--updated Advice on how not to be a btch?

pcrumley · January 2014

***pregnancy mentioned***Okay, so bare with me bc I'm typing this on my ipad. [and can't make paragraphs] ....I have to go out with a close friend tomorrow for lunch, she also happens to be my boss lol. .(who is 9 months pregnant )--I don't know if many of you keep up with my comments but --long story short (she knows about our IF, but when she asks about it, she is constantly rubbing her belly) she doesn't do it to rub it in my face but, she does it. Anyway tomorrow the lunch is just going to be me, and her. . We agreed to meet up bc she is about to go on maternity leave, and I never went to her shower (too difficult for me, also it was during a flare up from my AIMD. .) anyway I just wanna get the baby stuff outta my houseeee lol! So my question is, if she brings up IF how can I not be snippy, I can't help but look at her life and be so envious. . She has the job I want, the baby I want, and a banging body. . Did I mention she's like 120lbs pregnant? Yah!

ridiculous! ! So do any of you got some good advice on this touchy subject. . Ps: I love you all -here's a hunk for getting through my essay! Lol

JadziaDax · January 2014

What a difficult situation to be in! And you can't get out of it since you already missed the shower, 'cause my usual advice is "just don't go" lol.

In a way, you know what to expect so you can keep your guard up. Based on your past experiences with her, you know she will bring up IF and she will probably rub her stomach so my advice would be to just expect it and try to remain as calm as possible. I would probably tell her, "yeah, you know that story by now. Not much has changed" and just leave it at that. Or you can always tell her you are taking a break for a while and focusing on other things, even if it isn't true. She will be on maternity leave and you won't have to deal with her in your face all the time at work, so at least there's that to look forward to.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this and it sucks that she's your boss so you're kind of stuck dealing with this. So far, it sounds like you've been handling things pretty well. I hope it goes better tomorrow than expected.

jencity9 · January 2014

Ugh that is really rough! Especially when they mean well but they still make it so difficult. Could you just do what the PP said and sort of say "oh not much has changed" and then change the subject? Or just be direct and say you really would rather not talk about it? I don't think that would be rude at all. Or just say it's difficult to talk about and right now you'd rather not?

pcrumley · January 2014

Yeah, thanks ladies those are some good options! :-SS

Hopeful1029 · January 2014

BFP MENTIONED......NOT MINE. Ugh, how shitty.....I'm sorry you're going to have to deal with this

you definitely know she'll bring it up....I had a similar situation with someone I actually was going through IF with, so to speak. We had both been ttc x12 months and she ended up with a BFP. She asks intermittently about "what's new" with me, and I know it's not malicious and it's pure concern and love, but it sucks to talk about regardless! So, I've found myself saying "I'm really not up for talking about it today" and the topic drops. It's not that I don't want to talk to someone, but I really don't want to talk to someone who isn't going through the troubles I am. I found it to be a super easy "out" for me, hope it helps. P.S. if you find yourself getting overwhelmed with all the baby-ness, start to focus on the not-so-good things about her, no matter how small or petty....are her fingernails a hot mess? Does she have a chin hair or a slight shadow of a mustache? Does she have any gray hair popping out? Food stuck in her teeth?? Lol not trying to be catty, but if you're feeling suddenly overwhelmed and sad, a slight distraction might help

chickysue · January 2014

I would go and give her the gift at the end. Leave it in the car. Don't have her open it with you. When you get there, talk about the holidays and work. Talk about work gossip that will distract her. Apologize for not making the shower and tell her about your flare-up.
Ask questions about her that won't warrant a huge "I'm delivering a baby" conversation. Ask her if her DH is off for a long time from work, if she's taking extra time after maternity.

If things get too heavy for you, excuse yourself to the bathroom, re-group and come back with a different conversation to have.

You can do this, even though it's difficult.

RunCC37 · January 2014

"It's a bit of a sensitive topic at the moment, and I don't really want to get I to it now." ::change subject to something else::

That's what I'd do (actually, I'd probably bail, but it sounds like you're set on going). Good luck!

DharmaChick · January 2014

calindi said:

You're probably not going to be able to get through the lunch without talking about her pregnancy and pending baby, so figure out which subjects are the easiest for you to deal with, and which ones are hot button issues, and try to steer the conversation in a direction that's easiest for you. If something gets hard, just change the subject to something else you can deal with. With my very pregnant friend, talking about showers and gifts from people (especially cute outfits) was very hard for me, so I talked about car seat safety and breastfeeding, which for whatever reason seemed easier that day to handle (probably because it didn't make me envious that her boobs are about to hurt a lot and nipples chaffed ;-) )

^This! I have found that this works for me too. I find that the cute/fun stuff is what hurts, but discussing some of the mundane/less-enviable details is a lot easier.

ejrobbi · January 2014

I feel very connected to this. My 'best friend' recently had a baby... and she used to be my former boss. She had the baby in November but our friendship started to fall off long before that. She obviously knows about my IF issues and has always been very supportive but... as much as I sound like a bitch, I don't feel like she has been very supportive in recent months. I KNOW she just had a baby but she hasn't called or texted me in weeks and I haven't even seen the baby... I always text her to check in but nothing from her... so no I don't have any advice other than pregnancy changes people... she too was 120 lbs preggo and was constantly rubbing her belly... oh did i mention her and her hubby weren't even trying???? GRRRR! Anyways, best of luck to you, I know what you are going through and don't be hard on yourself, if you end up being a bitch to her so be it... you are going through a lot right now, we all are and we can't be constantly worrying about what people thing of us... those are my thoughts. Good luck!

pcrumley · January 2014

Thanks everyone! UPDATE: lunch went well, and as it happened--my husband actually tagged along, so it was a huge ice breaker, she asked about his work ect. So obviousally baby stuff was brought up, I did give her her gifts, I also bought her future son a wildlife book, we work in wildlife, and it's just this cute naturey-type book with winter scenes.. It does sting, I saw her opening those gifts, and just had a (scrubs moment) where I was wishing it was me-unwrapping the gifts, and holding up the outfits. But it's not..it's been three years and more and more I just hold it in..

she did ask about our IF and we brought her up to pace with hsg,explaining that, and the iui's coming up ect, and she said "well keep me updated" all and all it wasn't too bad, . I'll go and see her when she delivers the baby, most likely once she's home to keep up with the 'joneses' so to speak.. (Side note: we got more paperwork from a potential adoption agency today, just like pamphlets, FAQS, ect) but when I was reading some of the info to my DH he acts like he's not on the same page as me.. I mean I'll try everything to have our own blood sweat and tears take home baby-but I wanna consider other things if we try every single way to possibly have a child and we can't) ugh idk. I'm just a downer Dave today. I love you all!!!

malerina · January 2014

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