Loss check in

shandorfml2 · January 2014

Haven't had one in a few weeks...

Welcome to the checkin! I am sorry to have to welcome new loss moms this week but am so glad that you have found us. I hope we can bring each other some much needed comfort and support. Please feel free to join in when you are ready and share as much or as little as you wish. Also, if you have any questions you would like answered, just ask! Any lurkers out there please don't be shy, we would like to be able to support you too.

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

QOTW: What are your hopes and wishes for 2014?

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

kz's_girlygirl · January 2014

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? Not really any obvious or intentional steps, but I am feeling a deeper sense of acceptance. I still have (plenty of) moments of anger etc., but I am getting closer to a place where I realize that yes, Jesse did die, but it was not anyone's fault. It's a hard realization to come to because I desperately want to place to blame somewhere, but there just isn't anyone to blame.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? My next goal is to find a way to continue to honor the struggle we went through to finally conceive Jesse, the amazing fact of his existence, and the evolution of my own spirit through and after his death. That mostly looks like lighting his candle every day, remembering the wonder and magic of my pregnancy and his physical being, and continuing to acknowledge that it's ok for me to be in a place where, even though I don't know where his spark of life exists now, I do know that it does still exist on some level.

QOTW: What are your hopes and wishes for 2014? To "Leave the ashes, but take the fire," in as many ways as possible. 2013 was a shitty year, but it definitely gave me new understanding on many fronts. I hope I can take those lessons with me, and leave the pain and bitterness behind as much as possible.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

stefuge · January 2014

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?
Had a long talk with DH last night about how we grieve differently. He is much more ready to "move on" and not be sad all the time. I am still sad every day, it just doesn't go away. And I don't feel like it will, at least not any time soon. He is trying to accept that, that this is how I feel and he can't jut fix it and make it go away.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?
Right now, it is to stick to my spending budget. I have been doing a bit too much retail therapy lately, and I need to find a better way to deal with feeling sad than the instant gratification of shopping.

QOTW: What are your hopes and wishes for 2014?
I hope that we can come to a decision about whether we are going to try and grow our family again. some days I really want another baby and others I am content where we are. Some days I don't think I could handle the fear of trying again but others I really want to have a baby to love on and cherish every moment that we have with that little one and every moment that we lost with Colton. We are still benched for a couple more months, so no decision has to be made right away, but I figure it will be some time this year that we decide to either try again or decide that we are done.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?
I have an appointment with my OB next week so I'm hoping to get an idea of what another pregnancy would look like, what would be done differently. I've been feeling a lot of anger toward my doctor as well, so I'm hoping that talking to her about that will help me to let it go.

neptunebljc · January 2014

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

Not really. I'm still surprised by the moments are sadness, like at the store and hearing a new born cry. Sometimes it has no effects and other times it is so haunting. I've been trying to figure out ways to express myself more. Writing more in my journal, doing some craft stuff. I'm need to more better use of my time jobless.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?
My next goal is finding a job. I want to do sometghjn meaningful so I've been applying for a lot of jobs that are no so close to home. The problem is I fear the need for money will out weigh the want for a better job and i will end up back at a place I dislike.
QOTW: What are your hopes and wishes for 2014?

Job, baby, maybe some weight loss

I hope that I can change my lifestyle to fit how I want to be precevived.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

Nervous about TTC . the roller coaster just drives me nuts. And since all my blood work came back negative, we don't have any idea how this next pregnancy will go. Quite scary.

kflynn81 · January 2014

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

DH and I had our first appt. with a grief counselor. Since it was only the first appt. it was an hour of "get to know you" questions and only skimmed on the surface of why we were there. She seems nice though and we'll see her again on Tuesday. I also found a local meeting for the Share organization. Going through infertility was very stressful and I was fortunate enough to find the Resolve organization and a local support group. It helped me so much and I'm hoping Share can help me through this as well.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? --- Once I'm feeling better I'd like to get back to the gym and start running/jogging again. I havent done it in a few years but I've registered for the Chicago Preeclampsia Promise Walk and 5k Run and I'm determined to run it. If I can go through the pain of the last few weeks I can run 3 miles.

