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Working Moms
BeeGirl2
member
Vent (sorry so long)
BeeGirl2
member
in Working Moms
Since I came to the bump I mostly float between this board and the TTGP board. I feel totally insensitive posting this over there since so many women have worked so hard trying to conceive and many still trying, but i need to put this in print in hopes that maybe it will help me start processing and dealing with my new reality.
DH and I have 2 wonderful boys age 2 and 4. We had decided after some discussion that we would stop using birth control a few months ago. In my head I didn't really WANT to get pregnant until Jan. 2014- April 2014 but I realized that was a small window and I should probably start trying earlier. We both agreed we would stop trying in April when I turned 35. (This was actually an agreement we made on our honeymoon). For the last few months I have really gotten excited about the idea of one more baby... Dreamt of adding another little baby to our pact. I started charting and temping so I was ready for January....
On New Year's Day DH told me after much thought he is not sure he wants another baby after all. We both work full time, DH2 is almost out of diapers and sleeping pretty good most of the time. He makes very good points as these are all things that I worried about too. He said he would still do it for me but its just not really what he WANTS.
I wish we had this conversation 6 moths ago. I feel like I trained for the Olympics, got to the Olympics and then was told I could not compete. I feel angry with him and feel like he is taking something from me. I know the right thing to do is stop trying. I have to come to terms with my new reality. I am so grateful for my 2 perfect healthy kids but I fear this hole in my heart will never go away. I hope time will heal that? I am trying to see the bright side but just feel raw... I am not going to try to have another baby to save my marriage but what if my feelings of regret ruin the very thing I was trying to save? Just feeling a little lost and thought maybe some of you would have a little insight.
DH and I have 2 wonderful boys age 2 and 4. We had decided after some discussion that we would stop using birth control a few months ago. In my head I didn't really WANT to get pregnant until Jan. 2014- April 2014 but I realized that was a small window and I should probably start trying earlier. We both agreed we would stop trying in April when I turned 35. (This was actually an agreement we made on our honeymoon). For the last few months I have really gotten excited about the idea of one more baby... Dreamt of adding another little baby to our pact. I started charting and temping so I was ready for January....
On New Year's Day DH told me after much thought he is not sure he wants another baby after all. We both work full time, DH2 is almost out of diapers and sleeping pretty good most of the time. He makes very good points as these are all things that I worried about too. He said he would still do it for me but its just not really what he WANTS.
I wish we had this conversation 6 moths ago. I feel like I trained for the Olympics, got to the Olympics and then was told I could not compete. I feel angry with him and feel like he is taking something from me. I know the right thing to do is stop trying. I have to come to terms with my new reality. I am so grateful for my 2 perfect healthy kids but I fear this hole in my heart will never go away. I hope time will heal that? I am trying to see the bright side but just feel raw... I am not going to try to have another baby to save my marriage but what if my feelings of regret ruin the very thing I was trying to save? Just feeling a little lost and thought maybe some of you would have a little insight.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Vent (sorry so long)
Lol. Yep, considering I just turned 40, am 21 weeks pregnant, and have a 17 mo old.
DH and I have had many talks in the past about baby #3. We have made lists, talked about the pros and about the cons over and over. Looking back now I almost wonder if I ignored some of the signs that he was not really FOR it. I think he was always afraid to come out and say it because he knew how badly I really wanted it. We even talked more this weekend and he stressed again that he WOULD do it but it would FOR me. He is fulfilled and happy with 2 and feels our plate is full. We both work full time, financially we make ends meet but certainly are not rolling in money, we have a lot of loving feeling but not much for babysitters, so we have very little “us” time. He cannot understand how 2 is not enough and I cannot understand how we he cannot want another baby… I should also mention that I do not think 35 is a magic number for not having more babies. When we decided to start our family I was 29. We talked on our honeymoon and after that we wanted to have a clear definition of time and then look forward to the “next stage”. If I had started trying for my first and it took me longer to conceive then I am sure 35 would have been an unrealistic goal. The more I think about it now the more I think that I need to throw that number out the window and let my family be and just sees what happens. Maybe he will come around and that number 35 won’t matter. Maybe I will see my children getting older and not want to return to diapers and bottles (although I find that unlikely… you never know). I cannot and will not trick him into a baby or even hope or try for an oops. My 2nd was unplanned (although we always planned to have at least 2) the timing wasn't great and I did not like the way I felt. I knew how blessed I was to be pregnant and to have another baby I hated it not being on my terms. I felt this way and I WANTED more kids. I cannot imagine how my hubby would feel if an oops happened and he DIDN'T want another baby. My focus now is on my marriage. I have to be sure that our beliefs and desires do not separate us. I do not want to hold my friend’s babies and resent him. We have just never been on such opposites ends on anything in our 9 years together and it is very scary…
OP, I understand how you feel. I have been temping etc. in preparation for our second and if DH turned around and said he didn't want a 2nd, I would feel exactly the same way. That being said though, I think you just need to take some time and enjoy the two kids you do have and maybe re-visit the conversation in a few months. You might feel differently or he might. In the next few months, instead of focusing on a 3rd, try and picture your family with just two kids. There is also an article floating around on FB (https://shortwinded.net/so-you-would-like-to-have-three-children/) which discusses one person's experience with three kids. I personally would like three but DH wants two and reading this article made me pause about whether I really do want three kids.
Hope this helps!