Step parenting--Help!!

RNmomtoboys · December 2013

Hello group. My name is brittney, and I'm a 28 yo mom of a seven year old boy, an eight year old step son, and we have one due in August. I love my step son as if he was my own son, however, we all have different ways of parenting. His dad(my husband) gets him every weekend, but he is a hard child to deal and I'll tell you why. His mother still lives at home, her and both of her parents work, she never does anything with the child, my husband said that he went to get him Friday and she was complaining about how she didn't feel ahold and hadnt felt good in a couple days, but once he was there to get his son, she threw her clothes on, hopped in her car, and off to her Boyfriends house. She doesn't do anything for him or anything with him, her parents are the only ones that take him to the beach or somewhere on vacation, theyre the ones that buy his stuff he needs for school and such. Yesterday he got pissed off at his dad because he asked him to pick up the mess he had in the living room, well he picked up the mess, then told his dad he wanted to go home. So we were going to take him home until he said no I don't wanna go home, I didn't mean to say it, I was just mad. His dad and I work our butts off for the boys to have a good life, to do stuff with them and have things. But his mother and her parents have ruined him as a child, for Christmas they got him an xbox360, a tablet, a go kart, and bunch of other crap that he doesn't need. He is only eight years old not 13. Those items to me are bribs. He is failing school, because his mother chooses to be crammed up her boyfriends butt every second of the day, and not help him with his homework. So when the weekend comes around he brings his homework with him so we can help him. Not to mention when it is time for him to come to our house we always have to be the ones to go get him and take him home, his mother is always threatening to take my hubs to court for child support, even though her fatass doesn't do anything she can't even come and pick up her own son.

HisChamaoleGirl · December 2013

Do you have a CO? If you have a problem providing transportation between visits I would have that addressed in the CO.if SS is having so many issues at school and at his grandparents what is stopping your H from getting him full time? Your title asks for "help" but I don't see a question ....

RNmomtoboys · December 2013

Trying to deal with this childish immature crap? Sorry I forgot to put the question...nothing is stopping from my H from getting him.. Just immature crap.

ambrvan · December 2013

Immature crap from the 8yo? Because he is 8? The problem I see in your post regarding SS is that when he says hee wanted to go home, your H was going to take him home. Your complaining about no one parenting the child at his BM's, but he is getting to call the shots at your house, too? Do I need to spell that out any further?

And a word of advice you're probably not gonna want to hear. Quit worrying about what goes on at BM's house. You didn't say anything about him being in danger, so concern yourself only with what you can control. Otherwise, you will drive yourself crazy and create resentment in your family both toward you and from you toward your family. Focus on creating the most unified, stable, calm, loving home possible at your house on your time.

RNmomtoboys · December 2013

Not from the eight year old, from his BM and her parents, I just needed to vent. He doesn't think he has to mind no matter where he's at. His dad spanks him and take things from him, but it shouldn't just be his dads responsibility to discipline him. I don't discipline the child, it's not my place. I mean the eight yo got pissed off because we asked him to pick up his mess, and he got all huffy and puffy then wanted to go home because he doesn't have authority there.

RNmomtoboys · December 2013

And another thing, it's hard on him to do good in school when they don't help him with his homework, it shouldn't be all left up to us to help him. Last week the eight yo was going around telling the BM parents to f*** off, the grandma called my H and told him what was going on, and she had to nerve to ask my H what did she need to do? My H can't just drop what he's doing because they don't know how to discipline the child.

CurlyQ284 · December 2013

Everyone needs to realize they have no control what goes on at the other house. You have no control over the help he receives on homework at BMs, the gifts he receives or whether she does enough stuff with him.

If BM calls for discipline, your DH needs to say "You need to discipline in your own house, I need to discipline in mine." That being said, if he says he wants to go home, you say "I'm sorry, youre scheduled to be here until Sunday (or whatever day) so its time to pick up the mess". Its normal for kids to ask to go to the other house when faced with punishment, chores or anything thats not fun.

Child support and who covers transportation should be outlined in a court order. Without a court order, you can't really complain here. Go to court and have it ordered that she does half the transportation. I dont know if you guys have 50/50 custody but the parent with primary custody should be receiving child support.

