A confession of sorts or vent

tondraluv · January 2014

I would've posted this in the FFFC post but I just need some advice, someone to listen, or anything. As some of you know my husband & I are in counseling for his "indiscretions" during our pregnancy. For those of you that don't know long story short, he met a few people on a dating website and started "dating" around. Well he stopped and I've forgiven him. I'm learning to trust him again & we seem like our family is getting back to normal. Some days I feel like i'm living a lie, some days I feel like I've forgiven him just for B. Part of me wants to continue on & be a happy family and have another child. On the other hand, a huge part of me wants to just pull the trigger & leave him. I've only been feeling this way lately. I sit & dwell over what I did wrong and sometimes it makes me so angry that I've accepted him back. At times, I want him to eff up again so I have a reason to leave him. Ultimately, i'm a prisoner of my own thoughts. Like I said, I've forgiven him but how do you forget? This is my main problem, not being able to forget. Hopefully i'm just in a funk and will shake these feelings. Thank you in advance for listening.

JSS1002 · January 2014

I don't really think I have any great advice on this one, except to give it your best shot and in the end, trust your gut because it is rarely wrong.

I think that it is incredibly noble of you for trying to work it out, and if both parties truly want to fix a relationship and will put forth equal effort, I do think that is possible! But I also think that if you wanted to bounce, that would be perfectly understandable.

I guess I feel like no matter what you could have done (unless you were unfaithful too, which I know you weren't), there's nothing you could have done that would have excused or warranted his indiscretions... so when a couple has problems, it usually is a two-way street, but in instances like this, I just want to say "No, he cheated, there's just no excuse for that," which I think means he should be basically giving you the whole WORLD to keep you from leaving.

JBDamonM · January 2014

I don't have any great advice either - although if I were you I may try some counceling sessions alone to help you sort through these feelings. If everything is back on track with your husband and the biggest issue left is your struggle mentioned above, then it sounds like you need to work through that one on your own. I hope that doesn't sound harsh - it's not meant to. I can't imagine what you are going through and give you all the credit in the world for working through it. good luck and HUGS.

Kate_C · January 2014

I'm sorry you are still (understandably) struggling with anger about his behavior. But don't extend that anger to yourself for forgiving him. You don't deserve that kind of self-abuse. Forgiveness takes more strength than it would have to just throw in the towel immediately. Creepy internet hugs and hope you can decide what the best path is for your family going forward.

tondraluv · January 2014

@JBDamonM not harsh at all, I go to counseling by myself Tuesday morning & we go together Tuesday afternoon. I think this might be part of the problem. I feel like my therapist has a biased view on the issue since we only meet. She often asks about my marital issues when she doesn't know my husband(like our marriage counselor) and sometimes she also has different views than our marriage counselor and myself. I was actually considering seeking a new therapist for myself for that reason. I know ppl can agree to disagree but in a way, my therapist lets it be known that when she feels a certain way, only her feelings are right. For example; we as a couple along with our counselor agreed that we can hang out separately with our friends two days a month if we chose because it works for us as a couple. My therapist felt that was very inappropriate & we should only get to hang out with our friends once every two months. She felt I was being selfish when I disagreed with her & neither of us backed down. I feel like seeing two different therapists are pulling me in two different directions.

ARJ6511 · January 2014

I don't think you really can forget. I mean, how can you? I wouldn't. It's still a newer wound, and a big one at that. I think I would speak to the therapist yourself (alone) about this. I'm sure if is a common feeling after something like this happens.

I think it's great you are in counseling. I think you're very strong for forgiving him. I don't know if I would be able to.

I hope you figure out what is best for you.

BellaBean76 · January 2014

I have never been to therapy...but I would suggest you get a new therapist for yourself! Maybe there is someone your marriage counselor can recommend since it seems you are more on the same page as her? PS as PP stated you are an amazing, strong woman for trying to make this work...and will be despite the end outcome!!!

melissad23 · January 2014

BellaBean76 said:

I have never been to therapy...but I would suggest you get a new therapist for yourself! Maybe there is someone your marriage counselor can recommend since it seems you are more on the same page as her? PS as PP stated you are an amazing, strong woman for trying to make this work...and will be despite the end outcome!!!

this!! and hugs! And remember Downton Abbey in 2 days!!

tondraluv · January 2014

Thank you ladies for the support. I absolutely adore our marriage counselor. She is amazing and doesn't tell us what we want to hear but what we need to hear. I wish she could see me separately but that goes against the oath. I will ask her for recommendations.