QOTW: What are your hopes and wishes for 2014? --- To find some peace and acceptance. I'm pretty far from that point now but I'm hopeful it will come eventually.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?--- My poor little furbaby. She got sick the day after I came home from the hospital and had to have minor surgery yesterday. It was very stressful on me since it just seems like everything is going wrong lately. She's home and ok, just has a cone on her head and is bumping into everything, LOL

shandorfml2 · January 2014

kz's_girlygirl said:

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? Not really any obvious or intentional steps, but I am feeling a deeper sense of acceptance. I still have (plenty of) moments of anger etc., but I am getting closer to a place where I realize that yes, Jesse did die, but it was not anyone's fault. It's a hard realization to come to because I desperately want to place to blame somewhere, but there just isn't anyone to blame.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? My next goal is to find a way to continue to honor the struggle we went through to finally conceive Jesse, the amazing fact of his existence, and the evolution of my own spirit through and after his death. That mostly looks like lighting his candle every day, remembering the wonder and magic of my pregnancy and his physical being, and continuing to acknowledge that it's ok for me to be in a place where, even though I don't know where his spark of life exists now, I do know that it does still exist on some level.

QOTW: What are your hopes and wishes for 2014? To "Leave the ashes, but take the fire," in as many ways as possible. 2013 was a shitty year, but it definitely gave me new understanding on many fronts. I hope I can take those lessons with me, and leave the pain and bitterness behind as much as possible.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

Acceptance is a hard step. I think sometimes I still haven't fully accepted it...but that first realization that yes, your child is dead is so huge. ((hugs))

shandorfml2 · January 2014

stefuge said:

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?
Had a long talk with DH last night about how we grieve differently. He is much more ready to "move on" and not be sad all the time. I am still sad every day, it just doesn't go away. And I don't feel like it will, at least not any time soon. He is trying to accept that, that this is how I feel and he can't jut fix it and make it go away.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?
Right now, it is to stick to my spending budget. I have been doing a bit too much retail therapy lately, and I need to find a better way to deal with feeling sad than the instant gratification of shopping.

QOTW: What are your hopes and wishes for 2014?
I hope that we can come to a decision about whether we are going to try and grow our family again. some days I really want another baby and others I am content where we are. Some days I don't think I could handle the fear of trying again but others I really want to have a baby to love on and cherish every moment that we have with that little one and every moment that we lost with Colton. We are still benched for a couple more months, so no decision has to be made right away, but I figure it will be some time this year that we decide to either try again or decide that we are done.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?
I have an appointment with my OB next week so I'm hoping to get an idea of what another pregnancy would look like, what would be done differently. I've been feeling a lot of anger toward my doctor as well, so I'm hoping that talking to her about that will help me to let it go.

Hope your appt with your OB next week is helpful and maybe offer some closure ((hugs))

shandorfml2 · January 2014

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?Made it through the holidays, and a new year. pretty big accomplishment

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?We are now TTC again. I'm really excited...we were benched for three months to regulate cycles. I'm so ready to be pregnant...

QOTW: What are your hopes and wishes for 2014?
To have our rainbow....be in a better position financially so we can buy a house either this year or next.
Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? Getting closer and closer to my girl's birthday. I cannot believe it. it feels like just yesterday I joined this board. I really want to be pregnant, and feel ready. Damn PCOS. I feel like some people get pregnant so easily and I'm jealous. We tried for 6 months after losing Ana, and nothing.

kz's_girlygirl · January 2014

shandorfml2 said:

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? I feel like some people get pregnant so easily and I'm jealous.

I totally get this feeling ::hugs::

stefuge · January 2014

kz's_girlygirl said:

shandorfml2 said:

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? I feel like some people get pregnant so easily and I'm jealous.

I totally get this feeling ::hugs::

((Hugs))

sparrowmomma24 · January 2014

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? I finally finished the book I've been trying to read since losing Ellie on September 9th. I Will Carry You... it was phenomenal and really helped me through some tough days. I'm still struggling day to day. The biggest issue I'm having is thinking that I'm forgetting her. So many days I get busy and I feel happy. And then I feel guilty. It's a really tough balance; a fine line to walk. However, the other big thing I've done in the last few months was going to support group. It's been really healing.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? The next goal I have is planning a special day for Ellie's due date. She was due to arrive January 15th. I know it will be a hard day but I'm trying to find something small and positive to do that day in memory of her.

