Find out the gender - but keep it a secret?

drsunny · January 2014

In my ideal world, DH and I would be able to find out the gender of our baby but not tell anyone else. I feel like it would allow us to know and bond with our future son/daughter, but would still retain some of the fun of team green. We don't want/need gender specific gifts at showers and the nursery will be light grey and neutrals no matter what.

Is this possible or am I totally fooling myself? Has anyone done it? Is there a way to keep it a secret without lying through your teeth for 5 months?

MaidMarion25 · January 2014

You don't have to lie, just tell people you and DH are keeping it secret, you don't have to explain yourself, it's your baby and you guys should do what makes you happy

MollySm · January 2014

I don't care if people keep it a secret, but I find it super annoying when they tell everyone they are keeping it a secret. It always comes across to me as 'I know something you don't know'. If you want to keep it a secret, just don't tell people that you know. Sure, it's a tiny bit of lying, but totally worth it IMO.

LKHoffa · January 2014

I totally agree with what you said! I would feel too guilty not telling everyone. Plus, in the end, I find "We know but we won't tell you" to come off as a bit condescending, so I would try to avoid that, personally!

drsunny · January 2014

LKHoffa said:

I totally agree with what you said! I would feel too guilty not telling everyone. Plus, in the end, I find "We know but we won't tell you" to come off as a bit condescending, so I would try to avoid that, personally!

Good advice! I definitely want to avoid that.

LKHoffa · January 2014

drsunny said:

LKHoffa said:

I totally agree with what you said! I would feel too guilty not telling everyone. Plus, in the end, I find "We know but we won't tell you" to come off as a bit condescending, so I would try to avoid that, personally!

I totally see your point though!! That's just my feeling! Good advice! I definitely want to avoid that.

erey86 · January 2014

My sister did this when she was pregnant with my niece. She told everyone they knew but wouldn't share the gender with any of us. It was actually pretty annoying because she kept hinting of specific things she wanted but my mother and I couldn't get for her because she wouldn't tell us if pink or blue. As mentioned by MollySM it was annoying because it was almost like they kept rubbing it in our noses!

wtfisup · January 2014

We've known for about a week and aren't going public for a couple more. Do what you like. I just wanted to have space to acclimate.

Gigi8212 · January 2014

I know a couple who knew the sex after their a/s but kept it a secret the whole pregnancy. Everyone knew that they knew though. I thought the whole thing was bizarre to be honest.

Read247 · January 2014

I'm finding out but not telling. My family pissed me off by announcing my pregnancy before I was ready, so I never got to do the big announcement. I'm telling everyone that we're not finding out but really I'm just not telling. It's MY news to share and I should be the one who decides when to share it. (Like the news of my pregnancy)

Cherylwang · January 2014

For myself personally I would be worried I would slip and say he/she when talking about the baby. Bc at home you could say it freely to your husband then you have to stop yourself from doing that in public.

almendarez · January 2014

People keep asking us if we are going to keep the gender secret once we know.. I thought it was a weird question but I guess it's fairly common! I figure that nobody will be as excited as we are about the gender and I know I will slip with "he" or "she" all the time anyway so there is no point in hiding it. If someone asks the gender, I will tell them!

hollyfp · January 2014

almendarez said:

People keep asking us if we are going to keep the gender secret once we know.. I thought it was a weird question but I guess it's fairly common! I figure that nobody will be as excited as we are about the gender and I know I will slip with "he" or "she" all the time anyway so there is no point in hiding it. If someone asks the gender, I will tell them!

This is how I feel. We have friends who found out but didn't tell people and I didn't get it- it's an exciting surprise for the parents (and family...) , and doesn't really matter so much for anyone else.
I think it's more understandable to know & keep it a secret but keep it quiet that you know, because it doesn't give off that "I know something you don't know!" vibe.

Susanbeth85 · January 2014

We found out today, but aren't telling anyone; however, we are saying we don't know. While we are lying, I think it is better than rubbing it in everyone's face that we know but won't tell. And you know people will just try to get it out of you.

