Thanks for being a downer MIL

Emily6778 · January 2014

My MIL was texting me today about my last day of work before maternity leave being today. I told her that i look forward to napping until he gets here, but the sooner he's here the better! She responds back "any day but the 5th please. That's the day my mother passed". Ugh sorry MIL but i have no control over that. Way to make the situation depressing. Now if he is born on the 5th you well forever associate his birth with depression.

FYI- my MIL is perpetually negative and thrives on drama. I'm sure this comes across as insensitive on my part, but i know that she would have to talk about her mom passing every year on his bday and she wouldn't even try to hide the negativity from him.

megs12914 · January 2014

Ugh. That sucks she said that because it is like she is asking for him to come on that day because that is how those things always work! I should give her my MIL's number because she is a drama queen and they could thoroughly entertain each other!

RedSaffron · January 2014

Sorry to hear your Debbie downer MIL. I have the same situation about our baby being born on a certain day. My grandma passed on the 4th and my dad mentioned that I can't give birth on that day too.

SunflowersBride · January 2014

I can't stand when people do this, it seems relatively common.

Emily6778 · January 2014

I guess i just don't understand why people have to take a negative stance on it. Why not say we can celebrate her mothers life by welcoming a new baby?

Emily6778 · January 2014

jessicabcairns said:
Not to take away from your hurt because what she said was uncalled for, but if her mother's death was recent (i.e. 2012/2013) she may still be going through the phases of grief.

FWIW, the 5th of January is a wonderful day to be born

Yes, her mother did pass just last year. However, last year was also the 7th anniv of her father passing and she made sure to talk about it for weeks before and after the date.

Last weekend her uncle passed and it was like she was almost excited to call everyone she knew to talk about it.
I think she just thrives off of the drama and attention she gets in those situations.

LabPupLuv · January 2014

Wow, some people never cease to amaze me... You could always just say that this birth makes it a happier date now and that her mother would be pleased or something to shut her up. So sorry...

About planning a date for birth, what is it with parents? Before my induction date, my dad kept saying that if I just had a date for him it would be easier for him to make plans. Now that I have a date, he wants to know when the baby will come and if it will end in a c section resulting in an extra night at the hospital so he can plan. Um... doesn't work that way! LOL

mrsbeers · January 2014

If I were you, I'd think of a way to throw a positive spin at her the next time she mentions it. Like pp's have said, what could be a better way to celebrate her moms life? It seems to often happen that when someone passes, someone else in the family conceives or gives birth. A lot of people see this as the person who passed away's spirit coming back to bring joy back to the family and to replace (or at least lighten) their grief. Your mil sounds just like my mom with all the drama and making everything about herself. This may not be the case for you, but I know with my mom that sometimes I just have to throw a wrench into her self-absorbed drama and negativity that makes her take a step back and see things a different way for even a minute. She might get defensive and even more self-absorbed in the situation, but at least you're saying how you feel and she'll more than likely stew on your comment later.

Emily6778 · January 2014

mrsbeers said:
If I were you, I'd think of a way to throw a positive spin at her the next time she mentions it. Like pp's have said, what could be a better way to celebrate her moms life? It seems to often happen that when someone passes, someone else in the family conceives or gives birth. A lot of people see this as the person who passed away's spirit coming back to bring joy back to the family and to replace (or at least lighten) their grief. Your mil sounds just like my mom with all the drama and making everything about herself. This may not be the case for you, but I know with my mom that sometimes I just have to throw a wrench into her self-absorbed drama and negativity that makes her take a step back and see things a different way for even a minute. She might get defensive and even more self-absorbed in the situation, but at least you're saying how you feel and she'll more than likely stew on your comment later.

I often daydream about throwing a wrench I'm her self absorbed drama

I would get some pretty serious backlash from DH if I did. Instead i take the passive aggressive route and try to deny her things she wants when she acts like this, ie: babysitting DD coming to visit twice a week, watching DS when i return to work. Awful i know, but its the only way i feel i have some some of control with her.

Anyways, back on topic. I kind of hope DS makes his appearance on the 5th. It would give me great pleasure to push my positive view onto the situation!

mrsbeers · January 2014

Emily6778 said:

mrsbeers said:
If I were you, I'd think of a way to throw a positive spin at her the next time she mentions it. Like pp's have said, what could be a better way to celebrate her moms life? It seems to often happen that when someone passes, someone else in the family conceives or gives birth. A lot of people see this as the person who passed away's spirit coming back to bring joy back to the family and to replace (or at least lighten) their grief. Your mil sounds just like my mom with all the drama and making everything about herself. This may not be the case for you, but I know with my mom that sometimes I just have to throw a wrench into her self-absorbed drama and negativity that makes her take a step back and see things a different way for even a minute. She might get defensive and even more self-absorbed in the situation, but at least you're saying how you feel and she'll more than likely stew on your comment later.
I often daydream about throwing a wrench I'm her self absorbed drama

I would get some pretty serious backlash from DH if I did. Instead i take the passive aggressive route and try to deny her things she wants when she acts like this, ie: babysitting DD coming to visit twice a week, watching DS when i return to work. Awful i know, but its the only way i feel i have some some of control with her.

Anyways, back on topic. I kind of hope DS makes his appearance on the 5th. It would give me great pleasure to push my positive view onto the situation!

What does your husband have to say about her behavior? I totally understand that's it's different for you with her being your mil (and mine my own mom), but does he agree that she's dramatic or does he take her side? The best thing to do might be to talk with your husband about how she makes you feel and ask him to stand up for you. Not asking him to betray her or whatever, but to try to get through to her somehow for your defense.

