Feeling nervous telling SIL

Re: Feeling nervous telling SIL

• amwenz member

  January 2014

  No, but I was always on the bad news end. Do it before someone else tells her. Make it be in a place or on the phone where she can leave quickly. With people who told me right away I was so supportive but the ones who held it in hurt worse. Good luck and prayers her own is soon.

  Started ttc may 2012 Me:32. Dh:31 SA- 4% morphology Fsh:9.1 possibly not always ovulating Hysteroscopy/lLap 7/13 resulted in polyp removal, uterine septum, and mild endo stage 1 removed 10/13 IVF #1 successful 

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• Ceridwen21 member

  January 2014

  You might also want to consider telling her by email or text.  It may seem rude and impersonal, but it will give her the chance to react privately and take her time to reflect before responding.

  Oscar born October 2011

  Miscarriage at 8 weeks (August 2013)

  DD due September 1, 2014

  

   

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• haliebabyx3 member

  January 2014

  moose0512 said:

  I have not dealt with this personally, but I would recommend telling her alone not in a big group setting that way she has time to feel whatever she wants to feel without having to put a smile on to the world. She will be happy for you but she will need time to process and giving her that time would be a nice gesture.
  
  Congratulations on the BFP!
  

  I agree with that. I have never been through that because my only SIL isn't even dating anyone right now, so I can't imagine what it's like having to tell her. I agree you should pull her to the side and tell her. Congratulations and just always remember everyone is different, so where as you didn't hardly have to try and she is trying with everything in her. You still have a precious one on the way and i'm sure she would understand you would never do it to intentionally hurt her.

  

  
  

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• FloridaSun82 member

  January 2014 edited January 2014

  As someone who is dealing with infertility, I can tell you that, IMO, doing it privately is the most important thing. I would NOT send a text. Either speak with her privately in person, over the phone, or if you send an e-mail, make sure you are sensitive to her feelings. 

  
  

  Speaking for myself, when my SIL announced quite publically that she was pregnant knowing that we were having a very difficult time getting pregnant, I was completely taken back. With that said, I WAS/AM happy for her/them, but it just took me some time to adjust and it is still hard. She had her baby before I even got pregnant. I would also encourage you to stay sensitive to her feelings and don't take it personally if she doesn't want to spend as much time with you as she did before or go to the baby shower (DH was basically told by my BIL that I needed to go to the shower because it is the "right thing to do" and I was being insensitive to his wife... Despite the fact that it was their 2nd child and we live 3 hours away... I went, put a smile on my face, and cried for the 3 hour drive home). It has NOTHING to do with you or your baby, and everything to do with the unimaginable feeling of being infertile.

  Me (31) - PCOS with insulin resistance

  
  

  4 rounds of Clomid = no response

  IVF # 1 - ET (1 3AA, 4 frosties): 12/22 = BFP

  EDD: 9/9/2014
  

  
  

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• Jolaine83 member

  January 2014

  I've been in similar situations with each pregnancy so far and it's not easy.  My relationship with each individual was always hard during the pregnancy, but once the baby arrived, things seemed to get easier to be around me and the new one.

  
  

  It's hard for both sides and it sucks for you too, even if you are the one on the side of being blessed with getting pregnant easily.  Just try to remember that while she might struggle while you are pregnant, she doesn't love you any less and it's not about you at all.  It's her own personal struggle that she has to get through at her own pace.  

  
  

  I'm facing it again with one specific friend and I've been advised by other e-friends to tell her via email to give her time and space with the news.  Telling her in person or even on the phone would force congratulations she might not be able to genuinely give yet.  Just know that she will eventually be happy for you and your DH.  And she will love that little one.  Just try not to let it set the tone for your pregnancy.  Your pregnancy is not to spite her or the hard time she is going through.  

  Lucas Arlo - 2/26/10, Cordelia Jane - 1/20/12 

  #3 is due 8/27/14

  
  

  
  

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• sarahg8r member

  January 2014

  My SIL has been TTC #3 for a year now, so when I found out I was pregnant, I knew it would be difficult for her. We decided to let MIL give her the news. She sent us a nice text congratulating us, so I think it was easier for her to find out that way. Unfortunately for her, BIL's (on again, off again)ex-fiancee just announced that she is expecting as well. Evidently SIL is not handling the news well at all. We were supposed to spend New Years together and she ended up not coming because she is so upset that we are expecting and she isn't. It's going to be a long 9 months!

