WHAT A CONCEPT..."Mothering the Mother: 40 Days of Rest"

missimone · January 2014

I saw this in my FB feed and had to take a look. What a concept don't ya think?!

https://birthwithoutfearblog.com/2012/10/21/mothering-the-mother-40-days-of-rest/

Mothering the Mother: 40 Days of Rest

by Svea Boyda-Vikander on October 21, 2012

“The role of the midwife is to be mother to the mother.” (Unknown)

We’ve all heard that ‘all that matters is a healthy baby’. We hear it before we give birth, and we hear it after. We hear it when a mother’s had a cesarean and a subsequent infection, when she has Post-Partum Depression and when she is reeling from trauma. But it’s not true. A healthy baby is not all that matters.

Mothers matter.

Of course infant health is important. But the mother-infant relationship is symbiotic. If the mother is not healthy and happy, her infant will suffer. Moreover, isn’t her suffering itself worth our consideration? Isn’t it worth our attention and our outrage? In posts online, from friends and in the books I read, I hear over and over again that, in fact, the needs of new mothers and birthing women are not acknowledged. We’ve got in-laws who come over to empty the fridge, ogle the baby, and drive home. Husbands and partners who pretend to sleep when they hear the newborn’s cries; and a basic lack of essential post-natal care in the American medical system (a 6-week follow-up phonecall is not nearly enough). We have lost the will to mother mothers.

In the past, women were surrounded by their own mothers and other older women during and after birth. The midwife played (and sometimes still plays) the role of ‘mother’ in supporting the birthing woman, often staying afterward to assist her in housekeeping during the post-partum weeks. According to Tina Cassidy in ‘Birth: The Surprising History of How We are Born’, the terms midwife and grandmother are synonymous in many languages. But in a country where families are fractured, motherhood is undervalued, and most babies are delivered through a broken and dangerous medical system, this sense of safety and security is lost. And nobody calls their grandmother the equivalent of ‘obstetrician’.

But that kind of caring is the kind of attitude we need to cultivate.

While many people believe that, “Women from [fill-in-the-blank random 'savage' culture] just have the baby in the fields then get right back to work,” in reality most traditional cultures, including those throughout South America, Europe (Greece), the Middle East and Asia, a 40-day rest period is considered mandatory after an infant’s birth. In this time the mother is not expected to leave the house, cook food, or do anything but bond with her infant. American healthcare providers know well that Latina mothers often miss post-natal healthcare check-ups because they take this tradition, which they call ‘la cuarentena‘ (like ‘quarantine’) so seriously. It is that important.

Women from the mother’s community stop by her place to offer support, childcare for older children, and to bring food. While we have maintained some of these elements in mainstream American society (think 1950s suburban housewife and her ever-present tupperware casserole), we fall far too short in giving new mothers what they need. New mothers need support, love, tenderness; good healthcare and maternity leave. While some feel ready to do so, most of us don’t need to work out, hop back in the sack, or feel compelled to present a perfectly made-up face to the outside community. If women were able to follow the 40-day tradition, and were encouraged to truly rest during that time, it would be so beautiful. While 40 days of rest is not realistic to those of us who need to look after other children, go to school, or work to pay bills, we can change our attitudes about what is expected of ourselves and other women post-partum.

And we need to do something, because the birth practices of our country – with its 33% cesarean rate, and the average woman being twice as likely to die in the perinatal period than her mother was – need recovering from. While I enjoy writing and reading birth plans, I would like to see more post-birth plans. Instead of flimsy bassinets, wipe-warmers and the racket that is the ‘themed’ nursery, I would like baby registries to list things like a week in a plush hotel, gift certificates to local restaurants (that deliver!), and housework coupons. I would like to see partners and families allocate some funds to this period; for it to be acknowledged as the special, difficult, tear-filled, milky mess of a time that it is.

*Photography used with permission. By (top picture) Earthside Birth Photography and (bottom 2 pictures) MW Photography.