Emily6778 · January 2014

mrsbeers said:

Emily6778 said:

mrsbeers said:
If I were you, I'd think of a way to throw a positive spin at her the next time she mentions it. Like pp's have said, what could be a better way to celebrate her moms life? It seems to often happen that when someone passes, someone else in the family conceives or gives birth. A lot of people see this as the person who passed away's spirit coming back to bring joy back to the family and to replace (or at least lighten) their grief. Your mil sounds just like my mom with all the drama and making everything about herself. This may not be the case for you, but I know with my mom that sometimes I just have to throw a wrench into her self-absorbed drama and negativity that makes her take a step back and see things a different way for even a minute. She might get defensive and even more self-absorbed in the situation, but at least you're saying how you feel and she'll more than likely stew on your comment later.
I often daydream about throwing a wrench I'm her self absorbed drama

I would get some pretty serious backlash from DH if I did. Instead i take the passive aggressive route and try to deny her things she wants when she acts like this, ie: babysitting DD coming to visit twice a week, watching DS when i return to work. Awful i know, but its the only way i feel i have some some of control with her.

Anyways, back on topic. I kind of hope DS makes his appearance on the 5th. It would give me great pleasure to push my positive view onto the situation!

What does your husband have to say about her behavior? I totally understand that's it's different for you with her being your mil (and mine my own mom), but does he agree that she's dramatic or does he take her side? The best thing to do might be to talk with your husband about how she makes you feel and ask him to stand up for you. Not asking him to betray her or whatever, but to try to get through to her somehow for your defense.

Oh yes, DH knows she's over the top dramatic but would never call her out on it! It was SUPER bad when DD was born, his not standing up for me. Things have improved since then, but everyone in the family tiptoes around her and coddles her. The dynamic is ridiculous but i have learned to work my way around things to make sure my feelings and needs are met. Mostly that involves me being the bad guy, but it doesn't bother me anymore.

4lilmunchkins · January 2014

Ugh, I'm in this situation. My son is now 7, born on Nov. 13th. SO's grandma died 3years ago on Nov. 13th. Every year on my son's birthday SO's mom has to mention how it's the same day her mom died. It's so annoying to me, quit depressing us on my son's special day while we're celebrating.

megs12914 · January 2014

This post made me think of Debbie Downer from SNL!

Emily6778 · January 2014

4lilmunchkins said:

Ugh, I'm in this situation. My son is now 7, born on Nov. 13th. SO's grandma died 3years ago on Nov. 13th. Every year on my son's birthday SO's mom has to mention how it's the same day her mom died. It's so annoying to me, quit depressing us on my son's special day while we're celebrating.

If this ends up being the situation for DS and I, I will seriously ask MIL to never bring it up in his presence!

Emily6778 · January 2014

megs12914 said:

This post made me think of Debbie Downer from SNL!

This is the look that I get whenever I know I have to see her!

mrsbeers · January 2014

Emily6778 said:

If I were you, I'd think of a way to throw a positive spin at her the next time she mentions it. Like pp's have said, what could be a better way to celebrate her moms life? It seems to often happen that when someone passes, someone else in the family conceives or gives birth. A lot of people see this as the person who passed away's spirit coming back to bring joy back to the family and to replace (or at least lighten) their grief. Your mil sounds just like my mom with all the drama and making everything about herself. This may not be the case for you, but I know with my mom that sometimes I just have to throw a wrench into her self-absorbed drama and negativity that makes her take a step back and see things a different way for even a minute. She might get defensive and even more self-absorbed in the situation, but at least you're saying how you feel and she'll more than likely stew on your comment later.
I often daydream about throwing a wrench I'm her self absorbed drama I would get some pretty serious backlash from DH if I did. Instead i take the passive aggressive route and try to deny her things she wants when she acts like this, ie: babysitting DD coming to visit twice a week, watching DS when i return to work. Awful i know, but its the only way i feel i have some some of control with her. Anyways, back on topic. I kind of hope DS makes his appearance on the 5th. It would give me great pleasure to push my positive view onto the situation!
What does your husband have to say about her behavior? I totally understand that's it's different for you with her being your mil (and mine my own mom), but does he agree that she's dramatic or does he take her side? The best thing to do might be to talk with your husband about how she makes you feel and ask him to stand up for you. Not asking him to betray her or whatever, but to try to get through to her somehow for your defense.
Oh yes, DH knows she's over the top dramatic but would never call her out on it! It was SUPER bad when DD was born, his not standing up for me. Things have improved since then, but everyone in the family tiptoes around her and coddles her. The dynamic is ridiculous but i have learned to work my way around things to make sure my feelings and needs are met. Mostly that involves me being the bad guy, but it doesn't bother me anymore.

Good for you! I'm working on that too - realizing that my family is more important now (and my family needs my sanity!). Sometimes you do all that you can do and end up realizing that she actually enjoys the anxiety-filled drama so nothing will change. :-S

ashleywiz · January 2014

Wow... Sometimes people amaze me. I think being born on a relatives passing date or that persons birth date is an honor. When my cousin had her baby on our late grandma's birthday we talked about how special the day was, not about how sad it was she is gone. Recently- my best friends mom set her wedding date for her mom's passing date (and it was just 2 years ago and they were very very close) to make the day about celebrating life and love. I'm sorry your MiL is just looking for a reason to be scummy about it, especially because you really don't *actually* have control over that!

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