Husband checked out for second pregnancy?

Elli143 · December 2013

I'm 35 weeks pregnant with our second child and I'm staying at home with our 14 month old... not by choice. I'm staying at home because it didn't make sense for me to try to find a new job right when I found out I was pregnant again (not many people would want to hire someone who was just going to disappear for maternity leave 9 months later).

So, I don't enjoy being a SAHM. I hate it actually. I'm not a baby person, and having my own baby didn't really change that despite everyone saying that it would. Watching a baby all day while pregnant is becoming 1000x harder. My husband would rather be a SAHD instead of working, so I feel like he has no sympathy at all for how much I am struggling at home. He doesn't get home until 7pm, which is basically DD's bedtime, and despite me begging him for the last two years to switch his schedule to come home earlier he just won't. He would rather avoid traffic by going in late and staying late than coming in early. He doesn't understand why I need help at the end of the day.

My first pregnancy was so easy and my husband was super involved the entire time, but this time around I feel like he doesn't even seem aware that I'm hugely pregnant and that this time around it is MUCH harder since I'm chasing a toddler around all day. Did anyone else's DHs switch from super supportive in the first pregnancy to completely oblivious in the second? Every time I try to explain to him how much I'm struggling he tells me it's my own fault because I try to do too much or that I do housework in an inefficient way. He gets mad at me for not asking for more help, but when I do ask him to do things he says he will "put it on his list" and then it doesn't get done. Like I asked him to do the dishes over Thanksgiving and two days later they still weren't done and we were out of dishes, so I did them, and then he got mad at me and said "I don't know why you did that, I was going to get to it!"

This morning I said I was frustrated that I have to watch her 12 hours a day (7am-7pm) without help at night because of his schedule, and that if he's going to work so late then he needs to help me in the morning. He told me I was lying because I wasn't actually watching her every second of those 12 hours. I broke down in tears and left DH with DD and cried in our bedroom for like half an hour, and all he did was shut the bedroom door, put the baby down for a nap, and go downstairs and watch TV until it was time for him to leave for work.

I feel so completely alone. And baby #2 isn't even here yet. I'm literally counting down the days until I can go back to work and actually do something I'm good at instead of being an epic failure of a SAHM.

gigantan · December 2013

I am sorry to hear about your struggles. i see that you posted earlier in the month.. Did you get to talk to your DH about how you feel? He needs to listen without discrediting your feelings. Perhaps you can ask him to do so as he may not be aware that he is doing it.

I can relate on many levels. First, I experienced the baby blues after my first pregnancy. It took me by surprise as I was unaware to look out for the symptoms. I was resentful of my DH for working all day while I was home on maternity. I stunk at being a mom but was awesome at my job so I couldn't wait to get back to where I knew what i was doing. I was lucky enough to go back to work and it made a whole world of a difference in my mood. I felt productive again, and suddenly I was even a good mom at times ;-) I know you mentioned it was not an option before, but perhaps you can look forward to the day that you return to the workforce. I know it made a significant difference in my recovery.

Secondly, tonight I was observing our 18 month old and was feeling concerned for her repetitive behaviors (she likes to bounce on the couch for like a 1/2 hour at a time, shake her head to fall asleep) coupled with her delay in speech and my DH's response was "you're being very negative." I am sensitive to this criticism as last pregnancy 3rd tri was difficult for both of us emotionally so I didn't want to repeat the same experience. However, I cannot help what I feel. I know what I said was not positive but it is how I feel and I needed to express it. I am concerned that our DD may be special and he doesn't want to think this is a possibility. I need to talk to him as well to clarify our discussion from earlier tonight.

Sending T & P your way!

tamarar5 · December 2013

I see this is an older post, but how are things going now? Has DH stepped up at all? Is he struggling to adjust to 2u2 too? Is he maybe jealous that you are home and not him? Can you set a date out just the two of you where you guys can have some kid-free adult time?

Good luck!

boymomstrong · December 2013

Have you tried looking in to a daycare or sitter for a couple house a couple days a week? It may help!

Elli143 · December 2013

Thanks for the replies! I did end up talking with him and told him that I felt emotionally unsupported. I think it was the first time that I said I felt emotionally unsupported rather than just unsupported, because somehow that managed to get through. He admitted that he hadn't really been taking into account how much pregnancy hormones were affecting me. Since then, there have been many more cuddles, kisses, and "I love yous," It's made all the difference in the world. It's changed the way I treat him too. I think we both had forgotten how much better life is when you're being loving to your partner, not just living with them. We also found a babysitter to help me once a week and that has helped a lot.

So, yay for a positive update. DS is due in 9 days, and we are frantically trying to get last minute things done around the house to prepare. But at least DH is as adamant about getting things ready as I am for a change!

LovelyLou23 · January 2014

Glad to read your update that things are going better! I just wanted to chime in and say, you are not a failure! I, on the flip side, have always wanted to be a SAHM, so when the time actually came and things were really tough for me, I immediately thought I was failing and that I wasn't meant for this. BUT, it's just like any other job---you have to figure out the things that work for you, the things that don't work, the right schedules, the right people to communicate with for support, basically--tailoring the job for YOU to be "successful", however you want to define that. Does that makes sense? I just think I had so many expectations and thought that it should all come so easy because in reality, each individual job of a SAHM isn't that difficult, but it's that basically you wear SO many different hats, and you are juggling them all, which is insanely hard.

Anyway, that was a long rant to say, don't give up....I mean, if it's not right for you, that's totally fine, but you are not a failure, so I just hoped to encourage you.

Best of luck with the new baby!!!

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