Sweet or Creepy?

austinlyns · December 2013

DH's ex-stepdad was married to DH's mom for all of DH's childhood and teen years. He never calls us or makes any effort to see us or be involved in any way. He is my friend on FB but I don't have him selected to show up in my news feed. I happened to look at his page today and noticed that he has been posting photo collages of my kids on his page with captions saying they are his grandkids. He has never even met any of my 3 kids and he got the photos by copying from my Facebook. I'm not sure how to take this- it totally weirded me out because we haven't talked to him in about 4 years. What would you think?

chickpea912 · December 2013

I'd be creeped out, and I would definitely change my security settings so he couldn't see them.

MaidMarion25 · December 2013

That's very strange, he is your DH's ex stepdad and had never met your kids and is calling them his grand kids? I could understand if you guys still talked to him and were involved as a family but yeah, creepy...

StinaLeigh · December 2013

Eek. Yes, creepy. Agree with pp about changing your security and I might have DH ask him to take the pics down from his page

roadspeckle · December 2013

Creepy.

rmjones15 · December 2013

That's creepy on a lot of levels. I'd unfriend him...

austinlyns · December 2013

Ok, glad I not overreacting by being creeped out! He is generally a nice guy, but we haven't talked to him in forever. To me it almost seems like he is trying to make it appear to other people that he is a really involved grandpa or has a close family. So weird!

MrsRahl · December 2013

My first reaction was to feel sorry for him, but that would freak me out too. What does your DH say?

austinlyns · December 2013

DH was a typical guy and was just like,"huh. Weird." when I told him. He didn't seem to think it was as strange as I did.

coffee-saur · December 2013

I sorta have the same thing with my dad... He has done and said a LOT of really mean and hurtful things to me and my family thru the years and has NEVER taken responsibility for his actions or apologized. While I'm not sitting here waiting for an apology, I do feel like he'd need to in order to show that he'd changed (if that makes any sense...) He has even gone so far as to blame the church DH and I go to (and my sis and Mom- they have been divorced since before DS was born), and say its everyone else's fault. I still try and reach out to him and let him know I'm here, call on his birthday,, at Christmas etc... BUT I have been very cautious-nervous about letting him have a lot to do with my kiddos. I've kinda felt like the title 'Grandpa' is an earned status and he definitely hasn't seemed ready for it. It also doesn't help that his current wife is an alcoholic. She is a whole another story let me tell ya! She is the old version of DRAMA and it would be hilarious if it wasn't so sad...

b48kate · December 2013

I have to agree that this is a little creepy, but a lot sad.

Yasm33na · December 2013

Sounds a little like he's using your kids to show off on Facebook

It's kinda creepy, yeah ...

@joules235 's post is a possibility as well... If it bothers you though, then you have the right to confront him. They're your kids and (maybe this is just me... I don't use Facebook for this reason) he's showing them off to people you don't know....

ddd2 · December 2013

I don't think it's creepy. He raised him. I feel like as our family gets older they crave being closer to the little ones than they really are. I have in laws that I only met once posting my u/s pics! I would consider my fam blessed and reach out. Sometimes it's embarrassing for them to impose taking that first step.

Also any pics you post online are open to be shared and it doesn't sound like he's putting them to negative use.

noryang · December 2013

ddd2 said:

I don't think it's creepy. He raised him. I feel like as our family gets older they crave being closer to the little ones than they really are. I have in laws that I only met once posting my u/s pics! I would consider my fam blessed and reach out. Sometimes it's embarrassing for them to impose taking that first step. Also any pics you post online are open to be shared and it doesn't sound like he's putting them to negative use.

I would argue that these photos are not online in a manner that makes them "public property". Yes, we all need to be very cognizant of what photos we post because we always run a risk but that doesn't give someone else the right to use them in this way.