tondraluv · January 2014

@melissad23 <:-P

JBDamonM · January 2014

@tondraluv- I think it's a great next step to ask her for a reccomendation

MrsHartman7 · January 2014

It sounds like the counselor you see privately is not on the same page. Its tough to start from scratch, especially when it would involve rehashing everything, but it might be for the best if this woman is counterproductive to your efforts in the marraige. This is only rhetorical, no need to answer, but do you still love your H? As in, in love with, andif you didnt have B would you still be with him? I think you will never really forget what happened, but with time you will hopefully come to peace with it.

ceamac0127 · January 2014

I don't have great advice but you are so strong, and I hope you know that. I know it sounds cheesy and cliche but listen to your heart. Only you know what is right for you and your family.

The way its sounds it your post, you've already made your mind up with what you want to do.

Creepy internet hugs to you!!

ClandestineX · January 2014

I think there is a lot of good advice in this thread. I understand how you feel. Something happened in the beginning of our relationship that most people would not forgive.. that was about four and a half years ago. It does get better over time.. but you don't ever forget about it.

Just you have to remember, while it is all great if you can work things out and if you think you can get past it (not saying forget about it) then try. Especially if you really want to. But, if you feel like you do not want to.. do not force it.

You're a strong woman for being the forgiving type!

kgs0505 · January 2014

Sounds like you do need a new therapist for yourself. I'm kind of thinking the same thing about mine. She was great for other issues, but with this one, I feel like she's pushing me to be over it already. It's driving me bonkers.

Anywho, one thing I have learned with this is that you go back and forth after an event of this nature. Some days are great and you don't think about it all the time, and others are terrible and you find yourself obsessing and blaming it all on him, or on yourself.

Is it easier to give it all up and go on your own? Maybe. But you have to decide if you think the relationship is worth saving, is he committed to you? Is he doing the work? More than counseling, but whatever you need him to do to help you heal?

Have you checked out survivinginfidelity.com? They have forums and some reading materials that I found helpful. Be careful with the forums though, I stopped reading them too frequently because the vitriol wasn't helpful and just put me in a negative frame of mind. But some themes from the more helpful threads come up over and over again:

1) It takes 3-5 years to get through this.

2) The second year is harder than the first because that's where the work is really hard. You aren't in turmoil or shock anymore, but it's been a long time in ways too, so you have to fight complacency. That can be really hard.

3) The anniversaries of things trigger a lot of stress and makes the feelings fresh all over again.

4) Also, this is PTSD, so triggering is a big thing. I actually have quite a few triggers I am trying to break. Some are easier than others. Some will bring it all back and get me super angry and depressed all over again, like it was new again.

So, I think doubting your initial decision is absolutely normal and probably just a low on this horrible rollercoaster we find ourselves on. Sometimes when I can't figure out why I am feeling like I am, I journal about it. I get a lot of revelations from just free-writing. Or if I can't write in privately, which is more often than not lately, I try to just think it through. It's not as effective or fast as journaling, but after a day or two of pondering, I figure it out. Usually I've been triggered in some way, or I have some kind of insecurity rearing it's head, or something occurred to me about the affair. Right now I'm working on reconciling how I thought I knew my husband with who he is today, which is a flawed human being who made a really, really horrible mistake. I'm still trying to use logic to figure it out, and unfortunately I don;t think I can do that. Eventually I have to accept that it happened and there is no logical box I can put it in to make 100% sense to me. Especially since he says he felt guilty all the time, but managed to keep doing her anyway for months.

I'm so sorry you are going through this crap too. It's soooo hard! Hugs from Inland Empire!

tondraluv · January 2014

@kgs0505 You are freaking awesome! You gave me some very insightful information & now that you mention it, the anniversary is coming up. Thank you so much for this much needed advice, I really take it to heart. I know your going through the same thing so I know this is what I needed to hear.

kgs0505 · January 2014

@tondraluv - I got your back hon! As crappy as this all is, at least we have each other

Aprilbaby49 · January 2014

I'm so sorry that you are going though this. I can't imagine how difficult it must be. These ladies have laid out some great advice. I agree that you may need a new private therapist. If she is not on the same with you and you feel like she is biased then she may actually counterproductive in the progress you've made so far. Hope things work out for you.

ChicagoBroad26 · January 2014

I just want to add that while I can't relate to what you're going through, I'm so glad that you and kgs have each other (and all of us!) as sounding boards. Sending my thoughts that you can work through things in the way that works out best, in the long run, for you and your family.

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