On the topic of vaccination - what do you say?

hfooter · January 2014

I have one friend who doesn't vaccinate herself and her almost 1 year old.

I really don't want to subject my kid to anyone that doesn't vaccinate if at all possible.

So my question is, how do I approach her with this issue without her freaking out and ending our friendship (which she did recently with another friend who didn't invite her to a friends thanksgiving because there was a 3 week old baby there and the mom was concerned about her being around people and kids who weren't vaccinated)?

Anyone with any experience?

pistolpackinmomma · January 2014

When you don't vax then people quit inviting you to things if ither people's safety is a concern. If she ends friendships that quickly then I would reconsider the friendship. Especially since you are about to have your own LO's safety to worry about.

pistolpackinmomma · January 2014

To approach it I would be honest. Tell her that with her and her children not being properly vaccinated it puts your child at risk. A risk you aren't willing to take. So until your LO is able to be fully vaccinated the you feel the need to limit contact. If she ends the friendship over that then she clearly doesn't care about the safety of your family.

LUCKY22 · January 2014

It's hard to reason with someone that's not being reasonable. If she seriously ended a friendship over the issue, I would have to expect her to act irrationally with you as well - there is probably no getting around that. That, however, would not deter me from keeping my kid away from hers.

She made her decision, she needs to respect others as well.

hfooter · January 2014

You ladies are both right. Ugh just not looking forward to the discussion at all. I'm more of an avoider than a confronter. Which is not an awesome trait.

cnbean · January 2014

I too tend to avoid confrontation. I personally just wouldn't say anything about it to her. She obviously isn't going to vaccinate her kid so I just would limit contact or avoid her until your child is able to be fully vaccinated. If she makes a big deal out of that, then I would explain my reasons but I wouldn't seek out that fight.

jenb_99 · January 2014

You can start with "It's your choice and I'm not criticizing or judging you for it or trying to start an argument, but I'm just uncomfortable having my baby around anyone who isn't vaccinated." A rational adult would respect your choice just as she expects others to respect hers. She'll learn pretty quickly that non-vaxers aren't very popular party guests.

jjh471 · January 2014

My best friend chose not to vax her son. At ALL. She had a few choice words with me when I told her that I got the flu shot (while pregnant) AND that I would be vaxing my LO.

She is always talking about getting our sons together, having play dates etc. Honestly, I don't know what to do or say. Her son isn't in any child care, so hes not exposed to a ton. But I think that I will most likely say that I don't want her son around mine when he is just born. It's going to be very, very hard. Like I said, she is my best friend, we live less than 5 minutes away from each other. We are constantly together. It's a crappy situation all around. I know shes going to want to bring her son up to the hospital when I have the baby and I'm not even sure what to do about that. I'm sort of putting it off until I really need to broach the subject.

raeg13 · January 2014

I agree with PPs and say honesty is the best policy in this situation. It doesn't sound like she will like to hear it since she got upset with another friend who didn't want her child around them, but maybe that will help her take it better this time when another person voices their concerns. Ultimately, you have to do whatever you're most comfortable with. Don't think of it is as being a confrontation because then you might go into it feeling defensive. Think of it as a friendly discussion (wouldn't that be nice if it actually works out that way?!

) Good luck!

pistolpackinmomma · January 2014

jjh471 said:
My best friend chose not to vax her son. At ALL. She had a few choice words with me when I told her that I got the flu shot (while pregnant) AND that I would be vaxing my LO.

She is always talking about getting our sons together, having play dates etc. Honestly, I don't know what to do or say. Her son isn't in any child care, so hes not exposed to a ton. But I think that I will most likely say that I don't want her son around mine when he is just born. It's going to be very, very hard. Like I said, she is my best friend, we live less than 5 minutes away from each other. We are constantly together. It's a crappy situation all around. I know shes going to want to bring her son up to the hospital when I have the baby and I'm not even sure what to do about that. I'm sort of putting it off until I really need to broach the subject.

Check with your hospital but our hospital has a minimum age that non sibling kids are allowed to visit new moms/babies.

rainydayluck · January 2014

You all (that have friends that don't fax), need to start now with being your child's best advocate. Is a friendship that important that you would rather put your child's health at risk than ruffle feathers? If you are a non-confrontational person now, that usually has to change after you have a kid. You are their voice. No one else.

jjh471 · January 2014

pistolpackinmomma said:

My best friend chose not to vax her son. At ALL. She had a few choice words with me when I told her that I got the flu shot (while pregnant) AND that I would be vaxing my LO.

She is always talking about getting our sons together, having play dates etc. Honestly, I don't know what to do or say. Her son isn't in any child care, so hes not exposed to a ton. But I think that I will most likely say that I don't want her son around mine when he is just born. It's going to be very, very hard. Like I said, she is my best friend, we live less than 5 minutes away from each other. We are constantly together. It's a crappy situation all around. I know shes going to want to bring her son up to the hospital when I have the baby and I'm not even sure what to do about that. I'm sort of putting it off until I really need to broach the subject.
Check with your hospital but our hospital has a minimum age that non sibling kids are allowed to visit new moms/babies.

