Talk to me, ladies

musicalmama5 · January 2014

At almost 10 months, I feel like I'm getting to a new stage in parenting, and it's kind of shaking me up a bit. I'm starting to hear the voices (real, not imagined, lol) questioning my parenting style, and I'm just looking for y'all to boost me up a bit!

I feel like in the beginning, BFing was totally normal (since most newborns are BF, whether it continues past a couple months or not) or at least understood. Now that we're nearing the year mark, I'm getting the "he's still nursing?" vibes. Fortunately, nothing from DH or either of our families. But I'm starting to realize that I'm in the minority now. The fact that I'm still nursing is weird for some people, and wrong and gross for others. I KNOW that I'm doing the right thing, and I am totally not about to change because of other people's opinions, but honestly it wears on me sometimes. And I can see that this is just the beginning. Oh sure, it's cute that he sleeps in our bed now, but what about in a year or more?

I guess it's kind of dawning on me that by parenting like this, I'm setting myself up for years of having to defend myself and my choices. Again, I'm not going to change because of other's opinions, but it just kind of sucks. I suppose I'm looking for solidarity?

TiffanyBerry · January 2014

I felt better once I stopped defending myself. I like sushi, others don't. Great for all of us! Some people stop breast feeding at six months or a year, some go until my daughter did - three and a half years. Great for all of us! Some people stay at home to parent, some work. Great for all of us!

At this point, I don't give any mental effort to other people wanting to argue with me on my parenting. I have other things to do, like pour paint on paper on the ground and help my three year old squish it around with her feet.

Im not trying to sound flippant; it's a mental shift to not just knowing you won't change your basic approach, but to also not caring at all if someone wants to comment on it repeatedly.

Don't get me wrong, I love a good theoretic parenting philosophy discussion - like any other sort of interesting academic question. And perhaps, out of such discussions I will make some shifts to my approach, but not out of criticism or feeling self-conscious. Rather, it would be because a benign conversation helped me clarify my thinking.

Hang in there, and surround yourself with people who parent the way you do as much as you can.

PhieryBFly · January 2014

Hang in there! And if you can find a couple people you can occasionally hang out with that parent in a similar style, that helps a lot. I just ran into a woman at the park who was visiting family from out of town and she was so excited that my husband was wearing the baby. We chatted for half an hour about AP stuff. There are people are out there that support you, and those that don't support you should be glad that you'll be the one who has to 'deal with' the side effects of your parenting style and not them.

Side note, my parents don't entirely support how I'm doing things (they still support me though) but they keep it to themselves. On the other hand, my 95 year old grandparents LOVE the stuff I'm doing. It's a pretty funny generational thing.

nosoup4u · January 2014

I was never given a hard time about extended BF or cosleeping from a stranger, or even friends/acquaintances who don't parent the way we do. It does help to have supportive family and friends, but the specifics of parenting just aren't a very big deal after the first year (and first baby!).

Mrs.AmyDylan · January 2014

I'm reading Attached at the Heart right now. It is really boosting me up as far as my parenting decisions.

As for extended BFing, I think there are a lot of closet ebfers. Especially of babies who won't drop their pre nap or bed nursing sessions. Tired moms that just want baby to sleep.

Can you go to a LLL meeting where you can feel good about BFing instead of defensive? Good luck!

ETA: for the BFing comments I grin and say, "best diet ever! It is perfect since I don't have as much time to workout anymore!". That usually gets a smile and commiseration on trying to find time to workout, rather than the other mom feeling the need to defend or justify her choices.

TiffanyBerry · January 2014

Mrs.AmyDylan said:

As for extended BFing, I think there are a lot of closet ebfers. Especially of babies who won't drop their pre nap or bed nursing sessions. Tired moms that just want baby to sleep.

Definitely this. My daughter BF'ed until a few weeks ago - past 3.5yrs. But she didn't nurse outside of bed in the past... year and a half? So, it's not something people would see. I talked about it if it was applicable to the conversation (say, about bedtime routines), but that was about it.

blu-eyedwife · January 2014

I breastfed my son until around 21 months, and I can count the number of times it came up in conversation on one hand. And two of those times were me bringing it up at the time I was trying to drop a feeding. And one of those times was when I mentioned it to his pediatrician.