   
    
     
  
     
  

  
  

  
  BFP - 01/04/2016; EDD - 09/15/2016 DS #1 - 07/2014
  

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• escortDEW member

  January 2014

  I just went through this with my sister earlier this week. They have been trying for 3 years & have only gotten preg twice both ending in miscarriages really early on. It took me about a week to work up the nerve especially since she thought she was pregnant & I wanted to wait until she knew for sure. Her period came & that just made it even harder. Oh I failed to mention I've been pregnant 4 times in the last 4 years & it happens with little to no effort (1 ended in miscarriage & 1 died shortly after birth). She lives out of town, so I told her over the phone. I started with " I've been so nervous to tell u this, but I am pregnant" Even though I'm not sorry to be pregnant I told her how horrible I felt considering the situation. She was still thrilled for me & I think coming from a humble place will let her know that you really have had her feelings in mind. I agree with PP that u should tell her in person & before anyone else gets to her w/ the news. Even if she does get sad, she'll appreciate your sensitivity to the situation & her feelings. Good luck!

   

  

   

   

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• rae_dylanzmom member

  January 2014

  Sorry for the difficulties with your SIL. What I've been learning is that all people take the news of a pregnancy in the context of their own situation. Happy, sad, indifferent,... Everyone you tell has some personal experience, and you often never really know what other people are going through.
  
  When I got PG with #1, I know I was insensitive to friends, without considering their situation. (e.g., I talked about how easy it was to get PG with women I later found out spent years and years trying.... really wish I could take that back).
  
  Sounds like you're off to the right start being sensitive to her feelings.
  

  

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• ksukitty1979 member

  January 2014

  Thank you very much everyone.  I will take your advice and tell her privately, before we make it public.  I will try to respect her feelings as much as possible in all of this.  This is our fourth child (they are 9,6 and 4).  So I think that adds to it for her.  Hopefully, one day soon she will be making her pregnancy announcement. 
  

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• Ukulady member

  January 2014

  Great advice here.
  
  One of my BFFs and my cousin both had problems with either losses or TTGP.
  
  My cousin told me flat out before she had her baby that if I ever got pregnant to tell her in private over the phone because even though she'd be happy for me she'd need time to process it privately.
  
  My BFF ended up being pregnant a month before us and had to go on bedrest at 20 weeks.  She had experienced a loss at 23 weeks and told me she was terrified that she would have another loss and have to see me have a baby.  Even though she would be happy for us it would have been hard on her. 
  
  If she's upset, don't take it personally, apparently this is the hardest thing to go through.
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

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• Beedeck member

  January 2014

  I am in a very similar situation, my SIL announced on Christmas this year that they were PG, they had been trying for several months. I got my BFP the day after Christmas and was really excited that we were going to be pregnant together but didn't want to spill the beans too soon because I was only 4 weeks, (She was 8weeks). DH got a text from my MIL on Monday saying SIL lost the baby . I am devastated for her. DH and I have decided to not tell anyone until 12 weeks so hopefully that will give her more time to heal and also we plan on telling her in person first.
  Sorry you are in this situation, it really makes us reflect on how lucky we are sometimes.

  

  

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• Kristalina member

  January 2014

  I had a friend bombard me with her positive pregnancy test just weeks after my second miscarriage. Like literally stick in my face asking if it looked positive. And while I was truly happy for her, I couldn't think of a less sensitive way for her to tell me. I think as long as you tell your SIL privately and give her time to process she will in her own time be genuinely happy for you.

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• NADA-H member

  January 2014

  I'm about to have to deal with this.

  
  

  my SIL is very nice, she lives in a nearby country but we chat on facebook and talk over the phone some times, I haven't met her in person yet but met her husband my BIL.