Calling BM fat will not earn you any points on this board.

coopsbaby · December 2013

Pretty much everything Curly said. You can only control your parenting, not hers. It CAN be super frustrating, but you really can't do anything about it. I certainly wouldn't take ss back to his mom's because he wants to until it is time for him to go back. You can't complain about them letting him call the shots when you seem to be doing the same.

The fact is, some parents buy their kids more crap and let their kids get away with more stuff than others, and unfortunately in BF parenting styles can conflict. You just have to do the best you can when you have him, and not worry about the rest.

Does your dh not pay child support now? Is there a court order?

RNmomtoboys · December 2013

Yes my husband pays child support, has for three years now. The child is eight, he thinks that he doesn't have to do anything no matter where he goes. He does clean up when he is with us, he doesn't however like it. No he doesn't call the shots here, when he is asked to do something he knows he better do it or he will be disciplined. I feel sorry for my step son, he needs a more stable, healthy, and learning environment in which he can learn and not fall behind in school. I know we all have different parenting styles, but his BM needs to meet half way. I don't have to worry about this with my own son, my sons father doesn't have parental rights to him anymore. I just worry about the eight yo period. He isn't in any danger with his BM, just upsets me that she needs to give him. Ore attnetion then she does. These are the good years when they young and can take me to Disney,and and such. And I'm not calling his BM fat to earn points, I just call it as I see it.

cole2144 · December 2013

RNmomtoboys said:

Yes my husband pays child support, has for three years now. The child is eight, he thinks that he doesn't have to do anything no matter where he goes. He does clean up when he is with us, he doesn't however like it. No he doesn't call the shots here, when he is asked to do something he knows he better do it or he will be disciplined. I feel sorry for my step son, he needs a more stable, healthy, and learning environment in which he can learn and not fall behind in school. I know we all have different parenting styles, but his BM needs to meet half way. I don't have to worry about this with my own son, my sons father doesn't have parental rights to him anymore. I just worry about the eight yo period. He isn't in any danger with his BM, just upsets me that she needs to give him. Ore attnetion then she does. These are the good years when they young and can take me to Disney,and and such. And I'm not calling his BM fat to earn points, I just call it as I see it.

If your SS is 8, why has your DH only paid support for 3 years? Your DH should never have let his child have the option of dictating that he wants to go back to his mother`s. You parent on your time which is exactly what you are complaining about BM not doing.

RNmomtoboys · December 2013

BM doesn't think she has to do anything, that her mom and dad will do it, and they do, her parents do everything, pay her bills cell phone and all. They were together the first five years of the child's life, then she took him to court when she cheated on him and got him for child support.

cole2144 said:

RNmomtoboys said:

Yes my husband pays child support, has for three years now. The child is eight, he thinks that he doesn't have to do anything no matter where he goes. He does clean up when he is with us, he doesn't however like it. No he doesn't call the shots here, when he is asked to do something he knows he better do it or he will be disciplined. I feel sorry for my step son, he needs a more stable, healthy, and learning environment in which he can learn and not fall behind in school. I know we all have different parenting styles, but his BM needs to meet half way. I don't have to worry about this with my own son, my sons father doesn't have parental rights to him anymore. I just worry about the eight yo period. He isn't in any danger with his BM, just upsets me that she needs to give him. Ore attnetion then she does. These are the good years when they young and can take me to Disney,and and such. And I'm not calling his BM fat to earn points, I just call it as I see it.

If your SS is 8, why has your DH only paid support for 3 years? Your DH should never have let his child have the option of dictating that he wants to go back to his mother`s. You parent on your time which is exactly what you are complaining about BM not doing.

cole2144 · December 2013

RNmomtoboys said:

BM doesn't think she has to do anything, that her mom and dad will do it, and they do, her parents do everything, pay her bills cell phone and all. They were together the first five years of the child's life, then she took him to court when she cheated on him and got him for child support.

cole2144 said:

RNmomtoboys said:

Yes my husband pays child support, has for three years now. The child is eight, he thinks that he doesn't have to do anything no matter where he goes. He does clean up when he is with us, he doesn't however like it. No he doesn't call the shots here, when he is asked to do something he knows he better do it or he will be disciplined. I feel sorry for my step son, he needs a more stable, healthy, and learning environment in which he can learn and not fall behind in school. I know we all have different parenting styles, but his BM needs to meet half way. I don't have to worry about this with my own son, my sons father doesn't have parental rights to him anymore. I just worry about the eight yo period. He isn't in any danger with his BM, just upsets me that she needs to give him. Ore attnetion then she does. These are the good years when they young and can take me to Disney,and and such. And I'm not calling his BM fat to earn points, I just call it as I see it.

