Bridesmaid Debbie Downer (long and NBR)

Rosebean · January 2014

In March I am a bridemaid for a friend's wedding. Honestly this will be my last wedding. I just can't handle all the money and dedication that comes with being one. Today, one of the other bridesmaids sent a group message about doing a spa night the night before the wedding. The bride and us 4 bridesmaids would need to commit to a minimum of 10 services (so 2 each), plus pay 15% gratuities to get the space to ourselves for an evening. I don't even know if this includes us bridesmaids paying for the bride. I told them I am just tapped out financially. In the course of the 5 weeks prior to the wedding, I need to contribute towards the shower, plus buy a gift, put on DS' birthday party, contribute towards the stagette, plus pay to alter my dress (praying my baby bump doesn't become so present that this becomes an issue), pay for make up and hair, plus buy a wedding gift. Plus DS starts daycare $600 a month and I have to pay to park downtown for my "new"' job. I may also need to get a new cell phone for said job (not sure if they are providing one for me yet). I just don't know what else to do if they keep pushing me on this. I did warn the bride that I didn't have a lot of money to be a bridesmaid, and she already chose a $220 dress for us (which I found online for $60 cheaper per dress from a reputable place I had bought from before), plus $60 shoes (yep.... The price we saved on the dress could have paid for the shoes). But it just really pricks my range of fairness... In that I don't want anyone picking up my tab in order to get me to say yes, and I don't want to be the Debbie downer that keeps the fun from happening because I have no money. I told them I have a gift cert to another spa to have a mani/pedi from Christmas that I can save to use before the wedding, but I don't think it would be fair to have them all move over to my spa because it will be free for me.... Any advice?

tamarar5 · January 2014

In so sorry! I've never been asked to be in a edging and no one offered to throw me any of the traditional bridal events... so no advice.

but I do know it sucks to be broke and not do everything you want to. I'm sorry everything is happening all at once and the other maids have expensive taste.

tamarar5 · January 2014

I told my one friend to wear something she already had!

musicalmama5 · January 2014

I'm sorry you're in that situation. It sucks.

I was MOH in my BFF's wedding a couple years ago, and couldn't go to the bachelorette party, because it was an entire weekend at a hotel on a beach. Ummm... even if I had the $$ (which I don't), I don't have the TIME for that! Fortunately, our other BFF couldn't go either, so the three of us had a night out together the night before the wedding, which counted as our bacholette party.

If I were you, I'd just be honest from the get-go about what you can and can't do. And don't be apologetic about it. Honestly, I think weddings have gotten so crazy. No, you can't spend all of your disposable income on her wedding. She can deal with that. Do what you can, or what you want to and feel comfortable doing, but don't feel bad about not doing everything.

Rosebean · January 2014

I told the bride from the beginning I couldn't afford much. Now I feel like I am fighting to enforce my words. The silly part is, the girl who is instigating the spa had a baby the same month as I did and knows that being on mat leave is making things tight. She said she had told the bride the same thing too. But she lives with her well to do boyfriend in a beautiful brand new house and so I don't think she really is too concerned with cash flow. I just wish this wasn't becoming as extravagant as it is. I really never thought it would get this way because the bride has always been careful with her own money.

Meggiemuggins · January 2014

That stinks. I'm in a wedding this May and feel similarly. It's not coming from the bride, though, but rather the other 4 bridesmaids. They suggested that for the bachelorette, we have a spa day at a fancy hotel, go out for dinner, go to a club, spend the night in the fancy hotel then go for brunch the next morning. Nice, right? Sure if I had the money and didn't have a baby to look after. So I figure I'll meet them for dinner and that's it.

I'd see if you can do something similar for the bachelorette, just attend part of it. The bride wouldn't want you to hurt yourself financially on her behalf, I bet.

caladpi02 · January 2014

I know it sucks to have all these costs, but you really should have just declined from the outset if you were not sure of the costs. Personally, I think it sounds like you are getting away with not paying much-here it is pretty standard to have dress+shoes around 300-400 with alterations, hair and makeup which are usually around 150, bachys that involve plane flights+ prix fixe dinners+ clubs and hosting showers. It is pretty standard for it to cost 1500 to 3500 for the bridesmaid when all is said and done.
As for your question, I think that if someone is tossing out an idea and it is too much, say so-you did the right thing. I would not suggest moving the location, just say you are too busy and have other things going on, like DS's birthday and adding another cost is just too much. For all you know, the other BM are feeling the same.

kleigh926 · January 2014

I'm sorry, that really stinks. I have to agree with the PP that wedding costs get so out of hand. I tried to be very conscious of this and picked relatively cheap dresses for my bridesmaids. They could wear whatever dressy silver shoes and jewelry they wanted. I also didn't care what they did with their hair or makeup. They did throw me a shower and a nice bachelorette party (go-karting, pedi/mani and dinner at the Olive Garden) but that stuff wasn't too expensive and I certainly didn't push for anything.

Rosebean · January 2014

@uncaripswife thank you for that perspective. I think I needed to be reminded that the bride is primarily my friend. She will totally understand where I am coming from because she has always said it is okay to say no to things if I can't afford them. I told the girls I would come and hang out with them while they got their nails done, but I would use my GC before hand so I had pretty nails for free. That way I am not missing out on the fun, or having bunk nails for her big day.

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