I need some insight ladies! Really hoping you can pull through for me
So DH and I still have not baptized LO. I know that's awful, but there is a plethora of reasons that lead to this. One of them being the ridiculous godparent debate. Between the two of us we have 5 sisters..... way too many candidates, and in the end you know there is going to be disapointment.
Well, I was REALLY pushing for DH to pick one godparent and for me to pick the other. He was really pushing for a set from one family for this child, and the other family for number 2..... Last week I posted about how DH and I were having a horrible argument. Well after days of (not so effective) communication he finally admitted that he's really upset with me because he feels I always choose my family over him. He thinks I worry more about upsetting and offending them then I do about what he wants and feels. Of course the godparent debate is part of this. He really feels as though his sister and brother in law should be LO's godparents because they have been the most helpful since she came along and have put forth the most effort. These are all fair points.
So I decided that I would be OK with waiting to have my family as both godparents for our second child (good lord willing we have one) and giving his family this one. I have realized how important this is to DH and truthfully the main focus here is LO and while I do think there could be better picks within his family, I understand why he wants them and at the end of the day I think they will be very good to LO, which is what most important.
What do I need help with? I am SICK about having to explain this to my family. I literally laid awake for 2 hours last night. I HATE that I feel this way. At the end of the day I am a grown up, and I am a mom and wife first, a daughter and sister second, and in other words I should not have to go on the defense and justify my decision, but I know I will and I know they won't agree.
It's a little more convoluted though. DH and I actually met through our sisters, which you think would be awesome, but it's not - mixing friends into family has been very detrimental. My sister and his sister who he has chosen had a huge falling out last year....which is why I do feel bad about having to tell her this is whom we've chosen. Additionally this same sister did not talk to us my entire pregnancy. This has been a huge stumbling point in me agreeing to this. I have forgiven but I have not forgotten, it still upsets me - but at the same time I do understand the reasons DH wants these two godparents and am willing to oversee the past based on how great they have been since LO arrived. And while I don't want to make excuses for her godawful behavior - I will say that DH's father passed suddenly in his sleep last year and I do think she was having a very hard time accepting it and was angry at the world. (both the not talking to us, and the fall out with my sister happened in the months following his death).
So - my question to you ladies, how would you handle telling your sister? I feel horrible that my decision is going to hurt someone's feelings. I worry about her reaction and I worry about the fall out, but as my husband pointed out - I can't keep making my decisions based on them. And to clarify even though my SIL has been the most helpful since LO was born, my sister has also been good. She however has a special needs child whereas SIL doesn't work - the time and ability to help is just not apples to apples. So telling her that the decision is based on who has been the most helpful is not applicable.
I want to write an email (only bc I can articulate my thoughts much better in writing than on the phone which I am almost positive will lead to an argument) and then follow it up with a call but is that too tacky?
I would love to hear your thoughts on what you would say....UGH. this SUCKS.
"I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough, I'm giving you all my love, I"m still looking up."
TTC #1 since August 2011 MFI Diagnosis - April 2012
IVF #1 - July 2012 - Stims start 7/2, ER 7/12, 20 retrieved, 16 mature, 13 fertilized!
ET - 7/17 - 1 blast transferred. Beta - 7/26 273, Beta 2 7/30 - 1143. Beta 3 8/6 - 11,597
12/25 - Santa tells us "IT'S A GIRL!" EDD - April 4th
Our Little Easter Bunny has arrived!
Molly Mildred born 03/31/13
TTC A Sibling....... FET #1 11/14/14, Transferred one beautiful blast
Remaining four frosties arrested due to "embryologist error"
Plllllleasssee stick little icicle.....Beta 11/23...BFN
Starting ALL over with a fresh IVF cycle
Stims start 11/28/14, ER December 10th, 13 eggs retrieved, 11 mature, only 4 fertilized
1 Blast Transferred on December 15th..... Beta Christmas Eve... Please Santa, bring me a baby!
Beta #1 345.....Beta #2....750/ First U/S 1/13/15/HB 131....EDD 9/2/2015
Re: How Would A13 handle this (Long) !?!?!?
My husband and I talked about this option as well, but at the end of the day it made me feel worse. With so many candidates within the family I thought it would be more offensive to go outside.
And sorry - I know candidates isn't the best word but you guys get the point.
"I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough, I'm giving you all my love, I"m still looking up."
