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Hello?

Karen1024Karen1024 member
in One & Done: Only child
At first I just wanted to say hi and share some thoughts but then this post turned into family planning therapy 101.  I'll still post it but I never meant it to be so long!!! LOL! We are in the process of deciding whether or not to be OAD so I hope it's okay to post these thoughts here? I know it's really helped me to type them out so if this is the wrong board I will go somewhere else. 

I love the idea of getting to be mommy AND having time to myself.  This single feeling makes OAD very very attractive.  Add in the fact that I have a heart condition and am very mindful of my health OAD starts to sound better and better. DD is wonderful and more than enough. Because we must build our family through adoption we can't really leave it up to chance. Financially we can afford two, although I do worry about money so having one means less worry for me.  This decision just feels so freakin' big! How am I supposed to make this decision it's so big? Bigger than getting married big! Bigger than having our first kid big! I wish we had more external limitations or I felt stronger about it.Maybe we just need more time... Right now we are still in contact with our adoption agency but in no way committed to a second adoption. 

I didn't really WANT kids until I met my husband. I  just knew he would be a great dad and then BOOM! I wanted them. I was right he is great. :) I assumed we'd have two kids because aren't you supposed to want siblings?  I knew I didn't want 3 but I never really considered just one. My husband had a brother who died in a HS football accident so having only one seems kind of "risky". My husband thinks the 'ideal' is two but also has his own reasons for feeling as if one would be okay.  My two siblings don't have kids yet and might not ever have kids.  So as it stands now all four grandparents only have one grandchild. This could be both awesome and terrible pressure for just one kid! And she won't have any cousins to fill a similar role as siblings.  

Back on the OAD side we are 39 and 42 years old and I want to have some time being 'young' enough to travel etc when we are empty nesters. We've really been through the ringer with adoption stress including the death of an intended baby during childbirth and a fraudulent birth mom sentenced to 6 1/2 years in prison for adoption fraud. We just had our 4th adoption attempt fall through and I said if this didn't work out I was done because of the horridness of the process, but now I'm not so sure.  I found myself wondering if I even wanted a second baby during the last adoption attempt when DD's birth mom was pregnant with her bio-sibling. It was way earlier than we'd planned for a sibling but since it was our daughter's full blood sibling I wanted us to be the parents no matter what the age. Two felt overwhelming back then but as DD gets older I can see having a second. So I kind of wonder if my secret thoughts of wanting to be OAD during the adoption attempt were more about not wanting a newborn when DD was only 14 months old!

Unless you are filthy rich with a bunch of extra time and young in relative good health I think any well thought out decision to have a child is frightening. I wasn't sure how I was going to handle the stress of being a mom the first time but I did just fine so I'm hesitant to base this decision on fear of what could go wrong with kid #2 given how well we changed to fit the situation... Family vacations seem like they would be more fun with multiples but what about the normal day to day stuff? I really love being DD's mom so does having 2 kids mean twice the joy? I think in some ways it is easier to have two and in other ways easier to have one.   Uff-Da! 
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Re: Hello?

  • Karen1024Karen1024 member
    Thank you!

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  • PB102012PB102012 member
    Welcome!

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  • Chapter79Chapter79 member
    Welcome!

    As far as family vacations, I think the opposite.  Even imagining a family vacation with several kids is enough to stress me right now. Vacations with my 7 year old are AMAZING, especially as she's gotten older. It's SO much easier.  And we can spoil her :)  All the activities are based on what she loves, what she wants to do, and her.  That sounds way more fun than siblings complaining "I don't wannaaaaa do that!" or "I dont wannaaaa eat here" and having to make choices based on more than one kid.  It's quiet.. ahhh..

    I'm not on the fence, never was. Was a simple choice for me.  But I know many are on the fence, and it was/is a tough decision for them.  So stick 'round!
    E+C
    (+ hers and his, ages 13 & 8)
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  • Chapter79Chapter79 member
    OhBenji said:
    @Chapter79 so nice to see you around here. I was wondering what happened to you.
    @OhBenji - aww, you're sweet :) Thank you. I'm around, I've been lurking.. just not posting as much. I promise I won't disappear again.
    E+C
    (+ hers and his, ages 13 & 8)
    TTC
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  • Shelly038Shelly038 member
    Karen1024 said:
    At first I just wanted to say hi and share some thoughts but then this post turned into family planning therapy 101.  I'll still post it but I never meant it to be so long!!! LOL! We are in the process of deciding whether or not to be OAD so I hope it's okay to post these thoughts here? I know it's really helped me to type them out so if this is the wrong board I will go somewhere else. 

    I love the idea of getting to be mommy AND having time to myself.  This single feeling makes OAD very very attractive.  Add in the fact that I have a heart condition and am very mindful of my health OAD starts to sound better and better. DD is wonderful and more than enough. Because we must build our family through adoption we can't really leave it up to chance. Financially we can afford two, although I do worry about money so having one means less worry for me.  This decision just feels so freakin' big! How am I supposed to make this decision it's so big? Bigger than getting married big! Bigger than having our first kid big! I wish we had more external limitations or I felt stronger about it.Maybe we just need more time... Right now we are still in contact with our adoption agency but in no way committed to a second adoption. 

