Dealing with unsupportive partner

kahorstman · January 2014

Anyone else have any issues with their significant other not being very supportive?

He keeps telling me that he supports me but he doesn't show it. I feel really alone in this, and have to finish out the pregnancy by myself because the military is sending him to VA next month. He wants me to go with him but doesn't appreciate me or what I would give up for him. We don't live together now and I'm not even sure the next time I'm seeing him because he "needs to hang out with a lot of people before he leaves".

Next appointment is Monday, I don't even know if he will go with me, or if I even want him there at this point...

supgabs · January 2014

I am sorry he is making you feel that way! Have you voiced your concerns with him?

Katieluc106 · January 2014

Maybe you can try to plan a little project for just you and him to do for the baby. Idk what kind of time constraint your under but it could help him feel more like he is a part of this baby too. My DH supports me in small ways like missing the last quarter of the pats game Sunday to go get me Dairy Queen. Some men feel helpless. I'd go to VA with him to maybe make a stronger connection. What's the worst that could happen? Doesn't work out so you move back....

kahorstman · January 2014

Yea. Time and again, I voice my concerns and he can see how upset I am. But he only seems to get upset when I stop communicating with him and tell him I'm not going to put up with it and that I'll raise the kid on my own. And then it's a "I'm so sorry and I'm doing my best" etc etc etc..

The whole thing makes me sad when I should be excited.

k2k2tog · January 2014

Have you talked to him about how you feel? Have you expressed to him how he can support you? It might be he just doesn't know how, and thinks he is. No one is a mind reader. You need to tell him what you want!

If he's military, he doesn't get much choice about where he's stationed, right? Obviously, he made the choice to join the military, but, technically, you made the choice to be with a man in the military...

kahorstman · January 2014

Yea. The plan is to go to va after baby gets here, I can't afford to leave now, but I've already moved across the country once for him and it's been rough since. Why should I give up everything again if he can't work with me on simple things ya know? I'm at the point that I'm seeking counseling to deal with the stress

chaysefaith · January 2014

How old are you guys? I'm assuming at least 17 since he's in the military. Please don't take this the wrong way but it sounds like immaturity. Not necessarily on your part but definitely on his.

Men are funny and don't react to things the same way we would. Most guys come around but some just need time. You take care of you and the baby and be excited, he'll catch on. And if he doesn't he's not worth your time.

kahorstman · January 2014

I'm 28 and he's 30, we've known each other since high school and we are both divorced. A lot is immaturity on his part. When he asked me to be a part of his military life, he promised me a lot of stuff and I accepted what it would mean for me too. I left a career, family and friends to be with him because I cared that much for him, and I had never done that before.

I'm working on me and preparing for this child, and hoping he will come around but if he doesn't it's his loss. It's just not how I wanted things to go. Me being pregnant was definitely an oops but I've accepted responsibility for it.

Thank you for your insights :-)

lola4411 · January 2014

do you think he might be in a bit of denial about the pregnancy? maybe he is scared too and doesnt know how to express it? hang in there. i am sure he will get excited as your bump continues to grow and when he can feel your LO :x

chaysefaith · January 2014

I totally would have thought you guys were a decade younger. He sounds REALLY immature. My bf is ex military (infantry) and many of those guys from his old unit are immature. They were just boys when they deployed, they come home and now they're boys that have lived like men but still boys at heart.

I don't share this often on here, but my two (going on three) kids all have different dads and the two older girls would be better off without their dads in their lives. They take a hands off approach to everything, they're every other weekend dads, and they don't push them to reach their full potential. One daughters dad is so incredibly immature and the other's dad is a drug addict. I wish I had walked away sooner. It's not an easy decision to make, but you're already unsure-take the time to think and figure out what you want to do. He's going to be moving away, his behavior while you're apart will be an indicator of what's to come.

kahorstman · January 2014

Haha yea, we aren't married and aren't even engaged to be married (though he told his friends and family he was marrying me and that I would be pregnant before Christmas). I'm hoping he will come around and start to show support for me. I accepted the military lifestyle and don't mind giving up some things so long as he shows appreciation for what I'm doing, for him, for us and for this child, planned or not.

ktwils2010 · January 2014

kahorstman said:
Haha yea, we aren't married and aren't even engaged to be married (though he told his friends and family he was marrying me and that I would be pregnant before Christmas). I'm hoping he will come around and start to show support for me. I accepted the military lifestyle and don't mind giving up some things so long as he shows appreciation for what I'm doing, for him, for us and for this child, planned or not.