OP - I would argue that you send him a note asking him to remove the photos from his page, then lock your account down as much as you can. Defriend him if you need to. Regardless of the motivation - you were disrepected when those photos were taken and used. That isn't "friendly" behavior.

ddd2 · December 2013

I think we all know fb is public property. If anyone even comments on your pictures it will pop up on their feed as well as yours depending on activity. Viewable by strangers in any case.

IMO disrespect would be using the pics for profit, memes, or in a perverted nature. Being proud hardly counts as disrespect. Moving forward, Privacy is always an option, and creating a group that is able to view pics of the kids are easy to make.

I think to suggest that he was doing anything wrong is offensive. I'm personally not the type to create a larger gap in a family by pushing them away without real cause.

Thirtyodd · December 2013

noryang said:

ddd2 said:

I don't think it's creepy. He raised him. I feel like as our family gets older they crave being closer to the little ones than they really are. I have in laws that I only met once posting my u/s pics! I would consider my fam blessed and reach out. Sometimes it's embarrassing for them to impose taking that first step.

Also any pics you post online are open to be shared and it doesn't sound like he's putting them to negative use.

I would argue that these photos are not online in a manner that makes them "public property". Yes, we all need to be very cognizant of what photos we post because we always run a risk but that doesn't give someone else the right to use them in this way.

OP - I would argue that you send him a note asking him to remove the photos from his page, then lock your account down as much as you can. Defriend him if you need to. Regardless of the motivation - you were disrepected when those photos were taken and used. That isn't "friendly" behavior.

If you argued that point then you would be wrong. Any photograph that you put online is no longer private. You must realise this before putting a picture up for xy and z to see. Once a photo has been put online you have no control whatsoever over what happens to that picture. Sad but true, so my advice if you don't want pictures shared DON'T put them on the web. But more to the point if you don't really know the people who are on your friends list on Facebook why put pictures up and just assume these people won't take them and use them for their own purposes?

I put pictures on Facebook all the time, I'm well aware that as soon as I put them up they are no longer private and if someone shares it then that's my own responsibility. I wish people would take responsibility for their own actions on the web. By all means have a word with the guy if you want to but know that he wouldn't have shared the pictures if you didn't put them on his news feed or in an album and let him see them in the first place.

Not being nasty just telling the truth. So no it's not creepy, he didn't come around to your house and photograph your kids without your consent, he merely shared what you put online for everyone to see yourself.

Thirtyodd · December 2013

I don't know what happened there but it looks like I pressed quote on the wrong post. I was supposed to quote Noryang.

LEO2010 · December 2013

Definitely a bit creepy but I also feel bad for him because it seems like he is sad and trying to pretend he has close family.

Some men are weird with little kids/babies- My MIL was married to a guy before my FIL- they had 2 kids (dh's half siblings). Well this previous hubby had an affair with the babysitter (who was like 14) and ended up marrying her. Eventually MIL married my FIL and ended up having dh and my youngest SIL. (Complicated yes?) Anyway the first husband really never had a lot to do with his kids and certainly doesn't pay any attention to his grandkids- he barely sees them even though my oldest sister in law (his daughter) and her son live literally 5 min away. So fast forward- youngest SIL just had a baby 2 months ago (absolutely no relation to her mom's 1st husband) and all of dh's family went to a bball game to watch oldest SIL's son (my nephew and MIL first husbands grandson) play. Now this man generally comes to one game a season even though nephews life is bball and he is the best player on the team (proud aunt here!) and it's usually because his wife- still the former babysitter- makes him. So anyways he was there and so was the new baby and he picked her car seat up and was like walking around with her at the end of the game and he said to me "I'm a baby hog- I have to take this baby." I found this so weird bizarre and distasteful and told hubby "I hope he doesn't think he is doing that with MY/our baby!!!" Dh was like eh whatever. How creepy and gross is that? You barely pay attention to your actual grandkids, weren't there for your kids at all, but your ex wife's daughter has a baby and you're all up in her grill?! Ew. Maybe I'm overreacting and I didn't mean to jack the thread- but I was trying to say- in a very long way- that some old guys are creeps