If your SS is 8, why has your DH only paid support for 3 years? Your DH should never have let his child have the option of dictating that he wants to go back to his mother`s. You parent on your time which is exactly what you are complaining about BM not doing.

Her cheating is irrelevant when it comes to him financially supporting his child. If they are not together, unless he has 50/50 he should have to pay support.

RNmomtoboys · December 2013

His dad does way more than he should, doesn't even get him when he's supposed to but he still pays his support.

coopsbaby · December 2013

RNmomtoboys said:

Yes my husband pays child support, has for three years now. The child is eight, he thinks that he doesn't have to do anything no matter where he goes. He does clean up when he is with us, he doesn't however like it. No he doesn't call the shots here, when he is asked to do something he knows he better do it or he will be disciplined. I feel sorry for my step son, he needs a more stable, healthy, and learning environment in which he can learn and not fall behind in school. I know we all have different parenting styles, but his BM needs to meet half way. I don't have to worry about this with my own son, my sons father doesn't have parental rights to him anymore. I just worry about the eight yo period. He isn't in any danger with his BM, just upsets me that she needs to give him. Ore attnetion then she does. These are the good years when they young and can take me to Disney,and and such. And I'm not calling his BM fat to earn points, I just call it as I see it.

First bolded- yeah, kids don't generally like to pick up after themselves. I don't give a crap if my kids like to do it, as long as they do. Expecting him to "like" it is expecting too much IMO.

Second bolded- While it would be nice if she did more, parented better, whatever, she doesn't HAVE to do anything. You can't control how she parents, and you get no say in it. The sooner you let go of what she "should" do and deal with the reality that she's not going to do what YOU want, the easier it will be for everyone.

Third bolded- If he's not in any danger, then you have no reason to have any say in her parenting. Again, let it go.

And yeah, calling her a fatass seems unnecessary.

cole2144 · December 2013

RNmomtoboys said:

His dad does way more than he should, doesn't even get him when he's supposed to but he still pays his support.

If that is the case, he should file contempt. If there is no CO, go get one. Be more proactive. By the way, what is way more than he should?

RNmomtoboys · December 2013

I don't expect him to like picking up after himself.

RNmomtoboys · December 2013

He pays more money.

cole2144 · December 2013

RNmomtoboys said:

He pays more money.

Well that is on him, she can not make him pay more. If you take issue with that, take it up with your husband.

+just+j+ · December 2013

Oh good lord. Where do I start? 1. If there is no Court Order - get one. If you're worried about paying more support as a result, then start figuring out how to get custody of him. 2. If you have no Court Order and you do not want full custody - you can't complain. 3. You say it's not your place to discipline him? Um. Yes it is. You are a parent. It's your home. You are an adult. He is your husband's child. You're here complaining about his behavior. To me that says you have every right to set rules and deliver consequences as necessary. 4. If his son is telling you he wants to go home and your husband is essentially taking him home when his kids says...the kid is being allowed to dictate rules in your home. 5. Your husband needs to start taking his child on a regular basis and consistently. Unless I misunderstood you, you said he is not taking him per whatever agreement was made. If that's the case - you can bitch because in my opinion, your husband is part of the problem. Your husband is not being reliable or consistent either. 6. As everyone else stated - you can't control what's going on in her house or what she and her family does. So focus on your home and do the best you can to teach him what is right and make sure he understands - your house. your rules.

RNmomtoboys · December 2013

My husband doesn't get him when he is supposed to because the BM doesn't let my husband take him. And I plan on getting custody of the child. I am in the process of doing so.

cole2144 · December 2013

You don`t even seem to like him and you want custody of "the child." So I guess there is no CO since your husband is not filing contempt.? Just because you are trying for custody does not mean you will get it.