While I certainly don't condone getting married just to get married I can't fathom the military lifestyle and NOT being married. That's a huge commitment you made to move for him, leaving a job and loved ones. I can understand your hesitation to move again. The lifestyle is certainly easier once you have the perks that come with being married - health insurance, they pay to move you, perks on base, etc it's still a difficult lifestyle and one that requires commitment on both parts. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. I hope he can be more supportive of you and the pregnancy and ultimately his child. If he doesn't come around, is moving back to where you are from, friends and family, an option? You have to do what's best for you and your little one.

ETA: Thought I should add me background - My hubby is an Air Force pilot. We dated long distance for a few years, I refused to move with him until we were married because it was just so much more difficult. So that's where my perspective is coming from!

apmom · January 2014

We are pg w my 4th and my dh never gets really excited until he can feel the baby move. I mean, he's a loving supportive partner and hes happy we're pg but I think it is all a little abstract to him until he can feel the baby move. Hopefully this will be the same for your so. Good luck!

becomingmommyagain · January 2014

If you love him and you think there is a chance for a long term relationship, perhaps you should really consider going to VA with him. You may be giving up a lot to go, but you could be giving up more if you dont.

kahorstman · January 2014

I'm not opposed to going to va, but I'm not going to if he's going to just freak out again. We had talked about marriage before I moved across the country, I actually asked him to slow down a few times and tried to make sure before moving that he was ready for this and it was what we were both ready for. when we lived together he had a major freak out about living with me and had a hard time adjusting. I ended up moving out and figuring out how to survive alone in a new state with luckily the help of what few friends i had here (I never wanted to return to my home state, I hated it there). It's time he stepped up and made some sacrifices. I get that the military owns him and he can't do much about it until he's out, but if he's serious about me then he needs to show appreciation for me and work with me as a partner in this relationship, not a staff sergeant in the Air Force commanding troops like he does. I certainly don't expect him to understand what I'm going through but empathy would be great. Lol I don't understand what's so hard about saying "I love you, you're pretty, thank you"

allrightmeow · January 2014

How has he been in the past before the pregnancy? How long has be been in the military? Could it be that he is worried about getting hurt or something so he is holding back some?

I say that because I had an uncle, now retired from the Navy, and when my cousin was born it made him think even more of just how much he is depended on and kind of freaked him out a little. He came around and they are a strong very connected family.

lclark79 · January 2014

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is really tough to go through a pregnancy without some sort of support. It sounds as though your expectations of him are higher than his. People only change if they want to change. And you have to ask yourself, are you willing to wait for a realization that may never come? I think you need to do whatever you think is best for yourself and your baby.

CherSomething · January 2014

So.. How is he not supportive of you? What expectations do you have that he is not meeting? You original post was not clear in what it is that he is not appreciative of? What do you need from him?

I get that you gave up your life to move with him… but what were you expecting from him after doing that?

fyi I'm an ex military wife. My bf & I are both military.

kahorstman · January 2014

Gets irritated with me if I'm upset (I've done a pretty good job of keeping my hormones in check), shows no empathy or sympathy towards my physical pains or symptoms. He actually got upset with me once during the first trimester because I wasn't interested in sex when I had been so nauseous I couldn't sleep. I literally can't afford to move to Virginia with him now and he got upset with me about it, but I finally got him to understand that I need health insurance and I would lose it if I went with him before the baby comes. He blew me off last weekend to drink and play games with his friends, we don't live together and the only time we have to spend is on weekends before he leaves. Keeps telling me I have to have a good paying job as soon as I get to VA, forgetting that it takes time to get a good job as a civilian. Before I agreed to move to Colorado and be with him he kept telling me how much I was number one to him, how he was going to treat me better than my ex, made it out to be like he supported me and my decisions and felt actually loved and appreciated for once. Lol now it's like I'm a Barbie doll that he gets to play with when he feels like it...