  
  

  problem is worse here because she did get pregnant before during her 7 years of marriage and had 3 still borne full term babies that they had to bury, heart breaking. She keeps posting prayers on facebook wishing for a child. We got pregnant 2.5 months after the wedding (unplanned) and while her husband knows we asked him not to tell her yet.

  
  

  I'm going to let the family know this coming weekend, I will be 14W, though and she will know and I just don't know how to handle that.

  
  God Bless You my Little One
  Farida, our first child, born on the 19th of July 2014
  
  Farida, at 8 weeks
  
  

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• rae_dylanzmom member

  January 2014

  NADA-H said:

  I'm about to have to deal with this.

  
  

  my SIL is very nice, she lives in a nearby country but we chat on facebook and talk over the phone some times, I haven't met her in person yet but met her husband my BIL.

  
  

  problem is worse here because she did get pregnant before during her 7 years of marriage and had 3 still borne full term babies that they had to bury, heart breaking. She keeps posting prayers on facebook wishing for a child. We got pregnant 2.5 months after the wedding (unplanned) and while her husband knows we asked him not to tell her yet.

  
  

  I'm going to let the family know this coming weekend, I will be 14W, though and she will know and I just don't know how to handle that.

  Still sad for her, but I agree with the pp that her husband can tell her.

  

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• kboydbowman member

  January 2014

  WhoCanItBeNow said:

  NADA-H said:

  I'm about to have to deal with this.

  
  

  my SIL is very nice, she lives in a nearby country but we chat on facebook and talk over the phone some times, I haven't met her in person yet but met her husband my BIL.

  
  

  problem is worse here because she did get pregnant before during her 7 years of marriage and had 3 still borne full term babies that they had to bury, heart breaking. She keeps posting prayers on facebook wishing for a child. We got pregnant 2.5 months after the wedding (unplanned) and while her husband knows we asked him not to tell her yet.

  
  

  I'm going to let the family know this coming weekend, I will be 14W, though and she will know and I just don't know how to handle that.

  Have her husband tell her. Not that difficult. Quit making everything about you. You've done a lot of that over this- trying to figure out what is easiest for you. He already knows. That's actually pretty mean to tell him and make him keep that from her. 

  
  

  What is there for you to handle once she knows? Nothing. It's not all about you. 

  
  

  Apparently we're reading two different posts, because to me it sounds like the OP caring very much for her SIL's feelings and wanting to minimize the painful impact of the news.
  

  Current pregnancy -
  First BFP on 1/4/22.  Due date 9/13/22.
  
  

  Four prior losses, no living children - 1 first trimester miscarriage, 1 blighted ovum, 1 chemical, and one extreme premature live birth daughter who died at 15 days old.

  
  

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• NADA-H member

  January 2014

  Ok since u decided ur such an expert on my life. My husband is the one who decided to tell his brother and is the one who decided to ask his brother not to tell his wife wasnt my call in both cases he is the one who really knows her, knows the history and it is his family. My SIL isn't in this country and will not be at the family setting but she will eventually know once we go public after we tell the family and was definately going to let her know before we go all public and no being in a different country i am not worried about me telling her am worried about her own feelings since i wont meet her face to face until way after the baby is born since we each live in different countries.
  
  Your ability to analyse and decide my thoughts, feelings, and life conditions is just mind blowing. I've reported you before and many other posters did and obviously that leads to nothing here but i offered before and will offer again since you seem to get some kind of rush from tracking my posts just to leave rude comments and bad mouth me. Would u like me to give u a schedule of my upcoming posts and replies to make the tracking easier? Or does part of that rush come from the looking and hunting around for my name?

  
  God Bless You my Little One
  Farida, our first child, born on the 19th of July 2014
  
  Farida, at 8 weeks
  
  

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• NADA-H member

  January 2014

  The family being told at this gathering is mine, my grandparents, aunts, cousins, not my husband's and they don't know my SIL

  
  God Bless You my Little One
  Farida, our first child, born on the 19th of July 2014
  
  Farida, at 8 weeks
  
  

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• julestony member

  January 2014

  I feel your pain...my SIL has had two miscarriages last year and now we're PG...I will sit down with her alone, I think this is the fairest thing to do, and know it won't be easy. Very nervous about it, even though w have a great relationship. My thoughts are with you.

