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"Are they crack babies?"

msditz00msditz00 member
in Adoption
Can I please vent?
DCF won't hold it against me if I throat punch the next person that asks me this, right?  These aren't strangers - these are friends and acquaintances who know that these are not my bio children.  I understand being curious about the circumstances of BM losing custody, but holy hell there is a tactful way to phrase things. Is it wrong to answer, "My daughters were not given to me with a crack pipe in one hand and I haven't caught them at the pawn shop with my jewelry, if that's what you're asking."
Also, I was having a conversation with someone someone about the girls, and they told me about how a friend of theirs did foster to adopt for an infant through DCF.  They then felt the need to go on about how she is 8 now and still has "druggie eyes."
I am appalled by what people feel is appropriate to say to me.  Until the state says otherwise, these girls are being treated as my daughters.  It is NOT OK to talk to a parent about her children in this manner!  Actually, it isn't OK to talk to anyone about any children like this.  These poor kids did not choose their birth parents.  They didn't choose for their mom to do drugs while pregnant.
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5/10 - Gideon 6/12 Warren
4/11 Started adoption process for 2 siblings through DCF. 10/12 Found out we are licensed! 12/14 Brought 3 week old identical twin girls home from the hospital.  Could be at least until Summer 1015 til we know if they are forever ours
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Re: "Are they crack babies?"

  • Dr.LorettaDr.Loretta member

    I'd want to be sarcastic too. But "they" always say to use it as a teachable moment, to let people know that a lot of kids in foster care aren't there due to drug use. I think I might just stare at them in shock.

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  • IdigDirtIdigDirt member
    I probably wouldn't be able to stop myself from being sarcastic. Also I keep meaning to message you but I am a slacker, I may be in your hood in January. If I get to meet them I promise not to ask if they are crack babies :)
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  • msditz00msditz00 member
    I've been answering, " mom and dad had issues and can't take care of them right now." But I swear the lack of tact from people is wearing me thin quickly.

    I do have to say there have been numerous positive things. People who are friends of friends find out about the girls and we are getting clothes, diapers, etcetera from so many different places. It has been overwhelming the amount of support we have gotten from people we have never even met.
    image

    5/10 - Gideon 6/12 Warren
    4/11 Started adoption process for 2 siblings through DCF. 10/12 Found out we are licensed! 12/14 Brought 3 week old identical twin girls home from the hospital.  Could be at least until Summer 1015 til we know if they are forever ours
    Report Reply
  • MagickalNarwhalMagickalNarwhal member
    Oh man, I wish people could remember the fact that these are PEOPLE!!!!

    When we were first considering adoption, I was talking to my aunt and saying we would start right away if not for the cost. She said, "Why don't you get a crack baby? They can't charge for those, right?"
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  • pleasebeonsalepleasebeonsale member
    If there's anything I've learned from infertility and adoption, it's that people are idiots. Just straight up stupid. I'm sorry people have said such ridiculous and insensitive things. Hang in there.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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  • MrsMuenichMrsMuenich member
    I give people my "shocked stare" when they say ridiculous things (like when my MIL said "Oh, you can't adopt a child with HIV, it's not fair to infect your other kids" WOW). That way it's not sarcastic, but it's still obvious that what they just said was extremely inappropriate. If your children are with you, I think you should be calmly offended at these ignoramuses.
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  • gateshipgateship member
    I am jumping over from a different board because I was curious about the adoption boards but I wanted to comment...I am so sorry that people are being such idiots. I wish I could say that it gets better. But it doesn't. Although, usually friends and relatives do get it out of their system. My three youngest siblings are adopted (now ages 6, 7, and 11). We have been their family for the past 5 years and I am still shocked by what people say at times. Thankfully, after several years we have learned how to make some situations "teachable moments." It is especially hard at times because all three sibs have some special needs, my 7 year old brother has the most "severe" needs but because they are invisible (no physical representations) people will make comments about him. It is really hard because he is such a great, wonderful, sensitive little guy and there are times when I really want to hurt the commenter. Still, again, if I or any of my family can help to educate people and make them a bit less ignorant/rude we strive to do that...and when we can't cope with making it teachable we strive not to hurt that individual lol. Oh and humor really throws people off sometimes! Plus, its awesome to see the looks on their faces hehe. (and the "shocked stare" also works too!). Good luck and know that you are not alone at all in this! 
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  • msditz00msditz00 member
    Thanks for the replies. It helps to have somewhere that understands.
    image

    5/10 - Gideon 6/12 Warren
    4/11 Started adoption process for 2 siblings through DCF. 10/12 Found out we are licensed! 12/14 Brought 3 week old identical twin girls home from the hospital.  Could be at least until Summer 1015 til we know if they are forever ours
    Report Reply
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