jjva · January 2014

@kahorstman, I'm sorry for what you're dealing with. It sounds like he dealt a lot better with your relationship in theory (before you moved) than in reality. The part about blowing you off to go drinking with his friends made me sad -- of course he has the right to hang out with his friends if he wants to, but combined with the other things you've said about the way he's treating you, it sounds like he is not making you a priority but expecting you to make him Priority Number One. An imbalance. I'm sure he has his side of the story too and I don't want to sound like I think he's a horrible person, but from here it looks like he should be meeting you closer to halfway than he is.

kahorstman · January 2014

Yea he can be a great man, and the only man I've ever really put myself out there for. I get he wants to spend time with people that he won't see for a while, and I don't want him constantly following me around like a lost puppy. I guess in my mind I would be spending what time I could with my pregnant girlfriend if I had no choice but to leave for a few months and miss a lot of the harder parts of her being prego, and spend time with my friends during the week.

I don't need a lot, just an I love you, you're beautiful, I'm sorry you don't feel good...what can I do to make you feel better..and I have told him this explicitly...

hlp2709 · January 2014

Sorry to hear about that I would say try talking to him and if he does not listen then write it in a letter. That always helped me get my point across and then we talked about the letter. Try to lean on some family if they are close by.

MrsCase1 · January 2014

I don't really have any advice. I just wanted to commend you on doing what it takes to get healthy, emotionally, and drawing some boundaries. Those are hard things to do. Obviously seeing a counselor and letting him know his behavior is not acceptable, is the smart way to go, even if it is painful. So, good for you.

bellaa2020 · January 2014

kahorstman said:

Gets irritated with me if I'm upset (I've done a pretty good job of keeping my hormones in check), shows no empathy or sympathy towards my physical pains or symptoms. He actually got upset with me once during the first trimester because I wasn't interested in sex when I had been so nauseous I couldn't sleep. I literally can't afford to move to Virginia with him now and he got upset with me about it, but I finally got him to understand that I need health insurance and I would lose it if I went with him before the baby comes. He blew me off last weekend to drink and play games with his friends, we don't live together and the only time we have to spend is on weekends before he leaves. Keeps telling me I have to have a good paying job as soon as I get to VA, forgetting that it takes time to get a good job as a civilian. Before I agreed to move to Colorado and be with him he kept telling me how much I was number one to him, how he was going to treat me better than my ex, made it out to be like he supported me and my decisions and felt actually loved and appreciated for once. Lol now it's like I'm a Barbie doll that he gets to play with when he feels like it…

Just my advice, Virginia is boring!! Are you going to the Virginia Beach area? That's the area i was at and it sucked.

I am in a similar situation. I moved to VA with my husband who wanted to be a Police Officer and the only place that would take him was Portsmouth VA - 2 years later, we planned this pregnancy, i got pregnant and he left me for one of his coworkers when i was 2 1/2 months pregnant. I've since moved back to NJ and have the support of my parents, sister, friends, and my old job back which i love. It's been tough -

Reason i am mentioning this is - and sorry if i am wrong and again i am just voicing my opinion. I don't think you should go with him. He's not supportive now, i doubt he will be then.

hopin4babies · January 2014

kahorstman said:

Gets irritated with me if I'm upset (I've done a pretty good job of keeping my hormones in check), shows no empathy or sympathy towards my physical pains or symptoms. He actually got upset with me once during the first trimester because I wasn't interested in sex when I had been so nauseous I couldn't sleep. I literally can't afford to move to Virginia with him now and he got upset with me about it, but I finally got him to understand that I need health insurance and I would lose it if I went with him before the baby comes. He blew me off last weekend to drink and play games with his friends, we don't live together and the only time we have to spend is on weekends before he leaves. Keeps telling me I have to have a good paying job as soon as I get to VA, forgetting that it takes time to get a good job as a civilian. Before I agreed to move to Colorado and be with him he kept telling me how much I was number one to him, how he was going to treat me better than my ex, made it out to be like he supported me and my decisions and felt actually loved and appreciated for once. Lol now it's like I'm a Barbie doll that he gets to play with when he feels like it...