THANK YOU for this!! I might not even check and just tell her he can't come up b/c he doesn't meet the minimum age and he probably wont, he will just be 1 when I have my LO.

busterbeagle · January 2014

I totally understand being non-confrontational, but you might be surprised at how your inner mama-bear comes out when the time comes to have this discussion. At least that's what I've found when it comes to the "well we did it this way and our kids turned out fine!" issues like car seats, back to sleep, etc.

JoelleOK · January 2014

Whenever somebody around me gets nostalgic for the good old days I always think to myself about the infant/child/childbirth death rates from those delightful days. There is a reason many cultures did not name their babies until they were 1 year old.

On your conversation with your friend, is there a compromise between fully vaccinated and her no vax that you would be comfortable with? For instance I never got the chicken pox vax but I don't think it's as serious a disease as polio. Even if she starts right away it will take months for her baby to get the minimum vaccines.

oscarwao · January 2014

I would write a well worded letter expressing how much you want the friendship to continue, etc, but that you're not comfortable having her non vaccinated son around your son, etc. The best you can do is offer to continue to be a good friend - if she doesn't take you up on the offer, her loss.

cmatteis · January 2014

Agree with PP, but also suggest facetime to keep in contact during this important time in your life so keep the friendship going, if that is what you both want. I think making the effort to stay connected is important and if she isn't interested because you are protecting your baby then she isn't a good friend anyways.

hfooter · January 2014

JoelleOK said:
Whenever somebody around me gets nostalgic for the good old days I always think to myself about the infant/child/childbirth death rates from those delightful days. There is a reason many cultures did not name their babies until they were 1 year old.

On your conversation with your friend, is there a compromise between fully vaccinated and her no vax that you would be comfortable with? For instance I never got the chicken pox vax but I don't think it's as serious a disease as polio. Even if she starts right away it will take months for her baby to get the minimum vaccines.

Haha no she is extremely anti vax. She will not vax her kid. She wasn't vaccinated herself for anything growing up. So there is no compromise other than her and her kid not being around my son till he is fully vaccinated.

I'm pretty sure there are a ton of us who weren't vaccinated for chicken pox when we were growing up. Was it even a thing then? I don't think so, otherwise I would have been vaccinated for it.

Anyway, definitely going to talk to her about it and whoever said to not think
of it as a confrontation is right. I need to stop thinking of it this way. I probably am just because of knowing her personality, but that doesn't mean I
have to think of it this way.

marleybarne · January 2014

I agree with everyone who's said to just be honest, as hard as that would be. I would be the same way, not wanting to confront. And I tend to have a "to each her own" attitude with a lot of the choices my friends make. But like everyone has said, her decision affects your child and others around her, so it's a big deal. As much as I'm sure you don't want to go all research-paper on her, you could always find some articles about herd immunity, which seems to me to be a very compelling reason to vaccinate, although with my kids I have just done it without thinking too much about it. But the reality that those who don't vaccinate affect the immunity of the rest of us is really significant. Good luck!

ABColeslaw · January 2014

I have a friend that picks and chooses vaccines for her son. She never gets the flu shot. We love them dearly and enjoy spending time with them. But we've had to be upfront. With Asher's issues it just isn't worth it, so we tell them every year that we'll see them after flu season and only if her son has been well for a period of time. It is tough

This year we'll really need to think about it with a new born coming just around the time we'd normally be hanging with them again.

hfooter · January 2014

ABColeslaw said:
I have a friend that picks and chooses vaccines for her son. She never gets the flu shot. We love them dearly and enjoy spending time with them. But we've had to be upfront. With Asher's issues it just isn't worth it, so we tell them every year that we'll see them after flu season and only if her son has been well for a period of time. It is tough This year we'll really need to think about it with a new born coming just around the time we'd normally be hanging with them again.

See, I hope she is understanding like your friend. Best of luck!

@marleybarne if only providing valid researched worked! She thinks it's all a conspiracy and doesn't believe any of the solid an reputable research out there...

daisyemerson · January 2014

Just speculating here in a devil's advocate sort of way (I'm pro vax), maybe it was a defensive case of hurt feelings? Like she feels like her son is looked at as a dirty diseased germ vessel? Which...he kinda potentially is. No offense to anyone X_X she also might just be upset that she feels the other thanksgiving friend "chose" the other kid over her kid.

I'd take feelings and perception into account when talking to her about it and not just necessarily a scientific approach. She obviously believes in her choices just as much as you do.

I also feel like this is a consequence of her choice to not vax that she's gonna have to eventually learn to accept. Now other mommies don't want their kid to play with her kid. That's going to irk her as well since it seems that a lot of people who CHOOSE not to vax think it's something that doesn't affect anyone else.

Definitely a conversation you need to have though. you can't take the risk of her son even carrying something he may not be showing symptoms for. But for that matter, it's the same situation with her if she has never been vaccinated either.

Good luck!

TheBeeCharmer · January 2014

I thought this said "what do you say about vacation?" And I was going to say "yes please!" Anyway, what PPs have said. Your child's safety is paramount. No friendship or hurt feelings are worth that. I would just be matter of fact about it, but it might not be easy.

On the topic of vaccination - what do you say?

Re: On the topic of vaccination - what do you say?

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