One & Done: Only child
Karen1024
member
Hello?
Karen1024
member
At first I just wanted to say hi and share some thoughts but then this post turned into family planning therapy 101. I'll still post it but I never meant it to be so long!!! LOL! We are in the process of deciding whether or not to be OAD so I hope it's okay to post these thoughts here? I know it's really helped me to type them out so if this is the wrong board I will go somewhere else.
I love the idea of getting to be mommy AND having time to myself. This single feeling makes OAD very very attractive. Add in the fact that I have a heart condition and am very mindful of my health OAD starts to sound better and better. DD is wonderful and more than enough. Because we must build our family through adoption we can't really leave it up to chance. Financially we can afford two, although I do worry about money so having one means less worry for me. This decision just feels so freakin' big! How am I supposed to make this decision it's so big? Bigger than getting married big! Bigger than having our first kid big! I wish we had more external limitations or I felt stronger about it.Maybe we just need more time... Right now we are still in contact with our adoption agency but in no way committed to a second adoption.
I didn't really WANT kids until I met my husband. I just knew he would be a great dad and then BOOM! I wanted them. I was right he is great. 
I assumed we'd have two kids because aren't you supposed to want siblings? I knew I didn't want 3 but I never really considered just one. My husband had a brother who died in a HS football accident so having only one seems kind of "risky". My husband thinks the 'ideal' is two but also has his own reasons for feeling as if one would be okay. My two siblings don't have kids yet and might not ever have kids. So as it stands now all four grandparents only have one grandchild. This could be both awesome and terrible pressure for just one kid! And she won't have any cousins to fill a similar role as siblings.
I assumed we'd have two kids because aren't you supposed to want siblings? I knew I didn't want 3 but I never really considered just one. My husband had a brother who died in a HS football accident so having only one seems kind of "risky". My husband thinks the 'ideal' is two but also has his own reasons for feeling as if one would be okay. My two siblings don't have kids yet and might not ever have kids. So as it stands now all four grandparents only have one grandchild. This could be both awesome and terrible pressure for just one kid! And she won't have any cousins to fill a similar role as siblings. Back on the OAD side we are 39 and 42 years old and I want to have some time being 'young' enough to travel etc when we are empty nesters. We've really been through the ringer with adoption stress including the death of an intended baby during childbirth and a fraudulent birth mom sentenced to 6 1/2 years in prison for adoption fraud. We just had our 4th adoption attempt fall through and I said if this didn't work out I was done because of the horridness of the process, but now I'm not so sure. I found myself wondering if I even wanted a second baby during the last adoption attempt when DD's birth mom was pregnant with her bio-sibling. It was way earlier than we'd planned for a sibling but since it was our daughter's full blood sibling I wanted us to be the parents no matter what the age. Two felt overwhelming back then but as DD gets older I can see having a second. So I kind of wonder if my secret thoughts of wanting to be OAD during the adoption attempt were more about not wanting a newborn when DD was only 14 months old!
Unless you are filthy rich with a bunch of extra time and young in relative good health I think any well thought out decision to have a child is frightening. I wasn't sure how I was going to handle the stress of being a mom the first time but I did just fine so I'm hesitant to base this decision on fear of what could go wrong with kid #2 given how well we changed to fit the situation... Family vacations seem like they would be more fun with multiples but what about the normal day to day stuff? I really love being DD's mom so does having 2 kids mean twice the joy? I think in some ways it is easier to have two and in other ways easier to have one. Uff-Da!
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Re: Hello?
As far as family vacations, I think the opposite. Even imagining a family vacation with several kids is enough to stress me right now. Vacations with my 7 year old are AMAZING, especially as she's gotten older. It's SO much easier. And we can spoil her
I'm not on the fence, never was. Was a simple choice for me. But I know many are on the fence, and it was/is a tough decision for them. So stick 'round!