Since you can't afford to move until after the baby comes I wouldn't make the decision yet. I would wait and see how he acts after he leaves and up until that point as well. If he continues to blow you off or doesnt make an effort to call and do what he can to be in the relationship after he leaves then honestly you are probably better off just staying where you are. As you get further along I would send him every ultrasound picture you get and constantly tell him whats going on with you and the baby. It may not seem real for him yet since he isnt going through the pregnancy himself or like someone else mentioned he may be scared, but if over time he still isnt more supportive then I wouldn't keep trying. Its not fair to you to put so much effort into the relationship and get nothing in return. I guess just give it time and see how he handles your pregnancy and relationship over the next few months and then decide if you are comfortable moving for him again.

beachmamaNY · January 2014

I wouldn't move yet. See how engaged he is long distance. If not appropriate, I would move home to my family.

jjva · January 2014

@bellaa2020, I'm so sorry that happened to you! I'm glad you were able to get back into a supportive environment with your old job back.

skyview222 · January 2014

I'm sorry. Having a supportive fiance has been my only salvation this pregnancy.
For whatever reason the Five Love Languages (its a book) came to mind. Maybe he isn't speaking your "language" in terms of support.
Has he been communicating his feelings/level of anxiety about the baby? I know my fiance had a major anxiety attack/freak out a few days after finding out I was pregnant then quickly got on board. Everyone is different, so he may be visiting friends etc. because he knows that his life will be very different when he returns. Just a thought though, whatever the reason, it is certainly not fair to you.
PP gave good advice in terms of waiting to make a decision.

kahorstman · January 2014

Thank you for the words of wisdom. Right now I'm focusing on me and the LO. I've explained to him how I feel (he's had a lot of freak outs about us and the baby) but he also puts the blame of me being pregnant on me and doesn't really let me be a girl about stuff. I'm going to see how he acts when he leaves for va and over the next 6 months. He knows I'm going nowhere before the LO gets here so he's got some time to convince me it's worth it for us to come to VA. He convinced me to move across the country once, this time is going to take a little more work and probably a rock on my finger but if he really wants me and the baby, he will work together with me for the life WE want

jdias428 · January 2014

bellaa2020 said:

kahorstman said:

Gets irritated with me if I'm upset (I've done a pretty good job of keeping my hormones in check), shows no empathy or sympathy towards my physical pains or symptoms. He actually got upset with me once during the first trimester because I wasn't interested in sex when I had been so nauseous I couldn't sleep. I literally can't afford to move to Virginia with him now and he got upset with me about it, but I finally got him to understand that I need health insurance and I would lose it if I went with him before the baby comes. He blew me off last weekend to drink and play games with his friends, we don't live together and the only time we have to spend is on weekends before he leaves. Keeps telling me I have to have a good paying job as soon as I get to VA, forgetting that it takes time to get a good job as a civilian. Before I agreed to move to Colorado and be with him he kept telling me how much I was number one to him, how he was going to treat me better than my ex, made it out to be like he supported me and my decisions and felt actually loved and appreciated for once. Lol now it's like I'm a Barbie doll that he gets to play with when he feels like it…

Just my advice, Virginia is boring!! Are you going to the Virginia Beach area? That's the area i was at and it sucked.

I am in a similar situation. I moved to VA with my husband who wanted to be a Police Officer and the only place that would take him was Portsmouth VA - 2 years later, we planned this pregnancy, i got pregnant and he left me for one of his coworkers when i was 2 1/2 months pregnant. I've since moved back to NJ and have the support of my parents, sister, friends, and my old job back which i love. It's been tough -

Reason i am mentioning this is - and sorry if i am wrong and again i am just voicing my opinion. I don't think you should go with him. He's not supportive now, i doubt he will be then.

I am the product of a variation on this theme as well. BF was saying all these wonderful things to me, was the one to chase me, told me he was going to treat me like a queen, etc, etc... I get pregnant, he bails 2 weeks later and I haven't heard from him since. Looking back, I may have put pressure on him bc I was all hormonal and first trimestery. But the come on strong, back away type of guy tends to be some spectrum of commitment phobic. In my experience, my rec would be to play it cool. Know that there is a chance it will be you and LO alone, so act that way. Allow yourself to accept that reality as a possibility, and this will help remove the stress and sadness of him acting like a douche on occasions. Let him come around... if he really loves you, if he wants this baby, he will. The last thing you want around is a man that doesn't love you, and doesn't want a kid. Actions always speak louder than words. Just don't escalate things from your end, and let him make his choice.

As for VA, if he continues to ask if you'll go - let him know it doesn't make sense to move yet. For job, insurance reasons... but also bc he seems distant. Let him know it's on the table for the future.