QOTW: What are your hopes and wishes for 2014? For 2014... I hope to get back to my pre-baby weight. Honestly, my goal is to lose 40lbs by June 1st. It'll be a tough goal and I'm a little scared of it, but I hope it will happen. I want to be as healthy as possible before TTC in 2015. I will be getting married at the end of 2014 (yay!) and we want to TTC right after the wedding. It's a scary thing. I also hope to keep her memory alive and use Ellie and her amazing story to help others.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? This week I've been thinking a lot about where I should have been. I should be preparing to have my baby right now. I should be feeling super uncomfortable and large with my healthy baby girl kicking the crap out of me. But that's not what's happening. I can't seem to stop thinking about that these days. I think about the fact that I will never know what color her eyes were. What color her hair was. What her laugh or cry sounded like...

stefuge · January 2014

@sparrowmomma24 - your EDD can be a very difficult day - I know I dreaded it. But often, it's the days leading up to the anticipated day that are harder than the actual day. For me, it helped to have some plans for the day, so I got out of bed, but nothing too intense. ((Hugs))

cdale86 · January 2014

***Ticker Warning***

Hey ladies. I haven't been very active, but have been lurking. I think I might try to be more active here. It's been helpful reading everyone's posts.

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?
I have tried to allow myself to get upset/cry. I've been hit out of nowhere recently with emotion. I felt like I prepared for the holidays but not New Years. I didn't realize how much pain it would cause. I felt like we were leaving Bennett behind by moving into a new year. I'm so glad we just had a quiet night in because I was ugly crying at midnight. I'm also getting more comfortable mentioning Bennett to strangers/acquaintances. I mentioned something about "before babies" today. The person knew I had a daughter and questioned "babies." I just responded with "Yes. I had twins."
What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

Continue to be open about Bennett with everyone. Try to lose these last few pounds. I've been back in pre-pregnancy clothes but my jeans could definitely look a little better. My plan is to carve out more time for the gym (baby-free). We walk now around the track, but I want to work out HARD.

QOTW: What are your hopes and wishes for 2014?

To leave my anger behind. To have a more positive outlook on life and be less cynical. To be less anxious. To get pregnant. I am beyond lucky to have my daughter, but I was expecting twins. I want her to have a brother or sister close in age. I want chaos. It took us 2 years, expensive IVF and a lot of heartache to get her. I'm hoping for minimal stress to get pg.
Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

I'm stressed over figuring out my parenting style and doing things "right." Playing with her enough, choosing appropriate play activities to stimulate her development, etc. I think if Bennett was here, I would just be happy that they're needs were met and they were happy. Because I have more time to focus on Berkeley I feel like I need to do everything "right." I wouldn't have time to research all the "right" things if Bennett was here. Clearly, I know this thinking is wrong and I'm working on it. Also, I want to reorganize my entire house.

stefuge · January 2014

***DS mentioned***

@cdale86 - you are always welcome! I love having the support of all these ladies! Good for you for talking about Bennett more. That would be incredibly difficult, knowing that your daughter is a twin and missing her brother. Also, don't beat yourself up about the parenting. The first year is really really hard. My goal with our first was just to survive. There is so much going on, and so many changes that first year. She is learning so much just in the day to day, and if you really are worried about her development, speak to your pediatrician and see about an early intervention program. We did this with DS as he was behind in a couple developmental areas and it has made a huge difference. ((Hugs))

mingaling2 · January 2014

stefuge said:

QOTW: What are your hopes and wishes for 2014?
I hope that we can come to a decision about whether we are going to try and grow our family again. some days I really want another baby and others I am content where we are. Some days I don't think I could handle the fear of trying again but others I really want to have a baby to love on and cherish every moment that we have with that little one and every moment that we lost with Colton. We are still benched for a couple more months, so no decision has to be made right away, but I figure it will be some time this year that we decide to either try again or decide that we are done.

I can relate so much to this.

VyD81 · January 2014

.....TTC warning.....

