Opening Gifts at Shower and other shower questions

BethSt · December 2013

So, long story short I have to plan my own shower because my MIL can't get her stuff together and it's getting down to the wire. I'm just doing a simple Jack and Jill party, no games, just come and eat and socialize, check out the nursery. Is it necessary to have everyone sit around and watch me and my husband open gifts? It was super awkward at the bridal shower, then my Step-Mother invited everyone over the day after our wedding to watch us open gifts, which was awkward for everyone except for her. I just hate the whole concept. How pissed would you be to go to a shower where the gifts weren't opened?

Also, how late would you recommend a shower (I'm due March 14th), I was thinking Feb. 8th, and how far in advance should invites go out (people will be coming from out of town, driving not flying)? I've never planned a shower before, so it should be interesting.

saisongbird · December 2013

Honestly? It's tacky to plan your own shower. Don't do it. You're asking people to come over and eat and bring you a gift, and then not let them see your reaction to what they got you. Please don't.

lalaith50 · December 2013

just... no.

rockopera · December 2013

1. You shouldn't plan your own shower. If your MIL can't get her act together, you shouldn't swoop in to
"save the day". ... for your own monetary gain.

2. A shower is a gift giving event. If someone want to bless you with a party in your honor, it is rude to not acknowledge your guests' contributions by ignoring them and not open their gifts.

3. If you want to have a party, have a party. But do not have a shower, do not publish registry information. People who want to buy you gifts will, regardless of you being gifted a shower.

nlane0723 · December 2013

Can you help your MIL with the shower, but have her do the majority of the work? What about a sister, SIL, or close friend? Two of my close friends are hosting our shower (it's a couples shower), but I helped pick out and design the invites. I'm a control freak and that's why I didn't hand the reigns over, but, I agree with @saisongbird, it's a little tacky to host your own shower and may come off as gift grabby...

huskymomma94 · December 2013

BethSt said:

So, long story short I have to plan my own shower because my MIL can't get her stuff together and it's getting down to the wire. I'm just doing a simple Jack and Jill party, no games, just come and eat and socialize, check out the nursery. Is it necessary to have everyone sit around and watch me and my husband open gifts? It was super awkward at the bridal shower, then my Step-Mother invited everyone over the day after our wedding to watch us open gifts, which was awkward for everyone except for her. I just hate the whole concept. How pissed would you be to go to a shower where the gifts weren't opened?

Also, how late would you recommend a shower (I'm due March 14th), I was thinking Feb. 8th, and how far in advance should invites go out (people will be coming from out of town, driving not flying)? I've never planned a shower before, so it should be interesting.

Oh hell no.

saisongbird · December 2013

It's more than a little tacky. It's extremely tacky and gift grabby. "Hi friend, come over to my house and bring me a gift. Oh, and I won't let you watch me open it." What you're describing is a housewarming party, where gifts are OPTIONAL, not a baby shower, where the entire purpose is to give gifts and watch the mother open them. I'm a control freak myself but unless my MIL asks my opinion point-blank I refuse to give it. A shower is a GIFT, not a right. Will it suck that you won't get one otherwise? Absolutely. But don't do what you're asking us for help with.

ewallace00 · December 2013

Please don't throw your own shower. If MIL doesn't get it together, unfortunately you don't get one. You can throw a meet the baby party after LO is born, but no registry and no gifts.

If MIL or someone else gets it together (you can't ask anyone either), then yes please do open the gifts in front of everyone. I would be pretty annoyed if gifts weren't opened, because that's the point of the party (shower MTB with gifts).

lazyreader · December 2013

you don't HAVE to... but since you are:

Invites for parties can be done at least two weeks in advanced (I'm talking about e-vites or something). More formal = more advanced.

I would NOT list your registries on the invite or announce them in any way. If people find it - cool. otherwise leave it off. It's the easiest way to not look like you're throwing a party for people to bring you stuff. (big no-no)

Try to visualize how big/tired you will be closer to your due date on being able to host a party. (this is why I'm not hosting superbowl this year. way too much effort). You'll be safe in early Feb I'd guess.

If people do bring gifts, I'd open them. It's for them to see your appreciation.

Lastly, if I was invited to said shower where the couple is hosting... I would expect some damn good food. Not a veggie tray and rolls. And why no games? what else are we going to do? Can't I win some prizes?

SassyFlats · December 2013

I'm sorry that your MIL hasn't gotten things together, but there's still PLENTY of time. My mom didn't even send out invitations, she called people 2 weeks before my shower (which was the week of Christmas), and we still had a nice time. You are not down to the wire at all right now.

That said, if she doesn't throw your shower (as much as that totally blows), you shouldn't throw one for yourself. A shower isn't an entitlement. It's a gift that someone else gives to an expectant mother. The shower ITSELF is a gift.