Just take it easily breezily. And good luck! To all of us!

jdias428 · January 2014

I second, or third or whatever... therapy!

kahorstman · January 2014

Yup. I've done my best to not let him see any semblance of upset or pushing him towards anything. I've always calmly explained how I felt. He's acted pretty immature about stuff, on more than one occasion getting upset and just not speaking to me for weeks on end (usually about 2). I kinda figured I may as well prepare like I'm on my own anyways.

jdias428 · January 2014

That sounds exactly like my BD. Avoiding contact for weeks at a time, ugh. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

EmbracingChange · January 2014

How long have you been with him? What are are you living in?

noryang · January 2014

I skimmed through most of the responses. I have a bit of life experience (I'm old), am married to former military and am now a Foreign Service spouse. Military and FS partners give up damn near everything (careers, homes, familiy, friends, stability) for their partners. I made that choice so I accept responsibliity for it BUT my husband has done nothing but support me and express gratitude and ackowledgement of the sacrifices that I have made. From time to time he knows that HIS career has to be sacrificed for the sake of his family too. And there IS a right and wrong way (on the part of the partner) to show appreciation and acknowledgement of these realities. And, at the moment, your partner is doing it all wrong.

If it were me I would reevaulate this relationship and start doing whatever I needed to do to take care of me and baby - not him. Because unless I am reading things really wrong - he isn't as committed to this as you are. (Mmaybe he is but maybe he needs a little wake up call on how to show it.) And things will not get better between you if you sacrifice everything and don't get back an ounce of what you are putting into it. Believe me when I tell you that this is NOT an easy life. The committment is hard core. Once you move to a new place where you don't know anyone or anything and have to adjust to a whole new culture (and believe me when I tell you that the military is a whole new culture) it gets worse before it gets better.

Happy to chat on PM anytime if you think it would help.

kahorstman · January 2014

He and I have been together for about a year now. However we have been best friends and known each other since we were 14. I know him better than his family does and I'm the only one he's ever really trusted. And I agree @noryang, I am reevaluating it and doing right now what is best for me and baby (not going to VA until after it's born). I fully accepted what the military lifestyle would be, even if he were to get deployed and I had no choice but to stay here. But at the time it was worth it and he made it seem as if he would support me. And then freaked out when I moved in and now has no concept whatsoever as to how the civilian world works, especially when we aren't married. So it's like he expects me to be a military wife without the perks of actually being one. Until the LO gets here I'm taking everything day by day and focusing on me. He will either come around and realize what he needs to do, or he won't be having much involvement in my or his child's life.

mrsedwards8812 · January 2014

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. While I don't have any advice/happy thoughts to offer, I do sympathize...my husband has been a bit of an ass. We're having so many problems at this point, I've actually started keeping an eye on apartment prices and such... I absolutely refuse to bring another baby into an unhappy home and I can attend marriage counseling from a separate residence!

I certainly wish you the best! Things may not turn out exactly how you'd like but I'm a believer in "everything happens for a reason"...God has a plan for all of us :-)

noryang · January 2014

I'm so sorry. But I am really glad that you are taking care of you and baby first and foremost. So very important. Hang in there and holler if you need to talk. I'm on the other side of the world for a few more months so responses may take me a while....

kahorstman · January 2014

I may murder him...found out he leaves in two weeks, doesn't understand why I'm upset. He can't make it to my appointment this morning because he has to meet with his commanding officer (officially not going to be a part of a single thing in this pregnancy) and when I asked if he wanted to see me he goes "well are you coming over Saturday or are you going to be a hobbit?" (I was asleep at the time of the text because I'm still just exhausted all the time). I'm glad I'm number one in his life...screw VA

jdias428 · January 2014

I swear, some men are total idiots.

I'm so sorry it's all going down this way.

MrsCase1 · January 2014

mrsedwards8812 said:

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. While I don't have any advice/happy thoughts to offer, I do sympathize...my husband has been a bit of an ass. We're having so many problems at this point, I've actually started keeping an eye on apartment prices and such... I absolutely refuse to bring another baby into an unhappy home and I can attend marriage counseling from a separate residence!
I certainly wish you the best! Things may not turn out exactly how you'd like but I'm a believer in "everything happens for a reason"...God has a plan for all of us :-)

@mrsedwards8812 oh no, you're a newlywed! Sorry you're also having a hard time! If it is ANY consolation, I think the first year of marriage is the hardest/suckiest. Ugh.

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