  

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• NADA-H member

  January 2014

  WhoCanItBeNow said:

  NADA-H said:

  Ok since u decided ur such an expert on my life. My husband is the one who decided to tell his brother and is the one who decided to ask his brother not to tell his wife wasnt my call in both cases he is the one who really knows her, knows the history and it is his family. My SIL isn't in this country and will not be at the family setting but she will eventually know once we go public after we tell the family and was definately going to let her know before we go all public and no being in a different country i am not worried about me telling her am worried about her own feelings since i wont meet her face to face until way after the baby is born since we each live in different countries. Your ability to analyse and decide my thoughts, feelings, and life conditions is just mind blowing. I've reported you before and many other posters did and obviously that leads to nothing here but i offered before and will offer again since you seem to get some kind of rush from tracking my posts just to leave rude comments and bad mouth me. Would u like me to give u a schedule of my upcoming posts and replies to make the tracking easier? Or does part of that rush come from the looking and hunting around for my name?

  You post on a board I regularly comment on. Don't flatter yourself. I will bet good money I posted on this board long before you, so technically you are stalking me. 

  
  

  And why don't you tell us again exactly how L&D and OBs work in the US when you don't live here and have never been a part of our medical system. And that you know how our FMLA system works, though you don't even know how maternity leave works in your own country considering you planned on giving zero notice prior to leaving. 

  
  

  So are you telling her before you go public or not? Because you said you were doing both in the same sentence. 

  
  

  I will answer all your comments here to put this to rest once and for all not for you because honestly I don't care what you think and I've previously commented on all those different topics in their own threads in reply to you but because you are bad mouthing me here, here it goes;

  
  

  regarding doctors sometimes performing unnecessary procedures to speed up delivery, that does happen everywhere in the world by doctors who are impatient and that was concurred by the other posters in that thread back at the time, posters who are from Your Country and had delivered there.

  
  

  As to people being able to video tape their deliveries in the US that was ALSO concurred by other posters from Your Country and some even shared videos with you to prove that.

  
  

  As to maternity leave I was mentioning that I will not mention being pregnant at my new job which I started last week until the end of my first T and beginning of my second T ( and back in that thread I said it was a typo when I said "I will not mention being pregnant at my new job until the end of my third T" which to me seemed very obvious to be the case. I will be letting my manager know sometime in the coming 10 days and would definitely plan and apply for my leave then because it is a lengthy process. You can't just disappear off of earth with no note and expect to be paid for ever, or expect your job to be waiting for you. If you are gone without notice and no one knows where you are your job will probably be kept for a month with pay which is a normal notice period (private sector) and they will let you go and pay will stop. I've had a job for the last 8 years and I definitely don't need to be told I need to apply for leave, it is a lengthy process that I need to get many signatures on that I had to do every time I took a sick day, floating day, paid and unpaid leave, and even public holidays because we used weekly time sheets and any referenced leave of any sort on the time sheet which needs to be signed by my direct manager had to be spelled out with it's code number so it would clearly say "maternity leave" on every single day of maternity leave that I take and be accompanied by a leave form filled by me and signed by my manager, department manager and HR, otherwise I don't get paid.

  
  

  I said "she will eventually know once we go public after we tell the family and was definitely going to let her know before we go all public" meaning I won't let her just eventually know when it spreads, I will let her know between letting my own family know and the rest of the world.

  
  

  any further accusations or requests?

  
  God Bless You my Little One
  Farida, our first child, born on the 19th of July 2014
  
  Farida, at 8 weeks
  
  

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• mikescutie7 member

  January 2014

  I had no idea my SIL was TTC until we announced our pregnancy and I was immediately worried because her doctor told her if she didn't have one now she might never. We got a lot of attention at Christmas but I was sincerely hoping she didn't mind.
  
  I didn't end up having to worry because she got her bfp and is as far along as I am.
  
  Whether or not your SIL has a hard time learning about your pregnancy, if she is a good person she will be genuinely happy for you. And who knows, maybe she will get her bfp soon.
  

  
  

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