It's not so much that I was in the closet, but, like @TiffanyBerry, my breastfeeding really wasn't a conversation topic. I didn't volunteer the information because how/when/what I choose to feed my child isn't really anyone's business. Kind of like how I don't talk about how often my husband and I have sex.

This isn't directed at you @musicalmama5, because I don't think you're running around saying "Hey check out my son's latch!" It's just surprising to me that this would be an issue, because no one ever asked me if/when/how I was breastfeeding. It seems like a really inappropriate thing to be talking about.

musicalmama5 · January 2014

blu-eyedwife said:
I breastfed my son until around 21 months, and I can count the number of times it came up in conversation on one hand. And two of those times were me bringing it up at the time I was trying to drop a feeding. And one of those times was when I mentioned it to his pediatrician.

It's not so much that I was in the closet, but, like @TiffanyBerry, my breastfeeding really wasn't a conversation topic. I didn't volunteer the information because how/when/what I choose to feed my child isn't really anyone's business. Kind of like how I don't talk about how often my husband and I have sex.

This isn't directed at you @musicalmama5, because I don't think you're running around saying "Hey check out my son's latch!" It's just surprising to me that this would be an issue, because no one ever asked me if/when/how I was breastfeeding. It seems like a really inappropriate thing to be talking about.

Hmmmm maybe it's regional? Around here (new orleans) people definitely ask. But then again, around here people like to be all up in your business about everything.

Thanks for all the comments, everyone. I do go to LLL meetings, which are wonderful. I think I'm just realizing that what I'm doing is more unconventional than I thought.

FemShep · January 2014

TiffanyBerry said:

I felt better once I stopped defending myself. I like sushi, others don't. Great for all of us! Some people stop breast feeding at six months or a year, some go until my daughter did - three and a half years. Great for all of us! Some people stay at home to parent, some work. Great for all of us! At this point, I don't give any mental effort to other people wanting to argue with me on my parenting. I have other things to do, like pour paint on paper on the ground and help my three year old squish it around with her feet. Im not trying to sound flippant; it's a mental shift to not just knowing you won't change your basic approach, but to also not caring at all if someone wants to comment on it repeatedly. Don't get me wrong, I love a good theoretic parenting philosophy discussion - like any other sort of interesting academic question. And perhaps, out of such discussions I will make some shifts to my approach, but not out of criticism or feeling self-conscious. Rather, it would be because a benign conversation helped me clarify my thinking. Hang in there, and surround yourself with people who parent the way you do as much as you can.

This is some of the best advice I've ever heard. Just remember that you don't need to defend or explain your parenting decisions. You and your partner are making the best choices you can for your family, and that's way more important than what anyone else thinks. And "great for all of us!" Is now my aspirational mantra when thinking about parenting choices.

youenjoymyself · January 2014

Honestly, who cares what anyone else thinks? Be proud of all the wonderful things you're doing for your child. To heck with everyone else

musicalmama5 · January 2014

jennylyna said:

Honestly, who cares what anyone else thinks? Be proud of all the wonderful things you're doing for your child. To heck with everyone else

Well, it's not so much that I really care what people think. And I'm certainly proud of what I'm doing. It's just kind of annoying sometimes to feel like a loner KWIM?

opheliainwaders · January 2014

Come hang out in Brooklyn, land of breastfeeding toddlers! I'm kidding, but I am starting to get it, too (DD is only 7 months!) - not really criticism, but 'How long are you going to breastfeed?" to which I usually say something along the lines of, "well, there's no way I'm pumping after a year, but I assume she'll wean before college." I do get a lot of "does she STTN" questions, and I basically just deflect them and say she's a good sleeper (she is! she sleeps for 3-4 hour chunks at a time, sometimes co-sleeps, and sometimes sleeps longer), but that teething/colds/whatever the issue of the moment is/ is tough, and that kind of changes the subject to one everyone likes to gripe about.

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