As to why we aren't telling, we want gender neutral stuff and there is too much pressure from in-laws to have a boy or a girl. It is also nice keeping some things just between my husband and I and not get everyone's advice just yet.

k2k2tog · January 2014

Definitely, just tell people you don't know. We want to do the same thing - find out, but keep it a secret. But I'm honest to a fault, and I find it so awkward every time someone asks whether or not we'll find out because I immediately say, "Yes, I think so," and then realize I have to back pedal. I'm starting to wonder if I just have to let DH find out and keep it a secret from me so I can keep it a secret from everyone else without feeling like the condescending brat saying "I know something you don't know..."

drsunny · January 2014

If we find out, I think I would just say something like "It's a surprise" when people ask. It would be my way of saying 'It's a surprise for YOU' but they might interpret it that we don't know. I would never be able to keep it to myself if friends/family were aware that we knew. I totally agree that letting people know you are keeping it a secret from them can come across badly.

JNerd · January 2014

I think we might find out and just not tell people we know. If it is a girl, as is the plan, and they ask about it, just say 'that is the plan and things go according to plan, same way they did with DS' an leave it at that.

MrsAMB07 · January 2014

I don't understand that, personally. Like other posters said, no one will care as much about the sex of your baby as you do. And to those that would be excited about the news, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. I think it's kind of insulting to keep it from them. The surprise in the delivery room is for the parents, so if you know, it's odd to me to keep it a secret. Why? Do you really think it's that big of a deal to everyone else? It comes off as a bit pompous to me. I can understand you want gender neutral gifts, but they're gifts. You can register for neutral big items, but beyond that you should be grateful for what someone chooses to gift you with. The whole thing would really bug me if I was a family member or friend of yours, especially if I knew the reason you were doing it was to control the gifts that I, or anyone else, was expected to by for you.

drsunny · January 2014

MrsAMB07 said:

I don't understand that, personally. Like other posters said, no one will care as much about the sex of your baby as you do. And to those that would be excited about the news, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. I think it's kind of insulting to keep it from them. The surprise in the delivery room is for the parents, so if you know, it's odd to me to keep it a secret. Why? Do you really think it's that big of a deal to everyone else? It comes off as a bit pompous to me. I can understand you want gender neutral gifts, but they're gifts. You can register for neutral big items, but beyond that you should be grateful for what someone chooses to gift you with. The whole thing would really bug me if I was a family member or friend of yours, especially if I knew the reason you were doing it was to control the gifts that I, or anyone else, was expected to by for you.

I think I feel the way I do because gender matters the most to us, and doesn't need to matter to everyone else. For our family, I want it to be more about having a baby, rather than having a boy or girl, so I don't think other people need to know. I have seen friends who share if they are having a boy or girl get a lot more unsolicited gender-specific advice, too. I would like to know because my husband wants to know and knowing him, it will help him bond with our child. It's not about the gifts at all - I'm not saying we WANT neutral gifts, just that we don't need gender-specific ones and will certainly be grateful for anything we are given. And if we were to do this, I would not let people know that we found out the gender.

MrsAMB07 · January 2014

MrsAMB07 said:

I don't understand that, personally. Like other posters said, no one will care as much about the sex of your baby as you do. And to those that would be excited about the news, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. I think it's kind of insulting to keep it from them. The surprise in the delivery room is for the parents, so if you know, it's odd to me to keep it a secret. Why? Do you really think it's that big of a deal to everyone else? It comes off as a bit pompous to me. I can understand you want gender neutral gifts, but they're gifts. You can register for neutral big items, but beyond that you should be grateful for what someone chooses to gift you with. The whole thing would really bug me if I was a family member or friend of yours, especially if I knew the reason you were doing it was to control the gifts that I, or anyone else, was expected to by for you.

I think I feel the way I do because gender matters the most to us, and doesn't need to matter to everyone else. For our family, I want it to be more about having a baby, rather than having a boy or girl, so I don't think other people need to know. I have seen friends who share if they are having a boy or girl get a lot more unsolicited gender-specific advice, too. I would like to know because my husband wants to know and knowing him, it will help him bond with our child. It's not about the gifts at all - I'm not saying we WANT neutral gifts, just that we don't need gender-specific ones and will certainly be grateful for anything we are given. And if we were to do this, I would not let people know that we found out the gender.

I can see your point. If you don't tell them you know, that it's not so bad... but I can see that being difficult.

MrsAMB07 · January 2014

MrsAMB07 said:

I don't understand that, personally. Like other posters said, no one will care as much about the sex of your baby as you do. And to those that would be excited about the news, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. I think it's kind of insulting to keep it from them. The surprise in the delivery room is for the parents, so if you know, it's odd to me to keep it a secret. Why? Do you really think it's that big of a deal to everyone else? It comes off as a bit pompous to me. I can understand you want gender neutral gifts, but they're gifts. You can register for neutral big items, but beyond that you should be grateful for what someone chooses to gift you with. The whole thing would really bug me if I was a family member or friend of yours, especially if I knew the reason you were doing it was to control the gifts that I, or anyone else, was expected to by for you.

