Two random observations on attitudes toward infants and sleep

ReeceFamily · January 2014

I was reading up on potty training (very far in advance, it turns out ), and was surprised at how often I was cautioned to watch for signs of a child's readiness before proceeding. It's interesting to me that a child-centered approach is commonly applied to potty training, but often completely ignored for "sleep training" - at least on traditional and non-AP information sources.
Pop music/pop culture often refers to "sleeping alone" as something bad/sad that should be avoided as an adult...and yet we (meaning our culture in general) force babies to sleep alone. Makes me wonder if there is a relationship/correlation between infant sleep situations/early sleep training and sexual behavior as a teenager (if that makes sense).

MamaMuslima01 · January 2014

Hummmm.. go on! I want to hear more lol. So are you FOR or AGAINST sleep training? Me personally, I am against. (To each his own)

kcisthebombdotcom · January 2014

1. I think it's mostly a laziness thing. It's easier to train a child that is ready to train than one who isn't.
2. I've never gotten the impression that pop culture promotes sleeping alone. I mean I think pop culture thinks its weird if a cohabitating and/or married couple sleeps separately but others I don't agree that our culture thinks someone needs to be in your bed.

musicalmama5 · January 2014

1. I think that point is interesting. But I think the reason society prefers a child-centered approach to potty-training more than it prefers a child-centered approach to sleep-training is because of the effect that each of those things have on the adults in the house. It's actually easier to keep a kid in diapers until they're really ready. But with sleep...? Most people would say that three days of crying that ended in 12 hour stretches at night is easier. (This is not me saying that this is best)

2. I think that is interesting as well. However, when "sleeping alone" is referenced in songs, I'm pretty sure they're talking about sex, not just sleeping. BUT, I do think that in most cultures around the world, it's pretty standard to sleep with parents/siblings.

You lost me on the relating to teenage sexual behavior thing though. Teens have sex because of biology, plain and simple. I don't think it has anything to do with where/how they slept as infants.

Emerald27 · January 2014

1. I agree with PPs that this one is directly related to the ease/difficulty of training for the parents. If you force potty training too early, you can deal with all sorts of regressions, bed wetting, and other issues that are really complex. Sleep training is stressful for a few days, and then baby gives up and sleeps when parents want him to. It's all about conveniencing mom and dad, and just so happens to work out in LO's favor on the potty training front, and against him on the sleep front.

2. I see what you're trying to say, but I think the pop culture "sleeping alone" reference is directed toward sexual or dating relationships...

The better metaphor might be that we wouldn't want an adult loved one to cry herself to sleep - we would go to her, hug and comfort her, and stay with her until she was asleep. We don't leave adults we love alone when they're sad, even if we're tired. So why would we leave a baby cry herself to sleep? And not go to her and snuggle her to sleep?

ncbelle · January 2014

I've often been annoyed by #1 but it is totally about what's easier for the parents - "readiness" just sounds nice. Same things as people keeping older children in cribs.

I don't know about #2 exactly. I'm more bothered by the fact that many adults acknowledge they dislike sleeping alone (I can think of numerous "I don't sleep well when hubby is out of town" posts) and yet that logic doesn't get extended to children. Adults often experience trouble sleeping or wakeful periods and yet many seem to think their infants/toddlers shouldn't.

But my biggest "thing" on the whole sleep issue is the fact that so many shut out the voice of their instinct in favor of what society says baby "should do."

ReeceFamily · January 2014

Thanks for indulging my random and not-very-deep thoughts with thoughtful responses.

We bedshare, so I am not necessarily against sleep training, it's just not for me. I agree with the consensus that the readiness advice on this probably has to do with convenience to adults.

I'm not so sure that "sleeping alone" in terms of pop culture only has to to with dating and sex. A lot of women I know have a lot of trouble sleeping alone simply because they are lonely or even scared. I think a lot of people long for a partner to share a bed with simply for comfort - but maybe I'm just saying this because I have NO libido these days

. And aside from hormones, I think a lot of teens are seeking love and comfort, but end up having sex because they can't articulate what they are really looking for. Whether this has any correlation with early infancy is, of course, wild conjecture on my part.

coffeeandbooks · January 2014

interesting oberservations...
In my own experience...my parents were dead set against any form of co-sleeping...I only once slept with my mother my whole child hood....as a result I think I actually have trouble sleeping next to other people and sleep better alone. I always questioned why I was trained to sleep alone when I was also being taught to get married and share a bed.
Also regarding the teen sex behavior...I wasn't promiscuous but I have always craved cuddling and that has always been one of my favorite parts of romance from a young age.

ReeceFamily · January 2014

ClaryPax said:

I agree that teenagers may not be able to express that they want love and not sex. This is something that can be taught and talked about with our teens. I had a great mom and just the way I was raised (we did not bed share) made me know the difference as a teen. Since we don't usually bed share with teens then I still don't think your correlation makes sense unless you are planning to bed share with your teen. I think an overall good relationship with your teen and good attached upbringing would make them feel loved and not need to seek out negative attention. I don't think bed sharing is necessary in that just making your child feel loved and understand how to make good decisions throughout the years. Unless you are going as far to say that children who don't bed share don't feel loved? I co slept with mine, now they are older they sleep alone but I always respond to their needs. I often get compliments on DS so I think his non negative seeking behavior shows he feels he is getting enough positive attention. And I strive in all ways that we have a good relationship. It's like all thing with AP it's a toolkit pick and chose those that work for you, but in a lot of ways it's a state of mind and belief system.

No - I definitely don't think that children who don't bed share don't feel loved! I was thinking on a much broader societal level, not an individual level. But your point is well taken...in fact I remember reading that the benefits of AP to infants are generally limited TO infants. If the same level of connection isn't maintained (in an age-appropriate way) as the child grows, then the benefit of having done anything AP is essentially lost. This essentially contradicts the thought I was trying to formulate!

jesuisfatiguee · January 2014

A couple of points...

First, while sleeping together =/= having sex, as a teen, I most certainly did have sex with people at times just so I didn't have to sleep alone that night. Not at all ideal, kinda sad, and I wouldn't recommend it, but I just thought I'd throw that out there FWIW. It does happen.

Second, while I have not seen any studies demonstrating correlation between sleep training and sexual promiscuity later in life, I *have* seen studies/articles demonstrating correlation between sleep training and sleep disorders, negative sleep associations and the like. While the western world promotes leaving babies to cry so they'll learn to self-soothe, it's also the western world that has the most trouble with self-soothing and normal, healthy sleep.

I can find the article if you want, but I'm too lazy unless I know someone really needs it lol

SidraJedi · January 2014

I was listening to a fascinating piece on NPR about a book on sleep. A good chunk of the world does sleep in groups rather than alone like most of the Western world. Apparently the Western world has some pretty strange attitudes towards sleep in general according to the anthropologist who helped right this book. I think the book was called something like Head Trip.

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