Feeling Guilty

shandyandken · January 2014

I have a 2 year old and my husband has begun talking about another child. I do not feel like another child is in my plan and I am feeling pressure from family to have another. I also do not want DD to miss out on the experience of having a sibling; I am an only child myself, and while I turned out just fine, I can remember how lonely it could be at times. I am so torn! How do you deal with the guilty feelings that you may be depriving your child of something?

PhantomPower · January 2014

I don't feel guilty anymore or like I'm depriving him. I did struggle with that feeling for a bit but not any more.

People that push you to have kids aren't going to be the ones raising them (with the exception of your H, obviously). Do I like the fantasy of having a second? Imagining two pairs of feet on Christmas morning, sibling friends, etc? Sure. Do I want the reality of two? Of juggling two into the car, of sibling rivalry, of being more financially and emotionally stretched? Of having added stress on my marriage? Heck no!

I don't feel like I'm depriving him any more because now I'm seeing of how I would be depriving him WITH a sibling.

Arcadia1114 · January 2014

jkep5909 said:
I'm technically a fence sitter, but I often think of how much more we'll be able to give dd if we decide to be oad: our time, financial resources etc. I try to think of all the positives to being oad & not any potential negatives, which there would be to adding 1+ more kids to the mix as well.

Dh and I were talking about this last night. He is an only. He said one of his father's proudest moments was sitting him down and telling dh he only had to worry about getting into college. I am hoping we will be able to do something similar for ds. Ds is able to do quite a bit right now. This is partly because we have more time with him and partly because we can afford good daycare.

KatieB19 · January 2014

I don't feel guilty because I don't think we are depriving ds of anything by not having a second child. If we were going to have another, it would be because Dh and I want another, not because we want to "give" ds a sibling. You can't know how things will turn out. You could have an only who hates being an only, or you could have an only who thrives with friends and gets to choose his own family. You could have two kids who grow up to hate each other, or you could have two kids who are best friends through and through. You just don't know, so you have to make the best decision for your FAMILY.

For us, we enjoy the financial freedom of one, we enjoy that we can sleep longer at night now and go on dates, and we enjoy our son being the only one who matters in our little world.

If you want another child, make sure it's what YOU want, not what you think your child might want. When you envision your future family, how many kids are at the table? How many car doors open when you arrive somewhere? I hope you find peace in a decision, whatever it is

michelle615 · January 2014

I have one older brother and I still had plenty of times that I felt lonely growing up. We don't share a lot of interests, didn't then and don't now. I do worry that I'm depriving DS of something wonderful by not giving him a sibling, but since I can't say it was wonderful and magical for me, I find myself getting past the guilt fairly quickly. Do what you feel is best for you and your family.

EMarieMe · January 2014

I'm similar to Michelle in that my brother is a wonderful, caring guy, but we're not that close and have few common interests. We did play a lot together as kids (military brats) but as we got older we didn't, and still don't spend much time together.

KL777 · January 2014

KatieB19 said:

...If we were going to have another, it would be because Dh and I want another, not because we want to "give" ds a sibling.... If you want another child, make sure it's what YOU want, not what you think your child might want...

This. Plus, we don't have the patience for multiple children.

harmonicbabe26 · January 2014

I am definitely feeling guilty... And I guess technically I too am still on the fence... K has been super hard to parent because she is so smart, strong willed and always throwing me for some loop. Some peeps here mentioned the book 'One and Only' and I started reading it and now I feel even more guilty... I would hate for K to have to prove to anyone later in life that she is normal even though she doesn't have a sibling. I know people are totally fine being onlies but the misconception and prejudices are out there - greater than I thought there were based on what I've read so far. And actually instead of confirming my desire to be OAD this book made me rethink that and lean the other way... So tough... I think bottom line is, once you decide one way or another you need to stop looking back... But still, the decision part is the hardest part...

amie444 · January 2014

I feel about this topic they way I felt when people asked me "if you don't have kids, who will take care of you when you are old?" There are no guarantees in anything. Decide to have another because it is what you want and need. Not because it is what others need. My DH and I discussed years before we got married, that if we had kids it was okay and if we didn't it was okay too. Being on the same page with your DH is the most important part of this. So do what is right for your family.

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