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? Not really, I cried more the last few days and got upset at DH because I thought he was moving on too quick. We had a long talk and he said he was being strong for me. He misses our son Raynor a lot, and have the same doubts and fear about the future and if we can ever be active parent.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? Due to our age, we will TTC again. Even though I know that there was nothing I could've done to save our boy, I'm working on eating and staying healthy for the next pregnancy.

QOTW: What are your hopes and wishes for 2014? Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? I want to be at the best shape and eat right. Glad the holiday season is over, that was rough.

shandorfml2 · January 2014

.....TTC warning.....

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? Not really, I cried more the last few days and got upset at DH because I thought he was moving on too quick. We had a long talk and he said he was being strong for me. He misses our son Raynor a lot, and have the same doubts and fear about the future and if we can ever be active parent.
What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? Due to our age, we will TTC again. Even though I know that there was nothing I could've done to save our boy, I'm working on eating and staying healthy for the next pregnancy.
QOTW: What are your hopes and wishes for 2014? Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? I want to be at the best shape and eat right. Glad the holiday season is over, that was rough.

It's very normal for men and women to grieve differently. I to thought my husband was "moving on" when he was trying to be strong for me. He grieves privately when I'm not home, but I cry whenever.

bunnybun4 · January 2014

@shandorfml2 - congrats on being off of the bench!!! really hoping 2014 is it for you!

@sparrowmomma24 I LOVED "I will carry you"...it really helped me let go of a lot of anger and questions I had.

CRUN2012 · January 2014

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?
I've cried a lot and talked about and to Carter a lot. I had a wedding with a bunch of friends and I recently found out 2 of them are expecting. I'm so happy for them but I'm so jealous and sad at the same time. Its a tough rollercoaster of emotions.

;What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?
Well I've gotten back into my workouts and I'm loving it. My goal is to plan a vacation for DH and myself next month. We are thinking either Florida or Vegas. We've been to both places and had a great time so I think either one will be nice!

QOTW: What are your hopes and wishes for 2014? Definitely to get pregnant again! I've already gone through one cycle so just 2 more before we can start ttc again!!

What is on your mind this week?
It's fricken cold here. I'm trying to stay warm

other than that just taking things a day at a time. My EDD was January 28 so I'm hoping things go okay and I can stay strong.

shandorfml2 · January 2014

marylaurena said:

@shandorfml2 - congrats on being off of the bench!!! really hoping 2014 is it for you!
@sparrowmomma24 I LOVED "I will carry you"...it really helped me let go of a lot of anger and questions I had.

Thanks

neptunebljc · January 2014

@sparrowmomma24 We had the same EDD. Do you have anything special planned? My grief counselor said I definitely needed to do something in my Beans name. I'm still not sure what I want to do.

sparrowmomma24 · January 2014

neptunebljc said:

@sparrowmomma24 We had the same EDD. Do you have anything special planned? My grief counselor said I definitely needed to do something in my Beans name. I'm still not sure what I want to do.

@neptunebljc

My pregnancy and the birth of my darling Ellie were very interesting to say the least. When I found out I was pregnant, my fiancee of almost a year (living in NY, while my entire family lives in Missouri) told me to abort or get out of his life. So I moved home with my family. My parents and I are trying to figure out what to do. We are going to do a balloon release on her birthday (September 9), but I'm not sure I want to do that on her EDD. I know I will light a candle. We've thought about going out for a nice dinner and just celebrating the time we had with her. My grief counselor said the same thing. Luckily, we have Infant Loss Support group on my EDD this month. So I think that will help. Please feel free to reach out to me on that day. It's already really hard. I've been so emotional already.

neptunebljc · January 2014

@sparrowmomma24 That is harsh. I couldn't imagine going through that with your fiancee. Luckily you had your family as support.

I was thinking about doing a balloon release as well, Just not keen on the environment things. I was thinking of doing the letter writing. I was thinking of maybe seeing if my mom and MIL wanted to come over for dinner or something. I am just worried I will be a wreck.

That will be nice to go to the Infant Loss support group. I don't have one of those. I was seeing a grief counselor as well, but haven't gone back since I loss my job.

Times are tough

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