Holiday Loss (newbie)

aezimmerman · January 2014

Hello all. I posted on the TTC after loss board and I was encouraged to post here since I am still reeling from the loss. I have no clue if I want to TTC. I guess I am still in a very raw place. I lost the baby the day after Christmas. To make matters worse, I was home visiting family. So there I was in an ER with a stranger for a doctor. As much as he tried to be gentle with the news that I was indeed in the midst of a miscarriage, he did not know me and his approach did not fit my personality. He had no clue how excited I was to finally be fulfilling a life long dream. He did not know my history and the fact my biological clock has been ticking for over 5 years. Perhaps the fact that I was only 9 weeks along tempered his approach, but it certainly did not lessen the sting for me. I walked away from the ER a complete mess. Ever since I feel like I am walking through a battlefield full of land-mines. There are commercials about pregnancy tests on tv, I stumble across my baby book, my friend from graduate school tells me she is pregnant, I accidentally walk by the baby section at the grocery store, etc. It all feels like a slap in the face. I did everything I was supposed to, including an injection in my stomach everyday, and still loss the baby. Trying again means doing all that again, but still being at risk for a miscarriage. My medical history makes me an at-risk pregnancy. I have an increased risk for throwing a clot during pregnancy and an increased risk for multiple miscarriages. It doesn't feel like the odds are in my favor. Perhaps this a dream that will just never happen. Then again, can I really just walk away from a dream I have been safeguarding since I was 5 years old? I just don't know...

tumbleweed123 · January 2014

aezimmerman I'm so sorry that you are going through this and that the way you found out was especially painful. Many women on this board also found out in worse ways than necessary (myself included.) I'm still traumatized by the callousness of the MW who was especially rude to me when I found out. I'm so sorry. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. It seem so unfair that anyone should ever have to go through something this painful. I'm glad that you have found this board; there are many women here who understand what you are going through and are also suffering right now. Please take care of yourself and give yourself all the time and space that you need to feel what you need to feel. Read through the other threads on this board when you have the energy...I've found them really helpful and much comfort has been found there for me. Sending you (((hugs)))!

YaMrWhite · January 2014

I'm so sorry sweetie

my situation is a little different than many of the women on this board but I know all too well what you are going through. Life really does suck sometimes. I hope you are able to heal

dns05 · January 2014

I just want to say I'm truly sorry for your loss. It's very emotionally tolling going through a miscarriage. I'm currently going through my second one. It sucks. But, don't give up hope. You might still be able to have that dream come true. Every pregnancy is different. I miscarried my first, but had a beautiful girl 21 months ago. She's my miracle baby. I had a hard time getting pregnant with her so I understand. You will be very sensitive to any baby-related stuff for awhile. It seems like it's constantly in your face, but it will get better. I wish you success if you choose to continue TTC. It's the end of the road for me, but it doesn't have to be for you. Best of luck!

PinkRoses · January 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss. It truly is a traumatic experience. And I'm so sorry that everything happened over the holiday like that. I hope that your family was able to give you some comfort.

Take the time you need to grieve and heal and worry about whether you want to continue TTC later. You have enough on your plate to deal with right now, so take care of yourself and try to take one thing at a time. Sending you lots of hugs and warm thoughts.

redheadscu1 · January 2014

I am so sorry for your loss and that you are going through this. Losing your baby at Christmas time must've been particularly painful. Mine was right before my birthday/Thanksgiving. (also at 9 weeks). Your loss is so recent that it is only natural to feel the way you do about TTC. Fear of another MC was one of my initial reactions too. A member of this board told me that you'll know you're ready to try again when your desire for a baby overcomes your fear of another loss. Give yourself time to grieve, and see how you feel as time goes on. It will hurt less. I dont know that it will ever entirely stop hurting, but you will definitely hurt less than you do right now. Right now is the worst part. It will feel better. Take care of yourself.

Allyson25 · January 2014

Same for me. I was also home visiting family and lost the baby the day after Christmas. We debated coming home early after the miscarriage, but decided it would be best to stay and visit with family more (even though not everybody knew about the pregnancy). We went to my husband's cousin's Christmas party two days later and I was looking forward to it, but then one of their friends showed up and she was pregnant; his cousin had the sonogram pictures from her three beautiful children on the refrigerator; two more cousins showed up, one the exact same age as us, also pregnant. I completely lost it and had to shut myself in the guest bedroom, sobbing my eyes out. Good thing nobody but my husband saw me, I definitely did not feel like explaining what had happened to anybody. I am hoping it gets easier with time. We are here for you whenever you need us.

aezimmerman · January 2014

Thanks for all the support! I wish I could saying being with my family made the whole ordeal better, but honestly it did not make a difference. I am a very private person. When I am hurt, I am like an injured animal; I want to be left alone in a corner to lick my wounds. I just wanted to crawl under the blankets and disappear. The only person I wanted to be with me was my hubby. Unfortunately, he had tons of grading to get finished in order to meet the university deadline. So I hung out and watched whatever I could find on tv. I was very happy to get home the next day. There is something very comforting about being in your own home. I was happy to see my two furry babies when I walked in the door. Now I am relaxing and doing whatever I feel like doing. I am really lucky that I do not have any work commitments for awhile. One of the perks of being a professor is having a solid winter vacation. I have found that it hurts less and less with every day. Reading others' stories certainly have helped. So thank you for sharing. One day I will get to a happy place, and I think it will be sooner rather than later.

francisc · January 2014

So sorry for your loss. I didn't attend our family reunion either, even though it was held at our house (I shut myself in my room, and used the excuse of just coming home from my D&C). Who wants to socialize after going through this, right? My mom told everyone I was resting, and though some cousins wanted to come and talk with me, I heard my mom tell them I was asleep (God bless her!) We do what we need to do to get through the loss. It was especially hard for it to happen during the holidays and finding this group, with everyone experiencing similar emotions has helped me get through the worst.

I too am worried about TTC after this experience, I am still raw. I am giving myself more time to get over the loss and letting myself grieve first. Perhaps on my next check up with my OB I will worry about moving on to the next stage. Bur right now, it is still too early for me to consider moving on.

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