+just+j+ · December 2013

can you answer the question on whether or not you do have Court Ordered agreement for whether or not your husband has set visitation? Or is there none at all and it's on the whim of the mother? And you state that YOU are filing for custody? Or your husband? Please tell me your aren't handling that for your husband. If she's refusing and you have a court order, your husband can file contempt. If you don't have a Court Order it's favorable that you will get more than just EOWE if your husband request more time. 50/50 would be better than full custody, so I hope he at leasts asks for that if he can not get full custody. With 50/50 he will have more say and more presence in his sons life and then maybe you can have more of an influence on his grades, behavior etc.

fellesferie · December 2013

It's really easy to sit back and point fingers when the child is somewhere else the vast majority of the time.

Nineoceans · December 2013

RNmomtoboys said:
And another thing, it's hard on him to do good in school when they don't help him with his homework, it shouldn't be all left up to us to help him.

Last week the eight yo was going around telling the BM parents to f*** off, the grandma called my H and told him what was going on, and she had to nerve to ask my H what did she need to do? My H can't just drop what he's doing because they don't know how to discipline the child.

Just sit back and wait- this will blow up in Bm and her parents face.

My SS will have fall on the floor crying fits and be huffy and whiney with Bm but you can bet your ass not with us.

Instead of worrying about what's fair and what's going on focus on providing him consistent love and discipline when he's in your home and that means he doesn't go home whenever he wants to and he doesn't talk back. He respects your home and your rules and authority. Rinse and repeat

sierrasc · December 2013

The main thing here, as many have already said and I'll say it one more time, is discipline. While SS is at your home, enforce your rules. Set specific boundaries and if he doesn't abide by them then he suffers the consequences. He is old enough to make the distinction between the two homes, and he will realize that your household is much different from bm's. He'll know that he can't get away with stuff like he apparently can at bm's. That's the best you can do. And this is the point pretty much everyone here is trying to make.

By the way, I don't really know what you mean by "His dad does way more than he should", but since you say he isn't getting what he should at bm's, shouldn't you want to do more? I mean, bm should take responsibility, yes, and with a CO she would be legally bound to. Beyond that though, the issue is once more about you handling your side of things. I hope none of this sounds too harsh, but that's my opinion (and apparently one shared by many others here) and I honestly hope it helps.

MrsHetzel · December 2013

OP, you HAVE to let go of your obsession with BM. I know you are trying to let off steam here, which is fine, but like all PPs have said, you have no control over her so let it go. She doesn't have to meet you halfway, she is allowed to spend every waking moment with her boyfriend, and she is allowed to let her parents financially support/spoil her son. You can certainly make the argument to a judge that you and DH can support him without relying on grandparents and maybe get custody, but after 8 yrs, no judge is going to change custody just bc BM's grandparents bare the brunt of the work. I wish you and your family well, and speaking from personal experience, I promise you will be happier when you let go of the things and people you can't control.

Sigir · December 2013

How long have you been together? You seem v focussed on what's happening at BMs house, and you seem to be expending a lot of negative energy towards her. You have to let it go which will get easier to do over time. Your negative energy should be focussed towards your dh bc those are things you may be able to fix (getting the right amount of child support, him taking his time w his son, etc).

ldmessing · December 2013

your husband needs to stop spanking the boy, that shit burns me up

nurrieum · December 2013

For you to care as much as you claim, you seem more focused on the ex instead of the well being of "the child", whom I'm sure can feel your resentment.
He's 8, you clearly don't seem to like him and *if what you say is true might feel displaced by his mom too. To reiterate PPS consistent love, consistent structure, discipline, routine, and letting go of your issues with his ex. In the blended family life, those issues hurt more than you, they hurt your step son.
Also, and this has been mentioned I think, what do you mean you're getting custody, you're taking "the child". This shows even more about your issues with BM than perhaps you'd like to reveal. It appears then you want SS as a revenge thing, not a "it's better for him" thing.

twister22 · January 2014

than try to explain to you all the ways that you're wrong.

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