**Svea Boyda-Vikander is a mother, psychotherapist and visual artist. She works with mothers and other creative people in facilitating healthy parent-child relationships and artistic practices. In February of 2011, she gave birth to her first child at the Côte des Neiges Maison de Naissance (Birthing Centre) in Quebec. This experience opened her eyes to the powerful healing and spiritual potentials of birth, and it quickly became her passion. She is now conducting research into perinatal depression, loss, and cross-cultural infant care practices at Goddard College, VT. Svea believes motherhood is a political act deserving of support, acknowledgement and endless tubs of mascarpone cheese.*

joshsmandy · January 2014

Wow what an article!! While it would be nice it is just not reality in this day and age. I do have to say though that I'm pretty fortunate with this pregnancy, my husband and my mother in law have been huge helps but I think it is attributed to my complications with LO lol

rowanthefrog · January 2014

This is a wonderful article and I'm glad you posted it. I've been very lucky to have my mom around after each of my births and she definitely takes great care of me, as does DH. The early weeks after a birth are tough, physically and mentally....lack of sleep, healing from birth, figuring out this new life in your life...it's a hard but wonderful time.

A

JaneW2 · January 2014

I profoundly agree. 40 days or 6 weeks is the traditional period of rest after a birth, and supporting it is good for the whole family.

Of course, the last paragraph had to offend me with grossly misused statistics. GRRRR.

ccip82 · January 2014

I agree with the concept of mothering the mother and importance of support after childbirth. However, disagree with the author's choice of words that our health care is "dangerous"

"and most babies are delivered through a broken and dangerous medical system"

Also, it seems she is insinuating that part of the reason our health care is dangerous is because of C/Ss...Which I disagree with and do not get me started on the twice as likely to die in the perinatal period crap.

"And we need to do something, because the birth practices of our country – with its33% cesarean rate, and the average woman being twice as likely to die in the perinatal period than her mother was"

Bottom line: I think the 40 day period is a wonderful concept and I agree that more mother support is needed, however I think the author is a bit bias and it is quite easy to read in between the lines to see her agenda.

JaneW2 · January 2014

@ccip82: Thank you for expressing well what I was too cranky to express politely. Natural is all well and good, but the extreme anti-doctor fringe of the natural childbirth movement isn't what we need. (For example, most of the rise in maternal death rates matches up almost perfectly with a change in the way the government collects the data. It's impossible to know whether there's any real rise at all.)

ccip82 · January 2014

@JaneW2

Thanks, I agree 100% with what you said too

MIT721 · January 2014

I agree that the post-partum plan should be paid as much attention as the nursery or the registry. I bristled a bit at the end of that paragraph as well thinking how my MIL labored all 4 of her children without her husband or any advocate in the delivery room with her - it wasn't all roses 40 years ago. I am having a C/S and I couldn't be more grateful that the "broken and dangerous medical system" is what allowed me to become pregnant in the first place.

missimone · January 2014

I'm in agreement w/ the bias in the article pointed out by PPs, but I'm more in favor of the general theme that post-partum health shouldn't be ignored.

When I was born, my mom's great-aunt stayed w/ us for about a month or so to help my mom "learn the ropes" of being a new mom and to assist w/ household duties. Even w/ my dad there and both sets of grandparents nearby, my mom was/is so grateful that she had that help. She's trying to do the same for me when LO arrives.

Kbrittonhart · January 2014

Great article. I am fortunate my family still believes in this system; unfortunately, my husband's family does not agree so it is a very stressful time... I try to rest as much as I can and remember to take care if me and the new baby before anything else. I encourage you ladies to do it as much as you can too!

joynalanson · January 2014

My coworker said this to me a while back. I remember thinking "gosh that's a long time." but I think now that I'm almost there, it sounds so ideal.

gina0485 · January 2014

Agree that there is bias in this article however I am a big believer in post natal R&R. We carry a baby for 9ish months then take it upon ourselves to be super women. This is why I have a freezer stocked up with food, a massage on the books as soon as medically cleared and a sensational stock up of yoga pants once my little man arrives. Doing what you can to make life easier on yourself, and asking for/accepting help are two great things that a mom can do to help herself out. Also, you bet your ass I'm not wearing makeup when on maternity leave (for as much as I love it).