It is also a gift-giving event, like PPs said. If you have a shower, you should open your gifts. I would be disappointed if I attended a shower, brought a thoughtful gift, and the guest of honor (the mom-to-be is a GUEST at her shower) didn't open gifts. That's the whole fun part of gift-giving!

If you'd like to have a party before baby arrives, then by all means go right ahead. But don't put registry info on the invites and don't call it a shower. Call it a "come hang out before we become parents and never sleep again" party or whatever you want. Show off the nursery, have cake and punch. If people bring gifts, then you can open them later because the purpose of the event is not to get gifts. Instead of a housewarming party, DH and I had an open house a couple of months after we moved in. We had light appetizers and drinks and just invited people over any time between X:00 and Y:00 to see our new home and to visit. Many people brought a small gift, and we graciously accepted them, but we opened them later and sent out thank-you notes.

You can totally do something like that. If people want to bring you a gift, they will. If they want to know where you're registered, they'll ask. But if you're planning the party, it shouldn't be a baby shower.

ewallace00 · December 2013

Like sassyflats said, MIL has plenty of time. My shower is Feb 8th and my mom's mailing out invites this week or next. She just put down the venue deposit this week as well. I highly doubt people are flying in for a baby shower (or if they are, they have likely already inquired about timing), so even 2 weeks notice works for most people.

Also could it be possible MIL is going to surprise you OR that she's leaving you out of the details so as not to burden you?

DRFleener · December 2013

I have been to several showers and little kid birthdays and when they don't open the gifts, I feel cheated. I spent time to get and wrap a gift but I don't get to see it opened? Its so very odd to me, if you don't like the attention or don't want people to feel appreciated, don't do it.

[Deleted User] · December 2013

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VineyardMel · December 2013

SassyFlats said:
I'm sorry that your MIL hasn't gotten things together, but there's still PLENTY of time. My mom didn't even send out invitations, she called people 2 weeks before my shower (which was the week of Christmas), and we still had a nice time. You are not down to the wire at all right now.

That said, if she doesn't throw your shower (as much as that totally blows), you shouldn't throw one for yourself. A shower isn't an entitlement. It's a gift that someone else gives to an expectant mother. The shower ITSELF is a gift.

It is also a gift-giving event, like PPs said. If you have a shower, you should open your gifts. I would be disappointed if I attended a shower, brought a thoughtful gift, and the guest of honor (the mom-to-be is a GUEST at her shower) didn't open gifts. That's the whole fun part of gift-giving!

If you'd like to have a party before baby arrives, then by all means go right ahead. But don't put registry info on the invites and don't call it a shower. Call it a "come hang out before we become parents and never sleep again" party or whatever you want. Show off the nursery, have cake and punch. If people bring gifts, then you can open them later because the purpose of the event is not to get gifts. Instead of a housewarming party, DH and I had an open house a couple of months after we moved in. We had light appetizers and drinks and just invited people over any time between X:00 and Y:00 to see our new home and to visit. Many people brought a small gift, and we graciously accepted them, but we opened them later and sent out thank-you notes.

You can totally do something like that. If people want to bring you a gift, they will. If they want to know where you're registered, they'll ask. But if you're planning the party, it shouldn't be a baby shower.

This

BethSt · December 2013

I'm not planning my own shower to get gifts, I have been getting lots of questions about the shower from other people and when I say I probably won't have one, people seem up in arms about it. Shower was the wrong word. It's more like a party for people to see the nursery. I don't care about the gifts, I'm not a gift grabby person. I've only lived where I am for a little bit and I don't know a lot of people here, certainly no one I would ask to throw me a party.

[Deleted User] · December 2013

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lwebley · December 2013

My mom and sister are throwing me a brunch to celebrate the baby coming. (Not called a shower anywhere) It will be co-ed and no registry information was included on the invites since we will not be opening gifts in front of people (and I don't really mind if people bring one or not) We are just excited to see everyone and celebrate

I know it doesn't help with who throws the shower, but might help with the gift opening.

ceh789 · December 2013

BethSt said:

I'm not planning my own shower to get gifts, I have been getting lots of questions about the shower from other people and when I say I probably won't have one, people seem up in arms about it. Shower was the wrong word. It's more like a party for people to see the nursery. I don't care about the gifts, I'm not a gift grabby person. I've only lived where I am for a little bit and I don't know a lot of people here, certainly no one I would ask to throw me a party.

Re: the first bolded, If people are really dying for you to have a shower, they'll throw you a shower. If you don't have a shower, they'll make their way over to your home at some point to see the nursery and give you a gift if they want to. Showers aren't a prerequesite for someone to see your nursery or give you a gift.