ElTrain5 · December 2013

I'm in the "not creepy" camp. Weird, definitely. Awkward even. But not creepy. Sounds like he cares about you guys more than he perhaps knows how to express. Maybe use this as a jumping point to reach out?

chance_encounters · December 2013

joules235 said:

Yasm33na said:

Sounds a little like he's using your kids to show off on Facebook It's kinda creepy, yeah ... @joules235 's post is a possibility as well... If it bothers you though, then you have the right to confront him. They're your kids and (maybe this is just me... I don't use Facebook for this reason) he's showing them off to people you don't know....

yes this^^

I so agree. I would either change my security settings or I would unfriend him.

jacksoha · December 2013

I have a similar situation with my DH's dad. When my DH and I were dating his dad showed up after not seeing him since my DH was 12 (so he was absent for 15 years). When my DH was a kid, his dad was in and out and then finally ended up in prison. Whenever my DH posts pictures on fb his dad will tag them and say things like "My awesome son!"
It's kind of annoying because he really is only a father because he donated the sperm... We keep trying to figure out what we will do when LO arrives, but I could definitely see him posting our pictures and bragging about his grandchild.
I don't think I see it as creepy or sweet, just annoying and rude. I would definitely block his access to your pictures if you are really uncomfortable.

coffee-saur · December 2013

I could see my dad doing that so as to pretend like he's a great stand up guy, when the fact is far, far from it... But that is my dad not yours, so I dunno if that would be his motive. I would definitely think it very rude. Sorta to put it that he's using you to make himself look good to his friends-family, or feed his ego.

It probably is legal (as was pointed out above), but that doesn't take away from it being strange, awkward, rude, and disrespectful to you. He could've ASKED for crying out loud!

ETA: My comments would be pertaining to my dad, so it doesn't apply to everyone, so take it for what its worth..

kcartwright12 · December 2013

Very creepy. If it were me, I would change my settings.

allrightmeow · December 2013

ElTrain5 said:

I'm in the "not creepy" camp. Weird, definitely. Awkward even. But not creepy. Sounds like he cares about you guys more than he perhaps knows how to express. Maybe use this as a jumping point to reach out?

This. Im not close to my sisters father, the only "father" figure Ive know my whole life. I have heard he refers to my daughter as his granddaughter. And he has only ever said nice things to people about her. I know that fixing our relationship is something he struggles with because his communication skills are poor. Id find it awkward if he was "stealing" photos from my page but not creepy.

Why not reach out to him since you say you consider him a nice guy. Clearly he cares on some level.

yayksimp · December 2013

ElTrain5 said:

I'm in the "not creepy" camp. Weird, definitely. Awkward even. But not creepy. Sounds like he cares about you guys more than he perhaps knows how to express. Maybe use this as a jumping point to reach out?

Another vote for this. Maybe another reason he posts all that is to feel like he's a part of something, and to appear to be a part of something, in order to not feel as alone? Just a thought.

I think automatically assuming he's being a creep is maybe a little... discompassionate. Perhaps the better thing might be to reach out? Maybe you could gauge his response --if there's real creepiness there, I bet you'll spot it-- to figure out where this is coming from before you write him off? He could be a weirdo who wants to look good by appearing to be connected to your family, sure, that's a real possibility! But he could also be alone and sad.

haha, I've totally talked myself out of my original 100% "aw, poor guy" opinion. I think it's 50/50 between potential creepoid/sad old guy.

katiebartton · December 2013

I find it more sad than creepy

flerlgirl · December 2013

Awkward for sure

mrsgyaray · December 2013

katiebartton said:

I find it more sad than creepy

I scrolled through all the comments, and didn't see if OP spoke to your DH and asked him what he thought about the whole situation. You may want to reach out, or ask DH if he thinks his intentions are good or not. The ex-step dad just may not feel right somehow speaking to you which btw doesn't make it okay to copy pictures of your kids without your permission. Maybe even asking him if he wants some school pics instead?

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