TTC #1 since August 2011 MFI Diagnosis - April 2012
IVF #1 - July 2012 - Stims start 7/2, ER 7/12, 20 retrieved, 16 mature, 13 fertilized!
ET - 7/17 - 1 blast transferred. Beta - 7/26 273, Beta 2 7/30 - 1143. Beta 3 8/6 - 11,597
12/25 - Santa tells us "IT'S A GIRL!" EDD - April 4th
Our Little Easter Bunny has arrived!
Molly Mildred born 03/31/13
TTC A Sibling....... FET #1 11/14/14, Transferred one beautiful blast
Remaining four frosties arrested due to "embryologist error"
Plllllleasssee stick little icicle.....Beta 11/23...BFN
Starting ALL over with a fresh IVF cycle
Stims start 11/28/14, ER December 10th, 13 eggs retrieved, 11 mature, only 4 fertilized
1 Blast Transferred on December 15th..... Beta Christmas Eve... Please Santa, bring me a baby!
Beta #1 345.....Beta #2....750/ First U/S 1/13/15/HB 131....EDD 9/2/2015
This is SO well said.
My family is just really hard. I know they will still come back and say something along the lines of it's always his turn. Which is not true. I mean DD's middle name is after MY grandmother who he barely even knew. But this is my family. The same people that can't accept the fact that we break out the holidays to spend Christmas day with his family and not mine instead of rotating each year.
"I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough, I'm giving you all my love, I"m still looking up."
TTC #1 since August 2011 MFI Diagnosis - April 2012
IVF #1 - July 2012 - Stims start 7/2, ER 7/12, 20 retrieved, 16 mature, 13 fertilized!
ET - 7/17 - 1 blast transferred. Beta - 7/26 273, Beta 2 7/30 - 1143. Beta 3 8/6 - 11,597
12/25 - Santa tells us "IT'S A GIRL!" EDD - April 4th
Our Little Easter Bunny has arrived!
Molly Mildred born 03/31/13
TTC A Sibling....... FET #1 11/14/14, Transferred one beautiful blast
Remaining four frosties arrested due to "embryologist error"
Plllllleasssee stick little icicle.....Beta 11/23...BFN
Starting ALL over with a fresh IVF cycle
Stims start 11/28/14, ER December 10th, 13 eggs retrieved, 11 mature, only 4 fertilized
1 Blast Transferred on December 15th..... Beta Christmas Eve... Please Santa, bring me a baby!
Beta #1 345.....Beta #2....750/ First U/S 1/13/15/HB 131....EDD 9/2/2015
So seriously, I am ready to leave the catholic church. This is my issue with them - I think the whole godparent concept (and I can only speak to the catholic church role) is a crock. IT's old school like so many of their other "rules". I would never expect LO's godparents to raise her if soemthing happened to us... I feel like it's nothing more than a label - which reasults in hurt, salty feelings by those not chosen. And while I never asked I am sure they would not let us have two sets. They are way too rigid for that.
"I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough, I'm giving you all my love, I"m still looking up."
TTC #1 since August 2011 MFI Diagnosis - April 2012
IVF #1 - July 2012 - Stims start 7/2, ER 7/12, 20 retrieved, 16 mature, 13 fertilized!
ET - 7/17 - 1 blast transferred. Beta - 7/26 273, Beta 2 7/30 - 1143. Beta 3 8/6 - 11,597
12/25 - Santa tells us "IT'S A GIRL!" EDD - April 4th
Our Little Easter Bunny has arrived!
Molly Mildred born 03/31/13
TTC A Sibling....... FET #1 11/14/14, Transferred one beautiful blast
Remaining four frosties arrested due to "embryologist error"
Plllllleasssee stick little icicle.....Beta 11/23...BFN
Starting ALL over with a fresh IVF cycle
Stims start 11/28/14, ER December 10th, 13 eggs retrieved, 11 mature, only 4 fertilized
1 Blast Transferred on December 15th..... Beta Christmas Eve... Please Santa, bring me a baby!
Beta #1 345.....Beta #2....750/ First U/S 1/13/15/HB 131....EDD 9/2/2015
That's the irony - it's not a big deal to me either. It's a stupid label, which results in hurt feelings by those not asked.. I don't feel like it's anything else.
But my sister is negative - if there is a reason to be mad, I am willing to bet she will take it.
"I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough, I'm giving you all my love, I"m still looking up."
