mom and she gets to choose how to raise her kids but its frustrating.

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  • +just+j++just+j+ member
    15??? Isn't that illegal???
    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
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  • ambrvanambrvan member
    edited December 2013
    I sort of understand. My mom's stepdad (really just dad) find out he had a son before he married my grandmother just a few years ago. They invited this man into their home, along with his wife, tried to connect. Two days later, the man's wife showed up with a bag full of several pill bottles that she said her husband had stolen while there, all empty. She says he admitted to taking money and jewelry also but she couldn't find it. Then he continued to call and ask them for money, show up at their house high and drunk for months until he was finally arrested and they requested a no contact order.

    I understand that it must be difficult to connect with this woman. I don't think he will ever have a parent relationship with her. And I don't think he has the right to have one. Even if it wasn't his fault. He never did pursue to know if he had a "possible child" out there, after all. But he needs to decide if he wants to know her, to be friends with her. And then set boundaries.

    I would be upset about her asking for money. My father has been in prison since I was 10 but you don't see my panties in a wad over "he didn't financially support me." I am an adult and would never ask anyone for money unless my kids' lives depended on it.

    The whole excuse about not liking to talk on the phone is just an excuse. When you make something a priority, you go out of your way to reach it. If connecting with his daughter is a priority, then he sets set aside his discomfort of talking on the phone to make her feel that she is important in his life.

    Would he do that with his other children? If they lived so far away and he only could talk to them in the phone, would he cease all contact? (If he doesn't have other children, consider this hypothetically.)

    But if he doesn't really care to have a relationship with this woman and wants to go back to the way things were before she found him, then he needs to be up front with her. Yeah, that would be a really slimeball move. But he needs to be honest with hissed and her about this whole thing.

    Edited to add a word my phone missed.
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  • NineoceansNineoceans member
    I don't see how you can be judging her. At least she is providing physical and financial support to all her kids versus not ever contacting them or sending a nickel of support....you see where you both look crazy hypocritical?
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  • twister22twister22 member
    I think your husband should speak with a counselor to learn methods to communicate with and "father" his daughter. I think he needs to make more of an effort to call her, and to also let her know that she can just as easily pick up the phone, and that there needs to be give and take.

    Your husband has this daughter and three grandchildren. Does he do anything for them for their birthday or Christmas? My parents and ILs give me, DH, and our 2 kids birthday and Christmas gifts. My parents usually give DH & I money or gift cards for our birthday/Christmas. I think that's a pretty typical thing?

    The money situation is tough. Your DH didn't support her growing up, but he didn't see her either. It's not like he was a deadbeat who was ordered to pay CS and just didn't do it - he didn't know. Is there anything he can do to make up for that? Maybe start a savings account for his 3 grandchildren from his daughter? Or tell his daughter that he has x amount of money he would like to give her for a house down payment? Something?

    It's a really tough situation, and I can only imagine how difficult it must be. Has your husband met his grandchildren?
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  • MJN9510MJN9510 member
    twister22 said:
    I think your husband should speak with a counselor to learn methods to communicate with and "father" his daughter. I think he needs to make more of an effort to call her, and to also let her know that she can just as easily pick up the phone, and that there needs to be give and take.

    Your husband has this daughter and three grandchildren. Does he do anything for them for their birthday or Christmas? My parents and ILs give me, DH, and our 2 kids birthday and Christmas gifts. My parents usually give DH & I money or gift cards for our birthday/Christmas. I think that's a pretty typical thing?

    The money situation is tough. Your DH didn't support her growing up, but he didn't see her either. It's not like he was a deadbeat who was ordered to pay CS and just didn't do it - he didn't know. Is there anything he can do to make up for that? Maybe start a savings account for his 3 grandchildren from his daughter? Or tell his daughter that he has x amount of money he would like to give her for a house down payment? Something?

    It's a really tough situation, and I can only imagine how difficult it must be. Has your husband met his grandchildren?
    We send birthday cards and we send money for everyone for christmas.  We do talk to her, just not as much as she would like, but like I said, she doesnt make any attempt to call her on his own.  We are not in a financial situation where we would be able to do anything extra, like bank accounts or money for a downpayment on a house.  We dont do those things for DH's other 2 adult children or grandchildren either.  We do the same for all of the adult kids and the grandkids. 
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  • +just+j++just+j+ member
    Then he should convey that to her that the other kids arent being funded either. And that the phone works bith ways.

    He should stay consistent and regular in his phone calls, gifting, and invitations to visit. If she wants to blow things up into a woe is me, thats on her.
    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
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