Re: the second bolded, I hope you would never ask anyone to throw you a party - no matter how long or well you had known them. If someone wants to throw you a party they'll offer, asking them puts them in a terribly awkward position.

I'm sorry that you haven't been offered a shower, it still could happen, but please don't get hung up on thinking that you must have one. Showers aren't the main event here - your LO is, and s/he is coming with or without a shower

SassyFlats · December 2013

@BethSt I'm certainly not assuming you're gift-grabby. I'm just saying that the guest of honor for the baby shower should not also be the hostess. Have you asked your MIL how things are going for the shower and if she needs any additional info from you about it? That may be the most tactful way to figure out what's up.

My friends are planning me a shower for January 18, but I haven't heard a peep about it since October. I sent them my guest list with addresses, and they said thank you... that's it. I have no idea what exactly they're planning. They double-checked the date with me, and made sure I was okay with having pancakes (OMG YES ANY TIME OF DAY), and that was months ago.

But they are throwing this shower FOR me. I have nothing to do with the planning. Same with my out of town shower last week. My mom and cousin handled it. Sure, they goofed and never sent invitations. But guess what? People still showed up (two days after Christmas, even-- not the most convenient time), people still brought gifts, and we all had a great time.

I'm due March 7 and still don't have a clue about dates for my coworker shower or the one my MIL offered to have. I might have showers up until mid-February. That's fine. My job is to provide a guest list and then go enjoy the party.

If you have already asked your MIL if she needs anything and she says it's all under control, then you have nothing else to do. If she says things got away from her and she can no longer plan the shower, then when people ask you say that as far as you're aware, no one is planning one. If you want to have a different kind of party celebrating baby, you can say "As far as I know, no one is planning a shower, but DH and I are having a little get together before baby comes just to visit with friends and family before things get unpredictable."

Or whatever.

I don't think this is all about gifts for you. I do think it sucks if a FTM doesn't get a shower. It sucks. I didn't think I'd end up with a shower at all. I was bummed about it. Next thing I knew, I had 6 people offering to throw one, and am now (as far as I know) having a total of 4 small showers.

You just never know what can happen, even over the course of a few weeks.

ewallace00 · December 2013

BethSt said:

I'm not planning my own shower to get gifts, I have been getting lots of questions about the shower from other people and when I say I probably won't have one, people seem up in arms about it. Shower was the wrong word. It's more like a party for people to see the nursery. I don't care about the gifts, I'm not a gift grabby person. I've only lived where I am for a little bit and I don't know a lot of people here, certainly no one I would ask to throw me a party.

Your best bet is to do nothing until LO comes, then have a "sip and see" or something similar where these newer acquaintances can meet baby, see nursery, and congratulate you. No registry, no gifts, just celebrating LO.

BethSt · December 2013

Thanks for the advice, I will probably just have a party, not call it a shower (no mention of registry) and have some good food and drinks and celebrate our soon to be new little guy. I am the type where if something isn't getting done I just do it myself, apparently not the thing to do with a shower. In terms of the nursery, I've spent the past few months painting a mural on the wall and decorating, it's been a big project and something I'm really proud of, so I do want to show it off.

I did not mean to come off like I wanted gifts, gimme gifts, we have what we need for baby and can provide what we don't have. I feel uncomfortable being center of attention and opening gifts (as does my husband), I had no idea people liked seeing someone else open gifts. I thought a shower was just a celebration of soon to be Mom and baby, an exciting time to spend some last time with people before the baby comes. Duly noted it is a gift event.

I have had a lot of questions and comments from friends and family about a shower (I moved far away from my friends and family, so they can't come), so it seems like something I'm supposed to have, but MIL has too much on her plate (she was supposed to throw my bridal shower too but it never happened so my Step Mom stepped in and planned it). I can't fly to my family's to have a shower because my sister is pregnant and giving her baby up for adoption at the end of January, so it would be too hard for the family to have a shower for me (their words), which I'm totally fine with, they'll have plenty of opportunities to see our son after he is born.

I appreciate the kind advice. Note taken, do not plan your own shower.

SassyFlats · December 2013

I'm sorry things don't seem to be working out for a shower. Maybe someone will still offer. There's still time.

And I think it's wonderful you worked on a mural for the nursery! I'd want to show that off, too!

nlane0723 · December 2013

Laura8388 said:
Another question - hijacking the thread - is it expected for the expectant mom to give a thank you gift to the host? If so, what????

Btw, I agree with don't plan your own shower

I'm getting my hosts a gift certificate to the spa and to a nice restaurant, but I'm not sure if it's necessary.