TTC #1 since August 2011 MFI Diagnosis - April 2012
IVF #1 - July 2012 - Stims start 7/2, ER 7/12, 20 retrieved, 16 mature, 13 fertilized!
ET - 7/17 - 1 blast transferred. Beta - 7/26 273, Beta 2 7/30 - 1143. Beta 3 8/6 - 11,597
12/25 - Santa tells us "IT'S A GIRL!" EDD - April 4th
Our Little Easter Bunny has arrived!
Molly Mildred born 03/31/13
TTC A Sibling....... FET #1 11/14/14, Transferred one beautiful blast
Remaining four frosties arrested due to "embryologist error"
Plllllleasssee stick little icicle.....Beta 11/23...BFN
Starting ALL over with a fresh IVF cycle
Stims start 11/28/14, ER December 10th, 13 eggs retrieved, 11 mature, only 4 fertilized
1 Blast Transferred on December 15th..... Beta Christmas Eve... Please Santa, bring me a baby!
Beta #1 345.....Beta #2....750/ First U/S 1/13/15/HB 131....EDD 9/2/2015
Since no one in our family is religious and we are not viewing the godparent like a guardian - DH and I based it on who has put forth the best effort to form a special relationship with DD.
I actually have a twin sister - many people would think she would be my natural choice - but she has really not shown much of an interest in DD. So, she was never even considered...
"I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough, I'm giving you all my love, I"m still looking up."
TTC #1 since August 2011 MFI Diagnosis - April 2012
IVF #1 - July 2012 - Stims start 7/2, ER 7/12, 20 retrieved, 16 mature, 13 fertilized!
ET - 7/17 - 1 blast transferred. Beta - 7/26 273, Beta 2 7/30 - 1143. Beta 3 8/6 - 11,597
12/25 - Santa tells us "IT'S A GIRL!" EDD - April 4th
Our Little Easter Bunny has arrived!
Molly Mildred born 03/31/13
TTC A Sibling....... FET #1 11/14/14, Transferred one beautiful blast
Remaining four frosties arrested due to "embryologist error"
Plllllleasssee stick little icicle.....Beta 11/23...BFN
Starting ALL over with a fresh IVF cycle
Stims start 11/28/14, ER December 10th, 13 eggs retrieved, 11 mature, only 4 fertilized
1 Blast Transferred on December 15th..... Beta Christmas Eve... Please Santa, bring me a baby!
Beta #1 345.....Beta #2....750/ First U/S 1/13/15/HB 131....EDD 9/2/2015
And like you, I am much better able to write out my feelings - but I think an email might be a bit callous if she is so negative and sensitive. I might still write it all out, but go to lunch or something and give her a note. And then you can talk about it after she reads it??
Good luck.
Like melandjames said, this is about a compromise for your marriage. Have faith you're making the best decision for your circumstances and try not to let your family bring you down!
It does suck that the Catholic Church won't let you have two god mothers or fathers - has to be one of each. We asked because wanted to use my sister and DH's sister, but no dice.
We did no explaining to anyone regarding our decision.
We selected an entirely different friend as guardian for our kids should anything happen to them. She is not married but has a son from a previous relationship and raises him exactly the way we would raise our own kids. Should anyone in my family ever ask, I will also explain that it was nothing personal, but they raise their kids differently than we would and we thought this person was a better match.
If anyone takes these things personally, they are really being childish. I would just say, if asked, that you can't always choose your family first, and you decided to give this one to your husband, and you will choose someone in your family next time around.
My two cents. I agree with the PP that said you don't owe anyone an explanation of your choice period.
I know it's really hard to worry about offending your family. You have been raised with them and are close to them. But fact of the matter is, you have your own little family now, and their feelings and priorities should be more important than anyone else's feelings. You are a grown up now and need to make decisions based on your own new nuclear family and not your old nuclear family.
Sometimes there is just no way to make a decision without offending someone. It just happens, and if they refuse to deal with stuff like this like the adults they are, or respect you as an adult, well, too bad. Sorry if I seem harsh, but I never allowed my family's feelings make decisions for me or my kids. I have way too many family members and if I worried about them every time, I'd never do anything.
Good luck. Sometimes we think the reaction will be worse than it is by "pre-worrying".
TTC since May 2006. After 3 failed Clomid cycles, 2 failed Injectibles/IUIs, 2 failed IVFs and 1 failed FET, we moved on to adoption!
Last ditch FET resulted in BFP, and identical twin girls!