    I didn't really WANT kids until I met my husband. I  just knew he would be a great dad and then BOOM! I wanted them. I was right he is great. :) I assumed we'd have two kids because aren't you supposed to want siblings?  I knew I didn't want 3 but I never really considered just one. My husband had a brother who died in a HS football accident so having only one seems kind of "risky". My husband thinks the 'ideal' is two but also has his own reasons for feeling as if one would be okay.  My two siblings don't have kids yet and might not ever have kids.  So as it stands now all four grandparents only have one grandchild. This could be both awesome and terrible pressure for just one kid! And she won't have any cousins to fill a similar role as siblings.  

    Back on the OAD side we are 39 and 42 years old and I want to have some time being 'young' enough to travel etc when we are empty nesters. We've really been through the ringer with adoption stress including the death of an intended baby during childbirth and a fraudulent birth mom sentenced to 6 1/2 years in prison for adoption fraud. We just had our 4th adoption attempt fall through and I said if this didn't work out I was done because of the horridness of the process, but now I'm not so sure.  I found myself wondering if I even wanted a second baby during the last adoption attempt when DD's birth mom was pregnant with her bio-sibling. It was way earlier than we'd planned for a sibling but since it was our daughter's full blood sibling I wanted us to be the parents no matter what the age. Two felt overwhelming back then but as DD gets older I can see having a second. So I kind of wonder if my secret thoughts of wanting to be OAD during the adoption attempt were more about not wanting a newborn when DD was only 14 months old!

    Unless you are filthy rich with a bunch of extra time and young in relative good health I think any well thought out decision to have a child is frightening. I wasn't sure how I was going to handle the stress of being a mom the first time but I did just fine so I'm hesitant to base this decision on fear of what could go wrong with kid #2 given how well we changed to fit the situation... Family vacations seem like they would be more fun with multiples but what about the normal day to day stuff? I really love being DD's mom so does having 2 kids mean twice the joy? I think in some ways it is easier to have two and in other ways easier to have one.   Uff-Da! 
    I'm a fence sitter.  Well...let me rephrase that.  My husband and I are on opposite sides of the fence.  He wants DD to be an only (he grew up an only so I do think that might have something to do with it).  I want DD to have one sibling but would be satisfied with having just one child.  He worries about money (which is crazy since that's the thing I always stress about and he's like oh we're fine).  It's not even the needs.  We have plenty of money for a second child's needs.  He's worried about the wants and things down the road like college.  I don't have any advice for you but rest assured you are not the only fence sitter. 
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  • hopefulmom81hopefulmom81 member
    OhBenji said:

    Hi.

    It's a hard decision.

    We are OAD for similar reasons, financial, more time with DS, my sanity, our marriage etc. We are young enough to have a second child, but neither one of us wants one at this point. H doesn't necessarily want a second child, he likes the idea of DS having a sibling which upsets me.

    So he really likes the idea  of a 2nd and sibling for DS so people aren't saying "Oh he will be so lonely, he wont have a sibling etc." So its more of peer pressure than anything.

    Not everyone is cut out to have 2 or 3 kids and I'm okay with that and so is H. Not every family has to have mom, dad & 2 kids. In people's mindset every child needs a sibling, which isn't true. Siblings don't guarantee friends for life, or that they will even be close to you. I know plenty of people who never see their siblings. While I do see my brother, I am not close to him. My mom has a sister and isn't close to her at all, and my aunt never helps out with my elderly grandmother.

    I look forward to our vacations with DS since I want to include him in everything. I don't want to be that parent that dreads vacations because they have 2 or 3 kids to drag with them. And its never actually a vacation because you're constantly chasing kids. Nor do I want to be that family that never takes vacations because they 1) cannot afford it 2) don't want to travel with kids.

    While this might sound selfish I want to enjoy motherhood and be able to focus on DS as well as be a good wife to my husband. I want to enjoy motherhood but still have time for myself and H.

    I just know that my family feels complete.

    Sorry if my post wasn't helpful.

    Welcome

     

     ETA: I just realized how long my post was. Yikes.

     

    Speaking as an only child, I never felt any more lonely than my friends with siblings spoke about.  I RARELY remember friends running around with different-aged siblings.  They all hung out with their same-aged friends.  I had this one friend who had a sister who was 3-4 years younger that would tag along to everything and we all thought it was super weird lol!  As you grow up, you get involved in activities, have many friends, neighbors, and family, and eventually (hopefully), a SO to be with.  I look back on my childhood and truly don't remember feeling lonely any abnormal amount.  

    We learn to be alone without being lonely, if that makes sense.  They are two different concepts.

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  • Karen1024Karen1024 member
    Thanks everyone!  
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