Brey08 · January 2014

schlanderer2005 said:

Laura8388 said:
Another question - hijacking the thread - is it expected for the expectant mom to give a thank you gift to the host? If so, what????

Btw, I agree with don't plan your own shower
I'm getting my hosts a gift certificate to the spa and to a nice restaurant, but I'm not sure if it's necessary.

I was also wondering what to get hosts since they are putting a lot of time and money into the shower. I like the spa certificate and restaurant idea thanks!

krafish · January 2014

BethSt said:
Thanks for the advice, I will probably just have a party, not call it a shower (no mention of registry) and have some good food and drinks and celebrate our soon to be new little guy. I am the type where if something isn't getting done I just do it myself, apparently not the thing to do with a shower. In terms of the nursery, I've spent the past few months painting a mural on the wall and decorating, it's been a big project and something I'm really proud of, so I do want to show it off.

I did not mean to come off like I wanted gifts, gimme gifts, we have what we need for baby and can provide what we don't have. I feel uncomfortable being center of attention and opening gifts (as does my husband), I had no idea people liked seeing someone else open gifts. I thought a shower was just a celebration of soon to be Mom and baby, an exciting time to spend some last time with people before the baby comes. Duly noted it is a gift event.

I have had a lot of questions and comments from friends and family about a shower (I moved far away from my friends and family, so they can't come), so it seems like something I'm supposed to have, but MIL has too much on her plate (she was supposed to throw my bridal shower too but it never happened so my Step Mom stepped in and planned it). I can't fly to my family's to have a shower because my sister is pregnant and giving her baby up for adoption at the end of January, so it would be too hard for the family to have a shower for me (their words), which I'm totally fine with, they'll have plenty of opportunities to see our son after he is born.

I appreciate the kind advice. Note taken, do not plan your own shower.

I feel really REALLY awkward opening gifts as well and my in laws are all about "focus the attention on the gift opener" while my blood family was really into "everybody go for it." Christmas, my bridal shower, my baby shower, i had to suck it up cuz everything was a gift. Had to get over myself, be gracious and thank everyone. The only issue was me feeling a little embarrassed about being doted over but the appreciation definitely outweighed that.
I threw a baby shower back in June for a buddy im honestly not even that close to because no one was making any move to, not her mom, mil, close friends, it seemed like no one cared. I feel like a ftm should get a shower. It seems to me like it should be done, like a tradition. I guess that's just how we did it in my family.

troublejessy · January 2014

I am totally with you on that and we did it both ways! Unwrapped gifts is def the way to go, IMO.

We had two showers because our families are ridiculously huge - a shower for family and a shower for friends (both were co-ed). Our family shower was traditional and hosted by our moms, so we opened the gifts in front of everyone. I didn't like doing this - being the center of attention and it takes forever (plus secretly, no one likes watching you open gifts anyways).

At our friends shower, we requested that any gifts be brought unwrapped. When people arrived they put their gifts on a display table so that people could oooh and ahhhh over them (they used white tape to put their name on the gifts). We polled a few friends before and after an no one was offended and was secretly glad they didn't have to wrap or watch. On the invitation the hostess put "Please bring your gifts unwrapped so the soon-to-be parents have more time to enjoy your company!"

troublejessy · January 2014

Wow, so I didn't read all of the responses before responding! People are very opinionated about this! Personally, I understand not liking being the center of attention, you being excited about your nursery, and probably the stress you're feeling wanting to get things ready for your LO (and the need to plan for any big purchases).

We did something similar to you, but for different reasons. My best friend hosted our shower (she did it all - invites, food, decor, etc), but her home is too small to accommodate the guests, so the venue was our home (which actually worked out great for us). We also had a separate family shower (our families are ridiculously huge) hosted by my mom and MIL -- it was their preference that I be very involved in the planning. I think mostly they are just really excited and wanted to make the shower "perfect".

If your MIL is too overwhelmed, maybe you could help her by taking on two tasks - sending out the invites (have them RSVP to her) and providing the venue? Then maybe let her know that you and your DH are trying to budget for purchases and you're getting nervous now that you've realized how quickly your due date is approaching. Let her know that people need notice and since you have the invite list ready to go, you would be happy to send them out if that wold be helpful, if she wouldn't mind tracking the RSVPs.

Make an outline of decisions that need to be made/preps (theme, food, games, etc) and schedule a time to have dinner/lunch and go over it and divide up tasks between the two of you. Maybe she is overwhelmed by starting from scratch or what your preferences are and needs direction, but if you help iron out the things she needs to do it will get things moving. If there are things she is stuck on, this will also give you an opportunity to say, "We can brainstorm and decide on this later. Let me know if you think of anything and I'll do some research too and send you some options as well".

Good luck!

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