I think I feel the way I do because gender matters the most to us, and doesn't need to matter to everyone else. For our family, I want it to be more about having a baby, rather than having a boy or girl, so I don't think other people need to know. I have seen friends who share if they are having a boy or girl get a lot more unsolicited gender-specific advice, too. I would like to know because my husband wants to know and knowing him, it will help him bond with our child. It's not about the gifts at all - I'm not saying we WANT neutral gifts, just that we don't need gender-specific ones and will certainly be grateful for anything we are given. And if we were to do this, I would not let people know that we found out the gender.

I can see your point. If you don't tell them you know, that it's not so bad... but I can see that being difficult.

Susanbeth85 · January 2014

A lot of people have said that the sex of the baby means more to the parents than anyone else, but I don't think that's always true. My in laws really want a grandson and even call my bump a "he." They claim they can't help or buy us any baby stuff since they don't know if it's a boy or a girl. Also people always ask the due date and sex. I think most people care more than we do, which is why we aren't telling. We want them to focus on a healthy baby and delivery.

I had a 100 degree temperature the other day and the inlaws never even asked how I was. But when we told them we had a dr appt they asked if we knew the sex yet! Every situation is different!

2blessingsin1 · January 2014

My Mom and MIL are driving me NUTS asking every u/s "could they tell" "what are they" "you better tell as soon as you find out".

Negative. This is mine and DH's moment. We want to tell our parents and we have made arrangements in how we are going to do it.

If you can keep the secret and you guys agree, I believe follow your heart with it. This is your special time to share together

temursgirl · January 2014

I would like to do this, but DH cannot keep a secret... If we did I would say we hadn't found out. My reasons are mainly gender preferences by our families. I feel like there could be expressed disappointment in hearing the "other" gender before the baby comes. An actual baby is quite different. DH really wants to find out the gender, and I kind of don't, so we're still deciding what to do.

mek20 · January 2014

We're going "team yellow". We both want to know, but we want to keep this a secret between us--its our baby and our special time.

To each their own though!

catsinawindow · January 2014

Know that if you do this, and tell people you are doing it, people aren't going to be happy. With DS, I wanted to know, DH didn't. We compromised with me finding out and not telling anyone (even DH). Even though I had a good reason not to tell anyone, it irritated the heck out of everyone that I knew but wouldn't tell.

I'd probably tell a half-truth like "it's going to be a surprise".

mek20 · January 2014

lisagde said:

Know that if you do this, and tell people you are doing it, people aren't going to be happy. With DS, I wanted to know, DH didn't. We compromised with me finding out and not telling anyone (even DH). Even though I had a good reason not to tell anyone, it irritated the heck out of everyone that I knew but wouldn't tell. I'd probably tell a half-truth like "it's going to be a surprise".

I could NEVER keep that big a secret from my H, I would definitely slip!!

paleblueeyes · January 2014

We want to stay team green so we have the big surprise in the delivery room. Give me more of a reason to push. Also, so we don't end up with a whole bunch or pink or blue stuff. I would like to thinkninwould use it for the next kid.

On the other hand, I would like to know so we could bound and I have a name picked out for sure. Try it out. We are going for our 20 week ultrasound in a few weeks. If we happen to see what it is, I will not be telling anyone. We have already told them we are waiting so no one will be asking. Heck we didn't tell anyone we were pregnant until 17/18 weeks at Christmas. Some people were upset we waiting so long, but happy that we waiting until Christmas to tell them. They all agreed best gift ever. So people are going to be happy once they find out, when ever that may be.

Just if you know. Don't say anything. Just say team green if they keep asking.

catsinawindow · January 2014

mek20 said:

lisagde said:

Know that if you do this, and tell people you are doing it, people aren't going to be happy. With DS, I wanted to know, DH didn't. We compromised with me finding out and not telling anyone (even DH). Even though I had a good reason not to tell anyone, it irritated the heck out of everyone that I knew but wouldn't tell.

I'd probably tell a half-truth like "it's going to be a surprise".

I could NEVER keep that big a secret from my H, I would definitely slip!!

Yeah, we're not doing it again bc it didn't work out too great last time. I slipped on the pronouns a lot and DH had pretty much figured it out by the time DS arrived. This time we are leaning towards team green, but if we do decide to find out, everyone will.

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